Still in the Trenches

It's Spring Break for 99% of the city of Athens and the town I call home is dead... it's glorious! I know, I know... don't call a college town home if you don't like college students. I actually love college students, but there's something rather spectacular about the quiet. About a city's streets carrying the amount of traffic they were actually intended to rather than an additional 30,000 motorists. Downtown is lovely, and peaceful, and not filled with students handing out flyers, blasting loud music, or smoking. (Geez, I sound old) Campus is a ghost town. It's similar to summer, except even better... only the zealous over achieving graduate and professional students remain.

The quiet is really nice... something this introvert really relishes. But it also opens up the ability to reflect and ruminate. Today I find myself realizing something. It is both amazing and disheartening; both exciting and frustrating; both exhilarating and draining. That thing is this: I'm getting left behind. Day by day, my friends climb out of the trenches of infertility and start the next chapter. And that is INCREDIBLE and about ten other positive adjectives in all caps. It's what we're all hoping for, praying for, fighting for. I know anyone who has ever been in the trenches knows what I'm talking about. You're fighting side by side with some of the most beautiful, inspiring, lovely women you've ever met. For a while it's all, "we've got this," but then suddenly you look to your right and where there were ten fellow fighters, there are two. You quickly look to your left and find that they too have all, every last one, climbed out of the pit. No, actually, there is one left, but she's on the final rung of the ladder, and not for one moment do you want to call her back, or tell her to wait. You give her the thumbs up and smile as tears stream down.

Slowly but surely, it happens to us all. In the course of anyone's journey, if you find yourself stuck in the trenches long enough, you will find yourself looking left and right and wondering, "where did everyone go?" I suddenly find myself there. It's not an actual baby boom, but more of a revelation... the longer I stay, the more I'll have to say goodbye. I really hate goodbyes. The goodbyes are sweet for sure. I'm so incredibly happy for all of my friends. The point of the journey is to get out, to cross over, to move on... it's beautiful when it happens. But no matter what, even if they stick around to blog, something changes. To no fault of anyone, the relationship changes. The commiserating comments and words of shared frustration change to positive, happy, blissful words of encouragement. It becomes, "don't give up; your day's coming" as if once out of the trenches the memory and fear of never crawling out somehow begins to fade. The relationship, while valid, and beautiful, and worth continuing, changes.

I personally don't dislike reading about bumps and bibs and bottles and birthdays. Seriously nothing puts a smile on my face faster than a bump update from Aubrey. That girl fought so hard... she deserves every single moment of this and then some. But there are inevitably the moments where I am left without words to share. When we're all in the trenches there is a sisterhood of shared experiences. We've all got something to share whether that's "my first time on climid..." or "my follicles grew 4mm in one day..." or "I had a weird reaction to that medication too!" or "my husband's counts really improved after...". Months and years go by where I feel a connection solely based on experience... we live in different cites, come from different faiths, exist in different socioeconomic levels... but we're all here fighting (in different ways) for the same thing. There is always something to say. And then suddenly she has outpaced me and I have no clue why a Dr. Brown's glass baby bottle matters or whether a Moby wrap is better than a K'tan. Do I say, "I have no idea about any of that, but I'm excited you're making these fun decisions" or does that feel like a subtle reminder that she is there and I am not?

This post was never intended to be a discussion on our relationships during and "after" infertility. Really it's just my musings as I realize that my friends are climbing out and crossing over. And like I said it's AMAZING... but it's also kind of lonely. And yes, there are always more women learning of their diagnosis. There will always be women turning to blogging and starting the journey with this beautiful community. But hunting new blogs feels daunting and overwhelming. I love the serendipitous ways I've encountered my friends over the years. To sit down and actually search out new blogs feels forced and tiring... kind of a "will you sit beside me at lunch?" kind of thing.

So where to from here? I don't know. It's always hard to know, because you never know how long you'll actually be in the trenches. But one thing I certainly think I should do is take a moment to celebrate the BEAUTIFUL women I love who have crawled or are crawling out of the trenches. I'm so, so  happy for you ladies. You have fought the good fight... you deserve every blissful moment and then some.

Second trimester and beyond:
Amanda @ beloved burnt toast: 26 weeks
Emily @ Eat Love Procreate: 17 weeks
Hopeful and Hungry: 18 weeks
Kimberly @ No Good Eggs: twin boy and girl 27 weeks
Annie @ Sweetest in the Gale: 16 weeks
Em @ Teach Me to Braid: twins 32 weeks
Team Hop: 23 weeks
Rebecca @ The Road Less Traveled: 27 weeks
Aubrey @ Two Hearts and One Dream: twins 21 weeks
Mrs. Lost @ Where is That Bird?: twins 20 weeks


Out of the trenches (Fall 13-Spring 14):
dspence @ Donating Hope: baby boy born March 5, 2014
Ali @ Here I Go Again: baby girl born March 1, 2014
Genny @ His Plan, Our Journey: baby girl born October 8, 2013
Sara-Lynn @ Home Grown Love: twin boys born October 16, 2013
Lentil @ Lamenting the Lentil: twin boy and girl born February 19, 2014
Lindsey @ Operation Baby Gage: baby boy born February 11, 2014
Rain Before Rainbow: baby girl born February 27, 2014
Ready for My Turn: twin girls born November 18, 2013
Laura @ The Adventures of an Infertile Myrtle: baby girl born February 16, 2014
Allison@ The Blogivers: baby girl born November 1, 2013
Emily @ The Empty Uterus: baby girl born February 6, 2014
Jennie @ You've Been Sass'd: baby boy born September 29, 2013

And to the ladies who are a few steps up the ladder: we are all rooting for you. Keep climbing girls!

First trimester:
Julia @ Finding a Way Out of IF
Infertile 625 @  Hidden Infertility
Conceptionally Challenged
Kasey@ Stupid Broken Eggs
Beth@ Beth & Harrison Slatery

I'll be honest, I shed a few tears putting that list together. We're going to blame it on my estrogen levels. It is incredible to look over a list like this… someone, somewhere beats infertility every day. And honestly, I'm so glad it's you girls. You are beautiful, beautiful women and I know you'll be fantastic mothers. Congratulations to you all!