Rat Race

Does anybody ever get out of this rat race?

I was reminded Saturday at my IUI that, as sad as it is, a positive pregnancy test does not mean a take home baby. I'm not trying to be dramatic, and I know I've got to keep a positive attitude during the next two weeks, but oh, my heart was aching for the woman in the room beside me. Just moments before my IUI, I heard screaming. Not joyous screaming, not scared screaming, but wailing, hair wrenching, gut twisting, screaming. And then the crying. The sobbing took over. I'm not sure what was happening, but my guess is that her ultrasound delivered bad news (there were ultrasound photos outside the room when I left). Obviously it wasn't a pregnancy test result as those are delivered over the phone. It didn't sound like just bad news either, it sounded like someone died, literally. My heart broke for her. Whoever she is.

My IUI went fine. Numbers wise, it was the worst IUI to date, but it is what it is. I've somewhat come to terms with this IUI. Either it works, or it doesn't, and stressing, analyzing, and researching what each number means statistically will not change the end result. It is all out of my hands at this point; all I can do is keep my body as healthy as possible so that if we fertilize our little egg, we have the best chance of implanting and staying put.

This is all that I'm going to allow myself to focus on in the two weeks ahead. There will be plenty of time to discuss IVF, what went wrong, and what to do in the meantime after the pregnancy test. There will be tons of time to worry about keeping myself pregnant if I ever get pregnant.

But this past week in particular, I was reminded that two pink lines, a heartbeat, and even a live birth does not guarantee a take home baby. And this is heartbreaking. FIVE of the bloggers that I follow are currently suffering through a miscarriage. TWO are in the waiting days for their first or next betas to confirm or deny the home pregnancy tests. My cousin's cousin delivered a beautiful baby boy at 23 weeks, and she buried him on Wednesday. And then the poor lady at the doctor. My heart is hurting for all of them. It really is soooooooo unfair. I get that life isn't fair. I get that for the most part, we are an incredibly blessed people who have far more than others. But in this, life is not fair. It seems to kick us even when we are down. Just when it seems that one of us might actually escape this endless maze, we find ourselves staring at another dead end.

So I ask again, does anyone ever get out of this rat race?