It's Time

I imagine we all have special relationships within this community. For one reason or another, some just burrow down deep into our hearts. Time, and distance, and course of treatment don't affect the relationship. You can be adopting in Georgia and she can be doing donor eggs via a gestational carrier in Colorado and it doesn't change a thing. I've had many of those friendships find me throughout this infertility journey. Every single woman behind every single blog has meant so much to me, but there are always some who are forever a part of my story. One of those women for me is Suzanne.

It was a late night in September 2013. Suzanne and I had been texting throughout the evening. She was really worried about her donor, "Goose, " and her response to stims. Things were going much slower than expected and we were all very worried about a cancelled cycle. I remember riding down Broad Street with my husband when the strangest words came out of my mouth: "I want Suzanne to get this [a baby] more than I want it for us." It sounded weird, but as I talked it out with him, I kept coming to the same conclusion. I wanted a baby with every fiber of my being, but there were some ladies who I had grown to love deeply over the years who just, I don't know "deserved" it more. That's not really the right word... reproduction is a basic faculty of humanity... we all "deserve" to have that work correctly, in between the bed sheets and not under paper ones or in a lab. So that's not the word, but I don't know what is... I just knew that I really, really, REALLY needed this to work for these special friends. I detailed the absolutely overwhelming circumstances that Aubrey and Suzanne and other friends were up against at that time and explained that they were so brave, so strong, so deserving. That I just needed this to work… it would be a healing force to my faith.

Thankfully, just a few months later, Aubrey got THE BEST NEWS EVER. I got the news from Aubrey while sitting in a Georgia Basketball game… I'll never forget it. As I read her news, tears streamed down my cheeks. This was exactly what I had wanted for her… the tears were 100% pure joy! If Suzanne could just transfer and bring home a baby, if Erika could bring home her daughter, all would somehow be right with the wold. But all was not right… as we've all seen, things go right for one person, and terribly horribly wrong for others with no rhyme or reason. Aubrey's good news was not the catalyst for more for my other sweet friends. Since then, the tears I've shed for Suzanne have not been for joy. They have been for frustration. For heart ache. For anger. The last year has not been kind to Suzanne. Thankfully her egg donor rallied after that night and some beautiful embryos were created from her precious gift of eggs. I thought I would be hearing similarly incredible news from Suzanne when I heard about her six embryos, but the months since then have been filled with more and more bad news.

I think I've cried just as many tears over her journey as my own. I mean, take a second and go read her TTC Timeline tab. Suzanne and I started trying to conceive just months apart... May 2011 for me and July 2011 for Suzanne. I stand here today, 44 months into the longest, hardest, battle of my life and I'm exhausted. I feel discouraged. I feel broken. I'm just so tired.... but I haven't been through one fraction of what Suzanne has. Natural BFPs, miscarraige, ectopics, oral meds, injectable medications, IUIs, failed IVF, donor eggs, scarred cervix, Asherman's Syndrome, failed FET... She's been through it all. I know Suzanne has felt as if the stars always align against her on 10,000 occasions. Can you blame her? I mean, gah, that's just crazy you guys. But Suzanne has been SO strong though all of this. She has never once heard bad news and let it crush her. She's been knocked down so many times, but every. single. time. she and her husband find a way, come up with a plan, push forward. Theres is a beautiful story of strength in the face of adversity. And through it all, no matter what she had going on in her own life, Suzanne was cheering me on, sending me gifts, being a true friend. And I know many of you have felt the same love and support for her. When she had every right to turn inward and be bitter and not care about others, she chose to love and support and cheer for her friends.

But you guys, it's time for that story to have a happy ending. Today, thanks to her incredible surrogate, K, Suzanne will have the opportunity to place two of her beautiful embryos into a healthy uterus. You guys, my heart my actually explode from pure joy. If I could reach K right now, I'd wrap her up in the biggest hug, and squeeze her tight. Her gift means so much to me. This year has been such a good year for so many of my precious friends. Well over half of my infertile sisters have crossed that illustrious line this year and they are now celebrating the holidays with beautiful, snugly, chubby cheeked little ones. There would be absolutely no better way to cap off this year than a positive pregnancy test for Suzanne. Today is step one. Join with me in praying for a successful transfer today and a long 40 weeks of pregnancy to follow. It's time.

Hop on over to Suzanne's blog and give her some love and support today. Send her an email. Shoot her a text. Let her know that we love her, we're proud of her, and we're rooting for her and and her husband every step of the way.

Hard Choices

For the sake of simplicity in this post, I'm dividing our next steps into two groups: group 1- we both (Sam and I) have a genetic relationship, and group 2- one and/or both of us do not have a genetic relationship with our child.

I'm currently struggling with our next steps. Unfortunately, I don't even really know what I want, which makes it particularly hard to agree (or disagree) with Sam about any of it. Every time I try to talk about any of the options, I start to cry. I'm feeling particularly vulnerable at the moment and all possible plans make me feel even more so. But I like to have plans, so I continue to think through them even if it's uncomfortable.

There are things that I like and don't like about each of the possible plans. I like that domestic infant adoption feels quick(ish)… it's certainly not a guarantee, but the possibility is there. I like that IVF gives me the potential to overcome infertility. I like that donor embryos is a cheap less expensive option. But with all the plans that fall into group 2 (donor egg, donor embryo, domestic and international adoption) I have a couple of things that I really don't like, a couple of things that I'm afraid of and can't seem to work through.

I've said several times before that adoption has always been a part of my family building plan. In my teens and early twenties, my dream was for 4-5 biological children first and then 1-2 adopted children, specifically via international adoption. To say I had a rose colored glasses view of adoption would be an understatement. I had never heard of adoption scams, or stealing infants from hospitals. I would never have dreamed that there was an underground rehoming network taking place in my own country. Adoption just seemed beautiful: it was all about rescue and redemption. I never thought I might need adoption in order to have a family, so it seemed almost ministerial rather than simply family building. 

My view of adoption has slowly changed. I'm honestly a little afraid of adoption. I'm afraid of getting in over my head, of unknowingly contributing to crime, of separating a child from his/her first family unnecessarily. In no way do I mean to say that adoption is bad. I have many, many friends who have or are currently adopting. I've seen adoption work. I've seen adoption be beautiful just like I imagined. But I've also heard things that make me nervous, things that seem to freeze my feet in place. 

My greatest fear with adoption seems to be spreading into all forms of family building that don't have a genetic connection, essentially all plans in group 2. My greatest fears center around the third party... the biological mother and/or father. Whether you want to admit it or not, adoption, donor embryo, and donor egg/sperm all have a third party involved. The fact that I would not have a genetic reflection in the face of my child isn't what I'm afraid of... looking at my child and not seeing high cheekbones or thick brown hair doesn't frighten me. What scares me is how the third party (or lack there of) might affect my child. How not knowing anything about his biological mom might forever leave a giant hole in his life. It seems to be a nonissue for some kids and a giant deal for others… I'm not sure if the difference is in the children or how they are raised.

In donor egg/sperm situations there is almost always no information available. In some instances, the couple receiving the eggs only knows height, weight, hair and eye color, and education level. Other than that, they simply know the donor passed whatever sort of preliminary tests required of donors. Unlike is most adoptions, even once the child turns 18, there is simply no additional information to provide the child… she will never know more about the woman who helped create her. The lack of information is typically to protect the donor from a child/children hunting for her years later. I don't think this eliminates donor eggs for us, but it's certainly something to think about, something to prepare for, something to process.

If the fear of raising a child who feels like a giant piece is missing from her life due to the lack of information frightens us, it seems that our next steps should be some form of open adoption or open embryo donation. But the moment I hear "open" an entire new set of fears arise.  I'm not sure if it makes me insecure or shallow but the idea of my child knowing and/or seeing his biological parents scares the dickens out of me. My dream of parenting never included a third party... the "adoption triad" as it's called. I understand why it's often the best situation for the child, but oh my heart. I'm not sure if I'm mature enough to handle that dynamic... I imagine I would forever be jealous of any connection my child might have with his/her biological parents. Meeting up at a park or inviting them to birthday parties scares me... and not simply because our parenting styles might be different or they might not be people I'd naturally choose for my child to hang out with. My biggest fear is that my child would prefer them over me. (insecure much?)

I can literally hear it ring in my ears, "you're not my mom." She might scream it as she turns, flouncing her hair, and slamming her bedroom door. The words probably came following a fight about boys or make-up. I'm pretty sure I said equally mean and hurtful things to my parents growing up, but that phrase might just rip my heart out if I ever hear it. It might be my biggest fear about losing the genetic connection with my kid(s). I certainly don't want to raise kids who feel incomplete, but I'm also afraid of allowing the biological parents into our lives. I'm afraid of how the third party would change my relationship with my child. It all just feels scary and foreign in ways I wasn't prepared to feel until group 2 was really right in front of me.

All of these thoughts have been swirling around ever since I wrote "Plans G-K". I had asked Sam several weeks ago to start thinking through our options so that we could discuss it soon. We finally talked about how we each feel about the different plans this past weekend. Essentially, I feel like we have six options (not including another FET or living child-free).

1. Expensive IVF: Somewhere with GOOD statistics like CCRM or maybe Advanced Fertility Centers of Chicago
2. Cheap(er) IVF: It would be $1000 less to go back to FIRM (which was already a fraction of the cost) for another round
3. Domestic Adoption
4. International Adoption
5. Donor Eggs
6. Donor Embryos

It should be shocking to no one that Sam and I didn't list our options in the same order. That would make things way too easy.

Sam's list: 3, 5, 6, 1, 4, 2
Amanda's list: 1, 5, 6, 3, 2, 4

Sam likes adoption for two things: he thinks it will be faster and that it's more of a sure thing.
I like IVF with CCRM (or other really good clinics) because it eliminates all of my above fears and allows me another shot at beating infertility (I'm not normally so competitive). International adoption is at the bottom of my list because, if this happens to be the only child we ever have, I don't want to miss having a baby. And I think repeating IVF at FIRM is at the bottom of both of our lists because of my poor response. It just seems dumb to repeat the same thing and hope for different results.

So how do we move forward from here? Obviously, we arm wrestle for it. I think the best move from here is to research each of our top options first. We might have a phone consult at CCRM and go to a few informational meetings at a couple adoption agencies. I've just finished reading Called to Adoption: A Christian's Guide to Answering the Call. I'm on the hunt for other good reads. I don't think we're in a desperate hurry to make up our minds… I'm in a desperate hurry to have a baby, but as all options cost a good chunk of change, it won't be any time soon. We've got time to research and talk and pray… hopefully our next steps will seem clearer to both of us with time. I do think I'll schedule a consult with Dr. Duffy at FIRM in the coming weeks to at least discuss the possibility of transferring all four remaining embryos. If he likes that idea, that may be our next step as it's certainly the cheapest and we'll have fully exhausted our options before moving forward.

Essentially, all of these are good options… there's no bad option here is it brings us a child of our own. But that doesn't mean choosing is easy… these are hard choices to make. These are decisions that I never in my wildest dreams thought we'd be making, not even when infertility was dumped on us. I'm still trying to wrap my mind around the reality of our life. There are moments when I just want to cry, tell God he's completely unfair, and refuse to give up any more than I already have. In those moments I just want a baby without stress or fear, without worry or heartache… I just want it to be simple. But simple it is not. I certainly don't believe the old saying that the Lord won't give us more than we can handle… I think the story of Job pretty clearly disputes that. But I do think wherever He leads me or allows my life to go, He'll see me through. He's allowed infertility to be a part of my life for one reason or another… I have to believe He'll see me to the other side, hard choices and all.

Plan G-K

Our Plan A went out the window a long time ago... we all know that. It was just over two years ago that we moved onto Plan B also known as Clomid, but it seems ages ago... like seriously, lightyears ago. But it is what it is; plans change and we have to adapt and change with them. When one door closes, you can either try to pry it open, or you can move onto the next one.

My dear sweet husband has calmed my ever increasing anxiety over our FET by reminding me that it won't, in fact, take half a year or more to save up the funds. I completely forgot in my absolute panic that we take money directly out of my check each month and place it into our health savings account... $500 to be exact. Add in the fact that Uncle Sam owes us big time, and well, the FET isn't too far away after all.

Speaking of tax refunds: whoa friends, itemizing medical expenses is about as much fun as a root canal. Seriously, it took us all weekend to do our taxes. And while we are getting a pretty decent refund, it was also immensely depressing to see where all of our money went last year. In case you didn't know, if you spend a large chunk of change on medical expenses, you can choose to claim those as deductions if you itemize your taxes. And by large chunk of change I really mean it. You used to be able to claim medical expenses if you spent over 7.5%, but of course that recently went up to 10%. I don't understand tax jargon, but the 10% is based off of your adjusted gross income... whatever that is. Sooo, all of this is to say that we spent almost 40% (37% to be exact) of our income on medical expenses in 2013. And no, I did not have chemotherapy, a boob job, or get a lung transplant. Nope, that's 99.9% infertility treatments and testing. Lovely. Oh, and that doesn't actually include our entire IVF... everything that we paid for after December 31, 2013 doesn't count towards that total... we're just getting a jump on next year's tax return. But like I said, at least there is a refund with our name on it. It won't make up for not having infertility coverage, not by a long shot, but at least it's something.

Anyway, moving on. The FET will (fingers crossed) be my next cycle... which should start the first week of March. If not, then I'm certainly hopeful it will be the next cycle. But as I've said before, I can't get too excited about the frozen embryo transfers. Not with day 3, grade 3 embryos... it feels like a long shot at best. To keep myself from spiraling into the abyss that is "woe is me" I'm trying to look into some backup plans incase IVF and all subsequent FETs are a bust for us. I know that the research doesn't actually do anything, but it eases my mind just a bit to feel like there's a plan. If I focus all my energy and hope into these precious embryos that struggled for just three days of life, I will fall into despair at the mere suggestion that they will fail. But if there is a backup plan, failure doesn't seem quite as hopeless. Make sense? No, I didn't think so.

So what would be next for us after these FETs? I feel like we've been here before... in fact, I'm pretty much sure of it. "The plan" was to do one IVF, if the IVF failed (which it did) we would systematically move through the available FETs. If all of those failed (which they might) we would move on to adoption. Eeek! Screech! Bang! That's me putting the breaks on. Six months ago I was ready to dive into adoption. But I suddenly feel anxious when I think about adoption... I've got to sort through my feelings on this before I can definitively say that it is our next step. I've got to think this through a little bit. And wouldn't you know, Mr. I Don't Know How I Feel About Adoption, is ready to move forward. But suddenly, adoption seems very scary, very foreign, and very overwhelming to me. I can't explain why exactly, it just does. But I'm not eliminating it, it's definitely still an option, it's just... there are other options.

Typically, lists start with A or 1, but let's be real... none of these are our first option for our first baby. We'll start with G, that seems about right.

Plan G: CCRM... I know, I just said one fresh IVF. One and done, that was our deal. Whoever said IVF was addicting... they were right. A small piece of me doesn't want to give up the dream of our baby inside of me. A bigger piece of me wants to beat infertility. Like knockout style. I don't want to go out on a losing note. Is that reason enough to haul our butts all the way across the country to a place where I will most assuredly be unhappy (I get the feeling CCRM and I won't get along) on the chance that they can do better with the dreadful eggs my body offers up? I guess that's to be determined. Cost for IVF at CCRM approx $26,000… not including travel.

Plan H: Donor embryos. For some reason, donor embryos have been on my mind a lot lately. I love the thought that I can save someone's embryos from being trashed. I don't love the thought that we might be buying embryos of poor quality. I know that you know the grades going in, but let's be really honest: those embryos are another infertile couples' leftovers. Everyone works through their embryos best to worst, so it is safe to assume that any remain embryos are the poorer quality of the bunch. I'm sure some are excellent and destined to be beautiful children, but some are most likely not. However, donor embryos is significantly cheaper than many other options, so it's probably the most feasible for us. In addition, it gives us the added bonus of experiencing a pregnancy. Admittedly, this is probably a little more important to me than Sam, but I think a pregnancy would be special to him too. Cost for donor embryos approx $6,000-10,000.

Plan I: Donor eggs. This would essentially solve our two greatest desires for Sam and I... genetic connection for him, pregnancy experience for me... at a cost. A significant one at that. I think the most likely scenario for us would be to return to RBA and use their My Egg Bank program with frozen donor eggs. The cost is significantly less than a fresh donor egg cycle, but you only get 6 eggs... scares the dickens out of me. Cost for frozen donor eggs approx $16,000-18,000. Cost for fresh donor eggs approx $30,000.

Plan J: International adoption. It was always part of my dream. And maybe it still is. I don't know. I think I kind of had a rose colored glasses type of perspective on international adoption. I still think it's beautiful, I'm just not sure how to ensure it's beautiful rather than painful, violent, or heartbreaking. Jen Hatmaker's series on international adoption opened my eyes and I can't close them back. And there's the price tag, and the hurdles like: we're not 30, and we haven't been married 10 years, or another 800 things some of the countries require... I don't know if we'd even be accepted into an agency at this time. And lastly, at least for our first child (looking like only) I really just want a baby, not an 18 month old, not a four year old, a baby. Cost for international adoption approx $25,000-40,000.

Plan K: Domestic Adoption. Again, the blinders are fully off. I've known quite a few people who experienced failed adoptions last year... it's not as simple as it looks. And if I'm being abundantly honest, I'm kind of afraid of what it would feel like to raise a child who wants to know their "real mom"... I'm afraid I'd constantly have to compete with "the other mom". And we're quite a number of steps between now and bringing home an infant via adoption... no social worker would clear us in our current living arrangements. So a house or a much nicer rental location is required before we could even start the process. Cost for domestic adoption approx $30,000.

So like I said: when one door closes, you can either try to pry it open, or you can move onto the next one…. we haven't decided which plan we're going with. We might try to pry open the stubborn door of IVF with our own eggs and sperm, or we might move on to a different door. And who knows, we might circle around the doors a few times knocking to see if there's a bring home baby behind one. But for now, I guess we're focusing on FET #1… and researching on the side just in case.