Another Year Over and a New One Just Begun

It's apparently that time. Time to look back, reflect, remember, and ruminate. Honestly, these posts seem to occur a bit too frequently for my taste. I remember exactly where I was sitting this time last year. I was in Jacksonville, already on my fifth day of stims and thinking what a badass I was for surviving that many injections. Jacksonville and IVF and crushed dreams don't seem that long ago. It just doesn't seem possible that a whole year has passed. But it has; it did, and honestly, we've got some decent things to show for it. 2014 will always be the year of the failed IVF cycle (and FET), but it will also be the year we bought our first home and decided to adopt. We've done a lot of growing this year, and since the growing isn't just around our waistlines, I'll call that a win. 

Among infertility and TTC blogs, the end of the year can be a time of renewed hope in some ways. A way to say "sayonara" to the year that screwed you out of your dreams. You know, give it the ol' "don't let the door hit you" kind of thing. The past year may have sucked in the baby making department, but next year, oh baby, next year is going to be the year. We all say it, hoping that it turns out true. I've certainly done it year after year. I'll be honest and say that I really thought 2014 might be our year. First with IVF. And then I held out hope for adoption. I didn't necessarily think we'd bring a baby home that fast, but I have to admit that I was really holding out hope that we'd match before the year was out. It would have been nice to end the year on a note of anticipation and excitement. But we're here again, and this post sounds a lot sounds a like last year's, except maybe slightly less hopeful. Repetition is really only fun in certain forms, like alliteration. It's certainly zero fun to feel like déjà vu is a permanent feature of your life. So I'm hopping off this repeating record… let's end this year with a celebration!

I submitted my post Still in the Trenches for Mel's  2014 Creme de la Creme. I don't necessarily think it was my best post of the year, but rather the best summation of the year. Although I'm still stuck in the bottom of this stupid, stinking, mud-filled trench, but 2014 was a really good year for a ton of my friends. So here's to you ladies:

Emily @ The Empty Uterus: baby girl born February 6, 2014

Lindsey @ Operation Baby Gage: baby boy born February 11, 2014

Laura @ The Adventures of an Infertile Myrtle: baby girl born February 16, 2014

Lentil @ Lamenting the Lentil: twin boy and girl born February 19, 2014

Rain Before Rainbow: baby girl born February 27, 2014

Ali @ Here I Go Again: baby girl born March 1, 2014

dspence @ Donating Hope: baby boy born March 5, 2014

Kimberly @ No Good Eggs: twin boy and girl born March 27, 2014

Em @ Teach Me to Braid: twin boys born April 17, 2014

Erin @ Gypsy Mama's Magic Moments: baby girl born May 27, 2014

Aubrey @ Two Hearts and One Dream: twin boys born June 5, 2014

Rebecca @ The Road Less Traveled: baby girl born June 9, 2014

Amanda @ beloved burnt toast: baby girl born June 23, 2014

Mrs. Lost @ Where is That Bird?: twin boys born July 10, 2014

Hopeful and Hungry: twin girls born July 14, 2014

Erika @ Something Beautiful: baby girl born August 5, 2014
Emily @ Eat Love Procreate: baby boy born August 18, 2014

Annie @ Sweetest in the Gale: baby boy born August 22, 2014

Beth@ Beth & Harrison Slatery: baby girl born October 7, 2014

Allison @ Belle Haven Drive: twin girls born October 8, 2014, rest in peace Emmanuelle Mac

Julia @ Finding a Way Out of IF: baby boy born October 9, 2014

Conceptionally Challenged: baby girl born October 26, 2014

Infertile 625 @ Hidden Infertility: baby boy born October 30, 2014

Shay @ Sweet Silver Linings: baby boy born November 8, 2014

Holly @ Oh Baby, Baby: twin boys born November 14, 2014

The Unexpected Trip: baby boy born December 2014

Tracy @ Just Stop Trying and It Will Happen: baby girl born December 7, 2014

A Few Good Eggs: baby girl born December 28, 2014

Geez, did I miss anybody? I'd say it was a very, very good year. Congratulations again girls! 

I have a pretty good feeling about 2015 too. I mean, did you hear? Suzanne's got two solid betas  already and an ultrasound on the calendar. Quite a number of my friends have already announced 2015 due dates, so I'd say the year is off to a good start. So, so long to 2014. Hoping that 2015 is filled with an equal number of blessings. Love and hugs to you all, whether you'll be snuggling at home with your baby tonight in your PJs or anxiously awaiting a new year with the chance for renewed hope. And if 2014 was most definitely not your year due to miscarriage, or loss, or 10,000 BFNs, hang in there. If nothing else, the good fortune of so many in 2014 should bring us renewed hope that there are ladders aplenty in this trench. Let's find one and start climbing.

A Season of Waiting

And so this is Christmas... or at least Christmas Eve. Another year over. Another year of waiting. This year, I can't help but connect Christmas and this entire season with IVF and Jacksonville, Florida. This time last year, we were preparing to travel the day after Christmas. My mind was almost entirely swallowed up with preparation for the trip: checking medications, then checking them again. Packing and repacking the suitcase. Honestly, Christmas was basically just a day standing between me and IVF. This year feels incredibly different. Instead of the rush and stress of preparing for IVF, I've got plenty of time to think and contemplate. Absolutely nothing is happening in the adoption world. In fact, just about everyone we're working with has said that typically birth mothers don't contact them during the holidays, so don't expect anything before the new year other than a rare "stork drop." So yeah, lots and lots of time to muse.

All of this free time as we approach Christmas has led me to see so many connections between Advent and my own season of waiting. I think many of us do that. We find some sort of comfort in the season of Advent because it feels good to know you're not alone, that others have waited (and waited, and waited) too.  I love the way Louie Giglio explains it in his new devotional specifically for this season, Waiting Here for You:

"But Jesus didn't arrive without a wait. While you and I simply turn the page, moving effortlessly from the end of the Old Testament promises to the opening of Matthew's Gospel, it wasn't quite that easy. Four hundred years of silence spanned the gap between the final prophecies spoken in Malachi (the last Old Testament book) and the birth of Christ."

I love that. And gosh, what a good reminder that we're so used to just flipping the page to reach the end of the story, but the truth is there was a lot of waiting in the middle. I can really resonate with the idea of waiting and sitting in silence. I can only imagine what the Israelites must have felt... waiting on all of these promises. All of their prophets dead and gone. This God was the God of their grandfathers... was He still their God? All too often, I can identify with the Israelites, particularly with their weaknesses. I'll be the first to admit that I would have been one of those quietly, internally asking, begging God to show up, to prove himself, to not allow another generation to die while waiting. Because that's the truth of the story... God's people died while waiting for Him to fulfill his promises. It's kind of a theme in the Old Testament... Moses, the guy who led the Lord's people out of slavery died before reaching the promised land. It was Joshua who completed the task and brought God's promise to fulfillment. Waiting is most certainly a continuous theme throughout the Bible. And this season of Advent is all about waiting, often in silence.

I think the interesting thing to note, is that there was no lead up to the birth of Christ. I mean other than a star and some angels it just happened. The whole nation wasn't awaiting a specific date and time. It was just another day, a day with a promise that might not come to pass for another 400 years. It was a day like any other. The fulfillment of the promise didn't come with lights and sirens and announcements that IT WILL HAPPEN ON THIS DAY. The month before everything changed, the people just thought it was any ol' month. Just another day, you know? Somehow that's encouraging. Last year there was just so much hope for me. IVF was supposed to be the answer to two years of infertility treatments, to months and months of saving. It was supposed to be the key to my October Baby. There was just so much hope and anticipation at this time last year. But this year, we're not matched, we're not funded we're just waiting. We certainly hope that 2015 will be the year we meet Baby Greavu, but there is less hope and certainly less urgency now than this time last year. So it's nice to remember that Bethlehem wasn't ablaze in light. There were no parties. No fanfare. The song is called "Silent Night" not, "Tumultuous, Exuberant, Expected Night." No one was waiting for the arrival of Mary and Joseph. And yet they came. Despite the lack of attention, despite the lack of rising action leading to the climax of the story, the promise was fulfilled. There is comfort in recognizing that though it feels like nothing is happening right now, we could be a few months or even weeks away from the climax of our own story. Just because we can't see it, just because we're not aware of it, the moment we're all waiting for could be just around the corner.

I know that Christmas, and really just the holidays in general, can be hard for so many. I'm certainly one who can identify with melancholy feelings each Christmas... we just want the day to be SO BIG and perfect with the family in matching PJs, and perpetually hot cups of cocoa, and snow falling, and crackling fires, and carolers strolling the neighborhood, and peace and rest and happiness... the day can often never live up to our expectations. The holidays are also hard for so many who are missing a loved one, mourning the passing of a mom or husband or child... days and seasons like this often bring the hard stuff to the surface. For me, this is the fourth Christmas of wishing for a bump or a baby. It's hard. Any infertile couple will tell you that the holidays just make it that much harder. So much of every holiday centers around children, and often our most favorite holiday memories are from when we were a child. The holidays just have a way of bringing forth the sadness and longing that we all feel. But I hope we can all extend ourselves and one another a little bit of grace. The season can be hard, but take heart. We are not the first to wait and long for tomorrow. And your day may be just around the corner and you'll look back thinking "if only I'd known what was coming."

Peace and Blessings, friends. Merry Christmas to all of my sweet friends who find their homes filled for the first time with their heart's greatest desire this year. And for those of you longing, hurting, hoping, I'm abiding with you as always. May the conclusion to your season of waiting be just around the corner. Merry Christmas, sweet friends.

It's Time

I imagine we all have special relationships within this community. For one reason or another, some just burrow down deep into our hearts. Time, and distance, and course of treatment don't affect the relationship. You can be adopting in Georgia and she can be doing donor eggs via a gestational carrier in Colorado and it doesn't change a thing. I've had many of those friendships find me throughout this infertility journey. Every single woman behind every single blog has meant so much to me, but there are always some who are forever a part of my story. One of those women for me is Suzanne.

It was a late night in September 2013. Suzanne and I had been texting throughout the evening. She was really worried about her donor, "Goose, " and her response to stims. Things were going much slower than expected and we were all very worried about a cancelled cycle. I remember riding down Broad Street with my husband when the strangest words came out of my mouth: "I want Suzanne to get this [a baby] more than I want it for us." It sounded weird, but as I talked it out with him, I kept coming to the same conclusion. I wanted a baby with every fiber of my being, but there were some ladies who I had grown to love deeply over the years who just, I don't know "deserved" it more. That's not really the right word... reproduction is a basic faculty of humanity... we all "deserve" to have that work correctly, in between the bed sheets and not under paper ones or in a lab. So that's not the word, but I don't know what is... I just knew that I really, really, REALLY needed this to work for these special friends. I detailed the absolutely overwhelming circumstances that Aubrey and Suzanne and other friends were up against at that time and explained that they were so brave, so strong, so deserving. That I just needed this to work… it would be a healing force to my faith.

Thankfully, just a few months later, Aubrey got THE BEST NEWS EVER. I got the news from Aubrey while sitting in a Georgia Basketball game… I'll never forget it. As I read her news, tears streamed down my cheeks. This was exactly what I had wanted for her… the tears were 100% pure joy! If Suzanne could just transfer and bring home a baby, if Erika could bring home her daughter, all would somehow be right with the wold. But all was not right… as we've all seen, things go right for one person, and terribly horribly wrong for others with no rhyme or reason. Aubrey's good news was not the catalyst for more for my other sweet friends. Since then, the tears I've shed for Suzanne have not been for joy. They have been for frustration. For heart ache. For anger. The last year has not been kind to Suzanne. Thankfully her egg donor rallied after that night and some beautiful embryos were created from her precious gift of eggs. I thought I would be hearing similarly incredible news from Suzanne when I heard about her six embryos, but the months since then have been filled with more and more bad news.

I think I've cried just as many tears over her journey as my own. I mean, take a second and go read her TTC Timeline tab. Suzanne and I started trying to conceive just months apart... May 2011 for me and July 2011 for Suzanne. I stand here today, 44 months into the longest, hardest, battle of my life and I'm exhausted. I feel discouraged. I feel broken. I'm just so tired.... but I haven't been through one fraction of what Suzanne has. Natural BFPs, miscarraige, ectopics, oral meds, injectable medications, IUIs, failed IVF, donor eggs, scarred cervix, Asherman's Syndrome, failed FET... She's been through it all. I know Suzanne has felt as if the stars always align against her on 10,000 occasions. Can you blame her? I mean, gah, that's just crazy you guys. But Suzanne has been SO strong though all of this. She has never once heard bad news and let it crush her. She's been knocked down so many times, but every. single. time. she and her husband find a way, come up with a plan, push forward. Theres is a beautiful story of strength in the face of adversity. And through it all, no matter what she had going on in her own life, Suzanne was cheering me on, sending me gifts, being a true friend. And I know many of you have felt the same love and support for her. When she had every right to turn inward and be bitter and not care about others, she chose to love and support and cheer for her friends.

But you guys, it's time for that story to have a happy ending. Today, thanks to her incredible surrogate, K, Suzanne will have the opportunity to place two of her beautiful embryos into a healthy uterus. You guys, my heart my actually explode from pure joy. If I could reach K right now, I'd wrap her up in the biggest hug, and squeeze her tight. Her gift means so much to me. This year has been such a good year for so many of my precious friends. Well over half of my infertile sisters have crossed that illustrious line this year and they are now celebrating the holidays with beautiful, snugly, chubby cheeked little ones. There would be absolutely no better way to cap off this year than a positive pregnancy test for Suzanne. Today is step one. Join with me in praying for a successful transfer today and a long 40 weeks of pregnancy to follow. It's time.

Hop on over to Suzanne's blog and give her some love and support today. Send her an email. Shoot her a text. Let her know that we love her, we're proud of her, and we're rooting for her and and her husband every step of the way.

Forever Waiting

Well, first of all, I survived Thanksgiving. I feel like that's a BIG win this year, so kudos to me for not hightailing it out of there and heading for the mountains with my mom's carrot cake in tow. My niece and brother also stayed over at my mom's house for Thanksgiving, so the house was nice and family-ee all weekend for mom. And BONUS, my niece decided that I wasn't the most horrible person for the first time since she was, well since she was born. As she's two and half, I feel like that's real progress. See below for evidence that she does in fact, sort of kind of, like her auntie (and that she LOVES rubber lizards):

Footie Pjs and rubber lizards for the win

I guess I should also share that we were not selected in the situation I mentioned a couple of weeks ago. Technically, we weren't not selected either as the birth mother decided to parent. I guess that feels pretty different than a situation in which some other potential adoptive parent(s) are chosen. I was only barely sad over the situation when the news finally came. Mostly I was relieved. It had been a long ten days of waiting, so it was just nice to have an answer. I also completely understand why some couples choose not to know when they are submitted to birth mothers. The wait can kill you. I am admittedly not all that ready to do it again (and again). 

And yet, I'm starting to get a little twitchy over the delay. It feels like everything has ground to a complete halt. We were frantic in those first few weeks. The home study made me feel like things were actually moving. I suddenly understood how the "you might have a baby in a few months" statement that my consultant offered at our first appointment could happen. And then one week turned into another which slipped into another and nothing happened. It took for-ever to get our home study and we couldn't do a thing without it. Now that I have it, I can't seem to get people to respond to phone calls or emails. I'm over here like "don't you want to read my home study???" and "hey, let me mail you my pretty profile book!!!" and NO ONE WANTS ME! Wahhh! I'm being slightly dramatic (as usual) but I really need to see some progress. Every opportunity we've seen since the one we presented for has been for soooooo much money... like $39,000 kind of money. I guess I'm just feeling lost and frustrated and stuck... but that's par for the course in infertility land, right? It's not like this is a new feeling or anything. Some days it feels like I'll be waiting forever.

So for now, we're just waiting. Waiting for the right situation to plop into our lives. The home study and profile books are ready to present... we just need someone to present them to. Speaking of our profile book, I wanted to share it here on the blog. We're certainly not against finding a birth mother without the help of an attorney or agency, so if you know someone, or know someone who knows someone, feel free to direct them here. The profile book isn't exactly what I wanted, but there were a lot of opinions and people to please on this one, and ultimately I just had to get it done. Hopefully I shine really bright in the crowd for simply not using Curlz or Comic Sans.