Stuck on Repeat

Well friends, it's another negative. I'd be lying if I said I wasn't sad... super sad. Two more of my embryos died. Two thousand more dollars were spent for another negative. I really don't know what else to say... we tried, we failed (again).

I have absolutely no idea where we need to go from here. I know I'm not ready to kiss the dream goodbye, but I also know that I am so, so tired. I'm so over this season, this journey. Can I have a different story? Even if the grass isn't as green as I imagine it is on the other side, I'm ready to cross over. But how much more do I want to go through? How much of the dream am I willing to give up? Genetics? The pregnancy? The birth? Infancy? Do we move on to the next logical step and simply try IVF again, maybe at a better clinic like CCRM? But what if that fails too? Then what? We'll have spent $30,000 on CCRM... we'll need another $10,000-35,000 to move on to the next, next step. Or should I simply admit that my eggs aren't up to par and skip a second round of IVF? Should we go straight to adoption or donor embryos? I feel overwhelmed by the possibilities, but even more so by all the zeroes following the dollar signs.

We do technically have four (maybe three) frozen embryos. One 8 cell, one 6 cell, one 4 cell, and one 3 cell.... the 3 cell is the questionable one. I don't really understand  enough about meiosis and mitosis and all that stuff to get what my doctor was saying, but essentially, he's not sure that the 3 cell actually has male DNA in it. I know, weird. Essentially he said on Saturday (day two) the egg looked to be unfertilized, so he reported that we had seven embryos. But when we showed up on Sunday, what had looked like an unfertilized egg the day before suddenly had three cells. He's unsure if it successfully fertilized or not... at least, I think that's what he said. The 8 and 4 cell are frozen together and the 6 and the 3 cell make our fourth straw. At this moment, if we did another FET next, I'd want to transfer all four. I can't believe I'm saying that... three months ago transferring three seemed like a terrifying and dumb choice... but that was transfer one and this would be transfer three, with the four worst embryos. The odds have to be incredibly small of a 3 cell, day 3, grade 3 embryo becoming our take home baby. I don't want to toss it, but I just don't feel good about transferring either group alone.

I really don't know which way is forward... all paths thus far just seem to circle us around and around and around. Our story just seems to be stuck on repeat. But ultimately, we have time to figure it out. As we don't have $30,000 in our bank account, we're not ready to move forward with plan G, H, I, J or K. In the mean time, I'm going to let myself cry, take a long, hot bath, and drink a Diet Coke... and there's probably a pint of Ben and Jerry's Salted Caramel Core in my very near future. Other than that, I'm going to look forward to the good things we have ahead: house hunting continues tomorrow and anniversary next Thursday. Life's not all bad... I've got to remember that.