When I Said I Do

Five years. That's what we're celebrating today! Five years of marriage. 

This anniversary admittedly kind of snuck up on me. I haven't really spent the past few days leading up to this anniversary reminiscing or looking back through old wedding photos. I think I've got a pretty good excuse though, right?

Last night as a held Little Butt I read back through my old posts on past anniversaries. There is definitely a theme in the last few... for better or for worse. When I said I do, I had no idea what "for worse" really meant. How could I? I was 24 years old… I felt old, but gosh, I was just a baby. We had no clue that our vows would be tested by fire so soon. No one saw infertility coming. No one could have predicated the bomb that would soon drop right in the midst of our marriage. We were barely 16 months in when our first tragedy struck. Since that moment, I think we've seen our fair share of the for worse part those vows talk about. 

On one anniversary, I wrote the following, "but the really cool part about marriage: you've got somebody to walk through the 'for worse' with. And when the 'for better' comes, that person understands better than anyone else how much you have to celebrate!" I stand by that today. The last year was filled with much of the same. While it wasn't necessarily our darkest days because we didn't lose any pregnancies or embryos, there will still some really hard, dark days. A lot of fear. A lot of doubt. A lot of worry. We've recently turned a pretty big corner, obviously. We've crossed over and we are certainly in our "for better" days right now. It is fantastic to walk through these days with my husband, not only because I love him, but because he has intimately known and faced the "for worse" days with me. He knows just how much better these good days actually are. For better is a whole not sweeter when you're seen for worse.

Although I feel like we're basking in the the sun's warm glows these days, I know that there will be dark days ahead. I'm not naive enough to think we've experienced the last of our for worse. There will be more hard days. We will get sick, we will experience financial stress, we will lose a loved one. It's inevitable… a part of any marriage. Even just in terms of family building, we will shed more tears. Of that, I am sure. If there's one thing the last few years has taught me, it's that we will survive. We've been through a lot and we're still here. For better or for worse… we've lived it all. 

Five years isn't really that long, but I think it's long enough to be proud of. I'm proud that five years later, I would still chose him. Despite all of it, everything we've been through, I'd still chose him, and I hope he'd say the same because life is simply better when we're together. I can honestly say, "I have found the one whom my soul loves" and I am looking forward to the next five years (and more) with him… for better or for worse.

Babe, when I said "I do" I had no idea what our future held, but I'd say it again today with just as much assurance as I did back then. It is my joy and privilege to walk through life with you. Happy Anniversary!

Another Year Gone

It's a little surreal, but today is our fourth anniversary! I swear it seems like it was just a few months ago that I was writing about our third anniversary! I guess it's really true what they say: the days are long, but the years are short. There have been some really, really long days this past year. Days that I'm content never to repeat. But last night, as I read back through the previous years' anniversary posts (here, here, and here), I was pleased to see how how much we've done, how far we've come, and how much we've learned. Last year I was looking ahead to our fourth year of marriage. On that day, I was excited about:

• Sam will accept an offer TODAY for his first job as a physical therapist.
• We will move OUT of my mom's house and IN to a house in Athens
• I will get a job (the odds are high within a year, right?)
• We WILL pay for IVF
• We might get pregnant
• And if we're really, really blessed, we might buy a house within the next year.

And don't you know, we actually did almost all of the above except buy a home, (and the obvious one) but as we had our home inspection this morning, we came very, very close to sneaking that one in too. And honestly, I'd forgotten it was even a goal until last night! 

There is certainly one GIANT thing missing that we were desperately hoping for out of year four: a bring home baby or a solid pregnancy. Obviously that didn't work out like we were hoping despite saving and paying for IVF. It's really easy to start grading the years based on the one thing we're missing. When it's the one thing you spend all your time and money on for an entire year, it really feels like a failed year when that one thing doesn't work out. But the truth is, we've had a good year. We both got jobs, we moved to Athens, we completed our goal and paid for IVF (and an FET) without debt, and we're hoping to buy a home soon. Sure, this year would have been just about perfect if the IUI, or IVF, or FET had worked, but they didn't… it doesn't change what we did do, what we did accomplish.

There seems to be a general theme the least few years as I've recapped the previous year… sadness and hope. Sadness for what has gone before and hope for what might come tomorrow. That pretty much sums up this year as well. Marriage is about for better or for worse. Our for worse is most certainly infertility… it's a repeat theme year after year. And I'm not sure when or if that will ever change, but I'm still so incredibly thankful that we have each other. The worse is significantly better than it could be when you're with the one you love and you can support each other.

So Happy Anniversary to my best friend! I feel abundantly blessed to call you my husband! I'm looking forward to year five and hoping for better and brighter days with you!

April 3, 2010: Courtesy of the*Reason

Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.

1 Corinthians 13:7

A Look Back

Everyone's asking, and as it is still my anniversary, I broke out the wedding CD's just for your viewing pleasure. The pictures make the day look a lot more together than it really was. Thankfully, my photographers didn't capture all of the behind the scenes moments, like running two hours late due to my hair, or sinking three inches in red Georgia clay because I was silly enough to wear ivory stiletto heels outside in the woods. However, looking back, it tells the story of a pretty special day. Hope you enjoy!

Also, we looked this good in huge part to some really spectacular photographers! All of these photos are by Chris + Allie Bartelski of  the*Reason.

Warding off Divorce

I feel icky just typing that word. The "d-word"... we don't say it in the Greavu household. However, several things have occurred that have gotten me thinking about it.

For one, several bloggers that I follow are going through divorce. These girls break my heart on so many levels... Infertility sucks. Period. In any and every circumstance it sucks, but when it tears apart your marriage... Well that's another whole level of suckiness entirely.

Secondly, more and more friends from my past, either college or high school, are getting divorced. Most often I see this on Facebook. I see so and so's name and think to myself, "wasn't she married?" Or "didn't she have a different name?" Only to discover that yes, the marriage has ended, the maiden name is back.

And most recently, my friend Aubrey wrote a blog about the tough times in marriage. She received some great advice from her dad on her wedding day, but it wasn't until her battles with infertility began, that she realized just how true his words were. And her words got me thinking.

Divorce isn't a giant leap, it's a slippery slope. Prevention is essential. Now, hear me when I say that there is no condemnation from me. If you are or have been divorced, I'm not judging in the least. I think I'm probably one of the only kids who prayed that her parents would get a divorce. Believe me, I see its purpose. But I also believe that a lot of good marriages end because of a lack of intention.

When we were in premarital counseling, our minister's wife shared with us something that has helped her in her marriage. She shared how you have to be on guard against divorce. Just as a garden left alone will be overrun by weeds, a marriage that is left unattended will wither and die.

She shared the 7 steps to divorce. These steps were first published by Dr. Sheila Kessler, a psychologist from Atlanta. My friend took her steps and elaborated on them. Take a look.

We all start here: Bliss.

Stages of Divorce:

1. Disillusionment

It isn’t long after we are married that the fog of infatuation begins to clear in our relationship and we begin to realize that our spouse has some faults. We may notice a tendency toward control, anger, or self-centeredness with his or her family of origin. Among the worst of faults are deficits in integrity and fidelity. Too often these issues are not addressed until they become full blown in mid-life and by then intense damage has been done. If a couple does not immediately address these issues the marriage is often headed for divorce.

2. Erosion

If the issues in stage 1 are not dealt with one or both partners will begin to lose respect for the other and intimacy will suffer. Instead of continuing to share life together each spouse tends to chart his or her individual course in life.

3. Detachment

In an effort to avoid being hurt spouses often isolate from each other. Very little communication takes place and anger and resentment sets in. Thoughts of separation come to mind.

4. Physical Separation

When separation occurs spouses often experience conflicting emotions such as relief (that the arguing has stopped) and loneliness, fear, and feeling like a failure. People who are not committed to reconciliation may prematurely by pass the grief process and immediately become involved romantically with another person.

5. Mourning & Letting Go

When divorce does indeed occur a grief process must occur that often takes 1to 2 years to complete. It is critical that this process occur before becoming romantically involved again. It is a time to mourn the loss of a partner and of the one who we assumed would be the love of our life. It is a time to accept reality and resolve sadness, anger, guilt, fear and revenge. Often this process involves one step forward and two steps back, that is, you may have to work through the stages of grief several times before emotions are healed and you can sense recovery.



6. Second Adolescence / A New Life

Here, one is able to look to the future instead of ruminating about the past. Here the goal is to have learned from the past, especially as it relates to your contributions to the failed relationship. New insight enables you to make healthier choices in your new life. Negatively, if insight has not been gained, individuals may become obsessed with finding that new life in drinking, partying, and seducing, in a desperate attempt to squelch loneliness.

7. Hard Work / Healthy Adjustment

With God’s help, time and hard work there can be abundant life after divorce.

The goal is to be wiser and stronger and operating with increased insight into God’s purpose for your life. As God leads you are ready to move on, under His direction, to a better life.

As you can see, these steps weren't intended to be a prevention method. Dr. Kessler's purpose was simply to outline the stages, sort of like the stages of grief. However, by knowing the general trend, you can be better prepared to fight for your marriage. The first step on the slippery slope is so simple. In fact, I don't think anyone even intentionally takes that first step. It's just the natural course following the wedding. 

If infertility has taught me anything, it is that my marriage needs to be in fighting condition every day. Life is going to happen, expectations will be unmet, the plans will change, and we have to be ready when dreams meet reality. For most, infertility will not be the trial. It will be something completely different, yet equally trying. But the biggest take away for me is that you never know when it's going to happen. Most married couples say vows to love each other and stay together in spite of sickness, in spite of debt or financial troubles, and in spite of the just plain bad times; however, when we say them, for most of us, all of that seems infinitely far away. Sam and I never dreamed for one second that infertility was waiting for us. We had no idea that two of our first three years would be spent in doctor's offices. We never foresaw the pain and heartache in store for us when we said "I do". None of us can see tomorrow, and that's why a strong marriage is so important. And part of that strength comes from standing guard. If you're married, lets all take a few moments to do some assessing and then go to war against the weeds that might have taken root. 

Reminiscing

It hit me early this week, as I ripped "February" from my desk calendar to see my 24 day countdown until Sam and I leave for our cruise... it has almost been a year since our wedding day. I know, I know I should have seen it coming; the cruise is our one year anniversary celebration, but I don't think I had focused in on the anniversary part of it. It seems absolutely crazy to think that it's almost been a year! The last eighteen months or so have been amazingly fast. I honestly remember the six month mark before our wedding all too clearly: it feels like last month!

In light of the coming anniversary, I can't help but think back on the whirlwind that was the months leading up to the big day. I know every bride probably feels like her own wedding trials are the most distressing or overwhelming, but honestly it seems that Sam and I had more than our fair share of bumps and wrong turns in our journey to the wedding day. We had all the regular distresses and worries: will the bridesmaid dresses fit, will the flower girl walk down the aisle, will I mess up my vows? But we had so much more too.

First off, the rings. I remember every magazine planner saying to buy the wedding rings about 3 months ahead. Well if Sam and I had taken this route, we would have been wedding band-less. Six months out Sam and I went to order our rings. Both of us chose incredibly straight forward, plain bands. Sam's band ended up being fine, no problems. But mine was nothing but problems. After a good six or seven trips to Atlanta and countless different sizes ordered, we came to the conclusion that it wasn't the wedding band but the engagement ring setting that was causing me such problems. Sam loving said that he only wanted me to be happy and that I could trade it if I wanted to. Keep in mind that it's February by this point, less than eight weeks away. I find a setting that will work, agree to fork over the several hundred dollars in difference and leave the jewelry store without my engagement ring. The store wanted to send my ring to the jeweler in New York and have them size the new setting and place the diamond all at once so I wouldn't have any more delays. The following week, Sam got a phone call... The jeweler in New York had lost my engagement ring INCLUDING the diamond. Needless to say, when Sam called, I sobbed, and sobbed, and sobbed. I remember thinking how hard Sam worked to save up for that ring, and POOF it was gone. The jewelry store in Atlanta assured us that it would be replaced so we headed back down to Atlanta to select a new diamond. The New York jeweler graciously comped us the new diamond, the upgraded setting, and my wedding band at no additional charge. But wow! You never expect to be diamond ring less AND wedding band less than 10 weeks before your wedding.

The dress... again WOW! My mom was amazing and diligently spent the summer of my engagement running back and forth all across the metro Atlanta area looking for the perfect dress. When I couldn't find the "perfect" dress we decided to have one made. A very long story short, I ended up with a dress that was NOTHING like my sketches or what we discussed in the design consultations. I wanted to cry. I was soooo upset thinking how many other dresses I passed up on for this one, and yet I liked several of them so much more. Mom knew right away after the last fitting that this was a disaster, and the next morning while I was inwardly moping she wakes up to say "well, where do you want to go look for a new dress?" We had already put a deposit on the custom dress, but mom went to bat for me, cancelled the order without further payment on the basis of the failure to deliver what was asked, and we went shopping again. Amazingly enough, I ended up choosing the first dress I tried on during round two. But ordering a dress three weeks out is supposed to be impossible, so I was adapting to the idea of wearing a sample dress when we heard the great news: there was a dress ordered by a girl in Spain in my size with extra length. Her day was nine months away so they had it shipped straight to Atlanta. After that I had two weeks to figure out undergarments, shoes, and fittings. Somehow, thanks to my AMAZING momma, it all came together...

In the midst of all the wedding drama, Sam and I were patiently (haha) waiting to hear where exactly we would be spending the next several years of our married lives. Now let me tell you, as a type- A personality, with a need to plan, this was TORTURE! I wanted to research apartments, look for jobs, just dream a little, but we had no idea where we were heading, or when, as Sam hadn't heard back from any PT schools with an affirmative. And then we got THE phone call: Emory had accepted Sam. Honestly, I can't explain my pride. I was so overwhelmed. Sam had a very long journey to Physical Therapy school with a lot of let downs and obstacles to overcame, but if there is one defining characteristic of my husband he is committed; he is resilient. The relief we all felt was amazing. I don't think we even knew how much stress we had been carrying until it was lifted: our future was starting and we knew where we were going. For two weeks I spent every moment that I had free from the wedding to research places to live in and around Emory. And then there was a SECOND phone call... Sam got into MCG! With three weeks to go before our wedding we had a decision to make: a big one! And what would the last month of engagement be without at least one good, heated disagreement? Naturally, Sam and I had vastly different opinions about what our decision should be. And to make matters worse we had about 24 hours to decide as an $800 deposit was due to Emory the following day. So who would it be? Emory? Close to home, great connections, great clinical experience, and notoriety. Or MCG? A fraction of the cost. You can probably guess how we aligned. I wanted Emory and all the glory of going to such a prestigious school paired with a great city and ample job opportunities. Sam wanted the smallest bill.

In the end, cost won out... we were headed to Augusta. And a month earlier than expected! We decided after reaching that ultimate decision that we would put all other decisions regarding school on hold until we got back from the honeymoon.

Although they seemed incredibly important at the time, all of these obstacles and decisions would soon take a brutal reality check. With just over a week to go, Sam's family was dealt a shocking blow: Sam's cousin Brandon passed away in an unexpected accident. He was only nineteen years old, far too young. Honestly it was all kind of a blur, the horrible kind. Instead of a whirlwind or parties and luncheons, appointments and packing, the Monday before our wedding we all stood as a family and laid Brandon Kohler to rest. Definitely an incredibly hard and sobering day. Sam's family was amazing and somehow they all managed to partition their grief and their happiness. Despite the incredible sadness of losing a brother, son, grandson, and nephew, his entire family made it to our wedding. Let me tell you, there was NO greater gift to me. As the girl who had one entire half of her family boycott her wedding day, it meant more than anything to me that they would all come to share in our special day despite the gaping whole in all of our hearts.

Thankfully, I can look back now on the crazy months leading up to our wedding with both smiles and tears. It was an incredibly stressful time, one that I wouldn't relive again for sure. Ultimately, I just remember reminding myself of something Mike, our minister told Sam and I, "at the end of the day, no matter what, you're married". And that is truly my take away: that thankfully despite everything that occurred, we made it to and through our wedding day.

When I Said I Do

For several months now, maybe even a year, the Lord has really placed young married couples on my heart. It has become the cry of my heart that my generation would begin to turn the tide and divorce would become a thing of the past. It breaks my heart to hear stories of people my age who are already divorced, but the truth is, it is not that uncommon.

Now let me stop here and say right away that this isn't a diatribe where I'm sitting here on some lofty throne asking why my peers allow their marriages to fail. I'm not pointing fingers, or placing blame. I don't claim to have all the answers and I don't believe for one moment that I have the perfect marriage. And let me go one step further and admit that I may be one of the only people I know who has prayed for a divorce (not for myself). So no, I don't think we should return to the dark ages where women have no rights and can be abused and beaten, but must stay come what may. I'm not saying that I think there is no place for divorce. I'm just saying that I think somewhere along the line the idea of divorce got blown wildly out of context. Now, if I fall out of love, if he is unfaithful, if we grow apart, if someone who treats me better comes along, or if one of a hundred different things happens in the course of my marriage, then I have the right to leave. It is as if marriages now begin with a preconceived list of things that give one an out.

The thing that really bothers me the most is that the statistics of marriage are about the same across the board in America... Christian or not. The scriptures are clear that God intended for one man and one woman to unite... the end. There are causes and reasons for divorce, but it is certainly not the litany of reasons that we as a culture have deemed permissive. In Andy Stanley's series Staying in Love, he discusses the idea that marriages last and love persists because of mutual, unending submission of one's will for the other. This was honestly, a completely new idea to me when I first heard this. Sam and I heard this message before we ever started premarital counseling and this idea was reinforced during that time, but I just remember thinking, "am I the only one who had not previously approached the idea of marriage in this way?" I think that today, with such a large population of 20-somethings with one or more divorces in their immediate family, it is probably safe to assume that many do not know how to have a lasting, fulfilling marriage.

This is where my brain starts running into overdrive as I think about the opportunity the Church has to meet this need, and what life changing, really history changing, opportunities this has for future family trees. In my mind I see a ministry for 20-somethings who are NOT engaged. I think we have to change the way we are approaching the whole process. The engagement period kind of feels like a runaway train, and I think this is the wrong time to really address what a marriage should be. The engagement should be a time focussed on the individual couple, as they plan and think through the future under the leadership of another married couple. It is BEFORE this that the ideas of marriage need to be adjusted and set on track so that when the young people do find the one, they are on course to succeed. Currently, it seems that it is after the date is already set that preconceived notions must be dealt with and expectations laid bare.

Sam and I were fortunate enough to have incredible premarital counseling from a couple who truly loves the Lord and honestly wanted to see us succeed. Where many couples I know had less than five hours of counseling, Sam and I probably had twenty or more! I'd love to see a ministry program that removed this obligation from the senior pastor's list of to-do's when necessary. A system where Godly couples who are truly passionate about seeing this generation succeed would partner with the church and spend hours ministering to, loving on, and advising the engaged couple. That a relationship would form during this time that would allow the couple, once married, to have someone to turn to that is not a parent. I think that this is an important key because we all know that in the eyes of our parents, even if they love our spouse to death, we will always be more right, more justified, and more deserving. When times get tough young couples need an unbiased ear to listen and wise words supported by the Word of God to steer them.

I certainly don't have it all fleshed out yet, nor do I know if this is something that I will ever see come to fruition, but I know that if I could convince a church like Athens Church to begin a program devoted to seeing young people start their first marriage right, it truly could be the only marriage they ever have. A program like this in a city like Athens where every year hundreds of couples get engaged and married could really create some dramatic life change. If the Lord leads us back to Athens, I'd love to see this come to life.

In the midst of this, the Lord just continues to lay other young, married couples on my heart. I continue to pray that the Lord would keep them safe from this world and the temptations that exist to betray one's marriage and the laziness that allows unity to become less and less important. So if you are newly married or newly engaged, or even simply young and married, know that I think of you and pray for the Lord's guiding hand in your marriage and his protection over you and your spouse. May we be the beginning of a generation that says I lay my rights down for the sake of my marriage, and I will submit my will to the one I love.

Happy New Year

2011, already? 2010 was a really big year for us! Last night as Sam and I watched the various news broadcasts about 2010 in review, I couldn't help but get the feeling that most Americans were collectively holding their breath in anticipation of a fresh start and a chance to put 2010 behind them... most of the moments and memories were a little bleak. However, as I lay there, bleary eyed, and thinking, "clock go faster or I'll never make it", I was remembering some very different moments from 2010! A LOT has happened this year for Sam and I...

Sam got into Emory for their Physical Therapy program! (SO EXCITING!)

About a week before the big day, Sam got into MCG!!!! Change of plans!

We got MARRIED!!!

Sam finally had a chance to experience my Colorado and I got to go back if only for 8 brief days as we celebrated our Honeymoon in Breckenridge!

3 weeks later we moved to Augusta! And that was just the first 5 months! Since then, we've bought a monster, I mean sweet Sterling, conquered the job market, as well as 2 full semesters of the PT program, made some great friends, turned 25 (ewww!) and fallen more in love!

With all of that, I can honestly say, I wasn't in too big of a hurry for 2010 to end! The Lord has been very good to us and we are very thankful for such a memorable year together. But time moves on, and the crystal ball dropped and we rang in the new year in our pajamas snuggled up together on the couch.

So now that we're here, I guess, welcome 2011, you've got a lot to live up too!

I never really get into the New Year's Resolution thing... like most American's I tend to make it a brief period before the motivation dies, BUT here are a few goals for this year.

1- Focus more on the Lord. And trust in Him and His plan. My timing and planning needs to take a backseat to waiting on the Lord and His perfect plan.

2- Be a better wife! God has blessed me beyond my wildest dreams by giving me Sam. Most days I just don't deserve a Husband who loves me unconditionally, tells me I'm beautiful even when my hair's a mess and I'm in sweats, deals with my moods, cooks beautiful dinners every night, and keeps the mood light and outlook positive. I am such a lucky lady and I just want to learn to love Sam more and more.

3- Get our finances in order! As with most married couples money, is one of our biggest stresses. Although, I have to admit that I am pretty proud of myself for the changes I've made to save money, we still have a lot more to learn about doing without and saving for tomorrow instead of living for today.

Wall Art

When Sam and I moved into our rental home, I knew that I wanted to work really hard to personalize the space, but I also recognized that we are on an extremely tight budget, and we didn't want to sink money into a rental. I hated the bland, boring white walls, popcorn ceilings, and icky beige carpet of my apartment in Athens, and I wanted our first "home" to feel as much like our own place as possible. One of the best decisions we've made is the investment in some beautiful "works of art".

Sam and I were blessed to meet two incredible people who photographed our wedding and engagement sessions. Chris and Allie Bartelski are amazing people and really, really talented photographers. (Plus they were recently blessed with one of the CUTEST baby boys in history) Together they form theReason (link directs to their interactive blog). Sam and I are so thankful to have these pictures to celebrate and remember these times in our life. But I didn't want to leave all the memories in digital form and look at them occasionally on the computer, so I searched for professional grade printers. After I found a fantastic site for high quality, professional prints, we decided to order some prints to hang on the wall.

First we composed an arrangement from our wedding pictures for the wall in our living room. I ordered when the site was having a pretty good sale, so I think total cost for the prints was about $40. We are really pleased with the way it turned out! And this is definitely an investment that we can utilize in every home for years to come! (Believe me, they look better in person... our house is just super dark)

Since our first experiment turned out so well, we decided to order another print to hang in our bedroom, this time from our engagement shoot. Again, we're really pleased! And the best part is that we got the frame for $31 and the photo for $16... Not a bad price for 24x36 art on the wall!

And lastly, it doesn't hang on the wall, but we got our wedding album in the mail several weeks ago, and as this blog has turned into an endorsement for Chris and Allie, I figured I'd include a couple of shots. As a designer myself, pretty much every wedding album I've ever seen has made me want to gag. There are some really talented photographers out there who get way too amped up when it comes to album design... yeesh! Let the pictures speak for themselves and for crying out loud... let them breathe!!! I was pleasantly surprised when I first met Chris and Allie. Their albums are well designed and timeless pieces to capture the story of the day. So as my last word on theReason... any brides scouring the earth for wedding photographers, Sam and I would highly recommend this husband and wife team!

As for Sam and I, we couldn't be more pleased to slowly make this rental house a home. Augusta may not be our dream locale, but we're making the best of our time here, and decorating on a BUDGET!