Head in the Game

Confession time: I threw a MAJOR pity party last week. My head was totally out of sorts. I was allowing myself to give up on this round and feel sorry for myself. I felt like I had a one-way ticket to IVF. I got super depressed and allowed myself to stay there.

Why was I in such a funk? Well I spoke with my nurse who mentioned that it would be good to get a consult on the books in case this cycle fails (boost of confidence, right?). I totally get that she was just making sure that I can move forward as quickly as I'm ready, but it wasn't what I needed to hear that day. I asked if this consultation would be for IVF, and I received a confirmative. If this cycle fails, they will recommend IVF. I knew this, but hearing it just made it so much more real. So that was a low point on Tuesday. Then Wednesday I spoke with her to say that there's no real rush to schedule the appointment. Without even knowing the price, we don't have the money. She casually mentioned that a ball park figure is $12,000 for IVF. Despite the astronomical number, at first I was thinking, "huh, not as bad as I thought. I was scared it would $15,000." But then she followed that up with "and then the meds are between $2,000 and $5,000." EXCUSE ME?!?!?!? I had in my head that IVF was between $10,000 and $15,000 and that was bad enough, but $17,000!!!!! Are you kidding me?

So you can see why I was a little bummed. It's not that I don't think a baby would be worth $17,000; I thoroughly believe it would be completely worth it. But this is the thing: that money doesn't buy you a baby; it buys you the chance of a baby, about a 60% chance to be exact. So it is completely realistic to assume you might have to do this more than once. I can't even fathom how long it would take Sam and I to save $17,000 dollars. And that's just one shot.

But, I am DONE with worrying about it. Do you hear me? I'm done (for now). We're in the middle of an IUI cycle and we need to give it every opportunity to succeed. So new protocol from here on out.

One thing I am not going to do… I'm not going to worry about being stressed. This is stressful. End of story. But worrying about what the stress is doing isn't helping anything. I read this article the other day and one of the talking points was that stress is inevitable in this, so find easy, simple ways to deal with it if you can, and just accept it. Basically the message is that stress from the treatment is not going to prevent success. What a relief! I loved this quote,"Stress is not contraception. If it were, no one in New York would get pregnant." Haha! Wonderful!

New week, new attitude. I had a fabulous, relaxing weekend, and for now, my head is in the game. I'm going to do EVERYTHING I possibly can to make this cycle successful. No more diet cokes, not even the caffeine free variety. I'm going to eat as many fruits and veggies as possible and limit the sweets and junk food. I'm going to try to get some exercise, whether elliptical, walking, or yoga at least 5 times a week. I'm simply going to try to be as healthy physically and emotionally as I can to give this last IUI the best chance of success I can. If it fails, I'll know that we tried everything possible. And we will decide at that point how and when we will cross the IVF bridge.

So wish me luck and start the prayers. Mid-cycle check is Friday. I want 3-5 big, beautiful follicles and a gorgeous uterine lining.