It happened, right? I really did get pregnant, right? I mean, I remember the HPT results; it clearly stated in all caps POSITIVE. I remember the phone call: "you're pregnant, but you may be miscarrying." I remember the emotional pain of seeing those first drops of blood. I remember the physical pain that lasted for says. It happened, right?
It makes no sense, but I'm starting to wonder if it was real. The longer we spend trying and the more medical procedures fail, the more I wonder how/if I was ever really pregnant. If I really did get pregnant in our 4th month of trying all on my own, with no medical intervention, then doesn't it follow that 14 months and 8 active cycles later that I would be pregnant again? Everything about me is monitored now from temperature to estradiol levels. From uterine lining to follicle size. And they are literally cleaning all the junk off the swimmers, selecting the fittest and fastest and placing them directly inside of me on ovulation day. I don't get it. This should have worked already.
We (thankfully) do not have any deal-breaker diagnoses. We have swimmers. Lots of them. We have eggs. I ovulate (all by my big girl self too). Those are the keys to success. No missing ingredients here. So what exactly is the freaking deal?!?!??
Were you real little one? I hate that I'm questioning your existence. I promised I would never forget you, and now I'm not sure that I didn't dream you into existence. Were you real?
It was real and you were pregnant. You are right - there are no deal-breakers. So you CAN get pregnant but I know the frustration is WHY NOT NOW!
ReplyDeleteStill praying...
That baby was real and you will see him/her in Heaven one day. Just like I'll see the first baby I lost ...
ReplyDeleteI hate reading what you're having to go through and I don't understand it. I don't understand why God allows these trials. :( I'm praying for peace in your life.
Love, Sara