2WW

For those of you not up on your TTC lingo, 2WW means two week wait. Basically referring to the average two week time frame between ovulation and the expected start of the next cycle. And let me tell you, fourteen days have never seemed so long. I'll admit, I cheat all the time and test early, which is totally dumb because even when I get a negative, I don't accept it. I tell myself "maybe it was too early". So I convince myself to wait a few more days and waste another three dollars. Another admission: I don't usually even have to wait two weeks. I have long cycles, but my luteal phase (the time from ovulation to menstruation) averages about ten days.

Well not this cycle! Although the clomid did nothing to move my ovulation date up, it seems to have increased my luteal phase, which is good. A short luteal phase, known as luteal phase defect, is a serious hindrance to implantation. Basically I can conceive, but the fertilized egg doesn't have the time to implant in the uterus before my body starts sending the "cancel" signal to start preparing for menstruation. A fourteen day luteal phase is considered perfect (exactly two weeks) and that is exactly what I am sitting on today. Tomorrow I can test with moderate confidence. But these fourteen days have been an emotional roller coaster. I simply expect my period by day twelve at the latest. The only time I've gone longer, I was pregnant, so you can imagine every day past ten, my heart inflates a little more. If AF (aunt flow) shows, my bubble will burst and I will fall quite a distance to smack back onto the pavement of reality.

There is absolutely no way anyone who has not experienced one BFN (big fat negative) after another could possibly understand the emotional toll trying to conceive can have on a woman (and her husband). Even women who experience miscarriage won't necessarily understand. For many, miscarriage is a horrible, overwhelming, devastating period, but they are soon gifted with a healthy pregnancy which helps to alleviate some of that heartache. But infertility, that is another story entirely. Month after month, you ride a roller coaster nightmare. You are strapped in, can't get off, have to finish the ride. The problem is, it never ends, it simply starts again. Some days I feel optimistic, I think to myself, "maybe this is it". Hours or days later, my optimism is missing, replaced by something worse than pessimism. It's called depression. It's dark and lonely. Tears don't clear the air to a brighter outlook, they just leave a stuffy nose and bloodshot eyes. Laughter is half-hearted and hollow. Despite knowing in my head that thousands of women are experiencing the same thing, I feel so alone. There is no one to talk to but Sam and my mom. Sam doesn't like talking about it, and my mom is often too optimistic and cheerful to stomach (sorry mom). She is what the world calls a "glass is half-full" kind of lady, and she has spent twenty-six years trying to help her "glass is half-empty" daughter have a more positive outlook, but to no avail. In these dark moments, I want to wallow in my despair and have someone truly understand. But there is no one. Instead I'm surrounded by happy pregnant ladies looking radiant and full of life who discuss names and nurseries.

I think my 2WW is coming to an end soon, and I don't think I'll get that BFP (big fat positive) this time. My temperature chart is starting to show that downward slide that means AF is coming to visit.

So here is to hoping if she's on her way, she'll come soon, stay short, and that I won't have to see her ugly face again for at least nine months!