Stressin'

How do you de-stress when everything about TTC (trying to conceive) is stressful. Charting is supposed to make you feel in control, empowered... it makes me feel helpless, like I'm a freak. I know now what is supposed to happen... My CF should move from dry to wet as I approach ovulation, my LH (luteinizing hormone) should surge 12-36 hours before ovulation, the day after ovulation my temperature should spike, my CF should quickly dry up, and my temp should stay elevated above my cover line until dropping right before starting my period, or better yet, not drop for 18 days indicating pregnancy. In essence a chart should look like this:

But what about when your chart looks like mountain peaks and the software tells you your chart has conflicting data?What happens when your chart looks like this:

Stress can supposedly delay ovulation, dry up your CF, and sometimes even make you annovulatory (not ovulating)... S0 my goal is to chart my stats about five times a day, meticulously plan intercourse, and yet not stress as I speedily inch closer to thirty everyday... yea right!

Weary of Worry

It's biblical not to worry. God demands faith in him for our needs and desires. So let me confess: this is my greatest sin right now. I am in a constant state of worry. My BBT, and CF, and OPK tests don't match up... I worry. I eat heavy Italian food, no, correction, I gorge myself on fattening garlic butter roles, pan-fried chicken covered in tomato sauce and cheese, probably consuming a weeks worth of calories in one sitting... I worry. I drink a diet coke... I worry. I'm in a continuous cycle of second guessing every decision in regards to conceiving. It's one worry after another, after another.

I'm so completely jealous of my friends who, by some happy miracle, just discover that they are pregnant. Here I am eating healthier that I have in my entire life, rarely consuming even 100mg of caffeine, taking prenatal vitamins, never consuming alcohol, and I'm not even pregnant.

Today I heard a friend discussing how she had a glass of wine before she even knew she was pregnant. Instead of thinking, that could happen to anybody, I immediately think you shouldn't be consuming alcohol if you are having unprotected sex. I know, it's her body, her baby, and the odds are that everything will be fine. But oh, it is so hard to see people nonchalantly shrug off alcohol consumption while pregnant or drinking coffee everyday without any cares or worries. Especially when I'm worried sick about EVERYTHING!

Patience is a Virtue

They say patience is a virtue; it's one that I don't have. I'm trying so very hard to trust in the Lord and believe that his timing and plan is far more perfect than mine. But lets be honest, we say things like that often thinking that at some point God's plan and our plan will match up, it's all about the timing. But what terrifies me: what if God's plan is that I am barren and no amount of modern medicine can help me to conceive?

If I had some kind of a promise... a promise that some day, some way, I'd deliver a child of my very own, I think I could have more patience. So maybe, it's not just patience that I need, but FAITH!!!

2012 Reading List

So where have we been and what have we been doing that has kept us so obviously missing from the blog world? Nothing... that's the problem. Life has been one endless series of days that involve crawling out of bed, going to work, sitting watching the clock, coming home to eat dinner, and going to bed. That's me at least. Sam, on the other hand, has done all kinds of fun things, like a week long trip to Haiti and a camping trip with his classmates, but I can't convince him to blog.

So how do I track that these next several months (7 to be exact) are in fact moving forward? Checking off my reading list!

I'll start with what I've accomplished so far this year:

Millenium Trilogy by Stieg Larson

My mom said I had to read them, as she wants to see the movie. I was hesitant at first, but pleasantly surprised! Excellent series! The first one, The Girl with the Dragon tattoo, was definitely my favorite, but the series as a whole is a must!

Hunger Games Trilogy by Suzanne Collins

This is a series I've been wanting to read for a while, but I've been trying to read only free books for a while now. Thanks to some Christmas gift cards, voila! They are fast reads, and kind of short, which was a little disappointing. I read each in a day, so it was over way too fast, but these are EXCELLENT! I don't think I'd let my ten year old read them (personal preference), but teenagers and adults will love them! I'm super excited about the movie! I just hope the girl who plays Katniss is AWESOME! Don't let me down!

Okay, now onto the books that I want to read this year:

For Fun:

Hurt by Travis Thrasher

Temptation by Travis Thrasher

Brisingr by Christopher Paolini

Inheritance by Christopher Paolini

My Blood Approves series by Amanda Hocking

A Dance with Dragons by George R R Martin

And no cover image yet, but I'm hopeful:

A Memory of Light by Brandon Sanderson & Robert Jordan

For Faith:

Rocking the Roles by Robert Lewis & William Hendricks

Choosing to Cheat by Andy Stanley

One Thousand Gifts by Ann Voskamp

Crazy Love by: Francis Chan

Love & Respect by : Emerson Eggerichs

I'll probably read quite a number more than just these, but I'm looking forward to each!