Stuck in the Mud

I'm stuck. Can't move forward. Can't move back. Just plain stuck. Call the tow-truck.

I HATE feeling like I'm stuck. One of my biggest pet peeves in the world is a lack of efficiency. I like to have a plan and for every second to be the most efficient use of time possible to see said plan come to fruition. The plan is to get pregnant, and I'm doing NOTHING to achieve the plan. I'm stuck.

It's CD 38, yep, 38. And no, I still haven't ovulated. I don't even care, I just want out of this freaking cycle. I fully realize it's a bust. Even if I somehow did ovulate, my lining must look like raisins right about now. I'm not interested in wondering if somehow, someway this might be the month. I'll literally throw a party when I see red. I mean seriously, when was the last time your chart looked like this?

December 2012 BBT chart

Pretty special, right? 

We haven't made any decisions yet about the husband's possible varicocelectomy either. I have a feeling that by the time we get the necessary information from Sam's ridiculous insurance company, the decision will be made for us… April will be the earliest possible month. Boo. And that's if we can even currently afford it. Blughhhh. I did get some additional info from the Urologist to help us make our decision. Here is what he had to say:

1. What are our odds of getting pregnant naturally with the sperm's reduced survivability (assuming no issues with Amanda)? 50%
2. What would our odds of conception be after the surgery? 65-80%
3. How certain are we that the surgery will correct the problem? 99%
4. What are the risks for the surgery? infection, bleeding
5. Are there any risks in NOT doing the surgery? continued damage, lowering testosterone
6. Is the low testosterone in and of itself reason enough for the surgery? yes
7. Is there any risk of losing a testicle due to surgery? (sorry, Sam required it) less than 0.02%
8. How many of these surgeries have you performed? about 4000
9. What are the chances that the varicocele has already damaged the testicles? 95%
10. Would our chances with IVF be diminished in anyway if we DID NOT have the surgery? maybe
11. Is there a greater chance of miscarriage due to damaged DNA? need an SCSA to confirm
12. Would the surgery improve our chances of IVF success? yes

I bet you can guess what my thoughts on all of this are… why would anyone spend $15,000 on IVF before you have done EVERYTHING to give you the BEST possible chance of success? So, we're waiting to hear what the out of pocket expenses would be. And then, if we decide to do it and we have the money, we have to schedule a time. April is probably the best time anyway. The recovery is supposedly a little worse than I originally thought. Sam isn't at a desk position. He's moving people's limbs for them, and occasionally fully assisting people to stand, walk, etc. I don't think lifting/supporting 300 lb people qualifies for "light work". 

As far as I go, not only am I stuck in this crappy cycle, but I'm not moving forward with anything else either. I have a follow-up appointment with my RE in two weeks. I'm of course looking forward to the appointment with some kind of sick need for answers, and yet, fully confident that we won't get any. Everything has been normal or inconclusive so far, I doubt anything will change now. We'll probably discuss laparoscopy again and the pros and cons of an exploratory surgery that may be fruitless.

I'm job hunting. Nothing has turned up yet. I'm not terribly surprised, but I am a little bummed. I mean seriously, who wouldn't want me? I'm fabulous! As I'm still job hunting, that leads to another way in which I'm stuck. You might notice that I've added a little something to my sidebar… a total for our IVF/adoption fund. I fully intend for it to be a permanent fixture as I figure we will be saving and raising money for one of the two for the next decade. But you'll notice that it's not changing. The money that is in there now was from our savings and a generous donation from my mom. The rest is supposed to be from my job. No job = no saving = no progress. Stuck.

We are literally doing NOTHING to see our dreams come true and I'm sick of it. I know that there are people out there who have been trying to conceive for twice as long as me and even much longer. And I'm sure that at some point, everyone who was at this for long periods of time was "doing nothing" at some point. But I hate doing nothing. I just need for something to change. I need to schedule something. I need to feel like something is being accomplished. I don't want to be stuck anymore.