Unsolicited Advice

I really don't know exactly what it is about the human race that causes us to need to give advice, but we all do it. We all want to be problem solvers specifically. I'm guilty of it too. Growing up, my nickname was "Mother Merritt"... I think it was in large part because I was a fixer. Tell me your problem and I'd find a solution, patch up the friendship, find you a date to the middle school dance, etc. Our advice and problem solving is usually well intentioned, but often times life would be better if we could all learn to zip our mouths. The more friends I have who gain the title of "Mom", the more stories I hear of rampant unsolicited advice. Neighbors, in-laws, mailmen, friends, cashiers, etc. give advice in the grocery store, at work, over Sunday dinner... it's really unavoidable.

Now I (obviously) don't deal with advice about Pampers vs cloth diapers, or sleep training, or temper tantrums, but unfortunately I often deal with unsolicited advice in terms of infertility. And the strange thing is that 99% of the time, I know it's from people who mean well and actually love us. Unfortunately, that's not always how it comes across. I wish people could hear their comments through my ears; hear what I hear.

There are always my favorite pieces of  advice, the old standbys such as "just relax," "take a vacation," or "just adopt; you'll be pregnant in no time." I'd like to take this moment and share a little public service announcement if I may. If your advice begins with "just," keep it to yourself. There is nothing simple about infertility, and the fact that some people think they can simplify it and solve it with "just ______" is not only frustrating, it's insulting. Think about it from this perspective: Imagine you own your own business, and you're in the red for the third quarter in a row. If a friend says "just relax," does that feel helpful? And as to a vacation... have mercy. I'm certainly willing to take anyone's advice if they are paying, but unfortunately we spent almost 40% of our income last year on medical expenses. That doesn't leave a lot of room for Cancun or Vail. Sad trombones. And as for the weird wives' tale that adoption leads to a pregnancy... goodness, don't get me started.  If that was really my intention, if the only reason I pursued adoption was so that I'd get pregnant, wow, let's just sum that up in one word: TERRIBLE. That is horrible advice, and I'd be a horrible person if I took it. Agreed?

Sometimes people have more "medically" related advice. These helpful people know of an herb or a tea or a pill that will fix me up in no time. Or I often hear from people encouraging me to overhaul my diet, eliminate all the food groups I actually like and eat brussel sprouts for the rest of my days because brussel sprouts (ick) have healing infertility properties or whatever the case may be. I'm never going to deny that eating healthier would benefit me... I'm pretty sure it would benefit anyone. However, I really don't think tea and kale are the cure to our infertility issues. Maybe I'm wrong, but I just don't. It's not that I don't want to hear about the magical pouch of joo joo or the wonders of lima beans... really, I'm not hating on being healthy. I simply don't want to be bombarded with "try this" or "have you thought about this?" constantly. No one wants to be judged: the fact that I ate three quarters of a container of Ben & Jerry's Salter Caramel Core ice cream doesn't mean I don't want  a baby bad enough... it means I just heard about a whole heck of a lot of babied made the old fashioned way.

The last category of people are, sadly, the ones for which I have the least patience. These are the well intentioned people who say things because they need to sound spiritual, or hate silence, want to be encouraging, etc. Phrases such as "give it to God," "pray about it," and "let God take control" just about push me over the edge these days. For the most part when someone shares advice like this in person, I try to steer the conversation elsewhere, and thus far, I have withheld my initial reaction which is to punch them in the face. If the comments come via Facebook, I contemplate deleting the person, but I typically just go eat a cookie. Here's the thing I wish I could get across; it's actually kind of Biblical: examine your own life with an equally fine toothed comb, before you make assumptions about someone else. I guarantee that we all have areas of our lives that we should pray about more or relinquish control of... that's the nature of being broken people with messy lives. But I would never point out another person's area... it's kind of the whole "plank in the eye" idea here. And again, the fact that someone assumes that Sam and I are not praying about our infertility or that we don't relinquish our hopes and dreams to the Lord, well, it's insulting. We should all just make this deal with one another: "I promise I won't point out your marriage problems, money issues, child rearing problems, medical issues, etc. and offer platitudes for solving all of YOUR problems, so I'd appreciate the same. Okay?" It's really that simple.

As I said, I'm 100% sure I used to be as guilty as the next person of offering "advice" in the name of helping. But once you have an area of your life where you regularly receive this type of aid, I guess you just grow more sensitive to it. It just gets old. There is one thing I've learned over the years and it's this: the thing about unsolicited advice, in all situations, is that it's all about the delivery of the advice. Believe me, I've had some friends and mentors sit me down over a yummy lunch or a nice cup of coffee and say some really hard things to me over the years. Things about not wasting my present season, things about loving my husband better, things about putting infertility treatments on hold until we got our finances in order... those things were HARD to hear. But it is so much easier to accept advice when it comes from someone willing to take the time to actually share why they feel that way.

If you REALLY think that your friend needs to try an herbal concoction, well take her to lunch, give her the tea, and tell her why you think it's awesome. Even if she thinks you're crazy, she can't fault you for caring enough to do all of that. That speaks love way more effectively than a comment on Facebook. In the same way, if you earnestly care about a friend, instead of offering a quick "let God take control," try a coffee date, and give her the opportunity to talk. You will have created much more fertile ground for your advice, and you can offer to pray for her rather than offer wisdom at her. I'm telling you, delivery makes all the difference.

In terms of infertility specifically, the internet is filled with blogs and websites that offer help if you're wondering what you should and should not say to your infertile friend or family. I myself did one way back when... check it out if you need some helpful hints on what to say when there are no words. There are a lot of things that should just not be said because they are really never, ever helpful. But there are a lot of things that exist in a more gray area, and it's all about the way you deliver it. I imagine that this principle can be extrapolated into pretty much any area. Mothers everywhere are nodding their heads as they remember the "advice" from the well-meaning neighbor who just had to share about the dangers of some toy she saw in the yard the other day. Delivery is everything people... if it's a burning need down deep in your soul to help, find an appropriate way to deliver your advice.Your relationships will be better for it.