It's a Gray-View

About half of you get the pun intended title, and the other half… not so much. It's completely applicable to my follow-up appointment with my new RE yesterday, but it's also how you say my last name. Greavu=gray-view. Or at least, that's how we say it. I'm sure our fellow Romanians across the pond pronounce it slightly different.

Anyway, wit aside. Yesterday's appointment made me want to SCREAM! Don't get me wrong, I still love my doctor. He's the first doctor to come to an appointment super prepared with something to say other than, "do you have any questions?". However, if he said "you're in a gray area" one more time, I swear, I was going to lose it. Let's look at all the gray zone in our lives.

Testosterone- mine's a little high. It was 29 and 31.5 the two times it was tested. It could be a symptom of PCOS, or it could just be a slightly elevated level.

Endometriosis- I might have a mild case of endo, like stage 1 or 2. I have some of the symptoms such as pain and cramping throughout my cycle, not just during my period. But there is no visual evidence.

AMH- If you remember, my AMH has been tested twice, and it varied WILDLY, which it shouldn't. It was 5.7 in May of 2012 and 2.54 in November of 2012. It could be a botched test somewhere. It could be the difference in labs (seems extreme). Or it could be a sign that I'm going into PREMATURE OVARIAN FAILURE basically overnight. 2.54 is still a respectable number, but it's the rate of decrease that is super scary. If it drops again like before, we don't have time to save for IVF.

Tay-sachs- yep, you heard me read it. Sam and I ran a genetic screening through our current RE. It was a super awesome service that screened for the most prevalent things for our ethnicity. I'm "in the gray zone" when it comes to Tay-sachs. I might be a carrier, but they can't tell for sure. Thankfully, Sam is most definitely not.

Sperm Survivability- the sperm definitely have something going on. But what is it and how pertinent is it? Well that's not clear. The diminished survivability might be the reason for the failed IUI's, but it might be something else entirely.

So basically NOTHING is definitive other than this: We're still not pregnant. Oh my FREAKING gosh! I sure am thankful that my insurance has covered all of this blood work because I would want a refund!!! In 9 months of treatment, we've learned next to nothing of value. There is no definitive answer as to why we can't get pregnant. I can't even begin to describe the frustration. I love my doctor, but I have to admit: it feels like we're all blindfolded and throwing darts at a moving target.

It's starting to look a little cloudy with all of that gray in the forecast. However, there was one ray of sunshine in the whole mess. I asked my doctor about finances… what is the "magic" number we need to reach for IVF? $16,000-$18,000. Nope, that's not the ray of sunshine. The bright spot in the whole conversation was this: he doesn't recommend buying into a refund plan. A refund plan offers the patient piece of mind that even if IVF #1 fails, IVF #2 of FET #1 is already paid for. Plus, if the patient completes the program and does not take home a baby, there is a refund of a percentage of the money. It sounds like an awesome deal, until you think about paying DOUBLE the cost if IVF #1 is successful. But the bigger issue for us is the delay. The delay to reach an even greater amount of money. Why does he not recommend a refund program? He believes that with my youth (I love when people tell me I'm young), current AMH level, antral follicle count, and response to medication that I could reasonably expect to get enough embryos in one round of IVF to create our entire family. Pretty sweet, right? Now of course there is the AWFUL possibility that the missing piece in all of this is that my egg quality is sub-par. But once again, I'm in the "gray zone" here. And there is no way to know until after IVF. Some piece of mind, huh?

On a completely relevant side-note: Another item to be thankful for- living in the 21st century. If you aren't up-to-date on Downton Abbey, skip ahead, but for everybody else… Aren't you THANKFUL that you're medical care isn't left up to some pig-headed doctor and your DAD?!?!? Ughhhh! And I'm even more thankful that if I'm going to be infertile, I live at a time and in a country where something can be done about it. Poor Matthew!

Matthew: I wonder now whether the injury might have affected my ughh…. I suppose I mean my fertility. If it may have limited my chances of fathering a child. 

Pig-headed doctor: Is everything working? 

Matthew: Well, yes.

As if the key to a pregnancy is simply one moving part… If only it were so simple.

And on that note, I'm off to drum-up some more bright spots of sunshine because there is entirely to much GRAY in the Greavu household.