Hurry Up and Wait

Whoa. Like serious whoa. I'd like for life to slow down just a bit, but I have a feeling it's not going to in the least. The last several weeks have been filled to the absolute brim. I'm pretty sure I could sleep for 24 hours straight right about now. I just completed the busiest season of the year at work, which is always a huge relief, but with maternity leave looming, I'm already preparing for time away. No rest for the weary.

In November, we took a few days off of work and traveled to Colorado. The purpose of the trip was to spread my father's ashes. He passed away last October and this trip had been in the works since then. Colorado is special to me, quite possibly the most special place on earth, and it was to my dad too. We were both born in Fort Collins, Colorado...it's one thing we had in common during seasons of life when I would have sworn that that was the only thing we shared. My relationship with my father was tenuous at best and volatile at worst during the last twenty years. He was a complicated man. We had not spoken in years and our last conversation was not one that I remember fondly. To find a happy memory, I must go further back to a conversation that, believe it or not, centered around Colorado. He wanted to take me skiing again. While I was far, far wiser as an adult and wary of getting my hopes up, I'll admit that the spark of childhood memories blossomed in me. The memories of skiing with my dad are undoubtedly some of the very best of my childhood. We never made that trip.

Taking my dad back to Colorado was important to me...hard, but in some way healing. It's a place that we uniquely shared. The longing for the mountains, well, I think it's something we will both keep for all the days of our lives. It was his and still is my wish to eventually move back to Colorado. This was my way of taking him home.

The trip was hard. My emotions ran hot and cold, but my anxiety was also high. It had been over seven and a half years since I had last flown, and wow. Let's just was my anxiety has not gotten better over the years. So yeah, I was an anxious, emotional mess trying to honor my dad and spend some quality time with my family while also analyzing how I'm seriously unprepared for 15 hour flights to and from China. It was a complicated week. The highlight was certainly getting Garrison out on the slopes. I don't know when or if my little family will make it back out to Colorado...life's about to get a whole heck of a lot messier and more chaotic, so it was really special that I got to see my little nugget doing what I so desperately loved as a child. I know he's likely too young that these memories will remain, but they will always be there for me, and for that I'm thankful. My mom and I made a few runs as well. It was cathartic really. For so many years it was mom and I against the world. It felt good to end the trip with a memory that we both shared from so long ago.

We returned from our trip and quickly got spun into the adoption journey again. On December 7, we were notified that our dossier was out of review. Basically, at that point, China had said yes to us as a family; we simply had to wait for them to say yes to our match with our son. We received our Letter of Acceptance on December 11, and since then it's been full steam ahead. But now, we wait. Soon we will be jumping through some more hoops. And then we'll wait. Rinse and repeat.

We are currently waiting on approval from US Citizenship and Immigration Services. If you remember hearing that before, it's because we've been here before. Basically, you apply the first time to adopt a child from a specific country, but the child in question is vague...just a general outline (boy/girl, age range, etc). Then you apply again for your specific child. We should have approval any day now. From here, there's a whole slew of acronyms and numbers that no one outside of the international adoption community would understand, but basically each is a step in the process to receiving approval from China to travel. We must have approval before we can truly schedule our trip.

Estimates on travel right now are March, with an early estimate that we could meet our son on February 26...well except that I work for a church. It's a long story, but visas are becoming more and more complicated to procure and due to my place of employment, our travel could be delayed by two-ish weeks. Believe me, that's a tough place to sit. To know that your child is spending additional nights in an orphanage, even if it's a great one with loving ayis and exceptional care, is really, really hard. And so we wait. And then we sprint to jump over the next hurdle. And then we wait. Slowly but surely, we're inching closer to our boy.

Christmas this year was a little hard. I felt a lot of guilt about celebrating while our son sleeps in an orphanage each night. I didn't know the right way to honor him and still celebrate with the family that we have here. I didn't want to diminish Garrison's Christmas or sit around pouting and bemoaning what we don't have in the midst of a season of great joy and hope. Thursday, December 21, was the winter solstice and as such it was the longest night. It was a poignant moment for me as I reflected that for both my son and I, the days are getting longer, the nights are getting shorter, and with each turn of the earth, we are one day closer to one another. We ended up ordering his stocking and hanging it with ours. He received a few small gifts in his stocking just like Garrison. To help Garrison understand that his brother is a real, live person and not just an imaginary friend, we packed up all of his gifts and mailed them to him. Hopefully he receives his package in the coming weeks and on some lever knows that he is loved and his family is coming for him, racing the sun to hold him.

We're still about $7,000 away from our total for adoption expenses, and we have about eight weeks to get there. I'd tell you that this seems insurmountable, but truthfully, we've been here before. I've seen everything fall into place in ways I couldn't possibly have dreamed up. I'm trusting that though this is out of my hands, it is not out of His control. In the coming days, we will make preparations to add another son to our home, both with the addition of a new carseat and the purging of closets, but also space in our hearts for this new gift. The journey to him has already been long, complex, and difficult, but I have a feeling we're just getting started. The real journey is just beginning.

Four for Four

Way back when, before we were married, I made Sam agree to always celebrate our anniversary. Like a legit celebration, not a card or flowers from the grocery store on the way home from work. No, I want an actual break in the regular day-to-day stuff, a pause to reflect and look forward. I totally recognize that this is a hard commitment to make, particularly if there are several little ones running around. As we still do not have said little ones, are excuses typically center around a lack of funds (because said funds were spent in the process of procuring said little ones). Our anniversaries have simplified and simplified year after year... we started off big and slowly made less and less of a celebration out of it. This year, despite not having ample funds I really wanted to do something. I'm thankful to say that, thus far, we are four for four in our commitment.

Year One: Caribbean Cruise

Year Two: Atlanta

Year Three: Lake House

and...

Year Four: Myrtle Beach

I didn't set out to go to Myrtle Beach, but rather I just wanted some place warm. I think pretty much the entire country would agree that this winter has been looonnngggg and cooolllldd. And for our family, this winter has been about as depressing as I can handle, so I really felt the need to feel warm sun and see bright skies. Not to mention I'm fairly sure if the clinic checked my Vitamin D level these days I'd be back at the "chronically low" stage. It seemed like the beach was just calling my name. I started off researching glamorous things like Mexico... scratch that idea. I downgraded to Key West... mmm, no. Vacation wasn't looking too glamorous after crunching the numbers. Thankfully, just a few weeks ago, I found a Groupon Getaway for a hotel in Myrtle Beach. After a little TripAdvisor research I decided this was a nice spot and a good deal... we booked it. I'm so glad we did!

The hotel, Marina Inn at Grande Dunes, was kind of ridiculous... as in ridiculously nice (so don't go look it up and assume we paid that... umm, no) Definitely a vacation destination for people in a different tax bracket than us, so thank you Groupon. We walked into the lobby and I thought we were lost. Needless to say, we looked slightly out of place in our travel gear after a six plus hour drive at check-in where everyone else was in resort wear or business attire. But whatever, my clearance bathing suit from White House Black Market and Rainbow sandals served me just fine. 

We were super nervous about the weather. All week we'd been checking and it was getting worse and worse. When you're only staying two nights, that one full day becomes REALLY crucial to the success of the trip. Luckily, we woke up Saturday to clear, blue skies and warm sunshine. We had a glorious day on the beach! The beach was practically empty! The hotel has a small "private" section, and randomly none of the other hotel guests decided to utilize it that day. It was so nice and quiet... just a really lovely day to relax with my husband. 

My only complaint is that our trip wasn't long enough... I could have used another day or two. But time off of work and money are hot commodities these days. Regardless, I'm so thankful we got away, had time to rest, and time to remember how blessed we are to have each other.

Top Left, clockwise: Fish N' Chips for Anniversary dinner, Coldstone (eek),
the beach,  view from hotel room, awkward photo on the beach, my monogrammed towel
and not so tan legs, Sam and his Double Pig dinner on our Anniversary,
lovely hotel room for less than half the price

Here's to year number five!

The Trifecta

I'm in search of The Trifecta. What is that, you ask? Oh well it's essentially my pursuit of happiness: a good job, a home, and a kid. I'm knocking on the door of 28.5 years and I'm still in search of The Trifecta. I know it's become the sad, sad, sad story of my generation that we're reaching milestones later, and later than we (or our parents) ever imagined. Sam and I appear to be particularly stunted... thanks infertility.

Suddenly it feels as if there is potential, potential to achieve The Trifecta. Unbelievable. Simply unbelievable. I won't get in to the employment thing because that just seems dumb to talk about on a public blog, but I'm EXCEPTIONALLY pleased to announce that the Greavus are house hunting! Eeekkkkk! I know, I know. Probably not that exciting, but to us, we're beyond pumped. The reason we're finally pulling the trigger on a house is probably a little premature and maybe the strangest reason ever to start the search. Essentially, if we decide adoption is our next step, we will have to move. No one, and I really mean that, absolutely no social worker would approve us for a home study in our current setup... we don't even have smoke detectors. When we started thinking about moving, we realized (once again) that rent is not cheap. We started crunching numbers and well, to get into a nice(r) place that will accept our 80 lb Weimeraner, our cat, and would pass a home inspection.... well it's not pretty. I exclaimed, "we could own a house for less than that!" And do you know what? We actually can!

Regardless of the decision to adopt, we would never feel comfortable bringing our child home to our current place, so moving is a must at some time. And now that we've started looking, we're both full three quarters steam ahead. We are trying to be EXTRA cautious with our choices. While we fully realize that the third part of our trifecta could come in the form of the two little embryos we transferred, we also realize that it might not. We could be years and thousands upon THOUSANDS of dollars away from a bring home baby. In order to save thousands, we need enough margin in our monthly budget. Which means the house of our dreams is not in the works, nor is the house we thought we'd buy when we got married... no this is the house of reality. The reality that says any child may cost $30,000+... literally. Dream homes are for later... much, much later. This will be a true "starter home"... and not like the starter homes my generation and those proceeding us thought were starters homes, no this will be a true starter home. But the cool thing is, we're still so excited about it. It probably won't even have five of our top ten wants, but it's still INCREDIBLE that we're even doing this.

As to the whole baby thing... I'd be lying if I said I hadn't thought of the potential we have right now. The potential for a positive pregnancy test on Friday and a bring home baby in 36 weeks. I've certainly thought of how ASTONISHINGLY different out lives would look if we weren't expecting to spend the next few years saving for a chance at a baby. I mean obviously, our lives would look waayyy different just because we have a baby... that in and of itself would be ridiculously different. But in terms of finances, things would radically change if we weren't up against IVF or adoption.

The potential for big things, for life altering change is definitely there... as to how significant the potential is, I have no idea. What are the odds we actually achieve ALL THREE?!?!? Probably slim... our lives simply do not seem to work that way. But two out of three? Still amazing. One out of three? I'd still be thrilled with ANY positive thing right now. Particularly if that one is a BABY... literally, I'll live in a hovel and work for minimum wage for a baby.

Speaking of baby... test day is Friday. I'm giving myself about a 5% chance of a positive beta which is low even for me. My doubts are at an all time high because I had period-ish cramps on and off all day Sunday, all day Monday and most of Tuesday. They are gone now, but I still don't think this bodes well. But one way or another, we'll find out on Friday.

And even if all three fall through, our anniversary is next week... I'm reminded that we are abundantly blessed to have four years of marriage behind us. We have a small trip planned to get away and relax together over a long weekend and I'm ridiculously excited! Other than Florida for IVF (which was too stressful and sad to even consider a vacation) this will be the first getaway since our last anniversary. We're ready.

The Retrieval

If the abundant like of wit and creativity in the blog title didn't clue you in, today has been rough. I'm not witty, or creative, or really 100% here right now. I've been trapped in a sort of fog... cotton in my head and a lack of neurons successfully crossing the synaptic gap... that's been my day. But I wanted to get a post together to let everyone know that I'm alive and that thankfully I'm feeling better. I credit my long awaited for bowl of Rice Krispies for the improvements.

You may remember from May that I was terrified of the anesthesia needed for the laparoscopy. Like lose my mind once-and-for-all kind of terrified. And that surgery and the anesthesia ended up fine. I woke up, felt mostly normal, took a percocet because I was afraid of pain and slept for about 4 hours. Everything I did that day (drink ginger ale, eat saltines, take pain meds) was from fear of what could be rather than an actual need. So going in to today, I was nervous, but I kept telling myself if I can survive deep anesthesia and full intubation, I could survive this. Well, I survived and that's about all that can be said for the cocktail of meds they gave me today.

It was actually harder to wake up and stay awake. I fell back asleep EVERY TIME the stupid arm cuff released me and woke up EVERY TIME that stupid thing beeped and squeezed my arm. Ughhh. I hate that thing! Everyone told me I'd want to know how many eggs they got as soon as I woke up, but I had no idea why I was even there. Thankfully, I got my favorite nurse today and she was super sweet and let me be pitiful. I knew something was different about this medicine right away because I had the shakes really bad, like almost had to get a nurse to put on my underwear because I couldn't hold my arms steady. It was soooo weird. It's a terrible thing to feel like you can't control your limbs, like your motor skills have abandoned you.

We had to drive about forty-five minutes to the beach house (we left the hotel life behind thanks to some incredibly generous people). About 15 minutes in, I started to feel really dizzy and the beginnings of nausea. By the time we made it to St. Augustine, I was miserable, but just kept telling myself not to vomit. Sam stopped to grab himself some lunch and I just stayed in the car, afraid to move, with the door open and my head in my lap. He showed back up with his Chick-fil-A and I came so close to losing it all over the car. The smell was ungodly. I never thought Chick-fil-A could insight vomit, but apparently it's possible. Somehow I made it back to the house, but that's as far as I made it. Vomit fest ensued.  I never get sick and there was nothing in me (no food since 7pm last night), but my stomach pretended not to care. After that, I crashed. I was out from 12ish to 2:30 and then from 2:45 till sometime after 5. I could have slept longer, but I made myself get up and move. It was a good choice because I've felt much more normal since then. No real cramping, spotting, or pain to complain of. I would say I feel sensitive and a little sore, but no pain. It was just the cocktail of meds that did me in today.

My nurse did tell me how many eggs (13) multiple times during recovery. She explained that though they could see 18 follicles going into the procedure, several of mine were empty. I'm thankful I was capable of just nodding that I understood at that point. It wasn't until I got in the car with Sam (they never allowed him back to recovery) that I lost it. Once again, I fully recognize that I should be over the moon with 13, but I'm not. I was (apparently) really expecting 20 eggs. Even when our follicle counts were lower than expected, so many people assured me that there are always hidden follicles, that I'd get more. Unfortunately, that's not always the case. Sometimes you get less. Thirteen obviously is the number of eggs, not necessarily mature eggs... the retrieval doctor mentioned to Sam that he was expecting around 10 mature. I spent the last three months researching and praying about what I should do with 20+ eggs. How many should I freeze as eggs, as pronuclear, as day 2, as day 5... none of that matters anymore. We obviously fertilized all of the eggs.

To say that I am disappointed would be an understatement. I go back and forth between feeling like I let us down, like my body didn't perform up to its capabilities and feeling robbed, like the protocol and the doses just didn't get what my body could offer. One moment I'm mad at myself for failing to perform and the next I'm mad that the doctors were unwilling to push me. This was supposed to be our one and only egg retrieval... one and done, that was our deal. The doubts are already creeping in though and I can hear myself making excuses for why we should try just one more time.

Despite being bummed about the retrieval, I actually am really thankful... I know that sounds weird, disappointed and thankful at the same time, but that's how I feel. Thankful to have 13 eggs that might be mature, that might fertilize successfully, that might grow and multiply well, and that might lead to a bring home baby. It's more than we've ever had before. Today we are closer than we've been in a long, long time to our dream, and for that I'm very thankful.

Obviously, my sadness and happiness teeter on a very narrow divide... everything (for now) hinges on the fertilization report. Speaking of which, I won't hear anything tomorrow. Which is crazy. I've never heard of not receiving a fertilization report the day after retrieval. Instead, my clinic gives a report on  day 2, Saturday. They kind of combine fertilization report and transfer recommendation into one day. Saturday, I'll hear how many fertilized, how they're doing, and whether they recommend a  day-3 or a day-5 transfer. It's going to be a looonnnnggg time until Saturday morning.

However, if all goes according to plan, I should have a pretty nice distraction tomorrow. Sam surprised me with this news: We're going to Disney World! Ahhhhhh! People, I'm not sure if I can adequately explain my love for Disney World.... like I could have gotten married there if my husband didn't think it was stupid... like I would happily have honeymooned there... like I ordered the vacation planning DVDs when we'd been dating for about a year to try to convince Sam that we desperately needed to go. Unfortunately, Sam doesn't share my over the top love of all things Disney. He always said we'd go once we have kids. Well people, stop the presses, but if all went well today... we've got kids. Granted, they haven't even begun cellular division, but whatever, if that distinction is enough to get me in the gates of Disney, I'll take it. I'm really hoping I feel up to it tomorrow. My nurse said I could return to normal activity tomorrow... I'm not sure if that includes the Magic Kingdom, but I really hope so!

Sunshine State

Whoa… I need a weekend to recuperate from my weekend. I'm exhausted. But the good news is, I think it was worth it. Let me back up:

If you've been following along on the blog for the last six months or so, you've probably discovered a few things about me like: A- we're doing IVF, B- we don't know where, and C- I'm indecisive. It's been a pretty happening place for the Greavus on the TTC front lately… there's been a lot of deep thinking, creating pro-con lists, crunching numbers, and planning. All of which has gotten us exactly no where. In the midst of my confusion and frustration on where to go for IVF, I created a list of all the better than average clinics in the country. Initially, I was incredibly overwhelmed and frustrated. The good clinics seemed to be so far away. I was stuck with mediocrity at a high price. I threw a pity party for a few days and whined about my inability to live in Massachusetts to get IVF for free or travel to Colorado for the best chances of success. Eventually, I got over myself and decided to visit a few more clinics based on my IVF wish list (and my husband's distance limit and price cap). I decided to visit FIRM in Jacksonville, Florida; PREG in Greenville, South Carolina; and Emory in Atlanta, Georgia. I decided that these three clinics, along with the other three I've already been to in the last year (RBA, ACRM and SMFI), would give me the best glimpse at what the southeast has to offer.

Friday, I had my consultation with FIRM in Jacksonville, Florida. Sam couldn't get off work, so my mom was kind enough to take the day and travel the six hours down with me. My weekend essentially started on Thursday night after the college girls in the community group I lead left about 10 o'clock. I then stuffed a bunch of items in a bag and headed to my mom's house. My appointment was at 1:15 on Friday, so we planned to leave with plenty of time, which equated to the crack of dawn. It made the most sense to drive home that night. I got in bed about midnight, or approximately two hours after my bed time (yep, I'm old before my time). Friday morning I was up at 5:30 and ready to hit the road. It was a very good thing we left when we did because, holy moly, the day was filled with "whoops".

Whoops in order:

1. Mom left her phone… go back home
2. Tractor trailer accident on I-75... go around
3. Missed the turn on the alternate route to avoid traffic... go further around
4. We thought IHOP would be quick... thought wrong
5. Missed the exit for I-10... 7.1 miles before the next exit to turn around
6. Got lost in the parking deck... waste time circling, trying to find the up ramp
7. Got lost in the hospital... race around getting on and off elevators
8. Mom lost her car keys... return to hotel room
9. Mom lost the room key... return to front desk

So yea, needless to say, the day was longggggg. In addition to the above fun, we also ran into a legitimate swarm of some kind of bug. I've been down to Tifton, Georgia before, so I get that there are lots of bugs, but this was kind of unreal. This was in infestation of bugs (mating) in the middle of the day. A bug apocalypse. It was unreal.

Windshield after about ten minutes into the plague of mating insects

The front bumper of mom's car upon arriving in Florida. She was pleased.

Luckily, despite ALL of the insanity, we managed to make it to the appointment sort of on time. I say sort of because we were most definitely late, but the doctor was later, so I say we get a pass. The appointment went pretty well. I liked the doctor: he seemed very knowledgeable and very up to date on research. I would see a doctor for every monitoring appointment and could potentially see him for every appointment if I was willing to go to a different office in Jacksonville each day (they have three offices in Jacksonville). Overall, I was fairly pleased with the visit... not in love, but satisfied.

After the appointment we went back to the parking deck, got lost again, and eventually made it the eight miles or so to our hotel: Hotel Indigo. I've never stayed in a Hotel Indigo before, but from what I've heard, they are very modern in design. Add in that Floridians apparently like appalling color combinations (orange and blue?!?!?) and well, I should have been expecting this. The lobby was tastefully done if you could look past seventeen bright, bold colors in one room. Thank goodness, the room was a more mellow. Overall it was a great little hotel. I would definitely stay here again. It was in a little eat/live/play type of village with a large pond outside... very safe, very peaceful, very convenient.

Standard double room: beds were AMAZING... or I was so tired I could
have slept on a rock. Either way, best night of sleep in a while!

After settling into the room, we grabbed a cup of frozen yogurt from a little place down the street, checked out the pool, and decided to wander over to a "small shopping area" just down the street. Holy freak out. I have NEVER seen a shopping mall like the St. John's Town Center. We have outdoor malls in Georgia, but I've never seen anything this massive. Name a store... it was there. Cole Haan, Dillards, Pottery Barn, Louis Vuitton, West Elm, Tiffany, Lucky, Lush, Antropologie, Michael Kors... oh and there is another phase opening soon. What is missing?!?!? Anyway, we walked what felt like ten miles and only saw about a quarter of the place. By this time we were starving so we grabbed dinner at P.F. Changs, a slice of cheesecake at The Cheesecake Factory, and fudge to take home from Kilwin's... they were all within ten feet of eachother. It was too hard to decide.

All in all it was a great trip. I had fun with my momma, which is always great, but ultimately it was a really good decision to go down and visit. I'll be the first to admit that I am incredibly scared to travel alone. Before the trip, if we'd chosen FIRM, I planned to stay in the hotel room except for appointments unless absolutely necessary. My one and only other visit to Jacksonville was during a Georgia/Florida game, and well, I was afraid for my life, so I wasn't looking at FIRM as a real fun option. After going down, navigating the roads, seeing the different hotel options, I could TOTALLY do this. I would not be afraid to go out by myself, take a walk, grab dinner, etc. The only real issue would be giving myself injections... but I'm not worrying about that yet. My mom has graciously offered to come stay with me if I choose FIRM for a few days, and Sam might be able to come down towards the end for a day or so... in the middle, I'd just make it work.

So yea, good trip. Long trip as we drove back home Saturday morning, and then I drove back to Athens, but good. I'm glad I didn't opt of the phone consultation. Seeing Jacksonville, where I'd stay, where I'd buy groceries, where the doctor's office is definitely made me feel a lot more comfortable. FIRM is a legitimate option right now, and I couldn't be more surprised.

I have another consultation today in Greenville, South Carolina. I'm driving myself, so that's awful, but it will be good practice. If we choose this clinic, the plan would be to stay in Athens and drive in each day for monitoring. This clinic is a little more expensive, but has a little better success rates too. I'll let you all know how it goes tomorrow. Wish me luck!

Muddled Mess

Yea, yea, I know. I come, leave you with insight, wit, drama, sadness and then disappear for a week. I am a self-professed terrible blogger. I've got about a zillion posts less than half completed floating around in my head, but none of them sound interesting/are worth typing/have an ending. You're already excited about this one, aren't you?

Essentially, I think my bad blogging habits of late are simply an extension of a larger problem: my brain is a muddled mess. And not the kind due to a lovely smooshing of mint and stuff, just a jumbled, disorganized, vapid wasteland where thoughts go to die. If you could Magic School Bus yourself inside my head right now, you'd find one long stream-of-consciousness style mess of stuff. And I don't even like stream-of-consciousness... Faulkner's The Sound and the Fury was my own personal kind of hell sent just to destroy my straight A college English record. But lately my thoughts look like this:

I need a vacation...I like cake...I wonder if mom will make me a cake this weekend...I should learn to bake...umm, no cake isn't low carb dummy...I love carbs...IVF is going to suck...we should just take out a loan...I want a baby...I love diet coke...diet coke is deadly...who cares...I need coffee...you're not supposed to drink coffee...who cares...I should brush Everest...I need a vacation...I should go back to school...Work is overrated...I want a baby...I'm tired...infertility sucks...I want to see Despicable Me...I can't wait for fall...eww, fall means birthdays...28 = too old...birthdays aren't fun anymore...birthdays are even less fun without presents...I just want a new pillow... pillows aren't in the budget...budgets make my head hurt...I need a vacation...vacations aren't in the budget either...I want a baby

You see what I mean? And I'm being honest, that was the tame, sort of coherent version where there are some logical leaps. Most of the time it's like this:

Fall:sunburn:cake:baby:vacation:sleep:read a book:remember to ___:I love Sam:clean the tub:

And that's in the space of like sixty seconds. So you'll forgive me (and silently rejoice) that I haven't been filling the blog and vast internet with my nonsense. If you noticed there are two reoccurring thoughts in that muddled mess: I want a baby and I want a vacation. Essentially, I'm tired of infertility: tired of writing about it, tired of thinking about it, tired of worrying about it, tired of spending money on it, and tired of all the sadness in my life because of it. But I still want a baby. Nice, huh? And essentially, although I've only been working full time for just over three months, I feel the tension and could really use a vacation. I'd love to just get away, chill on the beach, drink beverages that I shouldn't, and not care in the least whether they will affect my ability to have a baby. I feel the need to get away and spend some time with my husband, just the two of us. I don't want to think about school, work, babies, infertility, IVF, loans, debt, money, none of it. My fairytale world sounds pretty nice, right? I bet we could all use one of those.

Cue reality check: I just started working, so I don't have enough leave saved up for a vacation. And even if I did, I'm going to need all the paid time off I can get when the time comes for IVF. And the reality of the situation is that we are in debt and a baby is going to cost us money, so we have no business taking a vacation. So instead, I'll just sit here with my jumbled thoughts and hope that some direction and clarity comes soon.

DINK

I'm not big on acronyms... at least not the made up kind to shorten a common phrase. I don't text in a conglomeration of letters that look like a foreign language. I blame it on my age. I missed the deadline for texting in gibberish. It probably has more to do with the fact that I pride myself on my ability to speak (and write) English correctly. Sure I know what LOL means; I'm not that bad. Speaking of LOL, I knew a lady who thought it meant Laugh On Line... I didn't explain that "online" is actually one word. But you know, bless her heart, it kind of makes sense; or at least it did before people started saying LOL. Face palm.

I've gotten off topic... Forgive me, it's a sensitive subject. All of this is to say that I'm the one who sees a conglomeration of letters and I don't even pause; if it doesn't mean Department of Labor or University of Georgia, I google it. I don't have the time nor the energy to decipher what SAHM means (Stay At Home Mom... because I googled it). So one day I was reading a blog when I came across DINK... what a terrible acronym. I googled it to discover that it means Double Income No Kids.

Well people, it's official Sam and I are a DINK family. Today marks the first day of double pay checks. I mean I guess it was official when he started his big fancy job two weeks ago, but today there is proof. Two pay checks will hit our bank account today. I'm not sure how I feel about this. I mean obviously two pay checks is lovely, and awesome and desperately needed. It's the rest of the phrase I'm not in love with.

I'm profoundly hit by musings and wonderings about how the other half (way more than half) live. Take for instance my morning: This morning a GIANT freaking tarantula was setting up camp in my kitchen. (no, I don't know that it was a tarantula, it was HUGE, and FURRY and that equals tarantula in my book) Sam was already out the door, so I felt I had no option but to save my precious kitty cat's life by killing the monster. I took off my shoe. It was bigger than my shoe. A mental image of missing the spider and it leaping on to my hand drove me to find Sam's shoe. I live with Big Foot, so I knew that his shoe should offer more protection. I counted to three and whacked it. And it EXPLODED! Oh my FREAKING GOSH a BILLION baby tarantulas started crawling, scurrying, jumping, skittering EVERYWHERE! WORST NIGHTMARE EVER! Now before all of you Tree Huggers and One With Nature-ers tell me that it's what I deserve for killing a harmless spider... cool your jets. I went to an elementary school where we sang about Mother Earth, we celebrated Earth Day like it was Christmas, and our mascot was the Earth Force. I was brainwashed as a child to think littering deserves capital punishment, along with the killing of any animal. We've all got to coexist you know? 99% of that settled into my soul. The 1% that did not stick is the don't kill bugs... wasps, hornets, yellow jackets, cockroaches, and SPIDERS that are IN MY HOUSE deserve to D-I-E. I save worms on the sidewalk, so give me a break, okay?

But in my fairytale, rose colored glasses, I assume that the other half, all ye with a baby on the hip and a toddler in the pack n' play NEVER have bugs. Kids repel bugs, right? Your life is so awesome. Allison, you don't count: you (apparently) live in the Cockroach Capital of the World.

Also, did you read Jennifer Hatmaker's blog? Her summer sounds AMAZING! She packs more into one summer with her kids than I have done in my whole twenty-seven years. She does mystery Thursday's... they camp on trampolines... they go fishing! Summer is so... yawn when you're a double income family with no kids (unless of course you're a teacher... you're a separate breed). I mean sure you might schedule a vacation to the beach, you might have a pool to chill in on the weekends, but there's no constant, everyday is a new day, excitement for Summer. It's work, just like the other three seasons except it's hotter. Lame.

In my fairytale world, Summer is full of the best days of your life. Kids are never bored. You go to Disney World EVERY YEAR. The pool is always crystal clear and sparkling and the perfect temperature. Life is beautiful.

So today, I celebrate that two pay checks hit the bank. Don't get too excited... all of those dollars have a home already and none of them are called Vacation or even Date Night. But still, it's a VERY GOOD thing. But I also mourn that a terrible acronym now describes us... but maybe not forever!

Three Years to Celebrate

We made a rule in our house before we ever got married. It goes something like this:

We will ALWAYS celebrate our anniversary. 

We made a promise to each other over three years ago that no matter how busy our lives get or how difficult it is to get away from the kids (what kids?) that we will always take time to get away and celebrate another year of marriage. The previous anniversaries were pretty special. First we went on a cruise. And then we went to Atlanta and stayed at the Ritz Carlton. I knew several months ago that this anniversary wasn't going to be anything like those. We simply don't have the funds. But I really didn't want to break the promise either, I mean, we don't even have five kids to find a babysitter for. What's our excuse?

I started looking into some cheap cabins in the north Georgia mountains. I figured we could pull together a couple hundred dollars if we really, really tried so that we could have a nice, relaxing weekend. I was discussing our plans with the girls in my small group when one of them said that her in-laws own a lake house. Well don't you know, those people are extra generous and they let Sam and I stay for free! We were so blessed!

But wait, back up… I haven't told you about our actual anniversary. We went down to Atlanta to eat on our anniversary. This is the first year that we haven't been able to link up the getaway with the actual day, but it still turned out nice. We ate at Ruth's Chris in Buckhead. Every year for Christmas, my step-dad gets us a gift certificate to an Atlanta restaurant. It's a pretty sweet gift. We would never go to these places without that gift card, so it's a really nice treat. We had never been to Ruth's Chris before, so it was a lot of fun.

The food is, of course, delicious. And expensive. Like holy cow expensive… like really, was the cow holy? Because it sure costs enough! But still, very tasty. I'll be honest and say there were a few things I didn't love about the restaurant. Firstly, the cost. It's even more  expensive than out favorite Atlanta steakhouse, Chops, which I didn't think was possible. Secondly, the plates. The plates that the steaks are served on are 500 degrees!!! I get that this is their claim to fame, but seriously, it was like having a weapon on the table. Even knowing they are scorching hot, it's tough to reach around and not brush the plate. Sam bumped his and informed me that yes, they are hot. Can you imagine kids at the table????

Anyway, here's our spread:

top left: Calamari, bottom left: Lobster Mac & Cheese
top right: sizzling plate o' steak, middle right: pommes frites,
bottom right: chocolate mousse cheesecake

Friday morning we packed our bags, kissed Sterling and Everest goodbye, and headed to the lake house. It's a lovely place on a little lake just north of Atlanta. We spent Friday picking up some groceries, taking the paddle boats out, enjoying the hot tub, and going out to dinner! Dinner was great! We found a cute little restaurant in Canton called Downtown Kitchen. It was a great find! Apparently the teenagers think so too (or maybe their moms?) as the Canton homeschool coalition was having prom above us. Haha! So fun! We left and one of the boys was outside smoking (shame on him) in a CAMO VEST with his tux!!! Ahhh! I wish I had been brave enough to snap a picture! Anyway, I digress, the food was delicious, as you can see:

Saturday we were extra lazy. We lounged on the porch in a swing, canoed, interrupted a goose mating dance, lounged in the hot tub, watched Game of Thrones, took the paddle boat out, met a duck, cooked dinner, and watched the Final Four! Yea, the NCAA tournament is always a part of our festivities. Way back when, I made the mistake of scheduling our wedding on the Final Four (my bad, it's not a holiday on the calendar). Which means that there were TV's at my wedding reception, we spent Monday of our honeymoon ordering in pizza, and every year since we've spent either Saturday or Monday holed up inside instead of out on the town. But whatever, it's a fun tradition.

top left to right clockwise: morning porch swing, Fried Chicken,
relaxing in the hammock, our duck friend, Sweet Potato Fries,
hot tub fun, Blackened Shrimp Pasta, cheesy self-photo

So yay for us, we managed to celebrate with some style thanks to some penny pinching, gift cards, and our incredible hosts for the weekend! I'm calling anniversary #3 a success!

Pause

Do you ever feel like your life is paused? Like the screen is frozen in the most awkward moment? You know that if you could just find the dang remote and press play you could get that awful look off your face and relax.

Ugly face moment from NBC's Do No Harm.
Poor guy, I think he's really intelligent, but he looks quite dumb here.

That's how I feel. My life is stuck on pause and I lost the remote (or Sterling ate it). I've realized lately that I've pretty much stopped living. Literally, the only thing that gets me out of the house is church on Sundays and my small group one night a week. There are soooooo many things that I want to do, but for one reason or another, I don't.

Take running for example. Once upon a time, a long, long time ago I trained for the Susan G. Komen Breast Cancer 3-Day. The training sucked a lot. But my mom, the slave driver equivalent to Jillian Michaels had me scared out of my mind. So I trained, and I trained. I was in such good shape by the time the 3-Day actually arrived that the 60(ish) miles in 3 days was actually easier than the first 10 mile training walk. Now, I didn't lose a pound during all of that training, but Sam lost like a gazillion. It was disgusting. So, whenever we get really frustrated with ourselves, we say that we should train for something. Training = motivation. Sam always wants to run. Now, I can't run… like at all. But I figure, I couldn't walk 10 miles at first either. So running sounds ultra hard, but plausible. And then the fear sets in. What if, by some insane miracle, I got pregnant, didn't know it, and went for a run, and well, you know where this is going… What if running caused a miscarriage? I would NEVER get over it. Ever.

The same can be said for Zumba. Zumba looks fun(ish). If I had a partner in crime who was equally uncoordinated and new to Zumba, if we went out and bought new workout attire like Erika recommends, and if we stayed waaaaayyyyy in the back, then Zumba might help get rid of these extra pounds I'm carrying around. But then I think, "what if I bounced my baby loose?". See what goes on inside of this head? It's not fun, I tell you.

Then there is the financial aspect of living. The original plan was to buy a house this year. Sooner rather than later. We figure we got dealt a pretty crappy hand as far as graduating in the middle of a recession, but as far as the housing market goes… it couldn't really be better. We wanted to take advantage now, while a mortgage payment is actually less than rent, rather than miss the boat and watch home ownership sail ten years out of the picture. But that was the plan before we learned that becoming parents was going to cost us BIG bucks. I don't know how to be a home owner and a mom on the same budget. So if I have to choose, well owning a home is possible at 40, while getting this lady pregnant is probably, well, not.

And as far as posterity goes, my plan was to document our life really well with beautiful photos. I've wanted professional photos of us for over a year. I look like a moron 99% of the time in photos, but people like Chris + Allie can make just about anything beautiful. Here's proof:

Engagement photo of Sam and I in Fall of 2009.
All the credit goes to the*Reason for making me look lovely.

See what I mean? I'd love a photo session, but I keep holding out expecting to need maternity photos before too long. Plus, I feel guilty paying for photos of just us.

The pause on life is literally at all levels. When I really thought pregnancy was right around the corner, I wouldn't let myself buy any clothes because obviously I was about to have to buy a whole new wardrobe to fit my baby bump. I've slacked a bit here because everything I'm buying now is larger and therefore more likely to last into a pregnancy, but still the thoughts are there.

Sam and I planned to go on some great vacations. I thought maybe our five year anniversary would be somewhere fabulous like Hawaii or Europe. But we would need to start saving soon to pull off a trip like that sans credit cards. But lets get real, there is at least $15,000 needed before the Hawaii fund gets started, so that will probably never happen.

As far as jobs go, I delayed applying for jobs initially because I didn't want to have to deal with a new employer who wouldn't let me off for an appointment. Plus, I didn't want to have to explain what I was doing or where I was going all the time to a new boss. I figured that there weren't too many employers out there that would be very excited for a new employee who was trying super desperately to get knocked up.

I'm not happy in any way with this pause in my life. I'm so ready to move on, try new things, reach a new status in life. Of course, I'd really like to fast forward a bit, but normal speed would be much better than this stalled out, frozen thing I've got going on. As you may have surmised from the pitiful post from the other night, we are done with medically assisted trying to conceive for a while now. With that HUGE chunk of my life missing, I've got to figure out how to live again. There HAS TO BE joy in the waiting, you know?

Anybody else, fertile or infertile, ever feel like somebody pushed pause on the movie of your life? Did you ever find the remote? Are you still paused or playing away?

Christmas Time Again

So another Christmas has come and gone… eight of them with my husband. Kind of crazy. We're still celebrating just the two of us. Kind of depressing. But we will circle back to that.

We had a lovely Christmas morning this year. Normally we are stressed out of our minds, racing around, and inevitably running late. This year, my mom's family decided the all day marathon event they have had in the past was wearing a little thin. We stayed home and had a lovely brunch with my brother, his girlfriend and their baby at mom's. I received lots of fabulous gifts… we'll focus on two.

My mom is obviously interested in another grand baby. Apparently, she thinks this will help:

Victoria's Secret + Ovulation Pregnancy Kit = BABY

Actually, my mom fully understands that this won't be the secret to success, but it was a super funny gift. She packed the matching bra and panties in the same box with the OPK's… a baby making treasure box. Hilarious. And a fabulous gift too because as I discussed in an early post, my bras don't fit. Plus, I used almost an entire box of OPK's this month… still no positive. UGHHHH! Back to that later.

Gift number two, was from my wonderful husband… a trip to the BILTMORE ESTATE in Asheville, NC. I've been asking to go for years.

Tickets to Biltmore… yay!

I've been missing from the blogging world because, well I've been busy living and loving life with the hubs. We just got back today. We had a wonderful time. The Biltmore was lots of fun. We spent the afternoon walking the grounds, exploring the shops, and imagining what the gardens looked like in bloom. The good news? Sam got an incredible deal so we have two more tickets to go back again this year. We ended up going to the "Candlelight" tour in the evening. I have requested a 7 story ceiling so that I can have a humongo tree. Sam said he'll get right on that. 

We suck at getting pictures of us, so it's just me, freezing my tail off.

After surviving Christmas (holy moly) and the awesome trip I just had with my husband, I'm seriously contemplating a vacation for next Christmas. Christmas was waaayyyy worse this year than last. Last year I had lost my baby, but I was healing. There were two pregnant ladies in the family… I thought it couldn't get much worse. I was wrong. I spent three evenings in a row leading up to Christmas with family and kids. I was holding up fairly well. And then Christmas occurred. I showed up at a Christmas dinner to an explosion of kids… where did they all come from? We went from no one under the age of 10, to seven under 8 in the blink of an eye. I cried on the way home from two Christmas festivities this year… it's not a fun way to celebrate and doesn't feel particularly festive. You may remember that my doctor gave "doctor's orders" to take care of myself, do what I needed to do to survive. If we are still in the same place next year, we may do just that. Christmas alone, but happy seems better than Christmas surrounded by family, but reminded every moment of what's missing. I guess we'll see.

I'm currently having a ca-ra-zy cycle. I mean crazy. I had just decided that my body was working perfectly, and then bam! Worst - cycle - ever. I went in for a mid cycle check on CD 12 and I had a 14mm follicle. They assumed that I would ovulate on my own the Sunday before Christmas, CD 16. Well, it's CD21, and I haven't gotten a positive OPK yet.  Ughhh. But wait, it gets better. Check out the chart…

December 2012 BBT chart

I have a follow-up appointment with the doctor, but I couldn't get in until January 29. By then I'll have started another cycle. Blughhh. I don't know why that matters. I'm not doing treatments. I'm saving for IVF. I guess my head is still set it treatment mode. Got to move on.

Anyway, hope you all had wonderful, cheerful, merry, and bright Christmases! 2012 was good to some of my fellow infertiles. Head over to Lisa, Amanda, Jen, Amanda, Belle, Bree's blogs and tell them congratulations and best wishes that 2013 sees all these babies come home to loving arms. For the rest of us, may 2013 be our year!

Fall and Friends

I am one happy and relaxed lady right about now and it is all thanks to some wonderful, beautiful friends and the gorgeous fall weather we've been having. Cue deep sigh.

Friday started off the weekend with a lovely fall wedding for two of our friends. It was a beautiful day and the bride was stunning! These are precious people who I met years ago when I worked at Athens Church. I loved them then, but I love them even more now. Literally, by the hand of God, we've ended up in what I term the "rockstar community group", and these two are a definite reason for the rockstar quality. Their ceremony was gorgeous and filled with so much love and support! They have a beautiful story of how they "found each other" and fell in love, and it is wonderful to be a part of the next chapter in that story.

The night continued with fun and festivities as we sat with several of our small group members and had time to chat with friends we haven't seen in years. The reception was perfect. The bride danced the night away in a whirlwind of friends and family and she looked beautiful even at the very, very end. Sam and I failed to take any pictures of ourselves as usual, despite the fact that there was the perfect set up. Adorable decoration idea: hang various picture frames from the ceiling over your tables and let the hilarity ensue. The photos I've seen thus far on Facebook have been hilarious and adorable.

Saturday morning came and we realized how old we are. Stinking exhausted after the late night of packing and preparing, but we were so excited to go camping! We went just outside of Brevard, NC to hike. This girl was way unprepared. I believe the 8 weeks of laziness and the additional "I'm depressed weight" didn't help, but man, I got my tail kicked. But it was awesome, and I truly loved every minute. We went with some dear friends that we met in Augusta, Kyle and Lesley Anne Fenton, and their awesome Weim, Doc. Needless to say, there were a lot of laughs on Saturday as the pups frolicked in the leaves. As if it's not hard to tell the two apart, Lesley Anne brought red bandanas and gave one to Sterling. Basically they looked like grey blurs with a flash of red as they streaked by. Keep an eye out at her blog for some additional photos, as I'm sure she will be posting soon.

Here are some lovely photos to document the trip:

PreHike: We're excited!

Everyone blazing ahead.

Lunch break at John's Rock

Looking across the valley at Looking Glass Rock

Post Hike: Sweaty but rejuvenated after lunch

Stop at a photo opp on our way home

Saturday night we had some scrumptious chili and s'mores. I may or may not have had two s'mores before the chili was ready. Yum! Camping with Sterling was a lot more successful than I thought it would be. I was worried that he would wander through the tent and cause destruction, but he slept like a sweetheart. It probably had to do with the 5+ miles we hiked, plus the additional miles he added as he looped us.

We woke up partially rested and sore to have some yummy pancakes and bacon for breakfast. There may or may not have been an additional s'more added after breakfast. I just felt bad for the fire. It looked lonely without my marshmallow in there.

I slept on the ride home, which my sweet husband decided to photograph and post to Facebook. He's such a sweetheart. I'll spare you the photo of sleepy, dirty, smoky Amanda. You're welcome.

I feel AMAZING after that beautiful weekend and truly thankful. I am so often concerned with the things that I don't have, the obvious, and the less talked about. It was wonderful to take some deep breaths this weekend and pause to recognize that I am truly blessed. I have an incredible husband, caring friends, and we are alive to witness another beautiful season that the Lord has given. Thankful.

Two Years to Love

Sam and I made a deal before getting married that we would always take time to spend together despite work, family, kids, etc. We want to always take vacations for just the two of us, weekend getaways, time to reunite and remember why we love each other. One way in which we have chosen to honor this promise is by celebrating our anniversary each year. Last year, you may remember, we splurged big time for our first anniversary and went on a seven day cruise in the Caribbean. This year, we knew we didn't want anything that extravagant, but we still wanted some time for just the two of us. So what to do?

We have been fortunate to receive a fabulous Christmas gift for the last several years: a gift card to Buckhead Life Restaurant Group. We never used our gift card from the previous year, so we decided Atlanta would be a great place to relax and celebrate for a few days since we could eat for free much of the trip. I really wanted to stay at the Ritz Carlton in Atlanta, as we stayed there the night we got married and had a wonderful experience. Our first trip, we didn't arrive until after one in the morning and had to be up and gone by about six if I remember correctly. So they had comped us this big beautiful suite as a room upgrade, along with champagne, rose petals and chocolate covered strawberries that my sweet groom ordered for me. But I was exhausted, and still quite nauseous, so the brief stay was kind of a blur.

At first, it looked like our plan to return to our wedding night was a flop... rates were really, REALLY high. But then I discovered the one (and only) perk of my job... Government Employee rates! Whoo hoo! We got the room for almost 50% off! So we went to Atlanta Monday and scheduled a couples massage at Massage Envy. This was Sam's first massage, and I think he was a tad bit nervous, but it was great. My massage was a little more on the intense, purposeful side rather than the soothing, relaxing side. But still a very nice start to our mini vacation. We left Massage Envy and headed to the hotel to check in.

Our room wasn't a suite this time as we are trying to pinch pennies as much as possible right now. At first I was going to say that a standard room at the Ritz isn't really worth it. It's really just a basic room in the midst of a beautiful hotel. It doesn't have the luxurious bathroom that the suite has (bummer). So I was initially kind of sad and thankful that we had gotten such a great deal! But then the Ritz royal treatment began.... more on that later.

Vacations for Sam and I tend to circle around the food, and this one was no different. We were both really excited to try out some new restaurants in Atlanta. Sam and I headed out to Nava for our first night out. This is a high end Southwestern dining restaurant. They describe themselves as "innovative and flavorful... [with] Latin influences". It was a beautiful night, so we decided to eat out on the patio. The food was amazing, (pictures below) and as I cannot get pregnant for the next eighty six days at least, I even allowed myself a treat: Sam and I split a margarita (I would be toast if I had a whole one).

Before Heading out for Dinner

Mango Pineapple Margarita

Mojo Skirt Steak & Cilantro Garlic Frites

72 Hour Marinated Hangar Steak & Parmesan Fries

Leftover (oops) Banana Caramel Dessert

Now, back to the Ritz experience: We headed back to the hotel because A- Sam and I are boring and wouldn't know what to do in Atlanta after nine o' clock anyway, and B- the NCAA National Championship was on! To my surprise we walked in to this:

The Ritz always comes in to turn down you bed, but this was really unexpected! So beautiful! I made Sam sit in the chair to watch the game until we were ready for bed!

We woke up Tuesday morning headed out for breakfast. Let me tell you, we stumbled upon the CUTEST little place, and they had GREAT prices. West Egg Cafe is adorable, the food was great! The waiters were great and added to the overall experience. Lovely little place. If you're ever in the area, check them out!

Belgian Waffel with Honey Cinnamon Butter

Skillet Potatoes with Cheese, Bacon, and Eggs

After breakfast we went to the Georgia Aquarium. Sam and I had been before, years ago when it first opened. It was over Christmas break and the aquarium was still getting lots of hype... it was slammed. I remember sam offered to put me on his shoulders so I could see the tanks (I declined). This time sadly started off down the same road. I wasn't thinking when I planned the aquarium that 90% of Georgia schools would be out for Spring break... we arrived to a huge line! I really, REALLY wanted to see the Dolphin Tales. However, it was booked for the first showtime, and we didn't have enough time to stay until the next. So though I was bummed, there was a blessing in disguise: it appeared that everyone else there did manage to get tickets to the show. Once the show started, the place cleared out. We were able to see the whole aquarium at our own pace and get right up to the glass. My favorite exhibit is still the otters. They are too stinking cute!

After the Aquarium, we went to Atlantic Station to spend the afternoon. We went back to the Bodies exhibit. I'm so sad that we never made it to Dialog in the Dark, which left just a few short weeks ago. But the Bodies Exhibit is always cool. The best part. I have no need for an audio tour... the hubs knows just about everything I could ever want to know! The coolest thing is always the circulatory room. It is simply mind boggling to see human veins and arteries alone, just floating in a box. My favorite room was surprisingly the reproductive room (more on this later). Ultimately, we had a great time exploring the exhibit, pretty much by ourselves. Sweet!

After Bodies, we were hungry so we walked over to CPK for a quick bite to eat before going to a movie. Sam had purchased a set of Regal movie tickets through Deals Plus a while ago, and we had yet to use them. We ended up seeing 21 Jump Street. This movie was fairly raunchy, and quite dumb as I think all of Jonah Hill's movies are, but it was admittedly funny. Despite myself, I did laugh quite a bit. I also learned something: movie etiquette in Atlanta requires that you NOT observe the quiet rule. Instead you are to comment on everything and talk to your friends as well as the movie characters throughout the entire movie. But still, we had a good time.

After the movie, we wandered around Atlantic Station as we sipped on some iced Starbucks to cool off! After we had browsed our way around, we went back to the hotel to get changed for dinner. That night we headed to the Atlanta Fish Market. This casual seafood restaurant has tons of options... the menu is dizzying. Sam and I stuffed ourselves full.

Calamari

Flash Fried Lobster Tail

Strawberry Margarita

Blackened Swordfish

Broiled Mahi- Mahi

Happy 2nd Anniversary!

After dinner we went back to the room to toast our anniversary with a complimentary bottle of champagne. I'll admit, we smiled, sipped, and poured the rest out. I was hoping I would have acquired a taste for it since the last attempt, but alas, this bubbly drink is still repulsive to me! Regardless, it was a very sweet gift from the hotel staff.

Wednesday morning we went out for breakfast at another Buckhead Life place: the Corner Cafe. This place was definitely yummy, but kind of a letdown. The food was delicious and the portions were huge, but it was surprisingly pricey. I don't usually pay this much for dinner when we go out to eat, let alone breakfast. Glad it was on a gift card!

Pancakes, Sausage & Cheese Grits

White Chocolate French Toast

After breakfast, we went to Solomon Brothers to get our rings cleaned... sparkly! And then we went to Lenox mall to shop around. We made one fabulous purchase... A- it was free! B- I've been looking for this for a long time.

We got the medium size lantern (for free) and my plan is to find a simple vase to showcase the sugar flowers from our wedding cake. I'll post a picture of the final later.

To cap off our time in Atlanta, we went to the Cheesecake factory. Sam's groom's cake was an assortment of cheesecakes at our wedding, so in honor of anniversary number two, we decided to share a slice. We didn't have time to eat there, as we had to get back to rescue our demon dog before an additional day of boarding fees were charged. But mmmm, Fresh Banana Cream Cheesecake is scrumptious!

And that's it ladies and gentleman, that is how Sam and I celebrated our second anniversary.

Now let me take a brief moment to tell of all the many blessings we received this past year in our marriage. Sam finished his first year of PT school (such a relief) and successfully passed his first clinical. Sam has also done WONDERFULLY in his second year of PT school, making excellent grades each semester. Sam had the opportunity to travel to Haiti for his first mission trip. Family and friends were so generous and Sam had an amazing time. It was an eye opening experience for him and the Lord really spoke to him during his time there. As for me, this year has been incredibly tough for me. We literally spent eleven of the past twelve months trying to conceive our first child. I lost our first baby, and I have begun to deal with the diagnosis of infertility. But through all of this I have been reminded again and again, that my husband is such an incredible man. He has been my blessing this year. It is not every lady who has a man who will simply hold her while she cries, make her smile or laugh when the tears have faded, listen to countless hours of hypothesizing and questioning the meaning of it all. No, not every man can quietly, stoically deal with a wife dangling from the edge of depression, but Sam has, and he has kept me sane through this overwhelming journey. I have truly been blessed in this marriage with an amazing, amazing partner to walk this journey with.