Not Until You Bless Me

Sometimes I feel so confused in regards to how I should pray. I fluctuate back and forth. Do I ask for blessings? Do I ask for acceptance of my current gifts? Do I ask for God's will to be done? I've never been what you might call a "prayer giant" or an "intercessor". And I feel like the older I get, the more life I live, the worse I get. When I look to his word, I feel like the various stories in the Bible are sometimes in competition or just don't agree. And honestly, it seems to me I'm not the only one. One Sunday you'll hear one sermon, the next something different as the speaker pulls from a different scripture. It seems as if those things just couldn't possibly align. I know that the Bible is God's word and Truth, but sometimes, I feel clueless as to what He is trying to tell me.

Jacob warred with God all night and declared, even after sustaining an injury, that he would not let go without a blessing from the Lord.

"But Jacob replied, 'I will not let you go unless you bless me.'... Then he blessed him there."

Genesis 32:26&29      

But Jesus, when faced with the perfect reason to put his foot down, to hold on with both hands, to fight God's will, relinquished and prayed for God's will not his own.

“Father, if you are willing, take this cup from me; yet not my will, but yours be done.”

Luke 22:42                                                

I was studying both of these passages, and I came across this discussion online. Linda, the author, is a pastor of a Baptist Church in Moorestown New Jersey. Here are some of her thoughts on Jacob's wrestling match:

But Jacob knew that entering into covenant with God meant that they were more like partners- and that God’s part in that covenant said that God would never leave him or forsake him- that God would protect him and provide for him.  And  if God is the one who made the promises- then it was OK to remind God of those promises… boldly! Jacob is someone who was not afraid to be completely vulnerable and honest with God.

 You and I... we live in an anxiety filled world- we are fed fear for breakfast lunch and dinner, 24/7. We live in a constant state of feeling threatened, in everything from 9/11 and terror attacks, to global warming, to disease, infection, crime, economy… pick your poison…

 Yet very rarely, if at all, do we stand toe to toe with God in prayer about any of it.  We don’t boldly claim the promises as our own, but instead take a  small, helpless 'wringing our hands' type of stand when it comes to our fears, and sadly, our prayers. But I believe it is through this kind of active bold prayer that we are empowered for the struggle that could come next.  

But, in a completely different opinion on prayer, R.C Sproul, the noted author, pastor, and founder of Ligonier Ministries, looks at Jesus' prayer in the Garden and says this:

It is important to see what Jesus prays here. He says, “Not My will, but Yours, be done.” Jesus was not saying, “I don’t want to be obedient” or “I refuse to submit.” Jesus was saying: “Father, if there’s any other way, all things being equal, I would rather not have to do it this way. What You have set before Me is more ghastly than I can contemplate. I’m entering into My grand passion and I’m terrified, but if this is what You want, this is what I’ll do. Not My will, but Your will, be done, because My will is to do Your will.”
 I also want you to notice what happened after Jesus prayed. Luke tells us that an angel came to Him and strengthened Him. The angel was the messenger of God. He came from heaven with the Father’s answer to Jesus’ prayer. That answer was this: “You must drink the cup.”
 This is what it means to pray that the will of God would be done. It is the highest expression of faith to submit to the sovereignty of God. The real prayer of faith is the prayer that trusts God no matter whether the answer is yes or no. It takes no faith to “claim,” like a robber, something that is not ours to claim. We are to come to God and tell Him what we want, but we must trust Him to give the answer that is best for us. That is what Jesus did.

Looking at these two very different opinions on how to pray, you'll see how I can occasionally be confused. Are we to be like Jacob, holding the Lord to His promises, asking for more? Or, are we to be like Jesus, placing our trust in Him to do what is best? Do we ask for blessings, or do we ask for God's will and acceptance of it? Maybe it's both.

I had the privilege of meeting and speaking with Louie Giglio several years ago. In a conversation with myself and several others, he challenged us to begin to pray BIG. He said to ask for huge things not only because you want what your asking for, but because through BIG prayers, we have the greatest potential for BIG faith. I think, if I'm honest, part of my problem has been this: If I pray for something big, expecting God to come through in a big way, won't my faith suffer a BIG blow if I don't see the results? Doesn't it work both ways?

I think ultimately both thoughts on prayer are true. God commands us to pray about everything and pray to him continuously. I think He knows that prayers would become quite dull and rote if we only prayed, "You're will be done." God wants to hear our wants and our desires. He wants a relationship, a communion. But he wants obedience too. I think there must be some balance therein, where you can pray with boldness, believing that God wants to care for you, protect you, love you, and give you your greatest desires. But, and this is a big but, you also have to remember that this life, is not about you. It's all about HIS story and your life and all of creation is about shining the biggest spotlight imaginable on Him. So, when things don't come out just as you imagined, when those BIG prayers go unanswered and your faith feels shaken, you have to remember that He still loves you, but that what you've been praying for simply does not fit into His story right now.

So what about you? Do you find yourselves praying boldly for BIG things? Or do you tend to pray for His will and not your own? Do you think you can do both? Have you found your perfect balance?

Clinging to HIS Promises

I've been digging in lately, trying to find comfort, seeking understanding, looking for camaraderie. I'll be super honest, sometimes the scriptures bring up more questions than answers. But that's okay, I'll keep seeking, keep searching, keep hoping. I wanted to share some of the scriptures that I've found with the ladies who are struggling to conceive. If you have some favorite scriptures that have spoken to you in your darkest hours, or helped you to find peace in this current moment, feel free to comment or send them to me secretly and I'll add them in.



God's Goodness & Faithfulness
For the LORD God is our sun and our shield. He gives us grace and glory. The LORD will withhold no good thing from those who do what is right.

Psalms 84:11


Until now, you have not asked for anything in my name. Ask and you will receive, and your joy will be made complete.

John 16:24


If you believe, you will receive whatever you ask for in prayer.

Matthew 21:22


Blessings of a Family

Children are a gift from the LORD; they are a reward from him. Children born to a young man are like arrows in a warrior's hands. How joyful is the man whose quiver is full of them! He will not be put to shame when he confronts his accusers at the city gates.

Psalm 127:3-5


Dealing with Infertility

Isaac pleaded with the LORD on behalf of his wife, because she was unable to have children. The LORD answered Isaac's prayer, and Rebekah became pregnant with twins.

Genesis 25:21

Love that it is Isaac who prayed on behalf of Rebekah. Think about asking your husbands to pray specifically for you and for your family. I wonder if God isn't just waiting for the father-to-be to affirm in prayer, saying, "yes, I'm ready. I agree. I want this." The scriptures say, 'Again, truly I tell you that if two of you on earth agree about anything they ask for, it will be done for them by my Father in heaven.' Matthew 18:19


I prayed for this child, and the LORD has granted me what I asked of him.

1 Samuel 1:27

Hannah's story resonates with me greatly right now. I really love the simplicity of this statement. A great verse to memorize and have ready when the hard moments come.


He makes the barren woman to keep house, and to be a joyful mother of children. Praise ye the LORD.
Psalms 113:9


LOVE this one! That is the future I yearn for... focusing on this promise!



Miracle of Life
For You formed my inward parts; You covered me in my mother's womb.

Psalms 139:13


I will praise You, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made; Marvelous are Your works, And that my soul knows very well.

Psalms 139:14



I also found this site the other day. I wouldn't say that I necessarily agree with everything said here, but this chart is a beautiful reminder that since the very beginning, women have struggled with bearing children, and throughout the ages, God has answered their prayers.

Within the Golden Gates

I know, it's only been a few days, but all I promised was that my next blog would be un-TTC-related. And in case you missed it, promise fulfilled. So forgive me. Sometimes writing all these thoughts down is the only outlet I have for all the questions, emotions, thoughts, and feelings I have rolling around inside of me. So forgive me if this seems like a jumbled mess of thoughts... it's sometimes hard to articulate all the ideas and arguments at once.


We've probably all said it before, sometimes with earnest need, sometimes with a little sarcasm lightly covering anger or fear, but we've all said, "When I get to heaven, I'm going to ask...". I've got tons of these. The older I get the more I realize that Jesus praised childlike faith because, maybe, that's all we can really hope for here on earth. There is no way that my incredibly finite brain will ever comprehend the answers to all my questions. Even if God let me in on the big secrets, my little brain would probably explode before I could process the vastness of the plan. So I humor myself with promises that one day, "when I get to heaven", I'll get the answers to all my questions.

My current question is this: "Why can't everyone who wants to, be parents?" First response is probably something about population control, but my rebuttal to this would be, if the Duggars only got even two kids, SEVENTEEN other families could have at least one. Why are the children of the world so unevenly distributed? Why do some families seem to become pregnant each and every time they "pull the goalie" while others spend tens of thousands of dollars trying to create their family?

Obviously some couples seem better suited to parenthood than others, but that doesn't seem to have any bearing on pregnancy. Fourteen and fifteen year old girls certainly can't be the best suited or most certified mothers out there. And I know many young women in beautiful marriages that glorify God, who are desperate to start a family. In my lowly opinion, they would all make far better mothers, have far more to provide spiritually, emotionally, financially than literally millions of other mothers out there. It just doesn't make sense in my limited mind. I can't grasp what qualifies one over another.

Why is one woman's prayer answered with a miracle while another woman's prayers appear unanswered, her womb remains closed? There is only one God, and scripture says that he is FAITHFUL, period. Not that He is faithful on a whim, or occasionally, no, faithfulness is a description of our Father; therefore, he is ALWAYS faithful. It is a part of His character. It just seems so hard to remember this when you hear a new mom declare how amazed she is at "God's faithfulness" in answering her prayers for starting a family, for a healthy pregnancy, for a problem free delivery. It's hard not to question His faithfulness when your exact same prayers are not answered in the same way. Is it still faithfulness when you don't get what you asked? It is, I know this. Sometimes it's just hard for my heart and my head to agree.

Of course I'm praying desperately for conception these days. I literally pray for the little sperm to swim well and for my eggs to be healthy and ready (TMI?). I know that makes me crazy, but it seems too big right now to pray for a baby. That seems MILES down the road. So I pray for things like positive OPK's and fertile conditions when we baby dance. I am trying to stay incredibly optimistic through this process and believe that I will get my miracle, someday, some way. But then I think, unless we all get pregnant the same month, I'll be leaving the "TTC world" behind and joining the "God is so faithful, He answers all my prayers world". There will still be sweet friends who, in my humble opinion, are so deserving of a family. And I know I'll have to ask, why not them? Where is their answered prayer? It's just more than my inadequate brain can process these days. So I'll simply plug on, believing and trusting that no matter what He is FAITHFUL. And I'll save my questions for once I've crossed the threshold of those Golden Gates.

Festive Fourth

So I normally really like the Fourth of July. I'm a big fan of flashy, well orchestrated fireworks. However, I'm also a bit spoiled, as back home, we can witness the fireworks from my mom's house. So this holiday historically does not include sitting out in 100 degree weather waiting for dark.

I was severely bummed when work rejected my request off for the remainder of the week (but what's new). Especially since Sam and my mom ended up having the rest of the week off. It would have been an awesome opportunity to go home for a long weekend. However, that was not to be (aww, the joys of a mid-week holiday). So Sam and I decided to be SUPER boring and stay inside where there was abundant air conditioning all day.

Sam wan't into grilling out, so we ordered a couple of pizzas (buy one, get one) and rented a movie. Party time, right?

Pizza was delish (thin crust Hawaiian for me) and the movie was good. But we certainly weren't very patriotic. So I took care of that with the help of an easy, breezy recipe from Pinterest.

This recipe is seriously so easy. I made the brownies per the box recipe, but baked them in a 13" pizza pan to make it extra thin. The cream cheese icing is of course a breeze. Then it's just a matter of slicing fruit. I of course went for a red, white, and blue theme to add a little festivity to our day. But you could certainly substitute other fruits.

My one recommendation, if you aren't making this for a party, where it will be consumed immediately, I would do one of two things. Option 1, it certainly won't be as pretty, but only but fruit on half, or a quarter, or however much you think you will consume that day. Option 2, make small brownies, either by cutting out circles from the larger pie with cookie cutters, or baking them in smaller dishes to start. Essentially, the fruit breaks down once sliced rather quickly, and within 24 hours, it starts to liquify your icing and everything becomes pretty mushy. Not so appetizing.

So that's how the Greavu's celebrate the Fourth when it's 100+ outside. Hope you had a great holiday! Yours is probably still going on, so enjoy the rest of your long weekend everyone!

Some Days Are Better Than Others

So it's been a while since there was a TTC post. Two reasons, first, I'm trying to stay a little bit more sane now that we're trying again: less dwelling, more living. Secondly, I don't want my blog to turn into Amanda's sob story, or Amanda's how not to get pregnant story. But sometimes, trying to conceive is just really what's on my heart.

Today is one of those days. If you're super over the TTC posts, feel free to skip this one. I'll try to have something more helpful, fun, intelligent, etc. next time.

First, a quick update. Last week I had my appointment to check on the cysts. Praise the Lord, they are all gone! I was so nervous. I had to wait all day for the results from my ultrasound. After the ultrasound I was waiting to see the doctor one last time before we move, and he ends up in an emergency c-section. Bless his heart, he ended up delivering SIX babies that day. Yikes! But because he's pretty much the nicest doctor ever, he squeezed in a call to me between baby four and five to give me my results! So thankful for the good news!

So the plan is, unless my miracle comes this cycle, I'll start treatment in Atlanta as soon as we move home. So for that, I'm so thankful. Not really looking forward to the price tag attached to treatment, but I am so ready, one way or another, to have my miracle.

Now, what got me all stirred up today? Seriously, have you ever had one of those days where you're literally overwhelmed with emotion? That was me today. I was scanning through Pinterest, and WHAM! Before I could even scroll by on my phone, I feel tears rolling down my cheeks.

I'm pretty sure that I had seen this one before, and there are tons of cute pictures of kids all over Pinterest. Shoot, just about every friend has a bucket full of boards about the kids they have, the kids they are pregnant with, or the kids they plan to have. It usually doesn't get to me. But this one hit me right in the gut. I'll blame it on my period for two reasons. One, I started today, so that's always awesome, right? Super emotional, tired, cranky, cry at the drop of a hat: that's me. But secondly, starting my period once again is confirmation that no, I'm not pregnant, again.

Despite my tears, I pinned it. Why? I think more than most moms, I can resonate with this scripture. No, don't get me wrong, I know that all of my friends who got pregnant quickly and easily, or even accidentally, prayed for their child in the womb. But this is different. If you know the story of Hannah, you know she wasn't praying for the child she had, she was praying for the child she had been denied, the child she yearned for. The Bible literally says"the Lord had closed Hannah's womb" (1 Samuel 1:6).  Personally, I had never paid to much attention to the the first part of the book of Samuel. I think most of us pick up once Samuel begins to prophesy. But the story of Hannah has begun to mean a lot to me in the last few months. I can certainly resonate with her heartache, with her tears, with her jealousy. In fact, I've tossed around naming my miracle "Sam", especially if it's a boy. Sam threw out the name Samuel years ago, but the meaning "God heard" means a lot more these days, and I can totally understand Hannah's dedication in the name when she said his name would be Samuel, "because I asked the Lord for him" (1 Samuel 1:20).

So yea, when my miracle comes, you better believe this will be a "must" picture. Heck, it might even be a wall sized canvas in our house, because it will certainly be true: "I prayed for this child, and the Lord has granted me what I asked of him." (1 Samuel 1: 27)