Now that THAT'S Over

Whew! Glad that's over. I was not looking forward to this Mother's Day at all, like at all. In the past, Mother's Day has been mostly okay. I've never had a day where I just cried all day or felt so miserable that I actually had reason to dread the day, but I was. I was really, really dreading it. I woke up Sunday morning thinking, "I really don't want to do this." This being go to church, smile, say "Happy Mother's Day" 2.4 billion times, and hug other people's kids. But I'm the class leader of the best, most awesome, coolest little two year olds three year olds I know, so skipping and calling out on such a big day was not an option.

Thankfully, it wasn't all that bad. I did have a small breakdown while getting ready. The sadness just overwhelmed me while applying eyeshadow, which is obviously a really awful moment for tears. I wasn't sad for me, I was sad for my babies. Five. That's how many babies I've lost. Now granted, I've never seen a heartbeat flutter on the ultrasound screen, I've never heard the thump/chug sound. Hell, I've never even made it to the third beta, but there have been five embryos with a little bit of me inside of them... they were my babies... and now they're dead. I was simply overwhelmed with sadness that my babies keep dying. I felt like the ultimate failure as a mom. My eggs are most likely to blame. It is my contribution to them that's killing them... at least that's how it felt in that moment. Not only do I not have the ability to provide for them and care for them like a mother should, but I am the reason they die... in other words, I'm killing my babies. Really happy, cheerful thoughts for 7:30am on Mother's Day.

I finally pulled myself together, cleaned the goop and tear tracks from under my eyes, and decided further worry with eye makeup was just dumb... it was obviously going to be one of those days. But you know what, that was the end of it. It was really the last moment of "woe is me" for the day. So a little piece of advice: if by chance Mother's Day is your personal form of torture, buy a house three days before.Yep, It's a sure fire way to be waaayyyyyy  too busy to even know what day of the week it is, let alone the specifics of the holiday calendar. After serving at church, we hightailed it out of there and headed to our home away from home (aka Home Depot) and the rest of the day was a blur. There were a few moments in which I thought of friends who were probably having a rough day, but for the most part, I was covered in putty, dust, paint and simply far too busy to wallow in self pity.

So hooray for that! Mother's Day 2014 is over and it's 362 days until the next one. And in the mean time, I've got 2.3459 billion things to do at our new house! (hopefully, those things will be done in 17 days, rather than 362 because that's how long we have to move) Without further adieu, the Greavu home.

 

 

Hooray! Moments after signing our names 10,000 times! It's official!

I promise to show pictures once we're a bit more settled. Currently, there's a cloud of dust so thick you can hardly see your feet. It's doing wonderful things for my lungs, let me tell you. If I'm missing in action over the next few weeks 17 days just know that I love you all bunches but I'm hard at work doing home ownery things like scraping popcorn ceilings and painting cabinets.

The Ashes

Today, God willing, we will sign our names 800 times, hand over a big ol' chunk of change and close on our first home. It's pretty exciting! I am beyond thrilled to have a place to call our own. We've worked really hard to get to this day.

But today is important for another reason too. I'll admit that I didn't automatically remember the date. It's not engraved on my mind any longer. But when our realtor mentioned the closing date of May 8th, I just had a funny feeling... I knew the date was important. It took me a day to place it, and even then I had to double check. But my funny feeling was accurate: today is important because it's my due date. My first due date. 

Today should have been that precious child's birthday. My baby would have turned two. Instead, my husband and I will move into our first home without a crib or a stroller. We won't unpack a set of jumbo Legos or a baby doll. It's just us (and Sterling and Everest). I wondered if this date might sting less this year for two reasons: 1- time, and 2-more losses. I guess to the first, the answer is yes, in a way, time does heal all wounds. I certainly hurt less today than I did last year and even less than I did two years ago. To the second, surprisingly no. The loss of four embryos and one (barely) confirmed pregnancy since then doesn't diminish this day. I'm sure part of that has to do with the pain simply compounding rather than dividing, but I think it's also because she was my first. She will always be my first baby. Maybe not my first born, but always my first baby. 

I also think that today stings a little more than a "standard due date" (whatever that might be) because this also marks the end of a chapter for our family. The loss of that baby marked the beginning of the infertility saga of our lives. With the loss of that first child, my dreams for our family vanished. With the death of my first baby, I ushered in the hardest season of my life. That miscarriage has divided my life into two parts: pre-infertility, and infertility. No, I didn't know that I was infertile the day I lost my child, but looking back that's when this mess all began. Like any woman suffering an unexpected miscarriage I feared that it would happen again; I worried that I wouldn't get pregnant again. When that baby died, so did any naïveté I had held onto. This day now also symbolizes what might have been. It feels like the fork in the road. Had I delivered a beautiful baby girl on this day in 2012, my life would look so different. We'd probably be trying for our second, because Lord knows I'd need another before 29. Everything would be different. Instead my life took a very different path. It was a sharp fork, one that disrupted everything and that I did not take by choice. Instead, on May 8th 2012, I completed paperwork for my infertility clinic. I had just met with my first Reproductive Endocrinologist the day before and I was preparing for my first procedure, the HSG, the next day. It was a very different day then, and it's a very different day now. 

I have no answers as to why my life took such a sharp turn. It makes no sense to me. I could write about beauty for ashes, but really, I'd prefer that child to this home. I'd rather be celebrating her birthday this weekend than packing up our rental. I'm thankful for today and all that it symbolizes, but that doesn't mean it's not all ashes compared with what could have been. 

Where We Sit

My mind is a swirly mess of deep thoughts these days. Between preparing to close on our first home, researching adoption, researching CCRM, and discussing our remaining four embryos, it all just feels like a mess of BIG stuff. One day I think I'm on top of it, and the next it just feels overwhelming again. Today is one of the latter days.

As far as the house goes, believe it or not, I think this might work out. If I'm still supposed to be terrified of it all falling through, I guess I just don't know any better. Our offer has been accepted by the seller, we've submitted all of the loan paperwork, the house appraised for a sufficient amount... it just feels like the boxes have been checked. But, we don't close for another three weeks, which feels like forever... I'm guessing there is still stuff to be done that I don't know about yet. But you guys, the house is so cute! I can't wait to post photos. It has an adorable little backyard with a great space for entertaining. The yard is currently in need of a little TLC, but worst case scenario, I'll just pay Erika to come lovingly sing to my brown grass. Buying a home is a complicated process with a lot of steps that I'd never heard of, but I'm just hoping that we've dotted enough Is and crossed enough Ts that it's not all going to fall apart now.

As far as adoption goes, we're still researching. We're still talking to adoptive parents. I'm still reading. But truth be told, we're feeling pretty good about adoption. I'm still not sure that I'd say we've been called to adopt, but maybe it's enough that we simply want to adopt. We've got a couple of meetings scheduled in the next several weeks with a few adoption agencies and adoption professionals to ask all of our (8 million) questions. We think we know who we want to go with, but I of course need to do a little due diligence to make sure.  You may remember that I have commitment issues when it comes to stuff like this. We're getting there though, and I know that, because my biggest issues swirl around ethical concerns (knowing we're working with an ethical agency) rather than attachment concerns (worrying about loving an adopted child).

As far as CCRM goes, oh man, I don't know. I'd love to go to CCRM and have all our dreams come true*. I'd love to cycle one more time, and finally get to experience a pregnancy. But I'm just not sure I can do it. Do I want to? Yes. Should I? I don't know. The money is a HUGE deal... CCRM would be $30,000 easy... more likely $35,000ish after all is said and done. That's for one more IVF cycle. That doesn't include the costs accrued if the first transfer fails... assuming that we have embryos to freeze, it would be several thousand more dollars for each attempt at a transfer. Are children worth that price tag? Absolutely. Is the chance of better eggs yielding better embryos ending in a successful pregnancy worth that? I don't know. I guess it would come down to what that chance is... 90% definitely, 70% maybe, 50% ummm, 30% probably not, 10% definitely not. Julia brought up some great points a few weeks ago. She said the success of CCRM is in their lab, and their Comprehensive Chromosome Screening (CCS) increases their success rates. Something like 80% of women using their own eggs do CCS at CCRM. After the testing, CCRM only transfers genetically normal embryos, which means that in at least 80% of the transfers, CCRM transfers genetically normal embryos... no wonder they have such good success rates. I say all of this not to detract in any way from the quality or caliber of CCRM, but rather to suggest that without knowing the success rates of the 20% or so who don't do CCS, we really don't know what our odds might be without the tests… maybe it would be 40% rather than 77%.  If Sam and I are unwilling to do CCS testing (which is still debatable, but seems unlikely) then I'm not sure that CCRM can help us any more than FIRM or RBA or any other clinic.  BUT, I definitely still need to talk with a doctor there and get some questions answered before we decide to close the IVF door forever.

And as to our four remaining embryos in Florida, well, things are just confusing. I had a phone consult with Dr. Duffy to discuss our next steps today. Sam and I discussed it before the consult and decided that we're really only interested in pursuing an FET as a next step if we can transfer all four. Dr. Duffy didn't think it was a terrible idea since it's still debatable whether we even have four embryos (that 3 cell is questionable). However, he highly recommended the Endometrial Function Test that he mentioned last time before moving ahead. He still feels like we have a significant chance with our remaining embryos and his words were, "I wouldn't want you to waste them all on a transfer without knowing the quality of your uterus." Ughhhhhh. Can I just admit that I don't want to drag this out any longer? The EFT requires a mock cycle and a biopsy... after it's all said and done, I'm guessing it would be an additional $1,000. But I feel awful about even considering the transfer without the test if he thinks it's that big of a deal. I certainly don't want to risk our embryos in an environment that they can't survive in. But if I'm being abundantly honest, I just don't have much hope for the embryos we have left... healthy uterus or other wise. The EFT feels like simply prolonging the inevitable to me, but Dr. Duffy seems to disagree. I'm not sure what would happen if I pressed the issue, but I got the feeling today that he'd refuse to transfer all four embryos if we don't do the EFT. And I really can't see transferring two more embryos again... not 3 cell and 6 cell grade 3 embryos.

So that's where we sit... in a jumbled mess of BIG decisions. I have no idea where we should go from here. When people ask how I'm doing, I reply "fine," but that's code for tired. Next month marks three years of trying to conceive and I am exhausted. I feel physically broken and mentally confused, but ultimately I'm just tired. I know that there are a ton of couples who have been at this so much longer than we have... five, six, seven years. The thought of three more years like this is more than my mind can handle. I was not made for the marathon... endurance has never been my thing. But onward we will go because what else can we do? And though I don't feel confident in this moment, I do feel confident that we will resolve this, we will research and wrestle until we feel confident. The big mess will eventually whittle down into a recognizable something and we will move forward from here. I may not know where we're headed exactly, but I'm sure that we are on a journey somewhere.

*By looking into CCRM, I'm not suggesting that an adopted child would be second best or that we wouldn't feel as if our dreams came true through adoption. IVF at CCRM is simply an option, and one that would allow us to experience a pregnancy. We're researching options, but that doesn't mean that we aren't excited about the idea of adoption.

The Trifecta

I'm in search of The Trifecta. What is that, you ask? Oh well it's essentially my pursuit of happiness: a good job, a home, and a kid. I'm knocking on the door of 28.5 years and I'm still in search of The Trifecta. I know it's become the sad, sad, sad story of my generation that we're reaching milestones later, and later than we (or our parents) ever imagined. Sam and I appear to be particularly stunted... thanks infertility.

Suddenly it feels as if there is potential, potential to achieve The Trifecta. Unbelievable. Simply unbelievable. I won't get in to the employment thing because that just seems dumb to talk about on a public blog, but I'm EXCEPTIONALLY pleased to announce that the Greavus are house hunting! Eeekkkkk! I know, I know. Probably not that exciting, but to us, we're beyond pumped. The reason we're finally pulling the trigger on a house is probably a little premature and maybe the strangest reason ever to start the search. Essentially, if we decide adoption is our next step, we will have to move. No one, and I really mean that, absolutely no social worker would approve us for a home study in our current setup... we don't even have smoke detectors. When we started thinking about moving, we realized (once again) that rent is not cheap. We started crunching numbers and well, to get into a nice(r) place that will accept our 80 lb Weimeraner, our cat, and would pass a home inspection.... well it's not pretty. I exclaimed, "we could own a house for less than that!" And do you know what? We actually can!

Regardless of the decision to adopt, we would never feel comfortable bringing our child home to our current place, so moving is a must at some time. And now that we've started looking, we're both full three quarters steam ahead. We are trying to be EXTRA cautious with our choices. While we fully realize that the third part of our trifecta could come in the form of the two little embryos we transferred, we also realize that it might not. We could be years and thousands upon THOUSANDS of dollars away from a bring home baby. In order to save thousands, we need enough margin in our monthly budget. Which means the house of our dreams is not in the works, nor is the house we thought we'd buy when we got married... no this is the house of reality. The reality that says any child may cost $30,000+... literally. Dream homes are for later... much, much later. This will be a true "starter home"... and not like the starter homes my generation and those proceeding us thought were starters homes, no this will be a true starter home. But the cool thing is, we're still so excited about it. It probably won't even have five of our top ten wants, but it's still INCREDIBLE that we're even doing this.

As to the whole baby thing... I'd be lying if I said I hadn't thought of the potential we have right now. The potential for a positive pregnancy test on Friday and a bring home baby in 36 weeks. I've certainly thought of how ASTONISHINGLY different out lives would look if we weren't expecting to spend the next few years saving for a chance at a baby. I mean obviously, our lives would look waayyy different just because we have a baby... that in and of itself would be ridiculously different. But in terms of finances, things would radically change if we weren't up against IVF or adoption.

The potential for big things, for life altering change is definitely there... as to how significant the potential is, I have no idea. What are the odds we actually achieve ALL THREE?!?!? Probably slim... our lives simply do not seem to work that way. But two out of three? Still amazing. One out of three? I'd still be thrilled with ANY positive thing right now. Particularly if that one is a BABY... literally, I'll live in a hovel and work for minimum wage for a baby.

Speaking of baby... test day is Friday. I'm giving myself about a 5% chance of a positive beta which is low even for me. My doubts are at an all time high because I had period-ish cramps on and off all day Sunday, all day Monday and most of Tuesday. They are gone now, but I still don't think this bodes well. But one way or another, we'll find out on Friday.

And even if all three fall through, our anniversary is next week... I'm reminded that we are abundantly blessed to have four years of marriage behind us. We have a small trip planned to get away and relax together over a long weekend and I'm ridiculously excited! Other than Florida for IVF (which was too stressful and sad to even consider a vacation) this will be the first getaway since our last anniversary. We're ready.

So Another Year, Huh?

The years just seem to melt away now. I mean, I can literally remember sitting with Sam on the couch in Augusta on New Year's Eve in 2010... it doesn't seem that long ago. And yet, in some ways, it was a lifetime ago. In a lot of ways, I feel like I've aged a decade since then.

2013 was actually a pretty good year for Sam and I... much better than 2011 (miscarriage) and 2012 (jobless and failed IUIs). In 2013, Sam graduated from MCG with his Doctorate in Physical Therapy. I can't even really comprehend how huge this was for our family. Graduation was the fulfillment of a fifteen year dream for Sam and a lot of hard work and dedication for both of us. We certainly wouldn't be where we are today if not for Sam.

We both got jobs in 2013 which allowed us to really get our finances under control. We paid off all of our debt (minus student loans). And once we were free from credit card debt, we tackled saving for IVF. Those were two huge accomplishments for us and I honestly can't even put into words how thankful I am for the Lord's provision this year. We have been insanely blessed and our sacrifices have led to abundant multiplication time and time again.

2013 brought greater friendships both through the blog and in real life. Sam and I have both felt so supported in our journey by our friends in our small group, through our church, our work... friendships have simply blossomed this past year.

For me personally, this past year brought a quiet peace in the midst of my infertility. The days of feeling an absolute desperation; a frantic need to do more, try more; a desire to hurry everything along just seemed to melt away. The Lord slowly and quietly worked in my heart until I've finally come to a place where I recognize that the Lord is in complete control. It's been a year of subtle changes on an emotional and spiritual level, and I am in a much better place because of them.

And of course, 2013 brought us here: to IVF in Jacksonville. It's still pretty surreal. Last night I was filling in my medication chart when I realized that I've already done 5 days of shots... if I stim for 10 days, I'm already half way there. It just doesn't seem like this could be it, that we could be here.

So 2013 has come to a close. Obviously for Sam and I, 2014 holds a lot of potential. We could be three to four weeks away from a positive pregnancy test. And if the Lord does bless us with a bring home baby from this IVF, we would actually deliver in 2014 too... that kind of blows my mind. So yeah, 2014 has a lot of potential. And not just in terms of building our family but for other things too like paying off more debt and saving for our first home. We are incredibly hopeful for the year ahead and praying that the Lord will continue to bless our little family.

Wishing all of you the best in 2014! May 2014 bring good news and greater blessings to us all!

The Options

The epic failure of IUI#4 has caused us to take a fresh look at things. Life has changed a lot since IUI#3 way back last fall. We have 2.5 jobs between us. We have money (weird). We are beginning to see the big picture of how student loan debt, a future home, and this little thing called infertility will affect us for the coming years. Decisions about any one thing, affect all of the others.

We've been talking a LOT about where we should go from here. We are seeking wise counsel about our next steps in regards to the big picture and the now. We're trying to make the wisest, most financially secure decisions for our family without doing anything that we will really come to regret.

As I see it, we have a few options for growing our family going forward:

1. Do nothing. All of our money would go to paying off debt and saving for a house. We'd revisit the idea of children in four or five years when we are debt free if we had not been successful on our own in the mean time.
2. Save for IVF. This requires sacrificing the dream of home ownership for the foreseeable future. It also means that we would make minimum payments toward our massive amount of student loan debt, so we'd hold on to that beast for a while.
3. Save for cheap(er) IVF. We could complete saving for IVF in half the time if we revisited the idea of the low cost clinic in our area. If it worked, we would be back on track to pay down debt and buy a house significantly faster.
4. Take out a loan for IVF. We haven't investigated this option at all. We have no idea what the interest rate, loan payments, ect. would look like. But we could potentially do IVF in September or October of THIS year.
5. Skip IVF, move on to adoption. There are of course decisions to make within this: domestic or international. We'd have to find an agency, start saving/fundraising, etc. This could potentially bring us a family faster than IVF (particularly option 2), but it might not, it might be three years.

I see pros and cons of each of these options. The fact that we have options is a blessing, but it's also kind of overwhelming. This is an example of those weighty decisions that feel so huge... the consequences of making the wrong choice could stay with us well into our thirties. And with all of this, there is no guarantee. Absolutely NONE of the options means "bring home baby". My head kind of spins when I even think about these different options. It's overwhelming to say the least.

These are my current thoughts on each:

1. Do nothing. I'm not sure if I have this in me... I don't know if I could "forget" about TTC for four or five years. I feel like I'd have to cut ties with it all... no more blogging about it, no more OPK's no more temping. We'd be closing the door on all of this this. We'd be "not trying, but not preventing". It would be a HUGE leap of faith... one that I don't necessarily feel like I've been asked to make. AND if we came back at the age of 32, to discover our chances at IVF were significantly less, we would always second guess this decision.
2. Save for IVF. This had been the plan for the last nine months. It is only now, that we are employed, that we are actually doing it, but it was always the plan. This is obviously the one I'm most comfortable with as it is the one I'm the most familiar with. I estimate that we'd start IVF in January or February with this plan.
3. Save for cheap(er) IVF. $18,000 becomes $10,000 if we go to the low cost clinic. Simple math tells you we could achieve this faster. I estimate that we could start the process in September or October. But if you remember, this doctor was pretty confident that he found a large fibroid during an initial patient consultation. We've checked, double checked, and cut me open to prove that there is no fibroid. I'm not sure how much I trust him after that. And I'm not sure how I'd feel if IVF failed... would I always wonder if another clinic could have done better?
4. Take out a loan for IVF. Nine months ago, I would have been all over this option. A quick ticket to my maybe baby is EXACTLY what I want. I'm not sure how I feel about this option now. I think I would need some numbers to really make a decision about this. My fear is that Sam (the hater of big ticket expenses) would regret IVF a bazillion times more (if it failed) as we write a check each month.
5. Skip IVF, move on to adoption. Adoption still scares me. I feel like I've kind of "mastered" fertility treatments. I mean, I haven't been successful, but I understand them. I speak the lingo. Adoption would be an entirely new subject to learn... dossiers, finger prints, home studies, agencies. It's a LOT of work, it's a lot of money, etc. I also wonder if either of us would regret skipping IVF. Will we later wish we'd done IVF first, when our chances were highest?

What would you do? Which option would you pick? How do you and your family make these kinds of BIG decisions?

Quit Playing Games with My Heart

A little Backstreet Boys for your Thursday morning? You're welcome. I was actually a N'SYNC fan myself. And we're totally off topic... circling back around. I've been struggling the last few days. My emotions are so tied up with this cycle. Every morning I wake up to take my temperature and I'm saying prayers while making sure the thermometer doesn't move and my lips stay totally sealed because if that temperature reading falls, I will be devastated. And yet, it's not. It's rising.

May 2013 BBT Chart: IUI#4

I know lots of people say that temping after a trigger or while on progesterone is totally unreliable, but I've yet to see that in my own charting. Sure, the progesterone is keeping my temperatures high but that's an accurate reflection of how much progesterone is in my system. My temperatures are higher than they've ever been before... eeeee! And, I do believe I see the ever elusive, not so reliable, "implantation dip".... now, sure, it's on CD6 and not CD7-10 like FertilityFriend says, but it's there.

As far as symptoms go, I've had them ALL... for one brief moment, and then they are gone. I've been nauseous, fatigued, bloated; I've had heartburn, cramps, and frequent urination. I've had it all, but nothing is consistent. It's here today gone tomorrow, or better yet here at 10am and gone by noon. I'm a lovely mixed up ball of emotions, symptoms, hope and dread. Where is all of this coming from?

And then it hit me. I've consciously and subconsciously been dreaming and running various scenarios in my head for the last several weeks. I now understand exactly why I'm so completely invested in this cycle. There is a LOT riding on this cycle: Not surprising, I know. But seriously, as if a BABY isn't enough, as if becoming PARENTS isn't enough... this cycle could also change our lives financially in big, big ways. Let me explain:

Ten months ago, when IUI#3 failed, we decided to do IVF. It wasn't a happy discussion at all... it was one of the ugliest fights we've ever had. I wanted to take out a loan, Sam wanted to save... I accused him of not caring about our unborn children (below the belt? maybe), he called me irrational. Basically we came to an agreement to do IVF... the END. We had no real plan of how to get there. Which is why we're here (at IUI) instead of there (at IVF). But regardless, all of this is to say, that with time we've come to fully embrace and expect IVF. The plan is and has been to live well below our means for as long as it takes to pay off our credit card debt (shame face), pay for IVF, and maybe even a down payment on a house. We're expecting to pay $18,000 for a chance at a baby. BUT, if we somehow get pregnant (and stay pregnant) this cycle, our entire outlook on the next year would change. We could pay off close to $30,000 in student loan debt. Or we could have a HUGE down payment on a home. This could literally change the way our finances look for the next five, ten, fifteen years... it's that big of a deal.

So when I say that there is a lot riding on this cycle, I mean it. It wouldn't be just a baby, which in and of itself is enough reason to totally lose it, but it would also be like winning the lottery. In our heads, that $18,000 is already gone... a positive pregnancy test would be like someone handing us $18,000. Without even realizing it, I've been playing all these scenarios through my head... buying a house next spring (with a nursery of course) with a sizable down payment and a lower interest rate because of less debt... it's a really really beautiful picture. And I'm not ready to see the dream go.

BUT, I keep reminding myself that if this is another failure, nothing has changed. We were planning to do IVF... we will still be planning to do IVF. But I'm just going to be really honest, this one's going to hurt.

Until Saturday my friends...

Blue Skies Smiling at Me

Remember how I said that there were some good things coming to the Greavu's? Well praise the Lord, some good things have arrived!

First of all, Sam accepted a job. Not just any job, but a FANTASTIC job! We were really so blessed to be in the opportunity to choose between jobs. I mean, it's 2013, we're in a recession post-recession double-dip financial crisis time where employment is hard to come by. Who gets offered TWO careers? Apparently people in the medical field. As I stated before, most of the opportunities in Colorado that we were pursuing kind of fizzled out. The one that looked promising was in a less than ideal location, Colorado Springs, (we want Fort Collins or Loveland areas) and the salary was less. Significantly less. So despite the cool factor of living in Colorado and the awesome factor of going to CCRM, we decided to X that one. That left us with two solid opportunities here; both of which offered Sam a position. We seriously felt like we couldn't go wrong. Both are really solid businesses, run by really awesome guys, with really promising futures. It was a tough decision for Sam to make, but ultimately, we are THRILLED with our decision!

Secondly, I GOT A JOB! No seriously, I got a job. It was kind of a whirlwind of a week. Sam made his decision on Wednesday, I woke up to an email on Thursday telling me that I was the top candidate and to hold tight. Friday I accepted a position! Sweet!

Are you ready for this? On top of all of that awesomeness, I met with my old boss from my college years and he wants me to come back and do graphic design work! I'm ECSTATIC! I love working with him and the entire church! It's really a dream place to work. It's only part-time, so I'm going to do both: full time job during the workweek, and part time job at night or on the weekends.

And to top it all off, the last piece of good news is this: we found a home to rent in Athens. As I mentioned before, this process can be terrible. Particularly in a college town where rental units are often not cared for, expensive, and occupied. We decided to live well below our means for the next year in the hopes that we can accomplish two things: IVF and a down payment for a house. If both of those things happen in a year, I'll be blown away, but we decided to go for it and give it everything we've got. We're not getting any younger!

So there: after a lot of not so great news, and months of waiting, we smashed a heck of a lot of EXCELLENT news into ten days! Things are looking up and we're EXCITED!!!!

What the Future Holds

Sorry for the long break. The radio silence was intended for a day, not a week plus. I did actually honor it, by the way, and it was sadly pretty difficult. I've been back checking in on blogs and such since then, but I just don't have much to say. There's not a whole heck of a lot going on in my daily life, and I recently feel at a loss as to what to say to others. Bad blogger. Sorry.

We're dealing with lots and lots of unknowns right now. It's pretty hard to plan or dream or do much of anything. Sam has begun the application process. This has been the long awaited point for us that we have looked to with so much anticipation for so long. Now that it's here, I'm full of anxiety. Don't get me wrong, I'm excited. I'm sooooooo ready for that first pay check, but in the mean time, the unknown aspects are kind of scary.

The most likely scenario will be that Sam will find employment somewhere within driving distance of Athens. In which case, we will find a super duper cheap rental in the Athens area (our desired living area in Georgia). I'm currently applying to just about everything in the Athens area myself on the assumption that this is where we will land.

In this scenario, we will stay at RBA with Dr. Slayden. The only foreseeable reason we would leave RBA is if we simply cannot get the funds together for IVF. Sadly, RBA is like THE most expensive. clinic in the metro Atlanta area. There are two other clinics that are significantly cheaper. The first is the Servy-Massey Fertility Institute, which is promising all inclusive IVF for $6,975. The only thing not included in that price is medication. ICSI and assisted hatching aren't even an additional cost. Pretty sweet. But we didn't have an awesome consult as you may remember. The second cheaper option is Georgia Reproductive Specialists which is now doing IVF for $9,500, which is still significantly less than RBA and ACRM. We're keeping both of those in the back of our minds just in case.

Anyway, back to the unknown. We've also decided to throw some applications out west. Rumor has it that PT's (and doctors in general) make more out west. I'm not sure if that's the case for where we would be interested in living, but we will see. If you've been a long time follower of this blog, you might remember that I have a mild love affair with Colorado. It's pretty much the greatest state in my opinion. For a brief period, Sam and I were pretty fired up about moving out to Colorado. And then life started to happen. It started to look less and less feasible. We began to plan for life in Athens and shelve the Colorado dream. However, infertility, believe it or not, has brought Colorado back into the picture. Colorado Center for Reproductive Medicine has the highest success rates of any clinic I've found (props CO). CCRM has come up over and over in the last several months, until the point I just couldn't ignore the feelings I had. Sam and I discussed it, and we've decided to throw some applications that way. We see it like this: 1- it doesn't cost us anything to apply. Just a few bucks for postage out there. 2- Colorado is AWESOME, so moving there wouldn't be a loss. 3- if we're going to pay a zillion dollars for IVF, we might as well go to the best (if we can).

If moving to Colorado doesn't work out, we won't shed any tears. We are fully satisfied with the prospect of living our little life in Athens, the greatest college town in the world. It's a pretty sweet deal to be honest. Southern hospitality, awesome food, beautiful surroundings, excellent social life opportunities, a fantastic church home.... Plus six Saturdays a year the city bleeds red and black as the Dawgs host some team at Sanford Stadium and serve them up as puppy chow. BUT, if Colorado does work out with an awesome job opportunity for Sam, we are prepared to view it as a sign that our path leads west in the hopes of being a one hit wonder in this hole IVF insanity.

With all of that being said, the future is pretty unstable. We could be looking for a rental home in Athens in the next few weeks, OR we could potentially be moving across the country in a few months. That is, of course, assuming that we have a job opportunity at all in the next few months. We are pretty confident that Sam will find employment. However, nothing is certain, as we have learned time and time again over the last few years.

Pause

Do you ever feel like your life is paused? Like the screen is frozen in the most awkward moment? You know that if you could just find the dang remote and press play you could get that awful look off your face and relax.

Ugly face moment from NBC's Do No Harm.
Poor guy, I think he's really intelligent, but he looks quite dumb here.

That's how I feel. My life is stuck on pause and I lost the remote (or Sterling ate it). I've realized lately that I've pretty much stopped living. Literally, the only thing that gets me out of the house is church on Sundays and my small group one night a week. There are soooooo many things that I want to do, but for one reason or another, I don't.

Take running for example. Once upon a time, a long, long time ago I trained for the Susan G. Komen Breast Cancer 3-Day. The training sucked a lot. But my mom, the slave driver equivalent to Jillian Michaels had me scared out of my mind. So I trained, and I trained. I was in such good shape by the time the 3-Day actually arrived that the 60(ish) miles in 3 days was actually easier than the first 10 mile training walk. Now, I didn't lose a pound during all of that training, but Sam lost like a gazillion. It was disgusting. So, whenever we get really frustrated with ourselves, we say that we should train for something. Training = motivation. Sam always wants to run. Now, I can't run… like at all. But I figure, I couldn't walk 10 miles at first either. So running sounds ultra hard, but plausible. And then the fear sets in. What if, by some insane miracle, I got pregnant, didn't know it, and went for a run, and well, you know where this is going… What if running caused a miscarriage? I would NEVER get over it. Ever.

The same can be said for Zumba. Zumba looks fun(ish). If I had a partner in crime who was equally uncoordinated and new to Zumba, if we went out and bought new workout attire like Erika recommends, and if we stayed waaaaayyyyy in the back, then Zumba might help get rid of these extra pounds I'm carrying around. But then I think, "what if I bounced my baby loose?". See what goes on inside of this head? It's not fun, I tell you.

Then there is the financial aspect of living. The original plan was to buy a house this year. Sooner rather than later. We figure we got dealt a pretty crappy hand as far as graduating in the middle of a recession, but as far as the housing market goes… it couldn't really be better. We wanted to take advantage now, while a mortgage payment is actually less than rent, rather than miss the boat and watch home ownership sail ten years out of the picture. But that was the plan before we learned that becoming parents was going to cost us BIG bucks. I don't know how to be a home owner and a mom on the same budget. So if I have to choose, well owning a home is possible at 40, while getting this lady pregnant is probably, well, not.

And as far as posterity goes, my plan was to document our life really well with beautiful photos. I've wanted professional photos of us for over a year. I look like a moron 99% of the time in photos, but people like Chris + Allie can make just about anything beautiful. Here's proof:

Engagement photo of Sam and I in Fall of 2009.
All the credit goes to the*Reason for making me look lovely.

See what I mean? I'd love a photo session, but I keep holding out expecting to need maternity photos before too long. Plus, I feel guilty paying for photos of just us.

The pause on life is literally at all levels. When I really thought pregnancy was right around the corner, I wouldn't let myself buy any clothes because obviously I was about to have to buy a whole new wardrobe to fit my baby bump. I've slacked a bit here because everything I'm buying now is larger and therefore more likely to last into a pregnancy, but still the thoughts are there.

Sam and I planned to go on some great vacations. I thought maybe our five year anniversary would be somewhere fabulous like Hawaii or Europe. But we would need to start saving soon to pull off a trip like that sans credit cards. But lets get real, there is at least $15,000 needed before the Hawaii fund gets started, so that will probably never happen.

As far as jobs go, I delayed applying for jobs initially because I didn't want to have to deal with a new employer who wouldn't let me off for an appointment. Plus, I didn't want to have to explain what I was doing or where I was going all the time to a new boss. I figured that there weren't too many employers out there that would be very excited for a new employee who was trying super desperately to get knocked up.

I'm not happy in any way with this pause in my life. I'm so ready to move on, try new things, reach a new status in life. Of course, I'd really like to fast forward a bit, but normal speed would be much better than this stalled out, frozen thing I've got going on. As you may have surmised from the pitiful post from the other night, we are done with medically assisted trying to conceive for a while now. With that HUGE chunk of my life missing, I've got to figure out how to live again. There HAS TO BE joy in the waiting, you know?

Anybody else, fertile or infertile, ever feel like somebody pushed pause on the movie of your life? Did you ever find the remote? Are you still paused or playing away?

Home in the Classic City

This may be extremely premature as Sam hasn't received confirmation back on his last clinical, but I am so excited to announce that it looks like Athens will be our home very shortly. We don't know when exactly we will be moving back to Athens; obviously I'll need a job before we can start house hunting. But regardless of our physical landing spot, we are so pumped to be in the area this fall!

First and foremost, we are thrilled to be able to return to our church home, Athens Church! My heart is so full of anticipation for the first Sunday we'll be back! And yay for making it back in time to start a community group through GroupLink! We are so blessed to be rejoining a church community where we feel known, understood, accepted, and nurtured!

And let's also not forget the perfect timing of returning just in time to kick off the 2012 Georgia football season. Sam and I will definitely be on the hunt for some cheap/free tickets!

As I said, we aren't sure when we will officially become residents of the Classic City. There are a lot of unknowns in the Greavu household right now. Our parents have been nice enough to offer us a place to stay during Sam's clinicals while we figure everything out. Our hope is to be able to purchase our first home in the Athens area sometime next summer. We'd love to settle in the Watkinsville area, but I have a feeling that area will be a smidge outside of our price range, so we are looking at the northeast side of Athens, maybe even the Jefferson area. Whether there's an apartment, rental home, or cardboard box in our future before the first house, we are thrilled to be rejoining the Athens community and look forward to creating a home for ourselves in the city we've come to know and love!

Where's Home?

Do you ever feel like you don't belong? Or better yet, do you ever dream of relocating? Just picking up and moving? I do, I have for a long, long, long time. I think I was about five years old when I decided that I would eventually move to Colorado. I've never wavered... Never. When I see weather forecasts like these I can't help but long for the crisp mountain air, the WHITE Christmases, weekends on the slopes, and the overwhelming beauty of Colorado. My ultimate goal has always been to return to live in a small town, like the one I was born in, (Fort Collins) where it's big enough you can get lost, small enough you feel safe, and close enough that a weekend of shredding the slopes is a quick car ride away. And when I see the ridiculous awards and statistics for this AMAZING town, I cannot help but think, I've been right all along... Colorado should be my home.

I'd love, love, LOVE to say that come May 2013 (when my wonderful Husband will be graduating) we will be ready to pack it all up and head west, but pessimism, or maybe realism is starting to settle in. In light of jobs, children, money, and family it will probably not be realistic to load up the moving vans immediately after graduation (unless of course Sam gets a clinical out there and gets an awesome job offer). So I guess in the back of my mind, as I attempt to come to grips with the delay, I've been contemplating other possible landing areas after our exodus from Augusta.

I really, honestly cannot imagine moving back to Gainesville for any long period of time... ultimately there is just too much water under the bridge for me there and I just have to believe that there is way more to this world than what Gainesville has to offer us. And currently my heart is leading back to Athens. I know, I know, I can't be a college kid forever. But there are a lot of really fabulous things about Athens. Exhibit A: football tickets, or if we can't afford tickets, at least we are close enough to tailgate and feel part of the excitement. Exhibit B: It's not Gainesville (obviously), but it IS close enough to make a quick trip home to see the family (something I thoroughly failed to appreciate when it was available to me). And if Sam and I are planning on starting a family, it would be great to be close to all the grandmas. Exhibit C: Athens Church. Now most people probably wouldn't choose a city to live in based on the church there, normally it's the other way around. But now that I'm gone both from the church and the workplace, I realize what an AMAZING church family we had there. I would be thrilled to be blessed with the messages of Andy Stanley each Sunday, a weekly small group of like minded married couples who want to "do life" together, and to be close enough to drop in on old friends and coworkers to hear the amazing life change that is occurring through their work and prayers.

Ultimately, I'm praying hard that the Lord will give me contentment during the days left in Augusta; that I will look upon this time as an opportunity to create lasting memories and family traditions for the years ahead with Sam, and that I will cease waiting for life to get better than it already is. But I'm also praying that the Lord will begin to direct our path where HE wants us to go. If it's Colorado, GREAT! I pray he would prepare a way and provide for us in the days ahead. If it's Athens, that would be wonderful too, kind of a coming home. And if it's none of the above, I pray that we would ultimately seek HIM to find fulfillment.