Goodbye 2012

And 2012 is going... going... gone. I'm tempted to say good riddance, but that seems kind of blasphemous, or at least unthankful. And truly I am thankful for this year; I'm just in a pity-party kind of mood. I remember a similar post in 2011 in which I was sad to see 2010 end, it had been a FABULOUS year. I don't feel quite the same way about 2012. Good things happened for sure; I'm just ready for 2013. Ready to put the bad, the sad, the frustrating, the depressing from this year behind me. Having so many fellow bloggers gives some humbling perspective to the idea that "next year is our year" as many of them are in their third, fourth, fifth, etc. year of actively trying to conceive. So I won't say that 2013 will be the year of success, but I have to cling to hope, cling to the idea that 2013 might be the year, and if it is, well, I'm glad it's here.

But like I said, 2012 wasn't all bad. Firstly, I outed myself as infertile. It was a crazy, stressful, overwhelming decision, but I haven't regretted it for one moment. I've found so much support in the blogging world. The camaraderie, the sister-like aspects of blogging about my journey and reading about others' experiences is truly therapeutic. I'm in a much better place than I would have been if I was dealing with this alone. And the support I have received in real life - the friends, the family members, the random strangers - has been unbelievable. It is so comforting to know that people care, really, truly care. This time last year, I was blogging secretly about my experience, about surviving the miscarriage, about starting clomid, and I felt so unbelievably alone. Amazing what can change in a year, when really, nothing has changed at all.

Secondly, we celebrated our second anniversary. Sam and I decided long before we ever said our vows that we would make a point of celebrating our anniversary each year. No matter what. We promised that we wouldn't let kids or jobs or money prevent us from marking each achievement. Well, luckily, jobs haven't been an issue, we've celebrated cheaply, and wouldn't you know, kids still aren't a problem. Our second anniversary wasn't as glamorous as our first, but I'm still happy that, thus far, we've kept our commitment. Let's hope something cheeeaaaap makes itself available for anniversary number three!

Thirdly, in keeping with the marriage aspect, my marriage is in a better place this year than last. Don't get me wrong, we've been great all along, but infertility can really put a strain on things. Sam and I dealt with the miscarriage very differently and it was hard for me to watch him move on so quickly. Initially, we were in very different places on how to move ahead with the infertility diagnosis. It created a lot of tension. I'm happy to say, that we are on the same page now. Maybe not on the same paragraph, but hey, progress is progress. You've got to celebrate the little things. We have a (for now) plan. I won't say that either of us are 100% in love with the plan (who loves a plan that includes IVF?), but we've reached a compromise, and that is a beautiful thing.

Fourth item of fabulousness, we moved! Praise the Lord, Augusta is behind me. Lots of Sam's PT classmates love Augusta (I think there is something in the water), but it wasn't for us. Between the job, the school, the heat, and the cockroaches, we had our fill. We are so happy to be back. We are THRILLED to be close enough to our church, Athens Church, to get involved again. This has been an amazing season for us spiritually both individually and as a couple. We simply can't wait to permanently move to the Athens area.

And lastly, I started treatment. I won't go so far as to say that I'm thankful to need treatment. No, if the good Lord wants to heal me tonight that is fine by me. But, I'm thankful that we've started. If we are going to need to go alllllllll the way to IVF, then I am glad the ball is rolling. I'm glad we didn't wait. I'm glad we didn't "give it more time". I'm pleased that despite the immense amounts of frustration and the fury over our situation, that we've checked boxes off the list. There are less "unknowns" now. We have more answers, not all of the answers, but more than we had at this time last year.

So, in conclusion 2012 was rough, but most importantly we survived. We survived with our marriage and our faith still intact, and let me tell you, some days, that feels like a pretty huge achievement. 2012 certainly left some scars, but nothing that we can't move beyond. Maybe one day, we will be thankful for those scars; stories to tell and all of that. Welcome 2013. Be gentle with me. And puh-lease be "my year".