God is Good

I'm starting to hate that phrase. Hang with me for a moment before you chastise me. Lately, I've heard a lot of the "God is good" being passed around. But here's the thing, it only follows the announcement of good news. It goes like this:

So and so got a new job. God is good.

So and so got engaged last weekend. God is good.

So and so is pregnant again. God is good.

So and so is pregnant after X number of years, or X number of procedures. GOD IS SO GOOD.

Don't get me wrong, I think it is important to praise God. And as an infertile, believe me, if I'm ever pregnant again, we just might hire a full choir to sing praises all day long. But here is the kicker for me: Wasn't God good before the new job, the engagement, the marriage, the pregnancy, and the baby? Isn't He, by definition, good? If a defining characteristic of God is that He is good, then doesn't that mean He is good all the time?

I think the thing that stings the most is that this statement somehow comes across like this: "God is good to her, but not to me." If God's goodness is a qualifier, if He is only good after the positive pregnancy test, or the second trimester, or the birth, then He is good to certain people and not good to others. Believe me, some days this is exactly how I feel. I feel like others must deserve His goodness more because I'm getting lapped by fertiles, because infertiles are finding success and I'm spinning my wheels. All too often I feel like He has chosen others to be "good" to, yet I've gotten the cold shoulder. But this is how I feel. This is not what my faith tells me.

Give thanks to the Lord, for he is good; his love endures forever.

Psalm 107:1

The Lord is good to all; he has compassion on all he has made.

Psalm 145:9

Please hear me: When fellow infertility survivors get pregnant, when they achieve the "this is happening" status, when they reach the happy place where fear looses the seesaw war to excitement, when they bring home their miracle, I am so happy for them. I'm not going to sit here and lie and say that I've never been jealous. I think we have all - fertile, infertile - looked at what another woman has and thought "I want that, when will it be my turn?". I felt that looonnnggg before I found out I was infertile. I want a baby, plain and simple. Therefore, I am jealous of anyone who has what I want. But when I see the arduous journey that a fellow infertile has traveled, when I hear the harrowing tales of how she achieved her BFP, I celebrate with her. Somewhere along the line in this infertility mess, we cross over and join "Team Infertile"; it becomes "us" versus "everyone else". So yea, I'm pumped when one of us reaches the other side. It gives us hope to see one of us succeed in spite of crazy odds. In no way do I mean that we should not celebrate or give thanks.

But I think "God is good" might not be the right response to the news. God is good, but not because of the pregnancy. God is good. Period. End of story. When I was growing up, I attended a church at which each Sunday's sermon ended with this: The preacher stated, "God is good," and the parishioners responded "all the time". The preacher would then say, "All the time," and the people would follow with, "God is good". It used to kind of drive me crazy. It became rote. It no longer had any belief or passion in it after five years, at least for me. But now, I'm thinking maybe there was something there.

God is good, all the time. All the time, God is good.

May I always remember that He is good despite bad eggs, bad sperm, broken tubes, wonky hormones, thin uterine linings, failed cycles, and miscarriages. May I continue to praise Him even when His goodness appears to be shining on everyone but me. And may I always remember that there is nothing I can do to deserve His mercies.