On the Calendar

Well, it appears that IVF somehow brought my body as close to "normal" in terms of cycle length as I've ever been… strange. January's post-failed IVF cycle was 28 days. That never happens. I was expecting to start some time this week, but instead I started last Thursday night. My nurse said to call Friday CD 1 though as I needed to start Estradiol on the first day. So it's official, I'm less than two weeks away from a Frozen Embryo Transfer. Odd. After all the fuss with IVF, an FET feels pretty boring.

We're still not 100% sure exactly what we're doing with the embryos, growing all six to day 5, or transferring the best two on day 3. If I had to say today, we're transferring an 8 cell and a 9 cell embryo on day 3. My doctor really hasn't given much direction on this, but based on the comments from the IVF Nurse Coordinator, this seems like the wisest route. Basically she said if we really want to transfer something, it's our best bet as the doctor isn't sure that we'd even get a blast if we grew all six to day 5. Talk about a confidence booster.

Which pretty much sums up my feelings on the subject… I'm in need of a major confident boost. I know that there's a chance of success, and I know that once they transfer the embryos, I will have glimmers of hope no matter what, but going into this, I just can't really scrounge up a lot of "this is it" and "it's our time" type feelings. This feels more like the next step we have to take before we can move on to whatever the next, next step is. It essentially feels like a waste of money, time, and energy, but I simply can't discard or even leave those embryos behind. I said I'd give them all a chance and I feel required to do just that. So that's what we're going to do: we're going to give our next best two embryos, both graded 3 due to fragmentation of cells, a chance.

In the mean time, I don't know if I should feel pleased that I'm cool, calm, and unconcerned because this big weight of hope is missing or if I should feel terrible for a lack of faith, both in my God and my babies. I mean I fully believe that He can show up and do mighty things to bring one or both of these embryos home to me, I'm just not so sure that He will. If that's a lack of faith, well then call it what it is, but that's where I sit. I fully believe that Jesus can do ANYTHING, I'm just not sure if He'll choose to do the ONE THING I'm asking.

In the mean time though, I've racked my brain for hours trying to think of some success stories from day 3 grade 3 embryos… this is the time when you can tell me all those "my brother's fiancé's sister's best friend" stories. Really, lay them on me. I can't seem to really even find all that many ladies in my community with day 3 embryos… there are a few, but the grades are better. And that's kind of where my head is these days. I hear a success story, but then immediately think, "but she had day 5 embryos, and the doctor doesn't think mine will even make it to day 5, let alone the nursery". Or I'll read a story of a positive beta from day 3 embryos, but then my mind goes to, "but she had grade 1 or 2 embryos… they were pretty much perfect". When I call the clinic, even the nurses are always shocked to read the file that says day 3 embryos. "Oh, I just assumed you'd have blasts, honey; you're so young," they say, "I'm sorry." Yeah, me too lady, me too.

So that's where we are. I'm doing a lining and estrogen level check locally next Wednesday. If everything looks good, Sam and I will head to Jacksonville Saturday for a Sunday morning transfer. My protocol seems really wimpy and pathetic next to everyone else's extensive list of medications for an FET, so I'm just hoping that these teeny little blue pills are, in fact, doing something fabulous with my lining.

Send me your success stories friends! The FET is on the calendar for March 16th. I've got 12 days to get my head on straight regarding this transfer.