Thanks for the outpouring of love everyone! Monday night was exceptionally ugly I'll admit, but I've talked myself down off the ledge. It's amazing what rest and a new day can do for you. One sweet friend sent me something that I felt like probably resonates with EVERYONE, so I wanted to share.
The author, Karen Ehman, sounds like she's lived my life… but I think the truth is, she probably sounds a lot like you too. Whether you've wanted a baby or not, there's been something you wanted, something you prayed for… and then the next day your friend got the something. Answer envy.
I've been here before. It's hard to remember, but once upon a time, I was green, I'm talking ELPHABA GREEN with envy over all the girls getting engaged and married. There for a while, it seemed like EVERY. DAY. Facebook was plastered with sparkly diamonds, gorgeous wedding dresses, and breathtaking honeymoon destinations. And I wanted to kill him! I hear that some people wait longer, but if you had asked me back then, I had waited longer than ANYBODY to get engaged! People younger than I were getting hitched after six months of dating and nine month engagements and "oh my gosh!" I was PISSED! I'd paid my dues, it was MY TURN!!!
Like I said, I've been here before. The truth is, if infertility hadn't reared it's ugly head, if I had my family of three or four, I'd just have something else to be envious of. I'd be praying for a house. And I'd be crazy jealous of all of my friends out purchasing their first homes. I'd want to kick my feet and tell God what's up as I see them swoop in and grab dream homes for a fraction of the cost. I'd panic and worry over the changing market and whine to my husband that we will lose our chance.
The truth is, there's always going to be a prayer on your lips at the same time someone else gets your answer. What do we do in those moments? Trust God. My tendency is to trust that God has a plan, but it might not be as fabulous as mine, right? So I try to convince him that mine is better. But that's not what the scriptures teach… My time is not to be spent rationalizing, debating, or fretting. It's spent waiting… (wait for it)… patiently.
But for you, Oh Lord, do I wait; it is you, Oh Lord my God, who will answer.
But if we hope for what we do not yet have, we wait for it patiently.
I hope that wherever you may be on this journey called life, that whatever it is that you're praying to God for, I pray that you would recognize a few things. One, you are not alone. It may seem like you're alone, like everyone except you is getting answers, but you're not alone. Second, when life meets reality, choose hope. Do not despair. And lastly, when you get your answer, even if it's no, not now, or wait, recognize that there's a bigger plan and give thanks (way easier said than done, I know).
With that said, I also think it's important to get yourself a "community", if you will, of people in the same situation, looking for, hoping for, waiting for a similar answer. I can vouch for the fact that the infertility community, even though it exists almost exclusively online for me, has been a true lifesaver. Years ago, I felt so alone. But when I reached out, I found other people who felt a lot like me, who hoped for the same things, who were waiting on the same answer. This has been a game changer for me. I can't imagine where I'd be without my friends.
Here's the other thing about community… there's a whole team of people who will be crazy excited for you when it's finally YOUR TURN. So with that in mind, I'd like to take a second to celebrate the women in my community who have beaten or are beating infertility. Those still in the trenches: if tonight is not your night, if today has been too much, if you can't handle one more answer to someone else's prayer, stop reading now. But I encourage you to come back on one of your better days, it may give you some hope to see so many triumph… your day is coming.
Jennie- 19 weeks
Lisa- brought her son home from Russia in November
Bree- pregnant with triplet boys, 28 weeks
Allison- 16 weeks
Belle- 34 weeks
Slynn- 14 weeks
Genny- 17 weeks
Amanda- pregnant with twin girls, 30 weeks
Kara- 23 weeks
Sarah- 9 weeks
Ready for my Turn- 10 weeks
Lisa- pregnant with twins, boy and girl, 30 weeks
Jen- 35 weeks
Amanda- brought home twins, boy and girl in April
Gator Girl- 17 weeks
And an extra special one to me, my cousin Lindsey, who has struggled for years with secondary infertility, is 7.5 weeks pregnant after her first IUI.
And that's just the friends I've come to know in the last year or so… answers are coming every day. I hope we can celebrate with these ladies and love on them! I know there are days when it feels like your community is leaving you behind… you're scared you'll be left behind, alone, again. But let us not forget, there is a story behind every answer. And so we wait.