What to Say When There are No Words

Since I outed myself to the world as fertility challenged, I've had my fair share of awkward conversations. Sometimes it's awkward because the friend doesn't know what to say, and sometimes it's awkward because I have no words to reply to her asinine comment. Most recently, I've had numerous conversations in which people have iterated that they "have no words". Well, that makes two of us. But in all seriousness, there are things to say and not to say. Well, I'm here to help you navigate the land mine that is infertility etiquette.

The odds are good if you have many friends between the ages of 25-45 that you currently know at least one person in the grips of this awful condition. You may not know it. They may not be sharing. So my advice, is to tread lightly around baby subjects with anyone. If someone doesn't respond with equal fervor to your announcement that you "think you're ready to have a baby" or your "wouldn't an autumn baby be nice" comment, then just chill. And if you actually do know that a friend is struggling, recognize that you're on thin ice. Tread carefully and wisely and your friend will love you for it. You can be a major benefit to her in some of the darkest times of her life.

We will start off our etiquette lesson with:

What NOT to Say

1. RELAX- Do not say "relax", "just let it happen", or "take a vacation". None of these things are cures for infertility. Relaxing is practically impossible when you're strung out on meds and planning every day of the month around doctor's appointments. If you're friend is infertile, then rest assured, she tried the "we're not trying, we're just not NOT trying" thing. Obviously that's a "no go" for her. And taking a vacation, while it sounds blissful is probably the last thing on her mind. If she's in treatment, she's spending all her pennies on meds and appointments. Chilling on a beach is probably not her top priority. And even if it was, it will most likely not be the cure. Otherwise, we would all be on extended hiatuses to Hawaii. 
2. Do NOT Complain about your Pregnancy- It's mind boggling to me that people would do this, but it's happened to me numerous times and I constantly read about it from other bloggers. The fact that your stomach hurts, you can only eat saltines, your ankles are swollen, or your boobs are huge is not a topic of conversation that we can participate in. So just don't complain about it. If you want to trade "I feel icky" stories, I'm sure most IFers can go toe to toe with you, but be prepared for butt shots, stomach shots, vaginal suppositories, and a whole lot more. So please just remember that we would very obviously accept whatever "horror" you are living through to be in your EXACT shoes. Your infertile friend would give anything to experience the discomforts you are enduring because those discomforts come from a BABY growing inside of you. STOP COMPLAINING!
3. Do NOT Offer Consolation Prizes- I can't tell you how many people have said things to me like, "well, at least you can eat/drink whatever you want" or "at least your clothes fit". If you think about this for one, tiny second, you'll realize the error here. Eating fish and drinking a glass of wine is not compensation for the inability to get pregnant. And if you actually talk to your friend, the odds are extremely high, that they are living with an incredibly restrictive diet either self imposed or to maintain their diagnosis (like PCOS or Endometriosis). Their clothes probably don't fit either. If the stress and depression haven't taken their toll, then the meds probably have. So while yes, I may binge on caffeinated beverages during my period, no number of Starbucks lattes or Diet Cokes will make me feel better about not being pregnant. Again.
4. Do NOT Compare- This has happened to me a lot. A friend asks when I want children. I politely say, "we'd love them now. We've been trying for a while, and are now pursuing fertility treatments". Friend responds with their own awfulness like, "yea, we've been trying to buy a house. It's been awful". Those things are NOT the same. You're house hunting drama, while significant, and personal, is not even on the same scale as not being able to have a child. We can certainly discuss your homeownership woes, but the time is not after I just said I can't have a baby. Even if your situation is equally or somehow greater, it's not the time to compare. If your friend tells you that she miscarried her baby, don't say, "my grandmother died last month". It's awful your grandmother died. But trying to trump the fact that her baby died is not helpful. 
5. "It Will Happen"- You don't know that. I get that this is an off the cuff, immediate, go-to response upon hearing someone is struggling, but please hear this: it may not. Your friend is desperately hoping she'll be one of the lucky ones, but depending on how far she is along her journey, she may be coming to terms with the fact that not everyone gets a take home baby. Minimizing your friends struggle and shrugging it off with a flippant answer like "it'll happen" only makes your friend feel inferior that it hasn't already and like you don't recognize the reality: there is a MEDICAL problem.
6. Do NOT Offer Medical Advice- Stories like, "My great aunt Sally used birth control for 10 years and doctors say she can't have babies now" are not helpful. If your friend took birth control, it's done. She can't undo it. She probably wishes she could. I do. Not because I necessarily believe birth control pills are the root of all evil, but I spent hundreds of dollars on those stupid pills for no reason. Other stories like, "my friend's friend did IVF and she like, got pregnant with triplets"  are also not helpful. I guarantee you that your friend knows more about the medical options available to her than you do. 

Things to Say

1. I'm Sorry- This is GOLDEN. Can't think of anything to say? Just say "I'm sorry that you and your spouse have to go through this." 
2. I'm Here for You- This goes along with "I'm thinking of you" or "I've been praying for you". All of these things simply let your friend know that you care. So often it feels like all the fertile friends are moving on in their lives, while we IFers are forgotten because we can't plan nurseries or schedule play dates. Just let your friend know that you may not get it, but you care.

And for those of you out there who are really, truly interested in hearing your friend's story, go ahead and ask. Just be sensitive. If your friend has allowed this secret to leak, the odds are that she's cool discussing her journey. Most of us would just be thrilled that someone who isn't infertile cares. A party or baby shower is probably not the place for the story, but just tell your friend, "I heard what you and your spouse have been going through. I'd love to sit down sometime and hear your story. No pressure, but if you're ever interested in a cup of coffee, I'm all ears." If she says no, drop it. But she'll probably love to discuss it with a real, live human that is not her spouse, mom, etc. Just make a note of the above things NOT to say during the conversation. 

I know it seems like an explosive situation in which you can't win. There are far more "don'ts" than "do's". But if you're really interested in being their for your friend while she walks this journey, it's in your best interest to know what hurts and what helps. Don't give up on your friend. She has very likely shed more tears in the last weeks, months, or years than in her whole life. She wants to be a fun-loving, easy-going girl, but sometimes she needs an ear to listen and a shoulder to cry on. Be there.