Blessings

"Children are a blessing and a gift from the Lord."

~Psalm 127:3

The bible is clear, children are a blessing from the Lord. The scripture goes on to say that the greater number of children you have, the better off you will be. So I can't help but question, why is this blessing being withheld from Sam and I? I go back and forth with this, thinking that it cannot possibly be that the good people get blessed with kids while bad people will suffer infertility. It is obviously not as simple as conceived in sin, or not. My thoughts continue to circle back and forth, returning over and over again to the idea that maybe this blessing is being withheld because I haven't trusted the Lord. I have tried to control the future and plan it all out. After getting married, I took birth control pills and used many forms of contraception because we weren't "ready". Even now, I'm trying to control it by charting, and taking clomid. So maybe this gift is not mine because instead of willingly accepting it in God's time, I'm trying to take it on my own time.

The Duggar family (you know, the ones with 19 kids) have always been kind of hard for me to swallow, that is, until I heard more of their story. Jim Bob and Michelle got married in 1984, and like many newlyweds they chose to go on the pill to prevent conception until they felt they could support a family. When they felt they were ready, Michelle went off the pill and they conceived their first son, Josh. Immediately after giving birth, Michelle went back on the pill. Surprisingly she conceived while on the pill. She miscarried her second child after her second month. They decided then that they would not control the size of their family any longer; they would give it to God. A few months after that decision, they conceived twins. So maybe it is all about giving it over to God, and trusting in His promises.

But then I second guess myself as a travel down that road, thinking that taking a doctors advice in this situation is the same as taking a doctors advice in any other moment. So if I was diagnosed with a treatable disease, would I choose not to receive treatment? Absolutely not! So why shouldn't I follow my doctor's lead and do everything possible to increase my chances of conception? Ultimately the miracle still rests in God's hands. Nothing that I do or my doctors do can take the power from the Lord.

So then I think, well maybe it's because I'm not asking for the blessing loud enough, or long enough, or often enough. I think back to reading the book, The Prayer of Jabez, in middle school. The idea behind this book is that Jabez called upon the Lord asking for blessings, and the Lord heard him and answered his prayer. Maybe the Lord is waiting, wanting to give me this gift, but waiting for me to turn to Him and fall on my knees asking for Him to bless me richly.

Obviously, I have a lot of time on my hands to ponder all of these complex topics and more. And I don't know that I'll ever know why one person conceives accidentally while another will try for years and never conceive. I'm in the midst of the dreaded "two week wait" right now, so I'm sure I'll have lots of time to think on this and many other things during this time. But hears to hoping that my first of many blessings is already on the way!