The baby dust that is. Baby dust is what fellow TTCers sprinkle your way when they are wishing you good luck. Message boards are full of baby dust showers and sprinkles.
Yesterday, Sam dropped the bomb on me that another one of our friends is pregnant. I literally burst into tears. The angry green jealousy monster that permanently resides in me reared her ugly head. I didn't want to know any details, how far along, boy/girl, nothing! But because I'm sick and twisted and love pain, I asked. The icing on the cake: they weren't even trying. My mood for the day plummeted! I couldn't even scrounge up a lick of joy or excitement for them. I just sat in my dark, lonely head and threw a pity party.
Today, my head is a little more clear. I truly am so very happy for them! They will make amazing parents! I wish I didn't react this way, but when caught off guard, I tend to react negatively until I have time to process the news and realign my thoughts.
Before you judge me too negatively, know that I am not only a desperate woman, but also affected by fertility meds that seem to enhance my craziness. Also, let me assure you who are not in the midst of trying to conceive, I am not alone in my crazy reactions: I will leave you with an excerpt from the book Every Drunken Cheerleader: Why Not Me?
When it comes to handling baby showers or the big announcement that yet another friend is pregnant, you get pretty good at faking congratulations. While you are undeniably happy for your friend or family member that God has chosen to be a mother, you are reminded by the way of the announcement that He has not yet chosen you. The pendulum of emotion can be dizzying. I have made no secret through writing this book that I suffered a serious case of jealousy. I can only apologize to myself and those I love for the green monster that manipulated me for such a long time. I once read that jealousy is like taking poison and expecting the other person to die. It is true that the person who suffers most in this unbalanced emotional state is the one chewing on the jagged pill of envy.
Truly, like this author states, it's not an issue that I wish they weren't pregnant, it's simply a reminder, that I'm still not pregnant. It is not a question of why her, but rather why not me? Hopefully with time, I'll learn to react in a more positive light (better yet, hopefully I won't have to wait long enough to learn that lesson).
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