Infertility = Marital Strain

I think everyone who goes through infertility struggles would say that it adds stain on their marriage. And honestly, I haven't handled the situation all that well in regards to my dear husband. I think my intensity and fervor have begun to make my husband feel isolated. This is totally not what I intended to do, obviously. However, I think it is probably pretty normal for the struggles with fertility to affect the woman more, especially miscarriage. I don't think men grasp and wrap their minds around pregnancy as fast as most women. I think it was mostly hard for Sam to see me in so much pain and feel helpless. And I guess I can understand where he's coming from. Ultimately, Sam wants kids, sure, but now, I think he mostly wants kids because I do. To him, 30-35, that is perfectly reasonable and rational age to have kids. To him we've got all the time in the world, and I need to "chill out".

But chilling out is not really an option for me. My type A personality plus my need to worry excessively, prevent any form of "chill". I don't feel that relaxing and just "letting it happen" is an option for me, as pregnancy isn't coming very easy for us. I'm having to work and think about the process every day. It starts in the morning with the alarm. To me this doesn't signal "wake up", it signals "take your temperature", 7 days a week. Then the rest of my day, somehow (maybe boredom at work) leads me to think about, plan for, and worry about getting pregnant, pregnancy, and a new baby. I have to check my CF at least 3 times a day, and then, chart, chart, chart, all my symptoms and fertility signs everyday. Then its time to take my OPK test. Then it's time to take the clomid and prenatal vitamins and go to bed praying that this cycle, my miracle is coming. I think it's kind of understandable with all of that going on, that my focus has been leaning towards pregnancy. Especially because no one knows that we are trying to conceive other than Sam and my mom. I can only talk to two people in the whole world about the one thing that consumes 50+% of my thoughts on a daily basis.

That's my vindication for the way I've behaved and my attitude for the last several months; however, proving my feelings are valid isn't the point. The purpose of my marriage is to show Christlike love and compassion to my husband everyday, even when he seems unloveable. So how do I fix this? Obviously I need to chill out with the baby talk. I need to limit discussion of my feelings, symptoms, and dreams it terms of babies, and find something else to talk about again. There will be plenty of time to choose names, pick cribs and bedding, and decide on paint colors once we are pregnant (it takes nine months after all). Secondly, I need to work a bit harder at speaking my husband's love language: words of affirmation. The power of the tongue is important in all marriages, but I have to remember that it is particularly powerful in mine. I speak love to Sam by words of encouragement, and admiration. My words have been telling Sam that my top priority is getting pregnant, not him or our marriage.

My husband is an amazing, AMAZING man. On a daily basis, he is SO good to me! Let me take a moment to brag: Sam regularly checks in on me throughout the day to see how my day at work is going, he cooks dinner for me every night, and nine times out of ten, he does the dishes too (lucky me). He constantly and consistently tells me that he loves me. And he really cares about my feelings. If I'm down, or feeling blah, he attempts to comfort me, or make me laugh. My sweet husband puts up with a lot; I'm not an easy person to live with. These last six months have made that even more apparent. The Lord has blessed me richly by giving me Sam. He is a far better husband to me, than I am a wife to him. I don't deserve his care, compassion, or patience, but I am thankful for it.

I'm praying that I will find ways in the coming months to allow this journey to bring us closer together. I believe that the Lord wants that for us. Maybe it is even a part of the reason for my struggles. I'm praying that the Lord will teach me new and better ways to show love to my husband. And that our communication and unity will grow under the shepherding of the Lord.