Six of One, Half a Dozen Another

This one is hard you guys. There's something about six months that feels more important, even epic. I guess it's the half of a year thing. I had a friend growing up who LOVED her half birthday. I don't really remember thinking of myself as 14 and a half, but gosh, she sure loved April 8. I still think about her every year on her half birthday. Tuesday was Garrison's half birthday and I felt like I could just lay in bed all day long and cry and hold him, except he's 6 months old and he doesn't want to lay in bed all day with his mama, which of course made me want to cry more. But whatever, six months has arrived. Let's face the music.

Nicknames: Bupsie, Goobsie, Little Butt, Bubba, Fussy Butt.

Heyyyyy mom.

Stats: 14 lbs 6 oz and 25 inches long…he basically grew exactly 1 inch and gained 1 pound in a month. I had a momentary panic attack as this growth rate is less than half of what it was a month ago, but I guess this is pretty typical??? Once I actually plotted the numbers on the chart I saw that he's between the 2nd and 5th percentile lines for both height and weight…basically where he was last month too. So while it wasn't a large growth month, he's not falling off the chart. Counting our blessings. He moved into size 2 disposable diapers last weekend and he's still in size 3-6 month clothes.

Eating: I thought I was going to write the exact same dadgum thing as last month and the month before, but I think he's hit a bit a of a growth spurt, or at least he seems a bit hungrier. He's eating 5 oz for most of his bottles. I know, I know...epic news. Up from 4.5 oz. He really keeps me on my toes.

We haven't started solids yet. My plan was to start at six months, but everything I read says that to start solids they really need to be able to sit up. This is super important with baby led weaning which is our goal. He sits TERRIBLY in my lap. He either slouches forward and drops his head, or he digs his heels in until he propels himself into a semi standing position. He does a bit better in the high chair, but sill won't really hold his head up unless something with flashing lights and sounds attracts him. I'm going to talk to the pediatrician about it at his appointment and see if she thinks it's safe to start.

Sleeping: There was a terrible week right after 5 months where I swore I broke him. He started waking up every night at 2 or 3 am, but he wasn't hungry. I was terrified that I had ruined all of the hard work we'd put it in to get him to sleep through the night. And then suddenly, he just stopped waking up again. I have no idea what that was about, but I've come to understand that middle of the night awakenings will probably happen periodically. This doesn't mean that he forgot how to sleep and he'll likely snap back into the groove again soon. Thankfully, he's still a great night time sleeper. He's a TERRIBLE napper. As in, daycare recorded an all new low. He actually had a documented FIVE MINUTE nap. Yeah. Terrible napper. I've recently changed his schedule in an effort to consolidate the naps (from four to three). I'm praying this helps, but ultimately, I can't complain. As long as mama gets to sleep at night, all is right with the world.

Sometimes we cheat and let him sleep on his mama,
just so we can get through one sleep cycle.

Likes: Garrison still loves bath time. He enjoys splashing and he loves when I drip water on him. I've just started letting him play with a few toys in the bath…it's not much different from outside of the bath. All toys go straight to the mouth.

Garrison has a new toy that he LOVES. While it makes me want to bash my head in ("beep, beep…puppy wants to go for a ri-ide." ughhhhh) it's actually proving to be a pretty great toy. It's super engaging and the best part is that he's intrigued enough to hold his stinking head up.

Beep, beep!

Garrison still loves his exersaucer, but I rarely let him get in it. His toes still don't touch on the lowest setting, so we're trying to follow the PT's rules. Every now and then I let him play for 10 minutes though and he LOVES it. 

His favorite spinning toy.

Dislikes: Speaking of PT, I think that would be Garrison's most hated thing at the moment. Or at least he hates being forced to exercise. Bless it. Me too, buddy. We started out seeing a PT and OT for assessments…just to make sure he was staying on track developmentally. As he's a preemie, everyone expects him to be a bit behind, but it's important that he eventually catch up, so these appointments help his pediatrician gauge how he's doing. However, at his three month PT appointment, the physical therapist wanted to see him in a month to reevaluate. Then at his four month appointment she still felt a follow-up appointment was important. Then at his five month, it all hit the fan and she decided he needs weekly appointments. Plus the occupational therapist got pulled into things and we now see her every two weeks. So weekly PT appointments plus OT appointments every other week plus all the exercises that we're supposed to do multiple times a day…it's a lot. I'm trying not to stress. It's hard though. I get precious few minutes with Garrison where we're not supposed to be doing something…eating, changing diapers, napping, bathing, bed time routine. It all eats up the few daytime hours I have with him, so I hate to spend the minutes I do have making him exercise, especially when he's mad and screaming about it. Ultimately, I know it's for the best though, and I'm pretty excited for the prospect that he'll eventually stop being so dang lazy and hold his head up. Mama's got big plans.

So. Much. Tummy. Time.

Looking forward to: You guys, it's almost fall. Around here that means FOOTBALL. Garrison isn't allowed to watch TV, so this should be an interesting football season. I'm pretty pumped to dress him in cute Georgia clothes though. I'm also super excited about picture day at his daycare, the potential to go to a fall festival/corn maze/pumpkin patch because what else do you do in the fall with your little family?!?! Also, halloween!!! Halloween is my least favorite holiday times a million, BUT if I get to dress my baby up in some adorable outfit, I'm allllll over it. And don't even get me started about Christmas. I'm so excited I could die. I've spent the last three nights trying to pick out Garrison's stocking and I'm having major commitment issues, but regardless, I'm picking out a stocking for my SON! It's a giant dream come true, if a silly, simple one. I'm truly living the dream…so much to look forward to!

One decent shot out of 50…
these are getting more and more interesting.

It's both amazing and terrifying that six months have already passed. When I think about the likelihood that the next six months will pass equally as fast I want to cry. And hide under the covers. And quit my job. And freeze time. But I'm trying to trust that it continues to get better and better. We're so, so blessed to have Garrison in our lives. The Lord is redeeming our story one day with this little love at a time. Happy six months, baby boy. Mama loves you!

Be still my heart.

Another Child

It honestly feels weird to think about another child at this moment. Both because I am borderline overwhelmed with parenting the one and also because I am content. But I know I probably won't always be content. That's not a reflection on Garrison; I always wanted a big family. The itch for another child will return. I'm not sure when that typically happens. When do normal, fertile couples begin to think about trying again? Surely not at 5 months. But here's the thing. It took us almost four years to get Garrison. If we don't want Garrison to be starting kindergarten before a sibling arrives, it feels like we need to get started.

While in Jacksonville finalizing our adoption of Garrison, we stopped in at FIRM, the clinic where we did IVF. We have four (maybe three) embryos frozen there. We have decided that before we pursue any other family building opportunities, we will complete our frozen embryo transfers. In a lot of ways, these embryos feel like a weight. And that's totally not fair; I know. They are our children, long awaited for, fought for, prayed for, but it appears that it is very unlikely that we will ever meet them. The doctor confirmed that it is unlikely we will see a bring home baby out of this IVF cycle. And yet, we feel that we must give them a chance. 

When we completed our IVF cycle in January 2014, we paid to keep our embryos frozen for two years. At the time, it seemed like we would not need the full two years. We knew our embryos were lower grades and we figured that even if we got lucky, we'd try for a sibling within two years. But then the first transfer failed. And then the second. And then an entire year passed by. January 2016 will be here quickly. I know that as the months with Garrison just fly by. I feel as if I'm constantly sticking a round sticker on his onesie and exclaiming "another month went by so fast!" We have a few months to decide what to do, but the decision is (as always) complicated. 

We met with a different doctor for our consult as my doctor was out of the office and we were only in town the one day. This doctor was more of a straight shooter. He agreed that in light of our past transfers and the quality of our frozen embryos, the odds of success with any of our remaining embryos is low. He didn't really bat an eye at our request to transfer all four...that's always a really bad sign. He agreed that the Endometrial Function Test would be a good next step just to rule out any implantation issues. If something came up, he said we'd correct it and then his recommendation would be to transfer two. He agreed that our issue is very likely embryo quality (with a root cause in egg quality) but that if he had proof that there was a problem with my lining, he would be unable to say with certainty that our previous cycles failed because of embryo quality and transferring four would be riskier. However, his bet is that all is normal with my uterus and lining. That's my bet too, but I've never been one to turn down answers. 

And I guess this is where my ideas on family building and next steps are changing. I'm just not sure how much more money I'm willing to throw at my body. There are other ways to build a family, ways that I'm really open to and even excited about. I do believe that given all the money in the world there is likely a doctor out there with enough expertise to help me get pregnant with my own eggs and Sam's sperm. But we don't have all the money in the world, and if I'm being honest, there are other things I'd rather do with money (like pay off student loan debt) than throw darts at $30,000 a toss at a moving dart board with a shrinking bullseye. 

The doctor did mention and agree that this test for my lining (at $1,500) would be valuable information for later transfers, whether that's our embryos or donor embryos. And while IVF may be less and less glamorous to me, embryo adoption still holds a lot of appeal. So we have to decide if we want to do this test. It needs to be completed about 2 cycles before our transfer. We also have to decide if we want to attempt to transfer these embryos before the middle of January (when our payment runs out and we'd need to pay $500). To do the transfer without the test would cost approximately $2,500 including travel and medication. Adding in the test would bump that to about $4,000. That's a TON of money to come up with in 6 months, especially while paying for daycare at the cost of $10,000 a year. Which ultimately brings up the biggest  question: are we ready (and can we afford) another kid? Yes, the cycle is VERY unlikely to succeed, but I can't help feeling negligent if we don't calculate our ability to provide for another child if the cycle were to succeed. 

I have a feeling the answer is no. In fact, I know the answer is no. Daycare alone is almost $1,000 a month, and we don't have $1,000 margin in our budget each month. Will we ever? Absolutely. But in January, no probably not. The wisest thing to do would be to table the "another child" conversation and work diligently to pay off our student loans, start college funds, save for retirement, etc. But fear and doubt always wiggle back in from the depths of my mind when I think about postponing a second child. The doctor so kindly pointed out that "his recommendations would be different if we were having this conversation and I was still young." Gee, thanks. It's interesting that at 28 I was "so young and healthy" but at 29 I'm "no longer young." The clock is admittedly ticking (probably far faster for me as my egg quality already sucks) if we want to try IVF with my own eggs again. But even outside of IVF, I feel the clock ticking. Family building outside of the sheets takes time...lots and lots and lots of time. So do we table it, relishing in our current joy, and continuing to pay to have low quality embryos frozen? Or do we recognize (and maybe even embrace) our circumstances and the ways our family is likely to be built and begin the journey anew with the start of the new year by jumping with both feet back into the TTC game?

I have no answers. Time will tell. 

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Guys, can you go over to my sweet, sweet friend's blog and give her some love? She just miscarried again and is having a really rough time. My heart is absolutely broken for her. I know she'd appreciate some love and support during these hard days. She was ready (like really ready) to start her long-awaited cycle at CCRM only to discover she was pregnant...surprise. But now it's over and it's so hard to answer the big questions when what appears to be the greatest blessing ends in more despair.