It's Over

It's officially over. BETA came back at 1 today. I was once again pregnant for the briefest moment... just a blip on the radar really.

From here I simply stop all medications and wait for a new cycle. We're not moving forward with a frozen embryo transfer this next cycle, so I guess it's back to life as normal. I went ahead and let them schedule a follow up consult with Dr. Duffy in a few weeks. The problem is I don't really have too many questions about future FETs; I do however have a lot of "what the hell?" type questions regarding IVF... unfortunately those don't matter. 

I'm obviously sad. I know this won't really make much sense, but I don't think I'm any more sad than if it had initially been negative... either way we lost two embryos. It just took us a little while to make it official. I also feel guilty because, well, I'm not quite as sad as I was after the first miscarriage. I'm definitely still sad, just not like a puddle of goo on the floor sad. I don't think it will wreck my life for three months like the first one. Give me a week and I think the random outbursts of tears will be over. The only way I can explain it is this: with IVF, there are only two options. The embryo becomes your bring home baby, or it dies. I guess I had resigned myself to that. I'm definitely sad, but I guess I just recognized the distinct possibility, the likelihood even, that we would lose some in this process. That's not how I felt about the first... a miscarriage back then kind of came out of left field and shocked me. I guess I was better prepared this time. Maybe preparation take some of the sadness away, at least at this early stage. 

And I suppose I'm sad for another reason too. The loss of the two embryos is certainly significant, but it also feels like the loss of our best chance. I don't know if the doctors would say any of ours had a "good" chance, but those two were the best shot we had. I can't help but think, if those two failed, how can the others stand a chance? I know it's a defeatist mentality, and hopefully I'll shake it before too long, but right now, I just can't get excited about a frozen embryo transfer. I know FETs often have better results because the body is less stimulated and less stressed, but that doesn't change the quality of what we have left. And honestly, I don't even know what that is. I know we have six frozen in groups of two, and that they were all frozen on day 3 (because they didn't think they'd survive to day 5), but I don't know how many cells each had when they froze it or what the grades are... I guess I need to call about that.

Tonight is one of those nights I really wish I enjoyed alcohol a little more... I nice glass of red wine seems in order, but I guess I'll make do with my drug of choice (Diet Coke). A long bubble bath seems like it's due as well as I haven't had a good soak since the night before the retrieval. And I might even treat myself to a Starbucks in the morning... yeah, that sounds about right.

Thank you all so much for your encouragement and your prayers. It was a long weekend, but now we can officially move on. We're simply trusting that our story is not over... onto the next chapter.

"It's positive, but..."

I'm pretty sure I'm good if I NEVER hear those words again. I think I officially have PTSD surrounding that simple phrase... my heart stops, my stomach twists, my eyes tear. Essentially, I received a positive BETA today... positive as in 6. The nurse followed up her "It's positive, but" with "it's really low and it's unlikely that it's viable." Yea, I know. I've heard those words before. Twenty-eight months ago a nurse called to tell me "It's positive, but you're likely miscarrying." Yea, I remember exactly how that feels.

My infertile sisters all see the writing on the wall so to speak, but there are a lot of other people who were waiting for news today, so let me explain. The test assigns a number based on how much hCG is in your blood. Anything over 5 is considered pregnant, so yes, "technically" I'm pregnant. However, I'm essentially at the "missed period" stage meaning I should be able to take a home pregnancy test. HPTs vary in their sensitivity, but a First Response Early Result home pregnancy test (the gold standard) has a sensitivity level of 25... I would not get a positive. Other tests like the Error Proof Test or ClearBlue Easy Digital have a sensitivity level of 40 and 50 respectively... definitely not getting a positive. The "positive" result most likely means that one or both of the embryos attempted to implant, hCG was created and began to circulate, but soon after the embryo deteriorated and so the hCG level is now falling.

Basically, I'm miscarrying, it's just extremely early. The doctor won't even refer to it as a miscarriage; he'll call it a chemical pregnancy... but we won't use that hateful term around here. It makes what's happening sound like a figment of my imagination or a pregnancy in numbers only. Well, it wasn't in numbers only, the numbers wouldn't be there if it didn't happen. The strange thing is, I'm pretty sure I'd feel the exact same way if it the numbers had come back as a 3 or a 0. To me, my babies were alive, and now they're not. Sure they weren't breathing or looking anything like a baby, just a clump of less than perfect cells, but they were growing. I would have mourned the loss of our two embryos just as intensely if the BETA had been negative. The only additional bitter part about this is that it really hurts to come so close... to know they tried to implant, to know they survived at least a few days beyond the transfer. Sure, a positive BETA would have still meant we were ages away from a bring home baby, but we were closer than we've been in the last twenty-eight months.

I really can't process what this means going forward yet. Does this mean my eggs suck more than we knew? Are all of our embryos destined to die from early chromosomal issues? Is there more at play here like hostile uterine environment or killer cells? These are questions for another day. Right now, I'm just sad. In my heart, it feels like two of my babies have died, and well that just hurts... a lot.

I do of course have to stay on the medications and retest on Monday... it's standard procedure anytime there is a positive BETA. Many of you will want to know if there is any hope. I'll say this, it's incredibly unlikely. There are a wide range of potential results from a BETA at 4 weeks... anything from a 5 to 426. But keep in mind, those levels don't all become take home babies, meaning those aren't the numbers from only successful pregnancies, those are numbers from all pregnancies, ones that end in a day, a week, a month, the first trimester... they are all included. The American Pregnancy Association suggests that there are a few possible reasons for low hCG: a miscalculation of pregnancy date (not possible for me; we know exactly how far along I should be), an ectopic pregnancy (very unlikely with IVF), a blighted ovum or miscarriage. So yes, technically, I'm pregnant, and yes, things could turn around, but in this situation, knowing what we do and with our history, it's unlikely. The test Monday will most likely confirm a hCG level below 5 and I'll come off of all medications. However, I will say that I believe in a God of miracles, so I'm not discounting that He could show up in a mighty, mighty way... we're abundantly ready if He chooses to do so.

Until then, we wait. Thank you all for your well wishes and prayers today. Test day is incredibly stressful and I can't tell you how much your texts and messages warmed my heart during the wait. It feels wonderful to know that so many people are hopeful for us. Your encouragement means the world to us.

"Those who hope in the Lord will renew their strength"- Isaiah 40:31

Lord, give me strength.

Some Answers

For those of you who are not eagerly counting down the days until Pregnancy Test Day, I'll clue you in on the countdown: four more days. So the question everyone wants to know is: "how are you doing?" I'm doing okay. Better than expected, really. I mean, I'm still sane, I'm still functioning, I haven't chosen a two week sleep as a means of coping, and really that's about all you can ask of yourself during the two week wait. But in all seriousness, I'm doing okay. There are certainly moments that sneak up on me... moments of complete despair, moments of potential bliss, but for the most part, I'm just living each day, trying not to let all that Friday represents take over.

The next question that everyone wants to know is: "how do you feel?" Normal. I know, what an answer. On one hand, normal is a HUGE improvement to how I was feeling. There were a few days where I just wasn't sure which terrible drug had caused it, but I knew that at least one medication was wreaking havoc in my body. Thankfully we're past that. But in some ways, normal is also terrifying. It seemed more plausible that a pregnancy might exist when I felt like crap (even though I knew I didn't feel like crap because of a pregnancy). Feeling normal seems to be the antithesis of feeling pregnant, so I'll admit that I wish there was something to complain about. But sadly, all symptoms/side effects have cleared out.

Another thing everyone is asking is: "are you optimistic/excited/anxious?" It depends on when you ask... the answer could be different 20 minutes from now. I guess I could summarize by saying I'm realistic, yet hopeful. Realistic means that statistically, we are not pregnant. We were once given odds as high as 70%... yea, um, that was before we found out my eggs officially suck. I read somewhere (I know, get off google) that transferring two day 3 embryos gives about a 35% chance of success. It's really heartbreaking and frustrating to hear that after all we went through, after three weeks of work, 14 months of saving, and $14,000 that we only have a 10-15% increase in odds over a normal fertile couple my age... that's just plain crazy! It seems like after all of that, we should at least be over 50%... it should at least be likely that we succeeded. So I'm realistic when I say that the odds are not in our favor. I'm not a betting woman, so I'm unwilling to say I feel confident or optimistic. However, I'll add that I believe in a God that is in no way bound by numbers. I'm hopeful that He has heard out cries and will mercifully answer our prayers. So yeah, realistic, yet hopeful kind of sums it up.

The last question my friends want to know is this: "how's your heart?" This one's tough. I want to say fragile. Because it is. I've experienced the disappointment before. I know that a whole slew of things can quickly follow on the heels of a failure like this... anger, sadness, regret, depression. And yes, I fear those things. I fear what fighting infertility can make me become. I fear the shell of a woman, of a friend, of a wife I could turn into for weeks, months, years... I've seen it in my own friends. It's a terrible thing to crawl out of your own empty husk. However, despite the fact that the human heart is fragile, I'm feeling optimistic about surviving Friday intact, no matter the results. Yes, I will be sad... super sad. Yes, I will be frustrated... immensely so. Yes, I will feel despair... how much longer will we have to walk this road? I will feel all of these things and more if it is a negative result. And obviously if it's a positive result, I will be elated, terrified, shocked, thankful... too many emotions to describe. Essentially, I guess I'm as close to at peace with the outcome as I think I'll ever get. It will be what it will be... we just have to be ready to move forward with either result. So I guess the answer is fragile, my heart is certainly fragile, but I feel comforted that the Lord's got this. He's in control, He sees the bigger picture, and He's not going to let us go. Friday could change everything or change nothing, but either way, we're going to be okay... eventually.

So four more days of waiting... four more days and then we'll know.

Thoughts on being PUPO

For those of you not in the know, PUPO is a term infertile women use to describe the unique time frame post IVF transfer and pre pregnancy test. It stands for: Pregnant Until Proven Otherwise. I'm not sure if I really buy into it for myself, I mean, I was always happy to celebrate other ladies who were PUPO, but me? Am I pregnant? I mean they're in there, but are they still alive? Are they going to implant? Those two things seem kind of critical to the idea of being pregnant. But whatever... my community likes to call it PUPO, so PUPO it is!

Before we get into the more emotional and spiritual thoughts on being pregnant until proven otherwise, let's cover the physical aspects, shall we?

First of all, recuperating from IVF (retrieval and transfer) has been significantly worse than my laparoscopy. I know. It makes no sense. I don't have Ovarian Hyperstimulation Syndrome, so there's really no excuse. All I know is, I've felt pretty terrible since Friday afternoon of last week. My stomach is soooo sore, like someone beat me with a crowbar kind of sore. And food, all food, sounds marginal at best, and vomit worthy at worst. Which leads me to my favorite thing about the two week wait: discovering you have every early pregnancy symptom known to mankind. I currently have:

• food aversion- triple check
• increased urination- yep, we're coming back to this one
• fatigue- I fell asleep at 8:30 last night... for good
• tender breasts- have mercy
• nausea/vomiting- the only thing I'm currently missing... it's a miracle

And just in case there is anyone out there thinking that this is good news and is about to offer congratulations, today is day 6 of our little embryos' lives, better known as implantation day. Which means today is really the first chance that the embryos could implant, meaning all of the above "symptoms" are not from the embryo or any hCG. They are just the fun side effects of all the drugs I'm on and having hormone levels that are all over the place. I know, I have absolutely no idea why fertile people don't choose to procreate this way... it's so much more fun playing these guessing games.

So let's go back to that frequent urination bit... I know, infertility blogs are full of TMI. Feel free to skip ahead. So Sunday night, better known as dose number four of Crinone (progesterone), I started exhibiting the signs of a UTI. I couldn't sleep so I stayed up researching all the side effects of each medication I was taking... Crinone matched everything. Less than 5% of people get any of those side effects, but they were all listed. I decided to tough it out until yesterday when I caved and called the clinic to see if there was anything to be done. They said they had to rule out an actual UTI first. I rolled my eyes but agreed to go get one since they said I could take those AZO pills to ease the discomfort. Well, don't you know, the OB's office thinks I actually do have a UTI... lovely.

And last but not least, I look pregnant. I'd say a good 12 weeks, maybe even 14. I swear I cringe every time I pass a stranger... if someone asks if I'm pregnant I may completely lose it. I'm assuming this is all bloat, but it looks legit. I'm thinking about making a t-shirt that says "just had IVF... don't even think about asking" just so everyone is really, really clear. The good news is that the bump is adorable if I do say so myself. I mean for a bump that is bloat and not baby, it's pretty cute. So just in case there is any future opportunity for a bump that is baby, I have high hopes that it will be a really cute bump.

Okay moving on. My thoughts are as usual, kind of all over the place. One moment I'm really hopeful and jazzed thinking things like "I'm closer than I've been in 2.5 years" and "we've got 4 chances at this" and the next second I'm sure that I will not be one of the lucky ones, that IVF is simply a cruel temptation to prolong my misery. I'm trying really hard not to let my mind go there, but sometimes it sneaks up on me. In fact yesterday I found myself researching next steps in case this fails. Suddenly I realized what I was doing and felt so guilty. I can't give up on these babies yet. There is a lot of fear tied in with this whole mess and my crazy mind thinks it will hurt less as long as there is a backup plan. But that's a lie; it's going to hurt like crazy if that first beta comes back negative. It doesn't even matter that statistically it will be negative. It's still going to hurt. So I'm refusing to allow myself to look into CCRM, or adoption, or donor eggs, or donor embryos... none of it. There will be time when and if we have to cross those bridges.

In the mean time, I'm trying not to focus every minute of every day on "am I pregnant?" and "was that an implantation twinge?". I'm really, really, really trying to trust that the Lord's got us, that He's in control, and that He is big enough to handle whatever comes next. I've begged and pleaded for these little lives, but ultimately it is 100% out of my hands. He'll either breathe life, or He won't. And although it's going to hurt like crazy if we fail, and I'm going to want to crawl in the darkest hole and cry my eyes out, I'm constantly reminding myself that He is faithful. He will not call me out on the waters and abandon me; He will see me through. 

You call me out upon the waters
The great unknown, where feet may fail
And there I find You in the mystery
In oceans deep, my faith will stand

And I will call upon Your name
And keep my eyes above the waves
When oceans rise
My soul will rest in Your embrace
For I am Yours, and You are mine

- Hillsong United "Oceans (Where Feet May Fail)"

Not This Time

This is going to be brief. I know a lot of you were invested in this cycle right along with me, so I don't want to leave you hanging. The test was negative. I'll, of course, keep taking the progesterone and retest on Monday, but I know how this story ends.

Thank you for all of your prayers, emails, texts, etc. I couldn't have made it through this cycle with my spirit and sanity intact with out all of you. I seriously felt your prayers over the last day or so. I woke up this morning and simply knew. I knew it was negative. I tested to confirm. But I haven't cried (yet). I'm not sure if this is a brief moment of numbness or if this is just me being at peace with the situation. I'm sure as the truth settles in over the next few hours and days, I will have my moments, but for now, I'm doing okay.

The only real thought on my mind is that I want to revisit "the plan". The plan is our blueprint for family building. It says that IVF is next. Right now, I'm not sure how I feel about that. Today, I have no faith in my body's ability to get the job done. Today, I can't think of anything more terrible than creating  beautiful embryos only to watch them die in my body (aka the tomb). But I'm not making any decisions today. Maybe not even this week. These are not the types of decisions you make when you're emotional, nor when your hormones are out of sync. And obviously, we've got to come to a decision about next steps that we both feel good about.

So that's all for now. I'll be back later when I've got a firmer hold on my feelings. I haven't started analyzing what went wrong… I'm sure that will come. I haven't thought of a hundred questions for my doctor… but again, I'm sure that will come. For now, I'm just going to get though this day. One day at a time ladies, one day at a time.

Quit Playing Games with My Heart

A little Backstreet Boys for your Thursday morning? You're welcome. I was actually a N'SYNC fan myself. And we're totally off topic... circling back around. I've been struggling the last few days. My emotions are so tied up with this cycle. Every morning I wake up to take my temperature and I'm saying prayers while making sure the thermometer doesn't move and my lips stay totally sealed because if that temperature reading falls, I will be devastated. And yet, it's not. It's rising.

May 2013 BBT Chart: IUI#4

I know lots of people say that temping after a trigger or while on progesterone is totally unreliable, but I've yet to see that in my own charting. Sure, the progesterone is keeping my temperatures high but that's an accurate reflection of how much progesterone is in my system. My temperatures are higher than they've ever been before... eeeee! And, I do believe I see the ever elusive, not so reliable, "implantation dip".... now, sure, it's on CD6 and not CD7-10 like FertilityFriend says, but it's there.

As far as symptoms go, I've had them ALL... for one brief moment, and then they are gone. I've been nauseous, fatigued, bloated; I've had heartburn, cramps, and frequent urination. I've had it all, but nothing is consistent. It's here today gone tomorrow, or better yet here at 10am and gone by noon. I'm a lovely mixed up ball of emotions, symptoms, hope and dread. Where is all of this coming from?

And then it hit me. I've consciously and subconsciously been dreaming and running various scenarios in my head for the last several weeks. I now understand exactly why I'm so completely invested in this cycle. There is a LOT riding on this cycle: Not surprising, I know. But seriously, as if a BABY isn't enough, as if becoming PARENTS isn't enough... this cycle could also change our lives financially in big, big ways. Let me explain:

Ten months ago, when IUI#3 failed, we decided to do IVF. It wasn't a happy discussion at all... it was one of the ugliest fights we've ever had. I wanted to take out a loan, Sam wanted to save... I accused him of not caring about our unborn children (below the belt? maybe), he called me irrational. Basically we came to an agreement to do IVF... the END. We had no real plan of how to get there. Which is why we're here (at IUI) instead of there (at IVF). But regardless, all of this is to say, that with time we've come to fully embrace and expect IVF. The plan is and has been to live well below our means for as long as it takes to pay off our credit card debt (shame face), pay for IVF, and maybe even a down payment on a house. We're expecting to pay $18,000 for a chance at a baby. BUT, if we somehow get pregnant (and stay pregnant) this cycle, our entire outlook on the next year would change. We could pay off close to $30,000 in student loan debt. Or we could have a HUGE down payment on a home. This could literally change the way our finances look for the next five, ten, fifteen years... it's that big of a deal.

So when I say that there is a lot riding on this cycle, I mean it. It wouldn't be just a baby, which in and of itself is enough reason to totally lose it, but it would also be like winning the lottery. In our heads, that $18,000 is already gone... a positive pregnancy test would be like someone handing us $18,000. Without even realizing it, I've been playing all these scenarios through my head... buying a house next spring (with a nursery of course) with a sizable down payment and a lower interest rate because of less debt... it's a really really beautiful picture. And I'm not ready to see the dream go.

BUT, I keep reminding myself that if this is another failure, nothing has changed. We were planning to do IVF... we will still be planning to do IVF. But I'm just going to be really honest, this one's going to hurt.

Until Saturday my friends...

Wishing Away the Days

What's new? I've been wishing away days, weeks, months, heck, whole seasons of my life I'm pretty ashamed to say. But now that we're here: 8DPO, 7DPIUI, I'm wishing the days away like crazy. I just have to get to Saturday (yea, yea, I know I originally said Monday). If it's negative, I'll cry, throw an excellent pity party, and then retest on Monday, at which point if it's still negative, I will dissolve into a puddle. Offers are being taken now for volunteers to scrape the goo (what's left of me) off the sidewalk. BUT, if it's positive... oh geez... I will not wait for Monday, I will drive myself straight on down to Atlanta (without an appointment) and demand a beta. I will not wait for Monday again... I've been down that road before and terrible, awful, no good, very bad things happen.

I'm pretty sure that I've had every early pregnancy symptom at least once in the last week... but who am I kidding? My guess is that so have you because the symptoms of early pregnancy are the symptoms of LIFE. I've decided that my contribution to the TTC community will be this: once I complete this TTC roller coaster, I'll have so much money I won't know what to do. So, I'm going to create a new test... a test for actual conception: i.e. did sperm meet egg?... Now sure, it'll be crazy sad to get a positive on this new test only to get a negative, which would mean it failed to implant. But at this point, I've just GOT TO KNOW.

I'm also interested in discovering safe alternatives to over-dosing on sleeping pills or requesting a medically induced coma to allow for a solid two weeks of sleep. Because really, I don't need to be awake for this. I'm worthless. My head is somewhere else and my body is functioning an autodrive as it searches EVERY neural/physical response within my body for signs of life (it's too early to feel a kick, right? I should cross that one off my list.). And no, I don't need to keep myself busy... I'm working a full time and a part time job... I'm plenty busy. This does not equate to a distraction. It just equates to time that I must be awake... the goal is to be asleep, wahhhhh!

But a big shout out to a quite a few girls who survived the 2WW and received good news! Go on over and tell Amanda, Infertile265, and Laura congratulations on their positive pee sticks and beta results! Good luck ladies, we are all pulling for you!

And that's all I've got folks... I told you: it's all on autopilot.

Emotionally Invested

I'm too emotionally invested in this cycle. I'm scared to death of the bad news... of the blow to my self esteem, the removal of all air in my universe, the suffocating black void of despair. For the very first IUI, I was fully in it, I tried to hold back, to recognize that it could take three (haha), but I was emotionally invested, and I honestly believed IUI would work for us. I mean I had THREE follicles, how could it go wrong? And then I got the negative... and I drowned. Somehow, I got washed up on the shore and managed to revive myself. All of a sudden we were gearing up for IUI #2: there was supposed to be a light at the end of the tunnel. I had hope... a little, but not like that first time. By the third IUI, I was detached from the experience. I was actually working at not giving up on the cycle. But I simple didn't believe in the process anymore... our numbers were significantly worse and I believed if it didn't work with better numbers, it wouldn't work then.

After three failed IUI's in three months, I was SO over IUI's! What good are they? Does anybody get pregnant off that junk? What a waste! I was resolved: no more IUI's. I was ready for the big guns. When my doctor recommended another IUI, I wanted to say no, not happening. However, he was super convincing (i.e. I got steamrolled) and I now find myself here: too invested.

 Here are some signs that I'm loosing my grip on reality:

I've never tested out the surge (taking a HPT every day after trigger until it's negative). I haven't taken a pregnancy test in months... I think I've used two since the IUI's?!? I took a test for IUI #2 and #3 because I simply could not receive that news over the phone again... couldn't do it. But SUDDENLY I'm debating buying these, and these, and these, because what if this is it? and I've just got to know! and how long is two weeks again? and why haven't they invented something to test if egg met sperm?

I haven't added to my pinterest board o' babies in months... probably a year or more. But all of a sudden, I'm wondering if any of the adorable bedding I pinned eons ago is even still available. I actually pictured us crib shopping for about 2.4 seconds. What is going on!?!?!

I actually checked my due date on FertilityFriend. March 2, 2014.

I haven't lost my mind... yet. It's not that I'm confident in this cycle or anything. No I wouldn't say that; it's more of this quiet anticipation... it's a what if? It's a realization that there is a chance, a chance that THIS IS IT.

I did not vomit this morning, nor do I have heartburn. I think I've associated both of those incidents with the doxycycline. Thanks to my friend Aubrey's revelation that she too had a hate/hate relationship with the vomit producing drug, I've assigned my misadventures firmly in the "side effect" column rather than the "symptom" column (and no, I don't have a spread sheet... that's something Erika would do). And I'm not looking for symptoms at this point. I hope I don't ever, but I'm reminding myself that 10DPO would be the earliest I should fully fall of the crazy train, and today we're 3DPO... I've got a long way to go.

How did this happen? I was not prepared for all of this hope. Where did it come from? I'm not sure if it's my doctor (aka Dr. Optimism), all of the support from you girls, or the months in between IUI #3 and IUI #4, but the hope is flowing. And it scares me to death. Do I attempt to squash it? Do I let it flourish? Is there a happy medium somewhere where hope and reality both live? Is there a place where another negative doesn't squash me like a bug?

Spotting Symptoms

So I know what most of you are thinking... I can't possibly be checking for pregnancy symptoms yet. And I'm  not, believe me I'm not. This is more about how whenever you have a reason to actually check for symptoms, they are EXTREMELY abundant. This is the first month in a very long time that there is a significant chance (can you call 10% significant?) we might get pregnant, but that is absolutely no reason for eight billion symptoms to come out of nowhere. It's just not.

Take yesterday for example: 1DPIUI (one day post IUI) I woke up to the WORST HEARTBURN EVER! Now granted, I never get heartburn. I've never even taken a tums before, so my tolerance for such terribleness may be kind of low, but to me, it was awful. The sensation was all the way into my chest, terribly uncomfortable, and would not go away. Of course one of the medications I'm on says not to take any type of antacid... lovely. I finally called the doctor to see if this is a side-effect of anything because well, I'd had NOTHING that should cause heartburn. And don't you know, the medicine (doxycycline) that states in plain English on the bottle not to take antacids is the culprit. Nice. My nurse recommended that I take the evening pill earlier, so that I don't lay down after taking it. She also said to ignore the pharmacy's instructions, to go take a tums, and to eat a little something when I take the pill. Oh and milk, she said to drink milk... but that ain't happenin'.

My point is this: heartburn is a well known sign of pregnancy. Maybe not the earliest sign you might get, but still, a woman trying to conceive will wonder...

Then there was this morning: 2DPIUI I didn't feel awesome. Kind of warm, kind of, well off, but not stay home from work sick. I was almost finished getting ready, I took Sterling outside, I started to feel really, really lightheaded. I thought I needed to sit down. I headed inside. All of a sudden in the midst of, "I'm going to pass out" came "I'm going to throw up". And I did. And I NEVER get sick. Never.

Everyone knows that vomiting your guts up is a sign of pregnancy, particularly the type of nausea/vomiting that occurs in the morning... it's called morning sickness for a reason, you know?

So what's a woman to do? I mean seriously, I'm 2DPIUI, maybe 3DPO (three days post ovulation). If, and I do mean if egg met sperm, that beautiful mass of cells is still in my fallopian tubes. They haven't even implanted! There is no rush of hormones flooding through my system to trigger all of these "symptoms". And this my friends, is why the 2WW totally blows!

Play nice universe, play nice. I'd like to survive the two week wait with my sanity intact.