Within the Golden Gates

I know, it's only been a few days, but all I promised was that my next blog would be un-TTC-related. And in case you missed it, promise fulfilled. So forgive me. Sometimes writing all these thoughts down is the only outlet I have for all the questions, emotions, thoughts, and feelings I have rolling around inside of me. So forgive me if this seems like a jumbled mess of thoughts... it's sometimes hard to articulate all the ideas and arguments at once.


We've probably all said it before, sometimes with earnest need, sometimes with a little sarcasm lightly covering anger or fear, but we've all said, "When I get to heaven, I'm going to ask...". I've got tons of these. The older I get the more I realize that Jesus praised childlike faith because, maybe, that's all we can really hope for here on earth. There is no way that my incredibly finite brain will ever comprehend the answers to all my questions. Even if God let me in on the big secrets, my little brain would probably explode before I could process the vastness of the plan. So I humor myself with promises that one day, "when I get to heaven", I'll get the answers to all my questions.

My current question is this: "Why can't everyone who wants to, be parents?" First response is probably something about population control, but my rebuttal to this would be, if the Duggars only got even two kids, SEVENTEEN other families could have at least one. Why are the children of the world so unevenly distributed? Why do some families seem to become pregnant each and every time they "pull the goalie" while others spend tens of thousands of dollars trying to create their family?

Obviously some couples seem better suited to parenthood than others, but that doesn't seem to have any bearing on pregnancy. Fourteen and fifteen year old girls certainly can't be the best suited or most certified mothers out there. And I know many young women in beautiful marriages that glorify God, who are desperate to start a family. In my lowly opinion, they would all make far better mothers, have far more to provide spiritually, emotionally, financially than literally millions of other mothers out there. It just doesn't make sense in my limited mind. I can't grasp what qualifies one over another.

Why is one woman's prayer answered with a miracle while another woman's prayers appear unanswered, her womb remains closed? There is only one God, and scripture says that he is FAITHFUL, period. Not that He is faithful on a whim, or occasionally, no, faithfulness is a description of our Father; therefore, he is ALWAYS faithful. It is a part of His character. It just seems so hard to remember this when you hear a new mom declare how amazed she is at "God's faithfulness" in answering her prayers for starting a family, for a healthy pregnancy, for a problem free delivery. It's hard not to question His faithfulness when your exact same prayers are not answered in the same way. Is it still faithfulness when you don't get what you asked? It is, I know this. Sometimes it's just hard for my heart and my head to agree.

Of course I'm praying desperately for conception these days. I literally pray for the little sperm to swim well and for my eggs to be healthy and ready (TMI?). I know that makes me crazy, but it seems too big right now to pray for a baby. That seems MILES down the road. So I pray for things like positive OPK's and fertile conditions when we baby dance. I am trying to stay incredibly optimistic through this process and believe that I will get my miracle, someday, some way. But then I think, unless we all get pregnant the same month, I'll be leaving the "TTC world" behind and joining the "God is so faithful, He answers all my prayers world". There will still be sweet friends who, in my humble opinion, are so deserving of a family. And I know I'll have to ask, why not them? Where is their answered prayer? It's just more than my inadequate brain can process these days. So I'll simply plug on, believing and trusting that no matter what He is FAITHFUL. And I'll save my questions for once I've crossed the threshold of those Golden Gates.