Stuck in the Mud

I'm stuck. Can't move forward. Can't move back. Just plain stuck. Call the tow-truck.

I HATE feeling like I'm stuck. One of my biggest pet peeves in the world is a lack of efficiency. I like to have a plan and for every second to be the most efficient use of time possible to see said plan come to fruition. The plan is to get pregnant, and I'm doing NOTHING to achieve the plan. I'm stuck.

It's CD 38, yep, 38. And no, I still haven't ovulated. I don't even care, I just want out of this freaking cycle. I fully realize it's a bust. Even if I somehow did ovulate, my lining must look like raisins right about now. I'm not interested in wondering if somehow, someway this might be the month. I'll literally throw a party when I see red. I mean seriously, when was the last time your chart looked like this?

December 2012 BBT chart

Pretty special, right? 

We haven't made any decisions yet about the husband's possible varicocelectomy either. I have a feeling that by the time we get the necessary information from Sam's ridiculous insurance company, the decision will be made for us… April will be the earliest possible month. Boo. And that's if we can even currently afford it. Blughhhh. I did get some additional info from the Urologist to help us make our decision. Here is what he had to say:

1. What are our odds of getting pregnant naturally with the sperm's reduced survivability (assuming no issues with Amanda)? 50%
2. What would our odds of conception be after the surgery? 65-80%
3. How certain are we that the surgery will correct the problem? 99%
4. What are the risks for the surgery? infection, bleeding
5. Are there any risks in NOT doing the surgery? continued damage, lowering testosterone
6. Is the low testosterone in and of itself reason enough for the surgery? yes
7. Is there any risk of losing a testicle due to surgery? (sorry, Sam required it) less than 0.02%
8. How many of these surgeries have you performed? about 4000
9. What are the chances that the varicocele has already damaged the testicles? 95%
10. Would our chances with IVF be diminished in anyway if we DID NOT have the surgery? maybe
11. Is there a greater chance of miscarriage due to damaged DNA? need an SCSA to confirm
12. Would the surgery improve our chances of IVF success? yes

I bet you can guess what my thoughts on all of this are… why would anyone spend $15,000 on IVF before you have done EVERYTHING to give you the BEST possible chance of success? So, we're waiting to hear what the out of pocket expenses would be. And then, if we decide to do it and we have the money, we have to schedule a time. April is probably the best time anyway. The recovery is supposedly a little worse than I originally thought. Sam isn't at a desk position. He's moving people's limbs for them, and occasionally fully assisting people to stand, walk, etc. I don't think lifting/supporting 300 lb people qualifies for "light work". 

As far as I go, not only am I stuck in this crappy cycle, but I'm not moving forward with anything else either. I have a follow-up appointment with my RE in two weeks. I'm of course looking forward to the appointment with some kind of sick need for answers, and yet, fully confident that we won't get any. Everything has been normal or inconclusive so far, I doubt anything will change now. We'll probably discuss laparoscopy again and the pros and cons of an exploratory surgery that may be fruitless.

I'm job hunting. Nothing has turned up yet. I'm not terribly surprised, but I am a little bummed. I mean seriously, who wouldn't want me? I'm fabulous! As I'm still job hunting, that leads to another way in which I'm stuck. You might notice that I've added a little something to my sidebar… a total for our IVF/adoption fund. I fully intend for it to be a permanent fixture as I figure we will be saving and raising money for one of the two for the next decade. But you'll notice that it's not changing. The money that is in there now was from our savings and a generous donation from my mom. The rest is supposed to be from my job. No job = no saving = no progress. Stuck.

We are literally doing NOTHING to see our dreams come true and I'm sick of it. I know that there are people out there who have been trying to conceive for twice as long as me and even much longer. And I'm sure that at some point, everyone who was at this for long periods of time was "doing nothing" at some point. But I hate doing nothing. I just need for something to change. I need to schedule something. I need to feel like something is being accomplished. I don't want to be stuck anymore. 

The Results are In

You may remember from a month ago or so, when I said we were marching into unknown territory… man land. Well, we had our follow-up consultation with the Urologist and found out some rather interesting news. Sam has two varicoceles, both of which have probably been there since puberty. While this is not an uncommon thing for men, it can potentially cause infertility. All of Sam's tests came back to reveal, that while his numbers are high, the sperm aren't as healthy as they could be. Basically the doctor said that there survivability is diminished due to the varicoceles. This explains why we started off each IUI with such high numbers but only a small fraction survived the wash.

Good to know I guess, the question now is, what do we do about it? There is an outpatient surgery that can correct the problem. After a period of time, the issue with Sam's sperm should resolve. If there was nothing wrong with me, then after said period of time, if the surgery worked, we would have roughly a 23% chance of conceiving naturally each month. Here's the kicker… we have no idea if something is also wrong with me. If there is, then we are probably right back where we were before this interesting news… IVF. I'm thinking that there probably is something wrong with me, particularly as it's CD 31 and I still haven't ovulated. So our options stand like this:

1. Have the surgery. Wait, and pray, and hope that it works, and that the new sperm, with higher survivability, can get the job done.
2. IVF. We can skip the surgery and move straight onto IVF as we had planned. 

We haven't made a decision what to do yet, and obviously, Sam is the ultimate decision maker on this one, but I thought I'd at least put my thoughts, as they currently stand, out there. We haven't done a lot of research on this, and I of course, had about a bazillion questions as soon as we left. I wasn't expecting the tests to have found anything… I went in unprepared. So these are simply my thoughts as of now.

With the surgery, there are a couple of BIG plusses. Mostly in the financial category. We have absolutely no infertility coverage. None. Zero. Zip. I had minimal coverage for testing at first, but they were very quick to slap an "unexplained" diagnosis on me, which ended the coverage. (I personally think unexplained means just what is sounds like, not a diagnosis, therefore coverage should continue, but well, I think a lot of things and it's not going to change anything.) But the doctor thinks the test will "most likely" be covered under insurance. Plus, clearly, if it works, and we managed to get pregnant on our own, then there would be a HUGE savings in not needing IVF. Additional positives with the surgery are that we can possibly conceive naturally. Obviously, everyone intends to conceive between the bed sheets not the paper ones. It had been a while since I honestly thought that was an option for us. And lastly, it is a "one and done" procedure. It doesn't have to performed again with each new attempt at a child.

IVF still has some positives too, though. That there is no wait would be the biggest. The doctor said that it could be six months to a year after the surgery before the sperm are olympic swimmers again (he didn't actually say it like that). IVF also gives MUCH higher rates of conception per cycle.

The simple, ready available answer to me seems to be this: Contact insurance and see if the surgery is covered. Then find out what the surgery costs because we would be responsible for 20%, which could still be a nice chunk of change. If it is currently feasible, perform the surgery. We don't have the money to move on to IVF immediately, so in the mean time, the husband's swimmers can be getting in race day performance. I'm guessing that we could be ready for IVF in about 9 months, so that would give us possibly 3 months of trying with timed intercourse. If it doesn't work, then IVF is still an option.

Here's the problem with my plan. Sam just started his FINAL clinical!!! Today. Now this is CRAZY exciting because it means that he is almost done with PT school, but it also means that getting time off may be difficult or next to impossible. If we had found out in December, he could have had the surgery during his month off, but we found out Friday. The clinical is 12 weeks. If he can't get any time off, The first time the surgery could be performed would be the first week of April. That's three months in which the sperm could have been growing with new, cleaner, brighter, spiffier living conditions. I feel like if we have to wait to perform the surgery, it will delay IVF, and I'm not sure that I'm okay with that. As I've said before, patience is not my virtue.

So there it is. As I've said, we need to do some more research and ask more questions of the doctor. We didn't even get into risks or any of that. But for now, those are my thoughts. Things might be a little clearer after my follow-up consultation with me RE. If there are new findings with me that lead us to believe healthier sperm still won't get it done, then the answer becomes clearer.

What would you do?

God is Good

I'm starting to hate that phrase. Hang with me for a moment before you chastise me. Lately, I've heard a lot of the "God is good" being passed around. But here's the thing, it only follows the announcement of good news. It goes like this:

So and so got a new job. God is good.

So and so got engaged last weekend. God is good.

So and so is pregnant again. God is good.

So and so is pregnant after X number of years, or X number of procedures. GOD IS SO GOOD.

Don't get me wrong, I think it is important to praise God. And as an infertile, believe me, if I'm ever pregnant again, we just might hire a full choir to sing praises all day long. But here is the kicker for me: Wasn't God good before the new job, the engagement, the marriage, the pregnancy, and the baby? Isn't He, by definition, good? If a defining characteristic of God is that He is good, then doesn't that mean He is good all the time?

I think the thing that stings the most is that this statement somehow comes across like this: "God is good to her, but not to me." If God's goodness is a qualifier, if He is only good after the positive pregnancy test, or the second trimester, or the birth, then He is good to certain people and not good to others. Believe me, some days this is exactly how I feel. I feel like others must deserve His goodness more because I'm getting lapped by fertiles, because infertiles are finding success and I'm spinning my wheels. All too often I feel like He has chosen others to be "good" to, yet I've gotten the cold shoulder. But this is how I feel. This is not what my faith tells me.

Give thanks to the Lord, for he is good; his love endures forever.

Psalm 107:1

The Lord is good to all; he has compassion on all he has made.

Psalm 145:9

Please hear me: When fellow infertility survivors get pregnant, when they achieve the "this is happening" status, when they reach the happy place where fear looses the seesaw war to excitement, when they bring home their miracle, I am so happy for them. I'm not going to sit here and lie and say that I've never been jealous. I think we have all - fertile, infertile - looked at what another woman has and thought "I want that, when will it be my turn?". I felt that looonnnggg before I found out I was infertile. I want a baby, plain and simple. Therefore, I am jealous of anyone who has what I want. But when I see the arduous journey that a fellow infertile has traveled, when I hear the harrowing tales of how she achieved her BFP, I celebrate with her. Somewhere along the line in this infertility mess, we cross over and join "Team Infertile"; it becomes "us" versus "everyone else". So yea, I'm pumped when one of us reaches the other side. It gives us hope to see one of us succeed in spite of crazy odds. In no way do I mean that we should not celebrate or give thanks.

But I think "God is good" might not be the right response to the news. God is good, but not because of the pregnancy. God is good. Period. End of story. When I was growing up, I attended a church at which each Sunday's sermon ended with this: The preacher stated, "God is good," and the parishioners responded "all the time". The preacher would then say, "All the time," and the people would follow with, "God is good". It used to kind of drive me crazy. It became rote. It no longer had any belief or passion in it after five years, at least for me. But now, I'm thinking maybe there was something there.

God is good, all the time. All the time, God is good.

May I always remember that He is good despite bad eggs, bad sperm, broken tubes, wonky hormones, thin uterine linings, failed cycles, and miscarriages. May I continue to praise Him even when His goodness appears to be shining on everyone but me. And may I always remember that there is nothing I can do to deserve His mercies. 

Goodbye 2012

And 2012 is going... going... gone. I'm tempted to say good riddance, but that seems kind of blasphemous, or at least unthankful. And truly I am thankful for this year; I'm just in a pity-party kind of mood. I remember a similar post in 2011 in which I was sad to see 2010 end, it had been a FABULOUS year. I don't feel quite the same way about 2012. Good things happened for sure; I'm just ready for 2013. Ready to put the bad, the sad, the frustrating, the depressing from this year behind me. Having so many fellow bloggers gives some humbling perspective to the idea that "next year is our year" as many of them are in their third, fourth, fifth, etc. year of actively trying to conceive. So I won't say that 2013 will be the year of success, but I have to cling to hope, cling to the idea that 2013 might be the year, and if it is, well, I'm glad it's here.

But like I said, 2012 wasn't all bad. Firstly, I outed myself as infertile. It was a crazy, stressful, overwhelming decision, but I haven't regretted it for one moment. I've found so much support in the blogging world. The camaraderie, the sister-like aspects of blogging about my journey and reading about others' experiences is truly therapeutic. I'm in a much better place than I would have been if I was dealing with this alone. And the support I have received in real life - the friends, the family members, the random strangers - has been unbelievable. It is so comforting to know that people care, really, truly care. This time last year, I was blogging secretly about my experience, about surviving the miscarriage, about starting clomid, and I felt so unbelievably alone. Amazing what can change in a year, when really, nothing has changed at all.

Secondly, we celebrated our second anniversary. Sam and I decided long before we ever said our vows that we would make a point of celebrating our anniversary each year. No matter what. We promised that we wouldn't let kids or jobs or money prevent us from marking each achievement. Well, luckily, jobs haven't been an issue, we've celebrated cheaply, and wouldn't you know, kids still aren't a problem. Our second anniversary wasn't as glamorous as our first, but I'm still happy that, thus far, we've kept our commitment. Let's hope something cheeeaaaap makes itself available for anniversary number three!

Thirdly, in keeping with the marriage aspect, my marriage is in a better place this year than last. Don't get me wrong, we've been great all along, but infertility can really put a strain on things. Sam and I dealt with the miscarriage very differently and it was hard for me to watch him move on so quickly. Initially, we were in very different places on how to move ahead with the infertility diagnosis. It created a lot of tension. I'm happy to say, that we are on the same page now. Maybe not on the same paragraph, but hey, progress is progress. You've got to celebrate the little things. We have a (for now) plan. I won't say that either of us are 100% in love with the plan (who loves a plan that includes IVF?), but we've reached a compromise, and that is a beautiful thing.

Fourth item of fabulousness, we moved! Praise the Lord, Augusta is behind me. Lots of Sam's PT classmates love Augusta (I think there is something in the water), but it wasn't for us. Between the job, the school, the heat, and the cockroaches, we had our fill. We are so happy to be back. We are THRILLED to be close enough to our church, Athens Church, to get involved again. This has been an amazing season for us spiritually both individually and as a couple. We simply can't wait to permanently move to the Athens area.

And lastly, I started treatment. I won't go so far as to say that I'm thankful to need treatment. No, if the good Lord wants to heal me tonight that is fine by me. But, I'm thankful that we've started. If we are going to need to go alllllllll the way to IVF, then I am glad the ball is rolling. I'm glad we didn't wait. I'm glad we didn't "give it more time". I'm pleased that despite the immense amounts of frustration and the fury over our situation, that we've checked boxes off the list. There are less "unknowns" now. We have more answers, not all of the answers, but more than we had at this time last year.

So, in conclusion 2012 was rough, but most importantly we survived. We survived with our marriage and our faith still intact, and let me tell you, some days, that feels like a pretty huge achievement. 2012 certainly left some scars, but nothing that we can't move beyond. Maybe one day, we will be thankful for those scars; stories to tell and all of that. Welcome 2013. Be gentle with me. And puh-lease be "my year".

Christmas Time Again

So another Christmas has come and gone… eight of them with my husband. Kind of crazy. We're still celebrating just the two of us. Kind of depressing. But we will circle back to that.

We had a lovely Christmas morning this year. Normally we are stressed out of our minds, racing around, and inevitably running late. This year, my mom's family decided the all day marathon event they have had in the past was wearing a little thin. We stayed home and had a lovely brunch with my brother, his girlfriend and their baby at mom's. I received lots of fabulous gifts… we'll focus on two.

My mom is obviously interested in another grand baby. Apparently, she thinks this will help:

Victoria's Secret + Ovulation Pregnancy Kit = BABY

Actually, my mom fully understands that this won't be the secret to success, but it was a super funny gift. She packed the matching bra and panties in the same box with the OPK's… a baby making treasure box. Hilarious. And a fabulous gift too because as I discussed in an early post, my bras don't fit. Plus, I used almost an entire box of OPK's this month… still no positive. UGHHHH! Back to that later.

Gift number two, was from my wonderful husband… a trip to the BILTMORE ESTATE in Asheville, NC. I've been asking to go for years.

Tickets to Biltmore… yay!

I've been missing from the blogging world because, well I've been busy living and loving life with the hubs. We just got back today. We had a wonderful time. The Biltmore was lots of fun. We spent the afternoon walking the grounds, exploring the shops, and imagining what the gardens looked like in bloom. The good news? Sam got an incredible deal so we have two more tickets to go back again this year. We ended up going to the "Candlelight" tour in the evening. I have requested a 7 story ceiling so that I can have a humongo tree. Sam said he'll get right on that. 

We suck at getting pictures of us, so it's just me, freezing my tail off.

After surviving Christmas (holy moly) and the awesome trip I just had with my husband, I'm seriously contemplating a vacation for next Christmas. Christmas was waaayyyy worse this year than last. Last year I had lost my baby, but I was healing. There were two pregnant ladies in the family… I thought it couldn't get much worse. I was wrong. I spent three evenings in a row leading up to Christmas with family and kids. I was holding up fairly well. And then Christmas occurred. I showed up at a Christmas dinner to an explosion of kids… where did they all come from? We went from no one under the age of 10, to seven under 8 in the blink of an eye. I cried on the way home from two Christmas festivities this year… it's not a fun way to celebrate and doesn't feel particularly festive. You may remember that my doctor gave "doctor's orders" to take care of myself, do what I needed to do to survive. If we are still in the same place next year, we may do just that. Christmas alone, but happy seems better than Christmas surrounded by family, but reminded every moment of what's missing. I guess we'll see.

I'm currently having a ca-ra-zy cycle. I mean crazy. I had just decided that my body was working perfectly, and then bam! Worst - cycle - ever. I went in for a mid cycle check on CD 12 and I had a 14mm follicle. They assumed that I would ovulate on my own the Sunday before Christmas, CD 16. Well, it's CD21, and I haven't gotten a positive OPK yet.  Ughhh. But wait, it gets better. Check out the chart…

December 2012 BBT chart

I have a follow-up appointment with the doctor, but I couldn't get in until January 29. By then I'll have started another cycle. Blughhh. I don't know why that matters. I'm not doing treatments. I'm saving for IVF. I guess my head is still set it treatment mode. Got to move on.

Anyway, hope you all had wonderful, cheerful, merry, and bright Christmases! 2012 was good to some of my fellow infertiles. Head over to Lisa, Amanda, Jen, Amanda, Belle, Bree's blogs and tell them congratulations and best wishes that 2013 sees all these babies come home to loving arms. For the rest of us, may 2013 be our year!

Infertile for the Holidays

My new doctor sent me home with a flyer the last time I was in on getting through the holidays if you're struggling with infertility. I thought it had some great advice, so I thought I'd share:

How to Survive the Holidays

For many individuals and couples who are experiencing infertility, December can be a cruel reminder of what they are missing. There is an enormous focus on children and babies, and many people mark each holiday season by the number of years they have not had children. Even the normal asylum of a church may not feel protective this time of year, with the focus on the miracle of conception and birth. 

Although some can get into the spirit of the season despite infertility, most cannot. Thus, if you find this time of year tough to cope with, it is crucial to practice the practical skill set of self-preservation. 

You can now officially consider yourself under doctor's order to care for yourself this holiday season. This means...

• Avoiding the mall and toy stores. If there are any children you need to buy for, either order things by catalog or on the internet, and have them wrapped and directly shipped. Do not put yourself in the position of buying and wrapping toys. If you absolutely feel you need to buy things yourself, go to the bookstore and buy books which were your favorite as a child.

• Avoid going to church at your normal times. Christmas Eve midnight mass tends to have very few small children, but other services can be overwhelming.

• If there are holiday parties where you know or suspect there will be children or babies and you don't want to go, be aware that those moms won't want you there since you have a stomach bug (or sore throat or a touch of the flu).

• If your siblings have children and family gatherings are uncomfortable for you, plan to arrive late and/or leave early. 

• Think of traditions that you and your partner can create together for the holidays.

• Consider doing something totally different - some couples decide to go away to couples-only resorts where you can focus on each other.

• Whatever you decide to do this holiday season, try not to focus on what people expect of you or what you think you should be doing. Try to have empathy for what you are going through and care for yourself the best way you know how.

Some of these are a little far fetched for me. At this point, thankfully, I am completely capable of wrapping a toy for my nephew. But Sam and I did manage to skip the toy aisles all together this year, so it was nice not to feel like we have to go "kid shopping". I also love the idea of making traditions for you and your spouse now. I don't know about you, but a huge part of my sadness comes from the idea that I'm missing something. Since the first Christmas we were married, I started making plans for things we would do as a family once we had children. Each Christmas marks another year that we can't do those things, and so I'm sad. It would be nice to make some memories that are "us" focused in the mean time. 

We don't really adhere to these too much. I would feel too "selfish" if I skipped Christmas or left early just because our nieces and nephews were there. And honestly, I want to see them. I love them. I don't want to miss out on their childhoods just because I'm dealing with sadness. But I think the general idea here is to take care of yourself. Do what you need to do to survive and leave this holiday season with as few scars as possible.

For instance, Sam saved me today. Our church had a Family Christmas Celebration today. I was totally prepared for children to be present in the service. What I wasn't prepared for was a child focused service. Sam is on the parking team and when he caught part of the service, he immediately realized that this is "not for us". When I got finished keeping the kids, I met up with him and he explained that the service doesn't just include children, it is predominantly for children. For families with children. I decided that this wasn't the best atmosphere to put myself in two days out from Christmas, so we headed home. 

To my infertile friends, take care of yourselves this Christmas. Behave with grace and tact, but don't be ashamed to hurt some feelings or frustrate your friends and family. Let's all get through this holiday with our hearts intact so we can move on with the next year... it's going to be good ladies! I have faith! Hang in there and Merry Christmas!

Deck the Halls

This year we are living with my mom for Christmas which means hard labor in the kitchen every day. She loves to bake. I hate it. But I enjoy spending time with my mom and continuing Christmas traditions from years ago. This is the first Christmas since getting married that we've been home longer then 4 days… nice. It also means that there were twice as many Christmas decorations to choose from. I stretched mom a bit out of her comfort zone and convinced her to use some of my ornaments. Mom's a pretty traditional gal; she likes RED and GOLD. That's about it. Sam and I aren't gold people so we snagged a ton of shatterproof (Sterling Proof) red, green and silver ornaments our first Christamas. It took some convincing. I don't think mom was too keen on silver or green on her tree, but I think it's the best year in a while.

Enjoy:

We'll start with the formal living room. Mom's a collector. She's collected Dept 56 Dicken's Village and Snow Village for years. More recently she got into Mark Robert's Christmas Fairies. Sam HATES the fairies, so you'll never see them at our house. The fairies are normally on the tree, but we went crazy this year and changed things up. I think the less frou-frou tree allowed her to let her hair down… we got rid of of all the ribbon and puffy bows. I like a good ornate Christmas as much as anyone, but sometimes it's fun to see what else you can do.

Living Room Mantle:
Mark Roberts Fairies and Pottery Barn Stockings

Mom liked ours so much, she caved and bought new ones

Don't worry, Sterling and Boo Boo are still represented,
Mom didn't like them on the mantle, but I'll sneak them in

Fairies in all the little hidey holes

Detailes of my favorites

Dept 56 Snow Village

Mom's Snow Baby Collection

New banister decorations

Detail of the giant ornaments on the banister

View from the foyer into living room

the Tree

details of my favorite ornaments

my Lenox Princess Kitty ornament: for Everest

My favorite, favorite

Presents didn't fit under the tree this year: hostile takeover

view from the staircase

you can't see it in the pictures, so I wanted to show
 the tree skirt I SLAVED over… Oh, Pinterest!

In the dining room, we usually have Christmas dinner, but Christmas is at my aunt's this year. We still put out Mom's Dept 56 Dickens Village. I contributed my piece as well. : )

the whole village

details of Dicken's Village

The keeping room is a little less formal and more my style… possibly because it's all mine! On full display in all of their glory is my Nutcracker collection. I have too many to fit on the mantle, so they are spread around the room as well.

Keeping room mantle

Details of the mantle

My favorite- the skier

Mom's Cinnamon Stick tree

In addition to the Nutcrackers, I also contributed some FABULOUS dishes. I've had my eye on Pottery Barn's Reindeer dishes for years. Last year after Christmas, we snagged the dinner plates for more than fifty percent off. Yes, sir! We had my brother, his girlfriend, and my niece Alexis over for dinner, so I broke out my dishes for the first time. Ta da!

So that's it… Christmas at my mom's is a little bit more impressive than the traditional Greavu affair, but it's been fun to decorate this year with my mom again! If you've made it this far, Merry Christmas! Wishing you and yours a special holiday season. And may all of us who are yearning, find baby dust in the new year!