Frozen Dreams

So today is CD 13, or more importantly the one and only monitoring appointment for my frozen embryo cycle. A frozen embryo cycle is so chill, practically boring compared to IVF. I'm guessing this is what clomid was like, but honestly I can't remember. No actually, clomid was more stressful because I was still worried about timed intercourse and those stupid sticks and "did I hold my bladder long enough?" and "oh my gosh, I have to pee, but I don't have an OPK!!!" Yeah, clomid was more stressful.

I have been so chill throughout this entire cycle... no worries, no stress. I forgot to take my three little blue pills the other morning and couldn't work up enough energy to care. "It'll be what it'll be" is kind of my motto. It's pretty much the complete opposite from "let me eliminate all bad things and eat only good things and rub my tummy and talk to my follicles and, and, and" that was IVF. Instead, I've somehow, unintentionally decided that there's not really much I can do to change the outcome of this. I'm pretty removed from the whole deal.

There was a moment yesterday when I started to stress and worry about today's appointment. I've never done an FET, so I had no idea what my lining would do. Would this pathetic protocol they've got me on of six little blue Estradiol pills a day really be enough to pump up my lining? As I've never been monitored off meds, I have no idea what my lining does all on its own. My worst lining ever was 6.2 and my best was 11.4. I started to worry that my FET might be cancelled and I began to realize that despite being chill and feeling uninvolved, I really do want to have the transfer. I just need to complete this transfer. Yes, I'll still have four more embryos, but the chance of success with either of the other straws is significantly less than with this straw. I need to complete this transfer so I can officially start thinking next steps. It feels like our future is frozen right now. The answers sit frozen in tiny straws in Jacksonville. They will either be our bring home babies, or we have more road ahead of us. Either way, I'm just ready to know. And ultimately, I just need to be doing something. Doing nothing feels miserable and makes me into an anxious, whiny, irritable person.

The monitoring today went well. I drove into Gainesville as neither of the hospitals in Athens could process Estradiol labs same day (lame). The ultrasound technician at the OB's office was a sweetheart... I'm sure she's used to monitoring baby bumps and all that kind of fun stuff, but she showed a genuine interest in my cycle and wished me luck. She reported that my lining was over 9mm... that's all I really cared about. I hit the car and let the tears fall... God, I want this. There's such a lovely, fluffy, squishy little home just waiting for those embryos. And I know they're subpar in terms of grading, but they're mine, and I LOVE them. I just want them to come home.

We're what feels like 2,000 milestones away from either of those sweet embryos coming home. They have to thaw well, the transfer has to succeed, they have to grow to blastocysts, they have to implant, they have to continue to grow... all of that before we even get to the pregnancy test, at which point we'll still have 1,995 milestones left to go. We're soooo far away, but for some reason hearing that my lining was lovely just made it feel like we're a teensy bit closer. Endometrial lining has really never been the issue for me (only on clomid), so I know we still have the REALLY BIG hurdles left to go, but man, I really, really want to succeed. I'm tired. I've run this race. I've fought the good fight. I'm so ready for this to be over. We're rapidly approaching three years of actively trying, most of which have been in the care of a Reproductive Endocrinologist. These have not been idol years... we've saved, we've prayed, we've tested everything (well almost), we've moved step by step through each of the procedures... I'm so tired and I know Sam is too. I just want to move on with our lives. God, I really, really want this to work.

I've already heard back from my nurse at the RE's office and she reported that my blood work is "great" and she's confident we're moving forward. I'm waiting to hear when I'll start the antibiotic and the Crinone (yuck). We're set to head to Jacksonville Saturday morning. I'm not sure exactly what time the transfer will be on Sunday, but I'm sure I'll hear some time today. Unfortunately we have to drive back after the transfer on Sunday. With Sam's job, we really can't take the extra days, but I'm planning to relax and rest the whole way back. And then the long two week wait will commence once again.

That's about it for now. I'll be sure to update after the transfer. In the mean time, head over to Julia's blog. Today is beta number two following donor eggs at CCRM. And check-in with Suzanne. Tomorrow is a BIG DAY and we're hoping Suzanne has a lovely, fluffy, squishy lining of her own. And please don't forget Holly. Let her know you're thinking about her as the due date of Brinly and Jude is Saturday.