Three Cheers for Three Months

Holy Moly... somehow he's already three months old. He actually turned three months on Monday, but it takes me about three to five days to write a post these days. I've become the WORST BLOGGER EVER. I blogged like once, maybe twice since the last monthly update. Seriously??? Terrible. And I really do have things to say other than crap about how much he eats and what he likes. I'm just struggling to find my rhythm with work, daycare, bottles, diapers, and the rest of life. I'm slowly phasing out of my part time position at my church though, and I think that will help my blogging life a good bit. Bear with me. I'm not going anywhere; I'm just crappy for the time being. But I filled the monthly update with cute pictures as a reward... feel free to scroll right on by the words!

Name: still Garrison Carter, or at least it is to us... We're still working on making that official.

I just like to smile. Smiling's my favorite.

Nicknames: Little Butt, Chunker, Little Man, Buddy... nothing too exciting yet. Although I have caught myself once or twice calling him Sterling when I'm really frustrated, like "Sterling, there's nothing to cry about! Why are you crying!?!?"... I'm not sure if this is because I'm delirious from lack of sleep, or if I'm just so use to yelling at Sterling that when I get frustrated, it's automatic. Bless.

Swinging outside with mom and pretending to wear a hat.
Side note: WHY do baby hats fall off in less than a second?

Stats: 10 lbs 2.6 oz and 22 inches. You know your baby is tiny when the tenths of ounces still matter at three months. For reference, Erika and I were discussing that Millie weighed more than Garrison at her first month appointment. He's still wearing 0-3 months in most things, and we're waiting for him to grow into a few brands (Gap, Ralph Lauren). We've just started the transition to cloth diapers (heaven help me) but when he wears a disposable, he's happy in a size 1.

For reference, Garrison is the red dot for height and weight.
The bottom line of each is the second percentile, so umm,
yeah we're not even on the chart yet.

Eating: In light of his stats, we're continuing to fortify his formula to 22 calories per ounce. He still eats about three ounces every three hours. We're trying to convince him to eat four ounces in the afternoon in the hopes that he'll sleep longer at night. I'm honestly not all that stressed about his eating or growth. Maybe I should be??? I've been surprisingly a very unstressed mama. He eats pretty much like clockwork, so I just fail to worry. Last week he was definitely going through some kind of growth spurt because homeboy was going to die if he didn't get four ounces every 180 minutes... 181 minutes or anything less than 120mL and the world was going to end. This insanity ended just as abruptly as it began. He's back to being quite content with three ounces.

"I couldn't be cuter if I tried, ma. It's natural."

Sleeping: Oh for the love. I slept in my mom's bed for part of the night almost every night until I was about 10 years old. The saying "payback is a b$%@#" is proving to be quite true. I'm reading a really interesting series right now on sleep training and self soothing. I like the author a lot because she recognizes that this is a lightning rod for so many parents. If you stray just a teeny bit from what another parent, you could be blasted for ruining your child for life (I have so much to say about THIS... later, I promise.) The author asks a question that's so simple, but it was really enlightening: What are your goals for your baby’s sleep? Simple, right? But it's essential to know how you answer this question. And to recognize that when your friend recommends something, she may be doing so hoping to answer that question completely differently. For me, I want Garrison to sleep in his crib in his room by 6 months. I would love to have him sleep through the night by that point as well, but I do recognize that he's smaller and may actually need nighttime feeds longer. So I'll say this, I'd like him to be able to soothe himself back to sleep by 6 months (earlier would be great) unless he actually NEEDS to eat. And the caveat is that I'd like to accomplish all of this without utilizing the "cry it out" method. I'm not afraid to let him cry, but I just want to make sure it's purposeful crying... does that make sense? At this point, he has zero ability to self soothe. The more he wakes up, the more hysterical he gets. He cannot find his own paci (and the paci only soothes him 30ish% of the time), he cannot locate his thumb (or fist). He simply has no means to soothe himself back to sleep. As he wakes up, he starts to stir and stretch, which causes his arms to loosen in his swaddle, which allows him to wake and move more, which allows more movement until his swaddle is up to his chin or his arms sneak out the top thus allowing for a complete melt down. I felt that we had almost reached the promised land of one wake up a night, but then the growth spurt hit and everything fell apart. We're trying to get back to that, and we're close, but I still can't call it a restful night of sleep. Last night I was up every 2-2.5 hours trying to soothe him... not feed him, just help him get back to sleep. At some point (typically around 4:30-5:30) I cave out of exhaustion and just hold him for the rest of the morning so that I can at least doze semi peacefully. He is definitely not a deep sleeper despite being swaddled tightly and having white noise blasting full force. I have a feeling we will still be talking about this particular item in the months and years to come.

"Me, tired? No, I'm not tired at all mom."

Likes: SMILING. He learned to smile right on time at his two month appointment, but it was uncontrolled. Meaning he'd smile without intending to and then get upset that he smiled… it would have been kind of hilarious if a crying baby wasn't so sad/frustrating. He'd smile and it was like the movement of the muscles disturbed him so much, that the smile would instantly cause him to dissolve into tears. But now he's MASTERED smiling and really cracks himself up. There's not really one thing that does it for him, but if I had to pick his number one smile producer it would be himself... looking at himself in the mirror is almost a guarantee.

Catching a smile, however, can prove difficult.

Dislikes: We're at an interesting place. Garrison is and always has been a fussy baby… that's the nice word for it. There were stretches where he cried more than he slept, and crying and sleeping FAR out measured his stretches of just being awake and not screaming. We've definitely turned the corner and he's generally content. He still can get set off on long crying spells, but typically, I have no idea what set him off. It's like zero to full on melt down at fire alarm volume in about two seconds. So he definitely dislikes something; I just don't know what it is.

Trying out my first cloth diaper. Admittedly, cloth diapering
is a little bit about vanity for me… mostly saving money,
but a little bit about cute butts.

Undecided about: Singing, reading, sleeping… really most of life. Some days signing makes him smile… and some days "Itsy Bitsy Spider" makes him scream like I'm ripping his toenails off. Some days he'll sit semi-quite-ish while I read a book… other times the sound of me reading is akin to nails on a chalkboard. Some days he knocks out and sleeps sooooo contentedly that I have to check on him multiple times to make sure he's breathing. And other times sleeping is the worst. thing. ever.


He's also pretty undecided still about pacifiers. I REALLY wish I had a way to change this. I'm sure I'll be thankful in a year or two, but today, I'd do just about anything if he'd fall in love with a paci.

My super duper cute (and true!) onesie from Suzanne

Looking forward to: You know, on one hand the passage of each month (hell, each week really) is S-A-D… like 12 weeks made me cry. I've waited so long to have this little baby, and now the days are going so, so fast. And it's not like I can just "have another" when the mood strikes. He very well may be the only baby I ever have, and that's hard to comprehend. BUT, I can honestly say that every day is better than the one before. Month two was a lot better than the first month… we kind of found our rhythm and I figured out just a teeny bit about what I was doing. And month three was better than month two. Smiling babies are THE BEST. It just feels like the trend here is it just gets better and better. I'm looking forward to it all. Every single moment.

"Oh ma"

I didn't think he was changing all that much until I made this. Oh. My. Gosh.
Where did my baby go?!?! At least he just gets cuter.

In other news, we had our second post placement visit last Saturday. Two visits are required to get on the docket in Florida, so we should now be able to officially get a finalization date. It will feel REALLY good just to have this on the calendar. We're kind of hoping that we can get an early enough date (maybe August or September) that we can travel to Jacksonville for the court date AND go in for a consultation at FIRM (our IVF clinic). We're still hoping to stay on track with a transfer of our remaining embryos in mid January, but a lot of things (including finances) have to fall into place for that to work out. Someone asked if that would put our babies too close together. Ha. Oh I don't know. You should go ask Aubrey or Suzanne about having a lot of babies close together. IF, and that's a really BIG if, the transfer worked, it would be about 4-6 weeks before Garrison turns one. And IF the transfer actually works and brings home a baby, it would mean two under two, but that still feels okay to me. I don't really think the transfer has much of a chance, but I need to do this. I need to go back for my babies. My heart is a thousand times better than it was in March of 2014. I'm prepared for this again. I think.

But in the mean time, we're just thoroughly enjoying life with our little man. He's the best thing about my day and has brightened my life and heart in miraculous ways. I'm not sure if he'll ever comprehend the gift he is to me, but I hope he knows that he is very, VERY loved.

Here's to hoping I blog again before he's four months old.

Two Truths

My first Mother's Day as a mom is in the books. I must admit, it was infinitely better than years past. I woke up to sweet smiles from my baby (after dealing with a vomtrocious dog at 5am). People were happy to hug my neck, look me in the eye, and finally whisper words they've longed to say. Yesterday was good. But the truth is, there are scars far too deep for Mother's Day to ever be this crazy joyful celebration. I know the pain too intimately to forget even if time does heal all wounds.

There seemed to be 1,000 articles and posts written about Mother's Day this year, and just about every one made me smile. I think it's good to acknowledge the pain, the hurt, the sadness of the day. It doesn't mean we stop celebrating. It means we hold two equally important truths, one in each hand as we approach Mother's Day each year. Truth one: mothers are worth celebrating. Truth two: that celebration, while good, and true, and valuable, will inevitably cause someone else pain. Either she's mourning the mother she never knew, or he's wishing for more time with his dying mother. She may be longing to have her mother back, or he may be hoping to heal an estranged relationship. She may be mourning the loss of her children, or longing to have them return home. For many the day hurts because the one they want to celebrate with isn't available. And then there's those who long to be mothers. Who approach the holiday with trepidation for the comments from others, for the bitterness and sadness that will inevitably arise. Mother's Day is good and mothers are worth celebrating, but that celebration will inevitably cause someone pain.

My first Mother's Day was good. I felt loved, celebrated, valued. But I also felt sadness. Sadness for the babies who came before, who had the opportunity to make me a mom, but in basic terms did not. Sadness for my friends who long for the touch of their mother just one more time. Sadness for Garrison's birth mother. While I'm happy to have my son, it is not lost on me that her loss is my gain. I felt sadness for friends who should be celebrating, but had lost their babies. And those who should have more little ones to celebrate with than they do. And finally, I felt sadness for my friends, my beautiful, beautiful friends who are still in the trenches of infertility or reoccurring pregnancy loss. This day can be so beautiful is you've never known loss, if you have and love your mother, if all of your children are living. But it can also be an incredibly painful day, one that only your bed, a box of chocolate, and the promise of a new day can relieve.

As I said, I read many articles as the day approached, and I think this quote from Melanie Dale at Unexpected summed it up best: "And so there’s the tension. Of wild partying in the Mommy Club and intense grieving over the ones experiencing the pain that I remember too well. And I can’t and won’t resolve the tension, but instead acknowledge them both. I will woo-hoo and weep for all the women." I felt that tension throughout the day. Even within the infertility community there is this tension. For every new woman who slips into the trenches, someone is climbing out. It is good and noble to celebrate those who finally crawl out, while recognizing the pain of those who slip in.

That's it, that's the way we approach and handle Mother's Day each year… dancing with wild abandon for those who get the honor of the title mom, because an honor it is. But in the same moment, it's bowing our heads and turning our faces to see those who are hurting. Melanie closes with this, "while woo-hooing the precious moms I adore, I intercede for the barren with prayers to a God I don’t understand. I exchange knowing gazes and nod my head with respect. The wound is healed, but the scar is gargantuan." For the mamas on the other side of infertility, can I get an "amen"? My wound is far from healed, but I can see that one day it will be… but that scar, it's never going away.

So to those for whom Mother's Day is time of celebration, I hope you felt loved and valued for the handwork that is mothering. I hope you got extra sleep, sweet cards, flowers, and sloppy kisses because you deserve it. And for those who view Mother's Day with fear and sadness, I hope your day past uneventfully, whether in bed with the covers over your head, or out in the sunshine with too many things to keep you busy. But most importantly I hope you felt seen because your pain is valid and real.