A Season of Waiting

And so this is Christmas... or at least Christmas Eve. Another year over. Another year of waiting. This year, I can't help but connect Christmas and this entire season with IVF and Jacksonville, Florida. This time last year, we were preparing to travel the day after Christmas. My mind was almost entirely swallowed up with preparation for the trip: checking medications, then checking them again. Packing and repacking the suitcase. Honestly, Christmas was basically just a day standing between me and IVF. This year feels incredibly different. Instead of the rush and stress of preparing for IVF, I've got plenty of time to think and contemplate. Absolutely nothing is happening in the adoption world. In fact, just about everyone we're working with has said that typically birth mothers don't contact them during the holidays, so don't expect anything before the new year other than a rare "stork drop." So yeah, lots and lots of time to muse.

All of this free time as we approach Christmas has led me to see so many connections between Advent and my own season of waiting. I think many of us do that. We find some sort of comfort in the season of Advent because it feels good to know you're not alone, that others have waited (and waited, and waited) too.  I love the way Louie Giglio explains it in his new devotional specifically for this season, Waiting Here for You:

"But Jesus didn't arrive without a wait. While you and I simply turn the page, moving effortlessly from the end of the Old Testament promises to the opening of Matthew's Gospel, it wasn't quite that easy. Four hundred years of silence spanned the gap between the final prophecies spoken in Malachi (the last Old Testament book) and the birth of Christ."

I love that. And gosh, what a good reminder that we're so used to just flipping the page to reach the end of the story, but the truth is there was a lot of waiting in the middle. I can really resonate with the idea of waiting and sitting in silence. I can only imagine what the Israelites must have felt... waiting on all of these promises. All of their prophets dead and gone. This God was the God of their grandfathers... was He still their God? All too often, I can identify with the Israelites, particularly with their weaknesses. I'll be the first to admit that I would have been one of those quietly, internally asking, begging God to show up, to prove himself, to not allow another generation to die while waiting. Because that's the truth of the story... God's people died while waiting for Him to fulfill his promises. It's kind of a theme in the Old Testament... Moses, the guy who led the Lord's people out of slavery died before reaching the promised land. It was Joshua who completed the task and brought God's promise to fulfillment. Waiting is most certainly a continuous theme throughout the Bible. And this season of Advent is all about waiting, often in silence.

I think the interesting thing to note, is that there was no lead up to the birth of Christ. I mean other than a star and some angels it just happened. The whole nation wasn't awaiting a specific date and time. It was just another day, a day with a promise that might not come to pass for another 400 years. It was a day like any other. The fulfillment of the promise didn't come with lights and sirens and announcements that IT WILL HAPPEN ON THIS DAY. The month before everything changed, the people just thought it was any ol' month. Just another day, you know? Somehow that's encouraging. Last year there was just so much hope for me. IVF was supposed to be the answer to two years of infertility treatments, to months and months of saving. It was supposed to be the key to my October Baby. There was just so much hope and anticipation at this time last year. But this year, we're not matched, we're not funded we're just waiting. We certainly hope that 2015 will be the year we meet Baby Greavu, but there is less hope and certainly less urgency now than this time last year. So it's nice to remember that Bethlehem wasn't ablaze in light. There were no parties. No fanfare. The song is called "Silent Night" not, "Tumultuous, Exuberant, Expected Night." No one was waiting for the arrival of Mary and Joseph. And yet they came. Despite the lack of attention, despite the lack of rising action leading to the climax of the story, the promise was fulfilled. There is comfort in recognizing that though it feels like nothing is happening right now, we could be a few months or even weeks away from the climax of our own story. Just because we can't see it, just because we're not aware of it, the moment we're all waiting for could be just around the corner.

I know that Christmas, and really just the holidays in general, can be hard for so many. I'm certainly one who can identify with melancholy feelings each Christmas... we just want the day to be SO BIG and perfect with the family in matching PJs, and perpetually hot cups of cocoa, and snow falling, and crackling fires, and carolers strolling the neighborhood, and peace and rest and happiness... the day can often never live up to our expectations. The holidays are also hard for so many who are missing a loved one, mourning the passing of a mom or husband or child... days and seasons like this often bring the hard stuff to the surface. For me, this is the fourth Christmas of wishing for a bump or a baby. It's hard. Any infertile couple will tell you that the holidays just make it that much harder. So much of every holiday centers around children, and often our most favorite holiday memories are from when we were a child. The holidays just have a way of bringing forth the sadness and longing that we all feel. But I hope we can all extend ourselves and one another a little bit of grace. The season can be hard, but take heart. We are not the first to wait and long for tomorrow. And your day may be just around the corner and you'll look back thinking "if only I'd known what was coming."

Peace and Blessings, friends. Merry Christmas to all of my sweet friends who find their homes filled for the first time with their heart's greatest desire this year. And for those of you longing, hurting, hoping, I'm abiding with you as always. May the conclusion to your season of waiting be just around the corner. Merry Christmas, sweet friends.

The Holidays are Here Again

It's November. I think people say this every year, and it's proably a sign of age, but really, this year has gone by SO fast. In a lot of ways last November feels like only a few weeks ago. Sometimes I have to remind myself that we actually already did IVF; I somehow forget we're not waiting for it to finally get her. I know we've done a lot this year: IVF in January, FET in March, bought a house in May, started the adoption process in September... maybe that's why this year has gone by particularly fast. I don't know why exactly, but waking up on Saturday, November 1st was depressing. I'm not ready for another holiday season.

For a lot of infertile couples, Halloween is hard. There are SO many pictures of cute kids all over Facebook and Instagram. The commercials on TV are all about candy, costumes, and fun family stuff. And then the actual day of Halloween arrives and you have to smile while handing out candy to everyone else's kid. For one reason or another Halloween never really gets me down though, and this year was no different. I'm not sure if that's because Halloween was the least celebrated holiday in my family growing up. Or maybe because I don't hand out candy but rather opt to hide in the house with a frantic dog with a bucket of candy on the porch. Or maybe it's because everyone kept posting these hilarious photos of their kids having meltdowns in their costumes. But for whatever reason, I wasn't sad, or weepy, or whiny on Friday. Well, except for the fact that it was 60 degrees in my house... wahhhhh! Sam and I quietly worked on our puzzle for the adoption fundraiser while singing loudly every time we heard kids in our pathetic attempt to distract Sterling. It was a pleasant (cold) evening and I was fine.

Saturday morning however, I looked at my phone and saw the date. How is it November, already? And then I was suddenly sad. It's the holiday season again, and once again we will celebrate sans children. That pretty much feels like a sucker punch straight to the gut. Especially in light of the fact that even with infertility factored into the equation, I should have a two and a half year old and a new baby to celebrate the holidays with. I can honestly say I'm looking forward to the holidays the least amount I ever have before, and for someone who LOVES Christmas, that's quite a change.

Even though I swore I'd never do Christmas with all of the family again after Christmas 2012, we powered through last year because: IVF, and hope, and all those warm feelings made me semi numb to the holiday season. In November we were frantically dotting the Is and crossing the Ts for our trip to Jacksonville. In December, I was packing and double checking all of my medications and worrying about keeping everything at the optimal temperature. There was just a lot of stuff to take my mind off of all the holiday stuff. This year however, I'm expecting that we'll enter the waiting period right around the Thanksgiving holidays. The home study will be over, the profile books will be ordered (and hopefully mailed)... we'll just be waiting. And waiting. And waiting.

I honestly don't know if I have it in me to do this again. To smile. To laugh. To sit quietly while 20 kids run though the house. To pretend I'm not in pain. There is a huge part of me that simply wants to run away for the holidays. I want to find some cabin in the woods and settle in with my husband and enjoy the holiday the only way I know how (alone). Or as it appears we've already skipped Fall in Georgia and gone straight to winter, maybe a nice tropical vacation. I hear Jamaica is nice this time of year. But let's get real, that's not going to happen. We're saving for a freaking adoption, not long weekends in the mountains or island vacations. The only free holiday is at my mom's, so that's where we'll be. It's time to man up, put on the big girl panties, and find things that I still enjoy about the holidays. Now is not forever... I just need to keep reminding myself over and over and over again.

Merry Christmas to Me

This is going to be brief you guys... I'm exhausted. We literally just got into our hotel room. After three attempts to enter three different rooms, it has been determined that the key card system at the hotel has malfunctioned... only the master key card works. Thank God, that it does or I'd be asleep in the hallway of the StayBridge Suites in Jacksonville... I'm that tired.

Christmas came and went in a flurry as usual. My mom has a big family. Her mother is still living along with four siblings all of whom have children and three of the five siblings have grandchildren now. There were about 30 people in her house last night. My introverted self was exhausted just from that, but add in all the cooking, cleaning, and decorating, well, I'm just not sure how my mom does it. But it was beautiful! And yummy, except, I wouldn't know about that!

We started off Christmas morning at my mom's with just my mom, stepdad, Sam, and I. Sam and I received some lovely gifts from everyone! Most notable were:

Despicable Me 2: first up on the list of movies to watch in Jville

A new nutcracker to add to my collection

You can see that Everest was chilling out Christmas morning as well. What you can't see is that she went CRAZY over a little furry hedgehog thing with catnip inside. Love that little girl. You can also see that I added some awesome infinity scarves to my pajama attire... lovely.

Happy Christmas family-sans Boo Boo

Unfortunately we didn't get the full family. It's hard enough to get a good photo with Sterling, add in Everest and her tendency for red eyes, and well, our family photos usually fail. Just imagine a sweet little fluff ball, okay? And just to prove that we clean up, here's one of us in front of mom's (ah-mazing) tree!

Nine Christmases with this handsome man!

And last but not least, let us not forget the best gift of all:

IVF meds

That's right people, it's almost time. I'm fairly certain this is the most expensive gift to ever grace my home the week of Christmas... so Merry Christmas to me. I'll be back tomorrow with an update after our appointments and when my brain is slightly less frazzled from a 7.5 hour drive.

The Thrill of Hope

The holidays are hard for so many people. They remind you of a difficult childhood, of a broken marriage, or a child gone astray. Christmas somehow so poignantly reminds us of what we don't have, or what we've lost, of what we're missing. It's strange, isn't it? That's certainly not the purpose of Christmas, and yet it happens every year.

For infertile women, Christmas can be incredibly difficult. Christmas seems to be wrapped and twisted and tied up around children, which is wonderful, and beautiful, and so special if you have them. It's when you don't have children, and yet it is your greatest desire to do so, that Christmas morphs into this great big mirror reflecting back to you what you don't have. It's kind of like in Harry Potter with that mirror, the Mirror of Erised... Harry, who has never seen his mother and father together, who has never felt their warm embrace, who has never seen them smile at him, sees his family together again. The Mirror shows him the single, deepest desire of his heart. For an infertile woman, Christmas acts as that mirror. All around us, the families are making memories and starting traditions. Children anticipate Santa, they make reindeer food, bake Santa cookies, read Twas the Night before Christmas; they decorate a birthday cake for Jesus, count down the days, and awake each morning to see where a (creepy) little elf has gone. These are all things that we have wanted to do with our own children for so long, and yet we simply watch other families enjoy these times together. For some, the image is more real for they came so close to the dream. Christmas becomes a marker of "my baby would have been 9 months, or my baby would have been 3 years".

For me, this could have been our second Christmas with our son or daughter... we could have had a nineteen month old child to celebrate with this year. I look at Christmas and I clearly see what could have been. My loss was years ago, and yet at Christmas it is somehow more new, more raw, more apparent than at other times of the year. I can't help but think of my friends who will experience their first Christmas after a loss, be that a miscarriage, a still birth, or a failed adoption. In every situation there was hope that THIS Christmas would be different, but instead it is more of the same with a lot more pain.

And yet despite all the sadness and the pain, for some reason, Christmas also gives us renewed hope. I'm not sure if that has to do with the closing of another year and the hope of the next... kind of a "2013 wasn't what we hoped, but 2014 might be" kind of thing. Or maybe it has more to do with the Christmas story. The birth of Jesus was the fulfillment of a promise made hundreds of years before... maybe it is the idea of fulfilled promises that renews our hope. But hope is hard, oh so hard. It's dangerous. It leaves us vulnerable. It opens us up to new wounds and lays bear our old scars. It is so very difficult to keep hoping year after year. In fact, we often look foolish for hoping for so long. "The thrill of hope"... ironic really. I don't think the Hebrew people would have described waiting as a "thrill". No, it wasn't until the promise was fulfilled that it became a thrill, not until "the weary world" rejoiced that this hope became something to sing about.

For those of you who have been blessed with the gift of a child, snuggle them extra close tonight. I know they're driving you bonkers with the Santa tracker and the carrots for Rudolph. I know that you'll be up at an unholy hour in the morning after putting together some crazy toy with 8,000 parts into the wee hours of the night. But these are the days that memories are made, so make them good.

And for those of you still waiting, still hurting, still praying, I am hoping for you. I am so incredibly hopeful for so many of you that your time is coming. May there be babies and bumps galore this time next year! Abiding with you, my friends!

Merry Christmas to you all!

Christmas Time Again

So another Christmas has come and gone… eight of them with my husband. Kind of crazy. We're still celebrating just the two of us. Kind of depressing. But we will circle back to that.

We had a lovely Christmas morning this year. Normally we are stressed out of our minds, racing around, and inevitably running late. This year, my mom's family decided the all day marathon event they have had in the past was wearing a little thin. We stayed home and had a lovely brunch with my brother, his girlfriend and their baby at mom's. I received lots of fabulous gifts… we'll focus on two.

My mom is obviously interested in another grand baby. Apparently, she thinks this will help:

Victoria's Secret + Ovulation Pregnancy Kit = BABY

Actually, my mom fully understands that this won't be the secret to success, but it was a super funny gift. She packed the matching bra and panties in the same box with the OPK's… a baby making treasure box. Hilarious. And a fabulous gift too because as I discussed in an early post, my bras don't fit. Plus, I used almost an entire box of OPK's this month… still no positive. UGHHHH! Back to that later.

Gift number two, was from my wonderful husband… a trip to the BILTMORE ESTATE in Asheville, NC. I've been asking to go for years.

Tickets to Biltmore… yay!

I've been missing from the blogging world because, well I've been busy living and loving life with the hubs. We just got back today. We had a wonderful time. The Biltmore was lots of fun. We spent the afternoon walking the grounds, exploring the shops, and imagining what the gardens looked like in bloom. The good news? Sam got an incredible deal so we have two more tickets to go back again this year. We ended up going to the "Candlelight" tour in the evening. I have requested a 7 story ceiling so that I can have a humongo tree. Sam said he'll get right on that. 

We suck at getting pictures of us, so it's just me, freezing my tail off.

After surviving Christmas (holy moly) and the awesome trip I just had with my husband, I'm seriously contemplating a vacation for next Christmas. Christmas was waaayyyy worse this year than last. Last year I had lost my baby, but I was healing. There were two pregnant ladies in the family… I thought it couldn't get much worse. I was wrong. I spent three evenings in a row leading up to Christmas with family and kids. I was holding up fairly well. And then Christmas occurred. I showed up at a Christmas dinner to an explosion of kids… where did they all come from? We went from no one under the age of 10, to seven under 8 in the blink of an eye. I cried on the way home from two Christmas festivities this year… it's not a fun way to celebrate and doesn't feel particularly festive. You may remember that my doctor gave "doctor's orders" to take care of myself, do what I needed to do to survive. If we are still in the same place next year, we may do just that. Christmas alone, but happy seems better than Christmas surrounded by family, but reminded every moment of what's missing. I guess we'll see.

I'm currently having a ca-ra-zy cycle. I mean crazy. I had just decided that my body was working perfectly, and then bam! Worst - cycle - ever. I went in for a mid cycle check on CD 12 and I had a 14mm follicle. They assumed that I would ovulate on my own the Sunday before Christmas, CD 16. Well, it's CD21, and I haven't gotten a positive OPK yet.  Ughhh. But wait, it gets better. Check out the chart…

December 2012 BBT chart

I have a follow-up appointment with the doctor, but I couldn't get in until January 29. By then I'll have started another cycle. Blughhh. I don't know why that matters. I'm not doing treatments. I'm saving for IVF. I guess my head is still set it treatment mode. Got to move on.

Anyway, hope you all had wonderful, cheerful, merry, and bright Christmases! 2012 was good to some of my fellow infertiles. Head over to Lisa, Amanda, Jen, Amanda, Belle, Bree's blogs and tell them congratulations and best wishes that 2013 sees all these babies come home to loving arms. For the rest of us, may 2013 be our year!

Infertile for the Holidays

My new doctor sent me home with a flyer the last time I was in on getting through the holidays if you're struggling with infertility. I thought it had some great advice, so I thought I'd share:

How to Survive the Holidays

For many individuals and couples who are experiencing infertility, December can be a cruel reminder of what they are missing. There is an enormous focus on children and babies, and many people mark each holiday season by the number of years they have not had children. Even the normal asylum of a church may not feel protective this time of year, with the focus on the miracle of conception and birth. 

Although some can get into the spirit of the season despite infertility, most cannot. Thus, if you find this time of year tough to cope with, it is crucial to practice the practical skill set of self-preservation. 

You can now officially consider yourself under doctor's order to care for yourself this holiday season. This means...

• Avoiding the mall and toy stores. If there are any children you need to buy for, either order things by catalog or on the internet, and have them wrapped and directly shipped. Do not put yourself in the position of buying and wrapping toys. If you absolutely feel you need to buy things yourself, go to the bookstore and buy books which were your favorite as a child.

• Avoid going to church at your normal times. Christmas Eve midnight mass tends to have very few small children, but other services can be overwhelming.

• If there are holiday parties where you know or suspect there will be children or babies and you don't want to go, be aware that those moms won't want you there since you have a stomach bug (or sore throat or a touch of the flu).

• If your siblings have children and family gatherings are uncomfortable for you, plan to arrive late and/or leave early. 

• Think of traditions that you and your partner can create together for the holidays.

• Consider doing something totally different - some couples decide to go away to couples-only resorts where you can focus on each other.

• Whatever you decide to do this holiday season, try not to focus on what people expect of you or what you think you should be doing. Try to have empathy for what you are going through and care for yourself the best way you know how.

Some of these are a little far fetched for me. At this point, thankfully, I am completely capable of wrapping a toy for my nephew. But Sam and I did manage to skip the toy aisles all together this year, so it was nice not to feel like we have to go "kid shopping". I also love the idea of making traditions for you and your spouse now. I don't know about you, but a huge part of my sadness comes from the idea that I'm missing something. Since the first Christmas we were married, I started making plans for things we would do as a family once we had children. Each Christmas marks another year that we can't do those things, and so I'm sad. It would be nice to make some memories that are "us" focused in the mean time. 

We don't really adhere to these too much. I would feel too "selfish" if I skipped Christmas or left early just because our nieces and nephews were there. And honestly, I want to see them. I love them. I don't want to miss out on their childhoods just because I'm dealing with sadness. But I think the general idea here is to take care of yourself. Do what you need to do to survive and leave this holiday season with as few scars as possible.

For instance, Sam saved me today. Our church had a Family Christmas Celebration today. I was totally prepared for children to be present in the service. What I wasn't prepared for was a child focused service. Sam is on the parking team and when he caught part of the service, he immediately realized that this is "not for us". When I got finished keeping the kids, I met up with him and he explained that the service doesn't just include children, it is predominantly for children. For families with children. I decided that this wasn't the best atmosphere to put myself in two days out from Christmas, so we headed home. 

To my infertile friends, take care of yourselves this Christmas. Behave with grace and tact, but don't be ashamed to hurt some feelings or frustrate your friends and family. Let's all get through this holiday with our hearts intact so we can move on with the next year... it's going to be good ladies! I have faith! Hang in there and Merry Christmas!

Deck the Halls

This year we are living with my mom for Christmas which means hard labor in the kitchen every day. She loves to bake. I hate it. But I enjoy spending time with my mom and continuing Christmas traditions from years ago. This is the first Christmas since getting married that we've been home longer then 4 days… nice. It also means that there were twice as many Christmas decorations to choose from. I stretched mom a bit out of her comfort zone and convinced her to use some of my ornaments. Mom's a pretty traditional gal; she likes RED and GOLD. That's about it. Sam and I aren't gold people so we snagged a ton of shatterproof (Sterling Proof) red, green and silver ornaments our first Christamas. It took some convincing. I don't think mom was too keen on silver or green on her tree, but I think it's the best year in a while.

Enjoy:

We'll start with the formal living room. Mom's a collector. She's collected Dept 56 Dicken's Village and Snow Village for years. More recently she got into Mark Robert's Christmas Fairies. Sam HATES the fairies, so you'll never see them at our house. The fairies are normally on the tree, but we went crazy this year and changed things up. I think the less frou-frou tree allowed her to let her hair down… we got rid of of all the ribbon and puffy bows. I like a good ornate Christmas as much as anyone, but sometimes it's fun to see what else you can do.

Living Room Mantle:
Mark Roberts Fairies and Pottery Barn Stockings

Mom liked ours so much, she caved and bought new ones

Don't worry, Sterling and Boo Boo are still represented,
Mom didn't like them on the mantle, but I'll sneak them in

Fairies in all the little hidey holes

Detailes of my favorites

Dept 56 Snow Village

Mom's Snow Baby Collection

New banister decorations

Detail of the giant ornaments on the banister

View from the foyer into living room

the Tree

details of my favorite ornaments

my Lenox Princess Kitty ornament: for Everest

My favorite, favorite

Presents didn't fit under the tree this year: hostile takeover

view from the staircase

you can't see it in the pictures, so I wanted to show
 the tree skirt I SLAVED over… Oh, Pinterest!

In the dining room, we usually have Christmas dinner, but Christmas is at my aunt's this year. We still put out Mom's Dept 56 Dickens Village. I contributed my piece as well. : )

the whole village

details of Dicken's Village

The keeping room is a little less formal and more my style… possibly because it's all mine! On full display in all of their glory is my Nutcracker collection. I have too many to fit on the mantle, so they are spread around the room as well.

Keeping room mantle

Details of the mantle

My favorite- the skier

Mom's Cinnamon Stick tree

In addition to the Nutcrackers, I also contributed some FABULOUS dishes. I've had my eye on Pottery Barn's Reindeer dishes for years. Last year after Christmas, we snagged the dinner plates for more than fifty percent off. Yes, sir! We had my brother, his girlfriend, and my niece Alexis over for dinner, so I broke out my dishes for the first time. Ta da!

So that's it… Christmas at my mom's is a little bit more impressive than the traditional Greavu affair, but it's been fun to decorate this year with my mom again! If you've made it this far, Merry Christmas! Wishing you and yours a special holiday season. And may all of us who are yearning, find baby dust in the new year!

the Gifter on a Budget

I'm sure most everybody has heard of Love Languages by now, but if not, it's a great thing to know about yourself and your spouse. I am a gifter. I know, I know, it's like the worst language to have. It means you're superficial, high maintenance, needy, and that you enjoy things way too much. The good news for me is that I have a very close second love language: physical touch, and that my friends is FREE!!!

Another good thing about me is that gifting is most certainly the way I tell someone they are loved, but it isn't the only thing that works for me (remember, physical touch), so I'm not completely impossible to live with. But I sure do like random gifts like surprise flowers, or even cheap stuff. When Sam and I were dating (early on in the "please like me" stage) he'd show up with a half gallon of Blue Bell ice cream if I was having a bad day. Winner! As you can imagine, birthdays, celebratory milestones, and Christmas are BIG DEALS for me. Sam kind of hates it because I momentarily lose my mind at Christmas and spend 6 months worth of budget (mild exaggeration) in a mere 2 weeks (not an exaggeration.). 

I set the bar pretty high early on in our relationship. Way back in 2007 (Christmas #3), I got Sam the iPhone. Remember in 2007 the iPhone didn't come with any discounts… you couldn't buy an iPhone for a penny, it was full price baby. Awesome gift if I do say so myself. In 2009 (Christmas #5), we were engaged and 4 months away from the Big Day. I bought Sam a 40" TV (at an amazing price). All of this is to say, that when I get an AWESOME idea, I hunt like a mad woman for the best price, but somewhere along the way, things like common sense and budgets go out the window and love overwhelms my wallet and… boom! I LOVE YOU gets wrapped up with a big bow and shoved under the tree. 

Enter Christmas 2012, the year I was jobless for the past 5 months, the year we spent $5000+ on fertility treatments, the year we decided to pursue IVF. The empty wallet is really cramping my style. I've told everybody that what I want for Christmas (besides a baby) is either cash (to put in the IVF savings account) or things to get my body ultra-ready for IVF. Things like yoga classes, acupuncture sessions, etc. But I don't feel like I can expect the husband to give up Christmas presents for the future IVF procedure. And other people in my life certainly don't deserve the shaft just because my body can't get it together. 

So to compensate for my less than bountiful bank account I'm putting extra thought into all of the gifts this year. A lot of the gifts will probably be kind of boring compared to flat screen TV's and iPhones because they are needed items. Bor-ing. But it is what it is. I'm also trying to think back at some of the smaller gifts and remember what Sam really liked. I figure if I get things that he really likes, wants, needs it can make up for the smaller size, price, quantity.

I know that the Christmas season isn't really about gifting. I know that this is probably a great year for us to chill out and make some memories as this will be the last Christmas that Sam will have off for school. From here on, we will be regular ole' working citizens with a measly 2-3 days off for the holidays. And believe me, I am soooooo thankful that not only am I home for the holidays, but my mom and Sam will be off all the way through the new year. Beautiful. But this is really stretching me… how do I communicate love to my family, in particular my husband, when my language of love requires cash? I was struggling mightily with this earlier when it dawned on me that giving is not Sam's love language (bummer). Ah-ha! Show him I love him in his own language… and then I remembered, his love language is words of affirmation. So do I stand in front of the tree and recite all of the reasons that I love and respect my husband on Christmas morning? My creativity as far as words of affirmation go is pretty slim as you can tell. If anyone has any great ideas, pass them along!

It's Christmas Time in the City

Yay! It's my FAVORITE time of the year! This Christmas is particularly special as it is our first Christmas as husband and wife. We have had so much fun shopping for all the decorations! Well, let me amend that, I have had an incredible time doing the aforementioned, and Sam has dutifully smiled and pretended to care about each little decision.

When Sam and I went home for Thanksgiving we decided to look at the Christmas tree farm that my family has bought trees from for the past six years or so. Sam priced them here in Augusta so we knew we were looking for a great deal (without skimping in the least). As my mom and Sam can attest, I am a little bit picky about Christmas trees... they must be perfect. For the last sixteen years my family has been fortunate enough to have very high ceilings so we have always had very large trees. I was not looking forward to downgrading in the least... a tree that is shorter than my husband just doesn't seem all that large, even if it is "average height". So Sam and I helped pick out a BEAUTIFUL twelve foot tree for my mom's house, and then, while the men drilled the whole and bundled it up, Sam and I browsed the small tree section. They were all so pitiful... skinny, short, nothing looked right. And then out of nowhere, bam! Beautiful! It's short, that's for sure, but it's as tall as our little old home can handle. We were debating whether it was worth buying it and hauling it all the way back to Augusta, when the sweet lady who runs Cooper's Tree Farm came and put a price tag on our sweet tree! And that did it! I can't say no to a great deal! So Sam grabbed our perfect baby Christmas tree and hauled it to the drill!

On Sunday when we got home to Augusta, we quickly made a fresh cut and got our Christmas tree in the stand and watered. We then headed out to get lights, which of course required two trips. I guess even the first year when you are guaranteed they will all light, you still have to make an extra trip for more! Sam was great and helped put up the lights and decorations while we utilized the greatness on Pandora to listen to some Christmas carols.

As we have the extra ordeal of Sterling to contend with, we went almost entirely with shatterproof ornaments, which has turned out great! We spent way less money then we would have on glass ornaments AND as both Sterling and Everest love to get ornaments off the tree, we've been saved a great deal of heartache over broken glass!

So here it is, our first Christmas tree!

Along with our tree skirt from Pottery Barn (monogrammed and shipped for FREE) we got stockings for ALL of us. Sterling's and Everest's are actually from Pottery Barn Kids, and I couldn't resist! They were just too cute!

Thankfully we have a cute little shelve in our living room since we don't have a fireplace, but I'm pretty pleased!

It also gave me a great (safe) place to display some of the many nutcrackers that I've been collecting for the past fifteen years. The remainder ended it up squeezed in an old bookcase. All of our Christmas decorations are above the five foot level, but I'm pretty pleased with what we've accomplished.

And for the first year that we can't be home with our families for the greater part of December, we've done a good job of creating our own festive feel in Augusta until we can make it home. So Merry Christmas everyone, I hope you are all enjoying this Christmas season as much as Sam and I! May the Lord bless you and your's in the coming year!