So, Why Adoption...Again?

Once upon a time, we made a plan. Sam and I said we'd adopt and then we'd return to Jacksonville, Florida for our remaining embryos. And yet, here we are, right smack in the middle of an international adoption. I'll be honest, I feel that tension. The reality of embryos sitting in a freezer in Florida with my name on them is a heavy burden...most days, that's exactly how it feels. But let me back up.

Adopting Garrison was quite possibly the single greatest, most defining event in my life. I feel like an entirely different person now. It feels accurate to divide my life in two, BG (before Garrison) and AG (after Garrison). Now part of that is certainly simply taking on the role of mother. That in and of itself changes every woman whether she expects it and welcomes it or not. Something simply shifts when you become a mom. But for me, it goes far beyond that. Adopting rocked my world on every level. It often feels as if it quite literally shattered my heart. For me, adoption was no longer about family building, instead it became about orphan care. I thought I cared about the orphan before, but now I think about the orphans on a daily basis and my heart breaks for the fatherless.

Another thing that changed for me after adopting was my desire to get pregnant and give birth. Some women adopt and still long for the experience of pregnancy and birth...it doesn't diminish their love for their children who were adopted, but it remains a desire for them. Others no longer carry that dream after adopting. I was 100% sure I'd be in the former camp. There was absolutely no way my desire to carry a child and give birth could ever go away...the desire was just too strong. And then a funny thing happen. I woke up one day and realized it was 100% gone. I say that and I think people thing I'm joking or just trying to be positive. Nope. Dead serious. In fact, I'd prefer NOT to ever get pregnant. For real. The only desire that remains for me is for healing. I still desire the answer to my prayers. I still desire for the Lord to reach down and heal me, not because I want to be pregnant or have a biological child, but because I'd love for that to be a part of my story. Does that make sense? Honestly, what I'd really love is to wake up one day with the knowledge that God had healed me and then I'd never test Him on it. "Cool. Thanks. I appreciate that. Now I'd like to not get pregnant, mmm-kay? Thanks." that's how I imagine our conversation would go.

And that my friends is a really interesting place to sit with four embryos in the freezer. In fact, it's a kind of yucky place to sit. I have these embryos that I feel responsible for, and yet, I don't really want to transfer them at this point. Yuck, right? I told you, it's not a good place to sit. We personally don't believe in discarding them or donating them to research and they are far, far too poor of quality to donate. The reality is that the odds are high that I will not get pregnant from the embryos. We know that and the doctors have agreed. We went down and spoke with the doctors at FIRM almost two years ago and they confirmed that the odds were low. Not non-existent, but low...I tend to lower the percentages of any Reproductive Endocrinologist a good twenty percent, so we're talking seriously low. So why won't I just transfer them and be done with it? Well, because it feels pretty gross to think about taking meds and stepping back on to the roller coaster all to hope that it doesn't  work. Ewww. It's not the same as just hoping the pregnancy test will be negative after unprotected sex, at least, it's not the same to me. It's hoping that the embryos don't survive. Ughh. That's tough. And until I can get my head in a place where I am open and receptive to a pregnancy, I don't feel good about opening that door again. Until I can say that I'm at least open to the idea of a pregnancy, I don't want to step anywhere near the roller coaster that is infertility treatments, let alone strap myself in.

So that's one part of it; I don't really want to be pregnant. The other part is that I desperately want to adopt again. Adoption is absolutely, without a doubt NOT the only way that we can care for orphans. In fact, I feel so very strongly that orphan care does not, cannot begin with adoption. Orphan care starts with orphan prevention. But, with that being said, I do believe in adoption. I believe that "God sets the lonely in families." I believe that believers are called to care for the orphan. And while I do not believe that it is the responsibility of the infertile couple to step torward for adoption, I do believe that infertility is a part of my story so that I would be directed towards the path of orphan care.

Over the last several years, I've followed several adoptive mamas on Instagram and as I thought and prayed and researched, I felt a strong desire to adopt from China, specifically from the waiting child list. We are overjoyed at the prospect of adopting a child with special needs into our home and we are thrilled to bring a child from China into our home and call them son or daughter. Truly, this is our plan A at this point and we could not be more excited for this opportunity!

With that said, we do still plan to return to Jacksonville following this adoption. I don't know what that looks like or how I can move from where I am today to a place of desiring a pregnancy without falling back into the crazy. I'm not sure exactly what steps I need to take to get my head on straight in terms of infertility treatments, pregnancy, biological children...all of that, but I know that I'm willing to take the steps to be ready and I know that we are committed to seeing that our embryos have the chance we promised them over three years ago. For now, we wait and pray that the Lord will bring us to and through the Chinese adoption experience. We are excited for the days, week, months, and even years ahead.

The Nitty Gritty Details

Thank you all for sharing in our joy. We are so excited about our newest adoption journey. It has already proven to be one heck of a ride, but that just makes the story that much sweeter. We're fielding lots of great questions post announcement. The most common are "When will you travel to China?" and "Are you raising money?"

To the first...let's table that, shall we? The easiest answer is that we don't know. I hope to provide a bit more insight into that and into our process soon. As to the second, to each and every person who has asked, I could seriously hug your neck. Gosh, we're grateful! Fundraising is a super humbling experience. It's a little bit embarrassing and way outside of my comfort zone to ask for help, let along help in the form of financial gifts. But as I've spent more time in the adoption world, I've seen that for so many, it is a joy to give to so that orphans may be called sons and daughters. We are so thankful that the gift of money connects us all and that we can all take part in adoption in different ways.

The short answer is yes! Absolutely, we will be fundraising! The estimated cost for an adoption through Lifeline Children's Services (our agency) for China at this time is just shy of $35,000. That doesn't include a few additional costs that we've already had (hello psych evaluation, I'm looking at you!). My guess is that we'll land closer to $37,000 once all is said and done. I know that number can be staggering, but I hope it's also viewed in perspective. Many, if not most, domestic infant adoptions end up costing close to, if not more (or A LOT more) than that and this number includes our travel costs to China. While it is a daunting figure, let's keep in mind that there are many, many, many things being paid for. SO many people have a role to play in this process. When I think about the sheer number of people I'm in contact with at our agency, the number suddenly seems pretty understandable.

We are currently working to get our fundraising set up with Lifesong for Orphans, a nonprofit ministry that helps adoptive families with the finances for adoption. If approved, we'll have a way for people to quickly and easily donate tax free. We're estimating that this will be available sometime in September, but until then, we're paying for everything out of our adoption account. "You have an adoption account?" you may ask. Yep. Ever since we started saving for Garrison's adoption we've had a separate savings account for adoption. We left it open when we completed Garrison's adoption. Adoptive parents can file for a tax credit after completing an adoption. At the time of Garrison's adoption, the tax credit was for $13,400. We received the full tax credit over two years. We carefully put every penny of that money directly into the savings account. At the time we started this adoption, the adoption tax credit, plus the money we saved and added to it gave us a total of just over $17,000.

It's a long way to go, for sure, but friends, I'm so confident. The Lord was so, so good to us in our adoption of Garrison. Our friends, family, and people I've never met gave so generously. I 100% know that this is a doable thing. We can earn, save, and raise another $20,000. We absolutely can! I will certainly update once we have a giving option set up. In the mean time, we're taking Dave Ramsey's advice to sell so much stuff, the kids think they're next. :)

You may also have heard or seen that I took an odd leap of faith (for me) and decided to become an Ambassador for Noonday Collection. Noonday Collection has long been my go-to for jewelry and my favorite place to shop with a purpose as they are a fair-trade company. In May, I decided to become an Ambassador to help fund our adoption...but I wasn't ready to tell you that then. :) 100% of the profit I earn as an Ambassador of Noonday is going directly into our adoption account...seriously, it's direct deposit. So as we approach the holidays please consider shopping for your sister, mother, friend, or best of all, for yourself by shopping Noonday with me as your Ambassador. Not only will you be supporting Operation Baby Greavu #2, but you're also helping support vulnerable communities by providing a marketplace for them. Noonday works with  businesses through fair trade, empowering them to grow sustainably and to create dignified jobs for people who need them. And if you're local, let's do a trunk show! I earn money for our adoption and you earn FREE jewelry! That's a win!

As usual, I'm blogging less than I intended. By the time I get all of the posts that are planned in my head together, I'll likely be in China...for real. Thanks for all of your encouragement to keep blogging even when the days turn to weeks and, ahem, months between posts. I love this space. My life just calls me away. Until next time, much love.