Chuggin' Along

Well, I guess I should start off by saying that I survived the first round of shots... and the second, and the third, and now the fourth. I know; I wasn't sure I was going to make it either. We've decided that applying ice beforehand helps. Other than that, I'm at the mercy of my injector, but thus far it's been fairly smooth. I did have one small snafu on Saturday night in which I didn't properly screw the small gauge needle on, so during the injection, the Menopur came out of the joint between the syringe and the needle rather than going into me. That was a rough night... lots of cursing as I had to be injected an additional time. Otherwise, we've been doing okay.

This morning I had my first monitoring appointment with Dr. Duffy. As I've never been monitored on CD 4 before, I had no idea what to expect. I didn't have my phone handy to write down all the numbers, but I'm guessing he called out 12-15 follicles between left and right... largest measured 8mm and smallest measured 4mm. I figured he was going to keep me at the same dose or even bump me down... 8mm seems larger for three doses of meds. He seemed to disagree. He's bumped the meds up to 225iu of Gonal-F and 150iu of Menopur, which means I definitely have to order more Menopur and most likely Gonal-F as well. Boo. I'm trying not to be too suspicious of this increase... I could second guess every decision along the way. I'm of course a little concerned Mr. 8mm is going to surge ahead and leave everyone else behind. I'm also concerned that I'll ovulate before I go back in, but he's got me starting Cetrotide Thursday morning, so hopefully that will be soon enough to waive off any ovulation signals my body may start sending.

As if venipuunctures and shots weren't enough, I also decided to do acupuncture during IVF. Obviously, as I haven't tried acupuncture until now, I'm sort of suspicious of it. Essentially, anything that claims to be able to fix EVERYTHING with the same procedure/protocol/pill, well, I'm a little suspicious of that. And thus far, I feel like my preconceived notions of it were fairly accurate. They all seem 150% confident that acupuncture will help A-get me pregnant, B-heal my body, C-keep me pregnant, and D-remove all the stress in my life. All right then, let me see it! Today was session one. Unfortunately the practitioner that I chose was unavailable this week, so she sent me to another lady so I wouldn't have to miss any appointments during my stim cycle. She was okay... she seemed to hint regularly that "western medicine" may call me unexplained, but she has already found many things that are wrong and she's confident that acupuncture can help/fix them all. The session was okay... not really what I'd call relaxing. I was freezing cold and obviously, couldn't cover up as I had a bunch of needles sticking out of me. Essentially, it was just odd. And I had a pretty fierce headache after that lasted about half an hour. However, this trip is all about no regrets. I figure acupuncture can't hurt, so I'll see it through till the end.

In other less tedious news, I got new makeup! Eekkk! As a high schooler I was all about Mary Kay makeup... as a newlywed I discovered that I couldn't rationalize twenty dollar foundation and ten dollar eye shadow. I've been using the same makeup for years (and years). The essential things that I run out of like foundation have been replaced with cheap drug store products like ELF. Well today was the day! Sam got me a gift card to Ulta for Christmas and my mom graciously filled in the gap. I am the proud new owner of some lovely Bare Minerals products! Soooo fun! I might actually enjoy wearing makeup again. Here's a pic to show off the new look:

Let's agree to pretend that I did my hair today and that
I'm not in pajamas at 5:30 when this was taken, okay?

So that's about it. Overall, I'd say I'm doing pretty well. I lost a few tears the night of the Menopur incident and a few more the morning Sam left, but otherwise, the emotions seem to be fairly stable. We will see how long I can hold it together on the larger dose. Next monitoring appointment isn't until Friday!

A Little Reality Check

The title of this post was supposed to be "Green Light" meaning we got the go ahead to proceed with IVF: no cysts, no wonky blood levels, no issues. Start your engines kind of talk. That was the title until our consultation this afternoon. Let me go ahead and end the suspense by saying we did eventually get the green light, but there was a total of about ten minutes there where I wasn't sure we would ever do IVF. Okay, so now that I've peaked your interest, lets rewind, shall we?

This morning I had my appointment for ultrasound and blood work... I was expecting it to be thirty minutes max. It was over three hours. Blood work was quick... only one vial. I'm not sure why, but I assumed IVF required like 80 vials a day or something terrible. Then we proceeded to the ultrasound room. Why nurses feel the need to tell you to strip half naked when the doctor is running behind I will never know. Hanging out on a table with a sheet covering you for half an hour is just not fun. However, the doctor came in and the party officially started. He was all excited, which helped me to get excited. "Woo hoo, here we go," kind of stuff. The ultrasound was fine. I'm not exactly sure what my antral follicle count is. He said 5 at one point while looking at the right, which just about made me come off the table. But then he said, "I don't count higher than 5" when I asked, and he then proceeded to show me that the left had more than 10.... not sure if the right had more than 5 too. I'm trying to be happy and satisfied with the fact that I have follicles... some women would kill for those.

There were no cysts, so that was all good. I assumed that was the end, but he then sent us to talk with a nurse. She went over all the paperwork (more signatures required than buying a house) and injections again. They decided they needed a HIV test and a semen analysis on Sam as his last tests were from December of 2012. We had to wait forever for the next person who went over the costs of everything. I don't care how low the cost starts, it's always more than you were planning... there are always little extras that "aren't included" like anesthesia. It was about $1100 more than we had previously been quoted after all was said and done, but whatever. We're moving on.

We finished up the morning (now afternoon) with a semen analysis and then finally got released. We managed to get Sam's prescription for antibiotics filled (FREE) and then grab a little lunch before heading back to the clinic for our consultation with Dr. Duffy regarding eggs, embryos, what to freeze and when. And that is where all hell broke loose.

When we got there, they took us straight back to his office and the nurse said she'd check to see if the analysis was ready from earlier. She came by and clipped something to our file a few minutes earlier. After about ten minutes Dr. Duffy showed up to review the analysis and begin our consultation. We could tell he was really unsettled. He asked Sam if he'd ever done an analysis before... ughhh, yeah, like five or six.... we've been to a urologist for goodness sake. He flipped through our records a few times before finally saying that he was just stumped. He asked Sam if anything traumatic had happened, did he have surgery, was he on testosterone, had he done anything to cause this: (at which point he showed the results) 14 sperm. Not 14 hundred million, not even 14 million, just 14 and they were ALL non-motile. Cue absolute freak out.

I some how internalized in 2.4 seconds that it would not be good if I lost it in front of Sam. I didn't want him to think I was blaming him, mad at him, any of that, so instead of sobbing or screaming I just started flipping through my notebook. I'm pretty sure I said "this is impossible" like ten times as I kept handing the doctor more and more old tests. He started talking about options: things like, test again in a week, go back on birth control, cancel the cycle... I'm pretty sure I was starting to unravel. I could tell Sam was really upset. He was perfectly still, but I touched his leg and it was about 100 degrees... he was about ten seconds away from bursting into flames. At which point Sam leaned forward and said "that's not my social". People, I. nearly. died.

For a full ten minutes I was in somebody else's shoes; I've never been so thankful to enter back into my own. It was an incredible reality check for both of us... as awful as it is to be here, to need IVF, at least IVF can help us. IVF can't do anything for 14 dead sperm. The doctor just about lost it himself but not from relief, from rage. I wouldn't be too surprised if someone lost their job over that little error. Needless to say he apologized a ton, reassured us that mistakes like this are incredibly unusual and that he and everyone who works at the clinic are held to a high level of responsibility. I was so relieved, I didn't even care. He went and picked up the correct analysis and returned with a much better report. We were able to salvage the rest of the consult, though it's probably needless to say that I was extremely frazzled and he was still really mad. I think we scrounged up enough info to move forward, but that's a post for another day.

For tonight, I'm simply insanely thankful to be where we are. Our hopes and dreams almost came to a screeching halt today. There's nothing like a little reality check to remind you that there are always worse scenarios than the one you're in. Instead of a cancelled cycle, we have a green light to move forward. We start meds tonight... 150iu of gonal-F and 75iu of Menopur. I can honestly say that I've never been more excited and I've never felt more blessed to be able to do these injections. We are so incredibly blessed to be here, financially able to afford this, with the chances we have due to the eggs and sperm we have... so, so blessed.

Merry Christmas to Me

This is going to be brief you guys... I'm exhausted. We literally just got into our hotel room. After three attempts to enter three different rooms, it has been determined that the key card system at the hotel has malfunctioned... only the master key card works. Thank God, that it does or I'd be asleep in the hallway of the StayBridge Suites in Jacksonville... I'm that tired.

Christmas came and went in a flurry as usual. My mom has a big family. Her mother is still living along with four siblings all of whom have children and three of the five siblings have grandchildren now. There were about 30 people in her house last night. My introverted self was exhausted just from that, but add in all the cooking, cleaning, and decorating, well, I'm just not sure how my mom does it. But it was beautiful! And yummy, except, I wouldn't know about that!

We started off Christmas morning at my mom's with just my mom, stepdad, Sam, and I. Sam and I received some lovely gifts from everyone! Most notable were:

Despicable Me 2: first up on the list of movies to watch in Jville

A new nutcracker to add to my collection

You can see that Everest was chilling out Christmas morning as well. What you can't see is that she went CRAZY over a little furry hedgehog thing with catnip inside. Love that little girl. You can also see that I added some awesome infinity scarves to my pajama attire... lovely.

Happy Christmas family-sans Boo Boo

Unfortunately we didn't get the full family. It's hard enough to get a good photo with Sterling, add in Everest and her tendency for red eyes, and well, our family photos usually fail. Just imagine a sweet little fluff ball, okay? And just to prove that we clean up, here's one of us in front of mom's (ah-mazing) tree!

Nine Christmases with this handsome man!

And last but not least, let us not forget the best gift of all:

IVF meds

That's right people, it's almost time. I'm fairly certain this is the most expensive gift to ever grace my home the week of Christmas... so Merry Christmas to me. I'll be back tomorrow with an update after our appointments and when my brain is slightly less frazzled from a 7.5 hour drive.

The Thrill of Hope

The holidays are hard for so many people. They remind you of a difficult childhood, of a broken marriage, or a child gone astray. Christmas somehow so poignantly reminds us of what we don't have, or what we've lost, of what we're missing. It's strange, isn't it? That's certainly not the purpose of Christmas, and yet it happens every year.

For infertile women, Christmas can be incredibly difficult. Christmas seems to be wrapped and twisted and tied up around children, which is wonderful, and beautiful, and so special if you have them. It's when you don't have children, and yet it is your greatest desire to do so, that Christmas morphs into this great big mirror reflecting back to you what you don't have. It's kind of like in Harry Potter with that mirror, the Mirror of Erised... Harry, who has never seen his mother and father together, who has never felt their warm embrace, who has never seen them smile at him, sees his family together again. The Mirror shows him the single, deepest desire of his heart. For an infertile woman, Christmas acts as that mirror. All around us, the families are making memories and starting traditions. Children anticipate Santa, they make reindeer food, bake Santa cookies, read Twas the Night before Christmas; they decorate a birthday cake for Jesus, count down the days, and awake each morning to see where a (creepy) little elf has gone. These are all things that we have wanted to do with our own children for so long, and yet we simply watch other families enjoy these times together. For some, the image is more real for they came so close to the dream. Christmas becomes a marker of "my baby would have been 9 months, or my baby would have been 3 years".

For me, this could have been our second Christmas with our son or daughter... we could have had a nineteen month old child to celebrate with this year. I look at Christmas and I clearly see what could have been. My loss was years ago, and yet at Christmas it is somehow more new, more raw, more apparent than at other times of the year. I can't help but think of my friends who will experience their first Christmas after a loss, be that a miscarriage, a still birth, or a failed adoption. In every situation there was hope that THIS Christmas would be different, but instead it is more of the same with a lot more pain.

And yet despite all the sadness and the pain, for some reason, Christmas also gives us renewed hope. I'm not sure if that has to do with the closing of another year and the hope of the next... kind of a "2013 wasn't what we hoped, but 2014 might be" kind of thing. Or maybe it has more to do with the Christmas story. The birth of Jesus was the fulfillment of a promise made hundreds of years before... maybe it is the idea of fulfilled promises that renews our hope. But hope is hard, oh so hard. It's dangerous. It leaves us vulnerable. It opens us up to new wounds and lays bear our old scars. It is so very difficult to keep hoping year after year. In fact, we often look foolish for hoping for so long. "The thrill of hope"... ironic really. I don't think the Hebrew people would have described waiting as a "thrill". No, it wasn't until the promise was fulfilled that it became a thrill, not until "the weary world" rejoiced that this hope became something to sing about.

For those of you who have been blessed with the gift of a child, snuggle them extra close tonight. I know they're driving you bonkers with the Santa tracker and the carrots for Rudolph. I know that you'll be up at an unholy hour in the morning after putting together some crazy toy with 8,000 parts into the wee hours of the night. But these are the days that memories are made, so make them good.

And for those of you still waiting, still hurting, still praying, I am hoping for you. I am so incredibly hopeful for so many of you that your time is coming. May there be babies and bumps galore this time next year! Abiding with you, my friends!

Merry Christmas to you all!

Single Digits

We are certainly in the single digits now! In fact, we're only five days from leaving for Jacksonville and six days from "IVF Start Date"... so crazy! Last night I looked over at Sam and said, "does it feel like we start IVF a week from today?" He immediately responded "nope"... we're both kind of in shock that it is here, it's time, the meds are in route, the bags are being packed... it's almost our turn.

It feels incredibly surreal. IVF has been what other people do. I've spent the last two years reading the blogs of other women who go through IVF, but never me. For the last 14 months, it has been "the plan", but we have had no real clue when we would have enough money to pursue the treatment. It has been such an incredibly long road to get to this point, but now that it is actually here, it feels like someone else's life.

I'm guessing it will all officially sink in about the time Sam stands before me (with a slight sadistic gleam in his eye) with a syringe of Gonal-F and a needle tip glinting in the lamplight... yea, right about then, I think I'll come to terms with the fact that IVF is officially here.

In other news, The Prohibition of All Things Yummy is going as well as can be expected. Whoever these people are who eliminate sugar for a week and suddenly stop craving, I don't know who they are. I'm definitely not one of them. Actually, I'm still doing okay in terms of sugar cravings which I guess is in part because I'm still eating fruit... if I feel like I'll just die without a brownie, I eat a clementine. Poor substitution, yes, but it seems to do the trick. What I'm really, really craving is salty, crunchy, delightfully yummy carbs. A Chick-fil-A biscuit is still top of my list, but I'd also love some pita chips, pizza... you get the picture. But I've stayed strong... and I'm down almost a full six pounds (5.8 to be exact) since I started almost two weeks ago. The weight loss is not the point at all for me (though who doesn't love to lose a few), but the weight loss helps me to know that I'm doing something right. I just hope I'm doing enough right to bathe my eggs in love, light, and nutritious surroundings rather than the "high glucose environment" they once were.

Other than trying to stick to boring food groups, we're just counting down the days like every other person at this time of year... only this year it's not Christmas we're counting down for. It's kind of a bummer, but Christmas is just one more day we have to "get through" before we get to leave. But it's honestly probably a good thing we have IVF to look forward to and plan for. The holidays are always hard, but this year, it's just not on my mind. I'm not dwelling on how sad I'll be, but rather trying to remember everything I need to pack... IVF is a good distraction! We each have two days of work, Christmas day, and then the drive down to Jacksonville. That is all that stands between us and potential, between us and hope, between us and fear. But I'm as ready as I'll ever be, so let's get this show on the road!

Prayers for the Days Ahead

As I mentioned in my last post, I'm very open about infertility in my real life. I don't introduce myself as "Amanda, the infertile", but if a friend or acquaintance in real life asks about our journey, I'm happy to share. Between the blog, word of mouth, Facebook, etc. I sometimes feel as if every single person I know has heard bits and pieces of our story. With that comes a lot of caring souls... I am incredibly blessed!

Tons of real life friends have asked what they can be praying for in the days ahead. So this post is for you guys:

First of all, I feel like I should probably explain what the heck I'm doing down in Jacksonville. Essentially, we're leaving December 26th for our first appointment the morning of December 27th. From there, my doctor will do an ultrasound, draw some blood and decide on the amount of medication I should start taking. The goal is to make a bunch of good great quality eggs. They can't grow too fast or too slow... it's got to be just right! Obviously, each month a woman's body grows and releases one egg (rarely more than one). Well, our goal is to stimulate my ovaries and kind of "trick" them into creating a lot more follicles (eggs).

I'll do injections nightly for several days and the doctors will monitor me every few days to make sure that my follicles aren't growing too fast or too slow. The goal is to stimulate the ovaries with injections for 10 to 12 days. Once my follicles reach a certain point, I'll add in additional medication to prevent my body from ovulating. Ovulation is the release of the egg, which is normally good, but in IVF, it's very bad. They cannot harvest an egg once it has been released.

Once the follicles get to a certain size, I'll take one last injection to prepare my body for ovulation. Why would we do this if we don't want to ovulate? It seems counter intuitive but the surge of LH hormone is what prepares the eggs, and helps them mature. At that point, I'll await my egg retrieval.

The egg retrieval is done under sedation, so I won't know how many eggs they gather until I wake up. The retrieval is done by withdrawing the fluid contents of each follicle (with the egg inside) into a needle. Once the eggs are retrieved, they are inspected by the embryologist and fertilized in the lab. We will find out our fertilization report (how many eggs fertilized) the following day.

At this point, it is all 100% out of our hands. The embryos will hopefully continue to grow (multiplication of cells) and we will decide in the next day or so on a day three or day five transfer. We will also hear the grade of our embryos and make the final decision on how many to transfer back. As I've stated before, the max is two for us, but we still haven't officially decided.

And that's it! Seems simple enough, right? I will return home after the transfer in a state we infertiles lovingly refer to as PUPO... Pregnant Until Proven Otherwise. I'll simply have to wait patiently (hahaha) for the first blood draw to see if an embryo attached and continued to grow!

Okay, so what can you pray for?

1. Wisdom for the doctors. IVF is pretty "standard" in that everyone goes through the basic steps above, but every woman is different, every woman responds differently to the medications, and no one really knows how a woman will respond until they start. So prayers that the doctors make wise decisions on protocols, medication levels, and the big things like when to trigger ovulation are all crucial! 
2. Courage for me. I've stated before that I am terrified of needles. I passed out over a finger prick in my teenage years! Things are better (a million blood draws will do that for you) but for some reason the injections don't seem the same as the blood draws in my mind. I'm lucky that I'm on a pretty low dose protocol when it comes to meds... I'll only need two injections a day. Regardless, I'm scared. And it looks like I'll have to inject myself for 2-3 doses. So yea, lots of courage for that.
3. Patience for Sam and my mom. When I'm not injecting myself, Sam and my mom will have this lovely task. And I'm a baby... I cry, I complain, I yell that he's not doing it right. Lots of patience needed by all.
4. Our babies. I've mentioned before, but as we can't say with 100% certainty when life begins or a soul takes root, we've decided to back the moment up as far as possible... we're considering the embryos our children the moment the sperm and egg meet. So lots of prayers for health for our babies would be amazing!
5. The Lord's will. We are obviously desperate for this to work. We're paying a lot of money, sure, but even more important is that we feel ready. We want a baby. And IVF is it... there are no bigger, better treatments to move on to after this. The only thing to do is to try IVF again. So we really, really, really want this to work... however, we want the Lord's will more. At least, we're trying really hard to want the Lord's will more. Which leads to:
6. Our hearts. IVF will either bring us to our highest high, or our lowest low to date. So prayers for acceptance for Sam and I are extremely important. I'll admit that I sometimes (often) want my way more than God's way, so prayers for my heart to align with the Lord are coveted. We fully accept and know that everything can go perfectly in terms of egg, sperm, uterine lining, etc, but if the Lord doesn't breathe life, we will not succeed. We also fully believe that everything can go terribly wrong, but that our God redeems. Prayers for our hearts to remember both of these things are crucial.

As I mentioned in the last post, the blog will be up and public throughout, so feel free to check in and read the updates. Our prayer requests will probably change as we move throughout the process.And that is it for now! Thank you all so much for agreeing to partner with us in prayer! There is truly no greater gift you can offer us in the days ahead!

Going Dark

I've been debating for days now what to do about the blog and the possibility of a BFP after our upcoming IVF. Many of my blog friends may not know this, but I often post my blog directly to my Facebook page, not a blog Facebook page, my actual, personal Facebook page. Which means that my blog friends read this, people I see at work read this, friends from my church read this, my extended family read this, and people I haven't seen since high school or college read this blog. That's a lot of people to find out about a positive pregnancy test on day one!

There are obviously a couple of options: I could blog about IVF up to and through the transfer but then mysteriously disappear for 10 weeks. The obvious problem there is if it's negative, I'll want/need to keep blogging, so I'd be back immediately. Which would lead to one conclusion: she disappeared therefore she's pregnant… no big secret there.

I could also attempt to make the blog private which would only allow certain people to view posts after IVF. But again, I don't actually want to make the blog private, so I would leave it public if the test was negative, and if someone showed up to see the blog had gone private… hmmmm, question answered.

The other option is of course to simply not post links to the blog on Facebook, but I feel like there are enough inquiring minds out there… they could easily track down an old link to check in if they wanted to. Heck, it's amazing to me that people can spell my name, but the most common search in google that links to the blog is Genuine Greavu… people who want the news will be able to find it.

Lastly, there is of course the option to simply embrace the situation. Anybody and everybody who cares can know the outcome as soon as I post it. This option kind of gives me the willies though.

Even if infertility had never reared its ugly head in my life, I would have been a cautious announcer. I would obviously have told Sam everything, but past that, the plan was always a slow process of telling people. I would have told my mom in some cute way... wrap up a HPT or something. In fact when I got the first digital pregnancy test, I saved it to send to her in the mail (is that gross? oh well, it never happened). After that, I'd have let Sam tell his mom and dad and stepparents when and how he wanted. And after super close family, the plan in my mind had always been 12 weeks... and that was before infertility.

But the truth is, I'll never survive 12 weeks. Too many people know what's going on. There will be too many questions... and why would I not answer if it's negative? It's a secret that IVF failed for 12 weeks?!?!?! Good grief, if IVF fails, I'm hopeful that we will be back for a FET before 12 weeks! I just can't see a way around it... everyone is going to know.

Everyone will know if a home pregnancy test is positive. Everyone will know if our first beta comes out super high. Everyone will know if our second beta doesn't double and I'm crippled with fear. Everyone will know if we miscarry. Everyone will know no matter what the next weeks or months may bring. And that is kind of scary.

However, I went public for a reason with my blog and my story beyond the blog community. I wanted to raise awareness about infertility, I wanted other women who may feel incredibly alone to know that they are absolutely not alone, and I wanted to put a face on infertility. I had incredibly misconceived ideas about infertility before it walked into my life, so I can only assume most people share those same misconceptions. I wanted a place where I could be open and honest about my faith and how infertility has and is affecting it. And ultimately, I wanted to give the Lord a platform... whether He decides to heal us, work through modern medicine, or never bless us with a child of my own, I wanted to offer up our story. Our story is all for His glory!

So for now, we're staying open... the blog will be up and running and you can expect updates like normal. I think of the woman who went through an IVF retrieval on the TODAY show. She said she did it to encourage other women in similar situations to overcome their fears. Well for me, I hope the friends and family who don't battle infertility can catch a tiny glimpse into what this is like. The odds are that they know other friends who are or will go through treatment, so maybe reading and hearing about the nerves associated with the first beta, or fear that comes from injecting yourself... well, maybe that will help when they interact with their other friends. No matter what happens going forward I hope that this space can stay true to itself... honest, open, raw... genuine.

In other news, today is what I imagine Katniss meant when she described "hollow days" in The Hunger Games. Absolutely nothing I eat satisfies my hunger. I'm assuming this is because I'm not hungry for yogurt or apples or lettuce. I'm currently craving a Chick-fil-A chicken biscuit (pardon me while I drool on my desk) on a nice big bowl of jasmine rice. Heaven help me, it's going to be a long day!

A Few Steps Closer

Believe it or not, I start IVF in TEN DAYS! It's absolutely mind-boggling to me! People have been constantly asking me how I feel... I think my reaction is kind of glazed-eyes, confused sort of stare, before I realize "Oh, you're supposed to be EXCITED or SCARED or something". I don't know if I'm repressing it, avoiding it, or if it just hasn't sunk in yet, but I'm not really anything right now. I'm sure things will change when I'm faced with day one of the injections.

Speaking of injections, I finally got my list of medications. I don't actually know how much I'm taking, but I know what they are. I haven't mentioned this on the blog yet, but my clinic recommended that I apply for the EMD Serreno Compassionate Care Program. We had never heard anything about it before, but I thought, "why the heck not?". The application process was fairly simple and within about six hours we had been granted 75% off of the medications produced by EMD Serreno which include Gonal-F, Cetrotide, and Ovidrel. Yeah, I know! It was pretty much the most exciting news of the year. We have zero insurance coverage for infertility treatments or medications, so despite the fact that we are going to a lower cost clinic, this is a big help!

I think we're going to order with Freedom Fertility Pharmacy. I priced my medications there yesterday and these were my costs:

Cetrotide (6 syringes): $141.75
Menopur (10 vials): $719.90
Gonal-F (3 vials of 450iu): $333
hCG (1 vial): $89.50

Grand Total: $1280.55

I almost cried! It's kind of ridiculous, to be so excited about spending $1000+ on medication, but I know how bad it could have been: A LOT WORSE!

The appointment on Friday in Jacksonville was fine. It was kind of hectic as it was their office Christmas party that afternoon and I was the last patient, but we got all of the major things accomplished. I also went to an acupuncture consultation. I like the acupuncturist, but unfortunately, she is closed for two weeks at Christmas and won't reopen until January 6th. She recommended that I look for another clinic as she felt it was important to get started earlier. I really respected that, and she didn't charge me for the consult, so all around it was a successful visit. I have a call into one of her recommendations (which ironically was the other acupuncturist I had been considering), so I'm just waiting to hear back.

All that's left is to order medications, book the hotel room, get tires changed on the 4Runner, and pack! Oh and go to work, eat food, remember to take my birth control pill... Speaking of eating food, The Prohibition of All Things Yummy, is still going strong. I'm not sure if I mentioned this, but I'm still eating fruit, so I guess there are still some carbs and some yummy things in my life. Essentially fruit helps me to eat not so yummy things like lettuce, so it's kind of necessary. But for the most part, I'm doing well(ish). I will admit to a few cheats such as a Chick-fil-A Asian Salad (without wontons, but WITH fried chicken) and a sip of a Starbucks Peppermint Hot Chocolate. In both situations I thought I had died and gone to heaven, so as far as the "changing taste buds" or "switching to a less sweet state of mind" I'd say I'm failing. If you placed an entire pan of brownies in front of me and guaranteed me it would not affect any future babies, I'd eat the whole pan and then wash it down with a massive Diet Coke. But as I haven't actually done either of those things, we will call this adventure successful thus far! I am confident that I'm not failing too terribly because I weighed this morning and I've lost four pounds since last Sunday! Winning!!! We won't mention that Sam has already lost six pounds and he's been CHEATING at work... men! What can you do?

That's about it though! I'll be back soon I'm sure! The impending IVF lends itself to lots of blogging, I'm sure. Almost in the single digits!

Survivor's Guilt

First of all, a brief update: the Prohibition of All Things Yummy is off to a terrible wonderful start. I pretty much want to tackle people eating chocolate, I've questioned the sanity of locking lips with any individual drinking a diet coke (you know, just to taste it), and I'm having dreams about nice salty pita chips. I'd heard it was no fun to cut all the yumminess from your life, and I'll agree with that: ZERO FUN. However, I've also heard that things get easier, so I'm looking forward to that. We tried spaghetti squash on Sunday night, and while it wasn't disgusting, let's just say that my portion was much smaller than it would have been with real pasta. No yumminess = Automatic portion control. And I was dreaming of a delicious slice of garlic bread throughout dinner!

I thought the sweets would be the worst part because I have a major sweet tooth, but honestly, it's been the salty carbs... things that I don't actually eat all that often. I mentioned dreams of pita chips, but tortilla chips also sound AMAZING. And obviously the loss of Diet Coke is extreme and terrifying. One thing I've definitely discovered is that if I can't eat or drink things I enjoy, I tend to just not eat or drink. Monday night I felt terrible, and it occurred to me that I might be dehydrated. When I thought back through the day, I realized that I had had a smoothie for breakfast and then about 3 ounces of orange juice later in the day... those were the only liquids I consumed that day. I've been making a more dedicated effort to drink water throughout the day, but blegh, no thank you. I've decided I'm never going to sip water, I've just got to chug it.

I'm headed to Jacksonville tomorrow evening for an appointment at 9:30 on Friday morning. I'll get to briefly meet with Dr. Duffy while he's performing the saline sonohysterogram. I'll also meet with an IVF nurse to discuss our schedule, medications, and learn how to give injections. Sam's not coming, but my mom is, so at least two people will learn how to do injections. Afterwards I have a consult with an Acupuncturist. Hopefully I'll get a good feeling from her because I don't have a lot of time to meet with different people. Okay, further update coming after Friday's appointments.

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The title of this post seems strange even to me right now. How can I be experiencing survivor's guilt? I'm not a survivor yet. I'm no where near done with this journey. There is no guarantee that IVF in January will work. Heck, there is no guarantee that IVF at any time will work. And yet, I'm already feeling guilty. The doctors have all given me higher chances than what their clinic average is... Dr. Slayden at RBA gave us as high as 65-70% chance of success with one IVF. I don't think about those numbers often. It seems safer in my head to focus on the national average. I tell myself we have about a 40-45% chance of success. And yet, I'm still feeling cautiously optimistic.

The more I think about it, the more I realize that I don't actually feel guilty about getting pregnant from of IVF as much as I feel guilty about even doing IVF. I think about all the women I know, all the stories I've heard, and it just seems strange that I'm moving ahead and they are not. It was about three months ago that I voiced something for the first time, but after speaking it out loud, I realized just how true it is. There are women whom I've formed friendships with, whom I love dearly, that I want to succeed more than I want myself to succeed. As the words came out of my mouth, I thought "that can't be true", but it is.

Aubrey was one of those women I was thinking of that night. Whether my husband likes it or not, he hears all about the women I've been blogging with the longest. He knows them by first name. I reminded him of everything Aubrey had been through, of what she was preparing to go through. I told him I didn't know how much more she and her husband could take. And then I told him that I wanted them to succeed with their first transfer at CCRM more than I wanted us to succeed. I'm over the moon for Aubrey and Nick... TWINS! I can't think of anyone who deserves the blessing of twins more than Aubrey! I'm so incredibly thankful she's made it this far, and I'm praying everything turns out perfectly for them!

Suzanne is the other woman I brought up that night. Suzanne had just texted me to let me know that the doctors were not cancelling her donor egg cycle despite a slow start. She relayed that the doctor had high hopes of retrieving 15-16 eggs. After the scare of a cancelled cycle, this was amazing news! It seemed like everything was finally going to come together for my sweet friend. I told Sam that I wanted a successful retrieval, fertilization, and embryo freeze for her so badly my stomach hurt. Suzanne had already been through to much; I told him it just wasn't fair that she would have to go through one more thing. And yet, Suzanne has had to go through several more things. The current bump in the road for them on this long, long journey is scar tissue, most likely from a D&C. I am brokenhearted for Suzanne and I feel terrible that she has another hurdle in this journey. It seems so incredibly unfair that I have the potential to be pregnant before her.

I know that pregnancy for a lot of infertile women comes with a lot of guilt. I've never wanted them to feel guilty. We're all trying to get pregnant; success should be celebrated! But I think I understand a little bit better why the pregnant women and new moms stop commenting and disappear from the blogs. Balancing the seesaw when you've got great news and your dear friend just received terrible news is hard. So, so, so hard. I honestly felt guilty that I even got my period on Saturday. Why should I get to move forward with IVF when Suzanne and so may other wonderful ladies are stuck?

I don't have an answer or a solution as to how to remove or alleviate the guilt for any of us. But I would encourage all of us to stick around, and to fight for the friendships we've created. The relationships formed through these awful journeys are worth the tough conversations and battling the seesaw of highs and lows!

I continue to be so incredibly thankful for this community! The fact that women who are just starting out on clomid or who are seeking adoption can come together with veterans of IVF to form this beautiful place is truly amazing! Thank you all for wishing me well as we finally start out on our very own IVF trail. It's been a very long time coming, and I have no idea where the path may lead, but I'm eternally thankful to have each of you along the journey with me!

My Last Supper

First of all, lets get a little housekeeping out of the way: I'm not pregnant. I know; I'm shocked as well. What this really means is this: I finally started a new cycle. Hallelujah! Sam said he's never seen me so excited to start my period! Haha! I really was so relieved! The good news is that I needed to start birth control pills by this Tuesday, and well, tonight with be pill number one... we made it! I'm still on track to start IVF THIS MONTH! It's kind of unbelievable and overwhelming! The closest thing I can associate it with was getting married. For us, IVF has been this long, long, crazy long journey of planning, saving, researching, and now that it's here... I can't really wrap my head around it yet.

The sad news about today, cycle day two, is this: I've had my last supper. Not literally, obviously. I do intend to eat dinner tonight, but for all intents and purposes, it feels like I've had my last supper. I'm not sure if I've ever even mentioned this on the blog before, but after doing a lot of research over the last few months, I've decided to cut carbs, sugar (I know sugar is a carb, but they are separate in my head), and caffeine as I prepare for and complete IVF. There is a lot of research out there that suggests that a low-carb diet can increase your chances of success... particularly if you have PCOS. Well, the verdict is still out on the PCOS debate, but I'm at least borderline PCOS, so I figure it can't hurt. Essentially, a low-carb diet helps to lower the presence of the male androgens in the body (like testosterone). Women who were able to lower their testosterone levels seem to have noticeably higher success rates... it seems to be an egg quality thing.

I admittedly have the taste buds of a twelve year old. You will never see me snacking on carrots, nope, just not happening. I actually only learned to eat salads within the last three years or so... yeah, I was serious when I said the taste buds never matured. As I've planned to cut the carbs from my life, I've noticed that I eat A LOT of carbohydrates. I mean I knew I was a big fan of pasta and rice and that I have a love affair with bread, but man oh man, there are a lot more carbs out there. So sad. No more pizza. No pasta. No chinese food because it's all rice and noodles. No mexican food because it's all tortillas. No cereal. No chips... and that's just the carbs.

I'm also cutting out all sweets. Lord, help me! My mom LOVES to bake, so I've grown up in a house where we constantly had yummy treats for absolutely no reason at all. She'll whip up a chocolate cake "just because" and never think twice about it. Now I don't like to bake, but I've definitely brought the dessert before after dinner mentality with me into adulthood. I'm not even sure I was really aware of the MASSIVE amounts of sweets I consumed until I started preparing to eliminate them... suddenly it seems like everything I eat is sweet. Ughhh!

The caffeine thing has more to do with Sam than me... meaning I don't really think cutting caffeine this early has any affect on IVF or pregnancy. Obviously I'd quit once we started IVF, but I'm cutting it out this early for two reasons. First, I don't drink black coffee, or coffee with cream for that matter. If I drink coffee, it's going to be delicious. (Thanks so much, Starbucks!) I have no desire to drink coffee that doesn't taste like dessert, so it's kind of pointless. My other caffeine friend is Diet Coke, and that relationship just ended (cue sad trombones) because of the artificial sweeteners. I'm also cutting caffeine now because I've asked Sam to do it. FIRM hasn't mentioned anything about eliminating caffeine, but I know CCRM occasionally requires it, so we're going with that in hopes that he'll have the best swimmers available in January (even if they don't have to swim).

In preparation for Prohibition of Yumminess, I've been consuming everything I love like a ravenous beast. I've drawn comparisons to hibernation... need to build up my stores of goodness before all the good stuff is gone. But like a bear, I'm pretty sure I've packed on a few pounds for the upcoming shortage. Let's agree to label this "IVF weight", okay? Seems fair to me.

So yesterday when I woke up to see that I had indeed started, I clued Sam into the end of all goodness. We had already planned to go out with a bang... I'm fairly sure we accomplished this. I went to a local Athens favorite with my small group of college girls that I lead. Mama's Boy did not disappoint my need for carbs and sugar.

Georgia Peach French Toast- yum!

I stopped after breakfast to get my prescription for birth control filled (free!) and decided that I needed just a little more Diet Coke before it was over... Sam and I have officially finished the two liter. Most delicious drink ever created! And for dinner, my request was pizza. I had originally intended to go somewhere downtown for some yummy pizza, but that was before I remembered why I hate my period. Blah... I spent the day in PJs, so we ordered pizza from Papa John's.

Papa John's Pizza- good bye carb heaven

And now the day of stuffing my face is over... the last supper has been eaten. If you can tell, I'm already lamenting the loss of every food and beverage I actually like. But if it helps in any way to improve my egg quality or raise our chances for IVF it will be SO worth it. At the very least, it can't hurt, and I want to leave Florida saying that I have no regrets and that I did everything I could!

Tomorrow morning I'll call FIRM to schedule my appointment and let them know that we are ready to move forward... it's getting real!

More Waiting

You'll have to forgive me for the extremely poor blogging around here lately. I wish I could blame it on something awesome like a secret pregnancy or vacation, but it actually has to do with this: I have nothing to say. Womp womp. There is a constant internal dialogue going on in my head, but I can't really explain all my thoughts, feelings, emotions. I think November (and part of October) just got to me... way too much awfulness going on. I'm pretty sure there were a lot of "Hallelujahs" being said as people flipped the calendar to December! The good news is that December is off to a great start. Within just a few days I've heard AMAZING news from some of my favorite ladies... I mean "get out of town," "be still my heart," "thank you, Jesus" kind of news. If you haven't heard, Aubrey, Hopeful and Hungry, and Mrs. Lost all received their first BFPs ever... head on over and wish these girls luck and give them lots of love.

As for me, just imagine the Jeopardy theme song playing on repeat... dum, da dum, da dum, da dumm... we're just hanging out waiting on my cycle to start. You may remember that we're traveling for IVF. As you can imagine this requires a LOT of time off work. My clinic doesn't allow outside monitoring for the initial appointment so I will be there from the first day of stims until the transfer and unfortunately I haven't accumulated enough leave time yet. The only reason we are able to move ahead with IVF is by linking my leave with my employer's holiday schedule. We are off from Christmas through New Years... by starting IVF on the first possible day the clinic opens after Christmas, I have just enough time for 12 days of stims and a five day transfer. In order to start IVF on December 27th (the first day the clinic reopens) I have to start my cycle by this coming Monday because they require a minimum of fourteen days on birth control pills. I'm on CD33 today and by BBT was 98.1 today... lovely.

November 2013 BBT- last one before BCPs

To say I'm slightly anxious would be an understatement. If I haven't started a new cycle by Tuesday of next week, I'm pretty sure we'll have to cancel IVF and wait until I can accrue more leave... placing IVF in March at the earliest. Two months is not a big deal in the big scheme of things, but I've waited sooooo long for IVF. It's been thirteen months already since we were told to move on to IVF. And the CRAZY thing is we actually have the money now, yep, you heard me: we have reached our goal of $12,000 in savings. There is literally nothing holding us back other than my stupid cycle.

Other than playing the waiting game, I guess I'd describe myself as pensive. IVF, the trip, the details, the meds, the needles, all of it is on my mind constantly these days. But I wouldn't say I'm excited... I'm not jumping up and down or thinking "this is it! hello 2014 baby!". I'm not particularly anxious yet either... I'm guessing that is still to come. I say pensive because there is still a lot to think about: how many should we fertilize? how many should we transfer? do we want twins? IVF still seems like a really, really big deal to me. I know a lot of veteran IVF girls probably think of IVF like I would a medicated cycle... no big deal, here we go again, let's hope this works. But for us, this will be the first time in more than a year that I have felt like there is a real, measurable chance that we could get pregnant. Sure, I'm "hopeful" every month, but I had to get off the crazy train months and months ago of thinking "this could be it"... I literally could not pull myself off the bathroom floor one more time. So I stopped hoping in every month and placed my hope in one month. And it feels like this might actually be that month. But I obviously recognize that IVF fails more often than it succeeds the first time around, so my defense mechanism is to follow any "maybe I'll be pregnant in a month" with "and maybe you won't". Anytime my mind starts to look forward to an October due date, I think back to last January and all that I thought would have come to fruition this year that hasn't... I'm not trying to be pessimistic, I'm trying to keep the hope realistic. I think any time we try a new treatment there is a renewed sense of hope... I'm just trying not to get swept away in the giddiness of IVF promises.

So that's about it. I'm just patiently not so patiently waiting for my cycle to start while thinking about what might be, could be, hopefully will be my one and only IVF.

The Weeds

I've been going through Ann Voskamp's One Thousand Gifts Devotional for the last several weeks. It's not the meatiest devotional ever, but it's a good one for me... seeing gifts, finding grace, giving thanks... these are not the things that I excel at. It is good for me to be reminded to give thanks for what I do have rather than focusing on what I don't. One entry has particularly jumped out at me; maybe it is in light of Thanksgiving tomorrow, but I keep coming back to it. Essentially, the story she tells is about her daughter who picks a bouquet of burdock simply because of the purple color, not understanding that it is a weed not a flower. Ann is the master at extrapolating deep, insightful meaning from simple, everyday moments like this. She writes:

A plant isn't a flower but a weed only by function of its place. Transplant the weed to the heart and it blooms a flower...

Pretty interesting, right? Weeds and flowers... not that much difference between them, it is simply how I view them that makes me love one and disdain the other. Ann's prayer for the day was this:

Lord, all that I've deemed weeds in my life are only weeds by function of whether I want them in this place or not. Cause me today, to transplant all my weeds into wild wonder simply by thanking You for the grace of them in this place. 

This entry has left me thinking for several days now about giving thanks, particularly for the "weeds" in my life. There are lots of things that I am less than satisfied with in my life. For example: I don't love our home... it's small, dark, ugly, and in a less than desirable neighborhood. I could focus on that, or I could give thanks for the roof over my head to keep us dry in this miserable, icy drizzle. I could give thanks for the ridiculously low rent that has allowed us to get our finances in order. The house is a weed or a flower simply based on the way I choose to view it.

Obviously for me, the ultimate weed that comes to mind is infertility. I've said it before, but I have really struggled with seeing good, with finding value, with thinking there is a reason to give thanks for infertility. And I still feel that way to a certain extent. If given the choice between the way life has gone and the way I thought life would go, I'm pretty sure I'd go back and have that baby that slipped through my fingers at 25 years old. What could have been still seems better than what is. However, I've spent the last few days trying to view infertility in the same way I view our home. Yes, there are definitely things I'd change. Yes, there are definitely things I'd rather not have to deal with. But there are also things that I can honestly say that I am truly thankful for.

For one, I'm thankful for the motivation to get our finances in order. There is certainly a dichotomous aspect to this thanks as part of the reason our finances were in dismal despair was due to infertility, but I can admit that the real motivation for me to live on a budget, to save, to forgo gifts is the dream of a child. So I'm thankful that despite costing us a fortune, infertility has taught us a lot of lessons about living well below our means.

Secondly, I'm thankful for the testing of our marriage. Not a lot of couples can say that they've experienced a miscarriage and a life changing diagnosis within their fist two years of marriage. Even less can say that they've spent the last year and a half fighting together to beat the diagnosis, that they've worked hard for their dreams, and that they've fought for each other. There's no doubt that some days, I'd rather our biggest fight be about dishes and dirty clothes, but I feel like we've been tested by fire pretty early in our marriage. We're still here, and for that, I'm really, really thankful. I've seen what our marriage is worth to each of us. Infertility has given me confidence and a reason to believe in us.

Another thing I hope to one day be extra thankful for is the realization that children are a mighty, mighty blessing. This of course doesn't mean that I relinquish my right to whine about morning sickness, or 3am feedings, or bratty teenagers; no, I will definitely throw my hands up like any woman and utter a long, exasperated sigh. But my hope is that infertility will allow me to see the gift of relieved nerves that a little nausea can offer, or the extra snuggles with a baby at 3am because the baby will be a toddler in the blink of an eye, or that bratty teens are often just strong-willed children stretching and growing into adults. Essentially, I hope my struggles with infertility will make me a better mom. I hope I will see the not so great moments as a gift that might not have been.

And lastly, I'm abundantly thankful for the friendships I've made both in real life and through the blog. I can't imagine who I would be if I had not opened the door and shared my story. I'm so thankful that I am not alone, that I have been embraced by women who understand me, love me, and care for me. I am so thankful for the opportunity to cheer on my fellow infertile friends as they receive good news and bring home babies. I am thankful for a community that rises to the occasion when terrible things happen. I am so thankful to know that if and when my time comes, that there will be women who care, who will cheer me on, who will celebrate the life I've fought for. It's a beautiful thing to be amongst friends.

Infertility has been the ultimate weed in my life for the last two and half years. I've tried ripping it out of the ground, spraying it with weed killer... I've tried everything I can think of, and yet it persists. So I'm thinking it might be time to admit that this plant is a part of my life, and though I would not by any means ask for a bouquet of infertility, I'm beginning to see that some weeds flower, and for that, I can give thanks. Infertility, along with many things like houses, jobs, illness, etc, may be weeds only by the function of whether we want them in our lives. Maybe it is the act of offering thanks that changes the weeds into flowers.

Courageous

I remember way back when I was just embarking on my first IUI thinking how much courage IVF must take. I was having mild panic attacks over the medications required for IUIs; I couldn't fathom doing IVF. In fact, I remember finding Amanda's blog right around the time she was embarking on IVF. I remember reading about the injections and thinking to myself that she was so incredibly brave. I also remember begging God to bring me a child before that point... my rationale was that He should know and understand that I am certainly not courageous, more like scared of my own shadow.

I've lived a bit since then though, and I have come to see things a little differently. I thought IVF was the most courageous decision because of the pain from the needles and medication, because of the risks for OHSS, etc. There's no doubt about it... that takes courage. I know because I'm staring down the barrel looking at IVF with big, wide eyes, so to speak. But the ultimate courage, the real bravery, I've come to believe is doing anything about my circumstance.

You see, it would be easiest to do nothing, to continue this life that we've been living for the last year, and simply let it be, to say this is the life we have and agree to be content. Sure, there's a very high chance I'd regret it later, but I still believe doing nothing is the easiest choice. We have a good life. It is by no means perfect, and I'm not fully satisfied, but most days I would score a good, solid 6-7. Some days totally blow, but even then I recognize that my "lowest" is really like a 4-5... there is a whole lot lower to go. And it is so scary to recognize that I could be signing myself up for my absolute darkest day. It would be easiest to avoid that kind of pain.

I once thought IVF, the procedure, the needles, the actual process was the bravest choice an infertile woman could make. Now I'm not so sure. IVF is certainly scary, but what's absolutely terrifying is the risk of pain, of heart wrenching, soul shredding, life changing pain. And that doesn't necessarily come from IVF, it comes from reaching, from stretching, from hoping for more.

When I think about the bravest women I know, I think of Aubrey. I can go ahead and admit without a shred of doubt that I would have given up on IVF long ago if my story looked like Aubrey's. She can correct me if I'm wrong, but I believe she just completed her sixth embryo transfer out in Colorado. Aubrey is the first one to tell you that the pain from a failed transfer is debilitating, and yet, she has  recognized the potential for pain, faced her fears, and chosen to move forward again, and again, and again. Crazy, crazy brave.

And like I said, it's not always IVF that requires bravery; adoption is incredibly daunting and the potential for heartache is huge! Every time I talked to Erika after she and Matt were chosen, I thought to myself, "she is so brave". There were no needles involved, no medications, but the risk for pain, for heartache, for absolute despair was definitely there. It took incredible amounts of courage to pursue adoption.

When I think about Holly and the depths of her sorrow after losing her perfectly healthy son, Jude, due to an infection that she could do nothing to prevent, I think I know what the absolute darkest days must look like. Holly is there; she is deep in the valley of the shadow of death. My lowest days don't seem so low right now. Another failed cycle doesn't seem that bad. It is definitely easiest to avoid that type of pain at all costs.

IVF looms in front of me like Mount Everest. It is both growing closer and more insurmountable at the same time. It is almost my turn. My turn to be courageous, to take a mighty risk, to see the chance for incredible, life altering pain, and choose to push through anyway. I could stay here, right where I am, recognizing that doing nothing has the greatest potential for long term regret, but the least potential for immediate pain, OR I can move forward. I can risk the pain of a botched IVF, of a failed transfer, of a (God, please no) miscarriage or failed pregnancy. The needles are definitely scary, but the real fear I still have to overcome is the potential for pain, the kind of pain that changes you, that etches your heart, and scars your mind. I am not courageous, but I'll get there.
 

My Anchor Holds

I am pretty much over the sadness, guys. I am OVER broken hearts and crushed dreams. I am over death, decay, destruction...

I know most of you heard the news about Erika, Matt, and Ellison. I don't have a lot of news for you guys other than Erika is obviously devastated. I'm sure Erika will update soon, but for now, please join me in praying for her and Matt. Erika has waited a very long time to be a mom. She tried incredibly hard to stay realistic about the adoption, but to get to the hospital, to have the lawyers come, for the papers to be signed, to be a few hours away from discharge... and then to have it all ripped out from under her so unexpectedly. My heart is broken; I can't imagine how Erika and Matt feel.

That seems to be the general theme lately: my heart is broken. I know that it's not really true... a few of us are getting good news... maybe I'm just bad at focusing on the good, but wow, the terrible news seems to be overwhelming these days. Sometimes it seems like this little corner of the world receives well more than its fair share of sadness... loss on the heels of infertility is just too much some days.

Holly shared a beautiful post on prayer and how she's struggling, learning, trusting, trying something new. I obviously haven't experienced what Holly has been through, but I felt myself nodding along as I read it. "Yes, exactly," I thought multiple times. The analogy she uses is a fish on land, gasping for breath, waiting for the Lord to throw her back in the water, waiting for Him to save her. I can't tell you how many times I've felt like that in the last two and a half years. My prayers have been bold, they've been meek, they've been pathetic, they've been angry, they've been urgent... I feel like lately there are no words to fully express what I need, what I desire, what I'm asking for. It just comes out in a strangled "DO SOMETHING!" as I recognize my helplessness to do anything for my friends.

I know many of you would agree that infertility, at one time or another, has tested your faith with fire. My ongoing prayer throughout all of this has been that my faith would withstand. I can fully understand how infertility could destroy someone's faith. There are so many urgent prayers that get lifted up: "let it be positive," "let it double,", "save my baby"... and yet, time and time again, we see only one pink line, our betas drop, and our babies die. It's easy to wonder, "Where is God in all of that?"

I'm reminded of the post Erika wrote several months ago... I think it's one of my favorites. She discusses an Old Testament story from the book of Joel in which swarms of locusts destroy all of the crops. Why does the Lord even allow the locusts? I have no clue. They seem to be a purposeless waste. An unredeemable pest. Sure, I guess birds enjoy a feast, but is that worth it? Doesn't seem like it. In the midst of the swarm, I am fully sure that I would not be thinking of the amazing, beautiful, life-changing ways that the Lord would use the locusts for good. But Erika writes this:

But what I do feel confident in is this: the character of God. That His character and his heart and his intentions never change. That since the beginning of the world, He has been a God passionately in love with his people, a Creator that is for us. And while we live in the world that He created, we live in a world that is fallen and full of our own free will that doesn't always make the best choices, and it's definitely not always a pretty place. And terrible things happen-- illness, hurts, broken dreams, abandonment, infertility, betrayal. And we wander through years of wondering what happened, why our perfectly-laid plans have been eaten by the swarms of locusts, and we're scared to plant new hopes lest they fall victim to the locusts again.

But I will restore to you the years the locust has eaten.

It's a really beautiful promise. The idea that these years spent wanting are not a waste. The idea that the heartache upon heartache is for a purpose. The idea that the Lord is at work in redeeming what has been stolen. It's beautiful, but it's really hard to cling to promises in the midst of the swarm, in the midst of the heartache, in the midst of the death. How can my faith remain steadfast in the trials and pain?

I'm reminded of a new song, actually a remake of an old hymn. Hillsong's Cornerstone is hauntingly beautiful and the words are filled with meaning. Take these lines for example:

When Darkness seems to hide His face
I rest on His unchanging grace
In every high and stormy gale
My anchor holds within the veil

There have been an abundance of high and stormy gales lately. The waves have been crashing, the boats are sinking, the winds are ripping, and night is falling... but check out that last line: My anchor holds within the veil. The veil once hid the presence of God within the Tabernacle. It was the way God chose to dwell among His people... "within the veil" is another way of saying within God's presence. My faith is anchored within the very presence of God, and He is strong enough to make sure that my anchor will always hold.

Faith doesn't give me any additional answers. I have no idea why Holly's baby girl, Brinly, died. Why He didn't heal Caroline's precious son, Jackson Dean. I have no answers as to why Erika was given the opportunity to adopt Ellison if it was going to fall through. The lack of answers is frustrating, but I'm trusting that the Lord is at work. I may not know exactly what to pray for, but I'm just lifting up my friends asking for the Lord to protect their hearts, to bless their families, and to anchor their faith within the veil.

Blogger Love

Lest you think the title refers to google "Blogger", let me put your fears at ease... I mean you guys! I am so thankful this blogging community each and every day. There are SO many awesome things about being a part of this community! For quite a while now there have been several "awards" floating around, and I'm embarrassed to say that I've done nothing about it for months. Sad trombones.

Erika brought up a pretty spectacular analogy a week or so ago when she compared these to the phenomenon that was the survey in the 90's... kind of takes me back to the good ol' chain letter. You know: do these five things, send it to these ten friends, or your luck will be ruined for a whole year. Ha. Good times. I wasn't very good at the survey of chain letter back then, and I'm apparently still not. BUT, this blog has been a little down in the dumps lately, so it's high time for some love and cheer. And who doesn't want to know a whole heck of a lot more about me? I know, calm yourselves.

The number of nominations times the number of questions was simply too much to tackle, so I've answered a few of my favorites from each nominator. Hopefully, I got everybody. Without further ado:

 

Annie- Sweetest in the Gale:

What is your favorite thing to cook? Or, for non-cooks, to order in?
Haha. I don’t cook. Like at all. Crazy lucky that my husband enjoys it. But if I had to cook, I’m pretty good at grilled cheese! But if I'm ordering in, it'll be pizza.

It's your day off. No commitments yet. Shockingly, ALL your laundry is clean. What do you wear?

Hmm… Am I staying in? If so, I’ll be in my husband’s sweats. If I have to venture out, I love leggings and boots… essentially dressy sweats.

 

You can have one word or phrase stricken from the minds of humanity--they just forget it existed and you NEVER have to hear it again. What is it?

LOL. BRB. LMAO. Essentially all text type… Despise. It. All.

 

I've got a gift card for you! You can't spend it on bills. Only frivolous things. Where do you go?

How much is on this gift card? Does Tiffany’s do gift cards? Haha. Umm, probably Pottery Barn.

Aubrey- Two Hearts and One Dream:

Why do you blog, and will you continue to blog when you get pregnant/have a baby(ies)?
I initially started blogging because I was newly married, in a new city where I didn’t know anyone, and unemployed. It also had suddenly become trendy among my friends, so I thought “why not?”. Genuine Greavu was around before infertility, I hope it will be after too!

What would you say is the best piece of advice for someone who is not going through infertility, but who doesn't know what to say to someone who is?
It’s as easy as, “I’m sorry you’re going through that. It sounds awful. I’m happy to listen if you’d ever like to share.”

If you won the lottery, what would be the FIRST thing you'd do?
Are we pregnant? Ha. It all comes back to that. I guess the FIRST thing would be to tithe 10%. Sam and I plan our finances from a simple plan: give 10%, save 10%, live off the rest. So I guess we’d give 10%, save 10%, and then pay off student loans! After that... whoa, never thought that far.

What is your middle name?
Marguerite- It’s my grandmother’s name. I used to HATE it… ugh! It was so old fashioned. But now I love it. She was an incredibly special lady whom I loved to pieces; I feel very blessed to carry her name.

Where would you live if you could move to anywhere you wanted in the whole wide world?
The whole world??? Gee, I don’t know, the whole world is kind of big. I haven’t seen much of it, so I think I’d stick close to home and move to Colorado… probably Fort Collins or Loveland.


Teresa- Where the *Bleep* is Our Stork?:

Shaken or stirred?
Hmm, can I go with brewed? Alcoholic beverages aren’t really my thing, but if I wasn’t ALWAYS trying to conceive, I wouldn’t pass up a blended beverage either… sweet and girly!

Would you ever consider writing your own book?
Ha. My mom constantly tells me I should do this. I think I’ll wait until someone other than my mom says that they would read it.

 
Amie- Is It Time Yet?:

Do you watch sports on TV? Favorite Team?
We never miss the Dawgs. We watch most big Division 1 football and basketball games but I can’t stand pro-sports. No thank you!

How many kids do you wish you had?
The plan was 5-6. Hoping for at least 1 still.

Which candy is your most favorite?
Snickers. Looovvveeee. I’m also a huge fan of Milk Duds.


Rainbow for Rainbow:

If you had to choose one person, other than your significant other, to live with for the rest of your life, who would you choose?
My mom… I think she’s probably the only person other than Sam that I could tolerate in huge doses without going crazy!

What is one skill/talent you’ve always wished you had?
Hmm. I wish I could sing really well. I have no desire to do it professionally or anything, but I’ve always wished I was more musically talented.

What was your best subject in high school?
Writing isn’t a subject, or it would be writing…. I was good at English but hate being told what to read, so I didn't love English. I guess, overall, I was best at math.

What movie makes you cry?
Is it weird that I cried the first time I saw What to Expect When You’re Expecting?


Erika- Something Beautiful:

If you could have a top-of-the-line, totally tricked out household appliance (just ONE!) for free, what appliance would you choose?
I need a new vacuum cleaner… a really good one to get through the massive amounts of hair our animals shed, but what I want is a Vitamix.

What company could you be the spokesperson for?
Hmm, not really a company, but I could be the spokesperson for dry shampoo… revolutionary. It will change your life.

Would you rather have 10 cats living inside your house or 10 dogs (mixed breeds/sizes)?
Cats. No question. Cats are so easy, require so little work and offer so much love. Although, I’ve never had more than one cat at a time; I’m not sure if that many cats could all get along.

Which Disney princess do you most identify with? Or prince. Or villain. Or goofy side-kick.
I’m taking Amanda’s hint and using the quiz… I also got Belle!

What is your most hated food item?
Mashed potatoes. No, pickles. No, mashed potatoes….


Hidden Infertility:

What celebrity do you look like?
When I had long hair, someone would tell me (often multiple times a week) that I look like Sandra Bullock. I also get, “you look like that girl from that movie with orange hair”. They are always referring to The Fifth Element’s Milla Jovovich.

Yea, I'm not sure it's a huge compliment

What story does your family always tell about you?
My mom loves to tell stories about how dramatic I was as a child… I think her favorite is the time I (supposedly) told her I was almost eaten by an alligator at preschool. She assumes that I saw a lizard on the playground.

What chore do you absolutely HATE doing?
Dishes…. Ugghhh. Hate them. I’ll wash ten loads of laundry before I’ll wash dishes.


Suzanne- Our Journey to a Baby Bump

Was there a particular moment in your infertility journey that made you realize that you wanted/needed to start blogging?
Initially, my motivation was totally selfish. I opened up about infertility because I just needed to find someone who understood. I had miscarried and was about to start taking Clomid which seemed like such a big deal… I needed someone to listen.

What was your favorite vacation spot ever?
Vail, Colorado. Skiing, hot tubs in the snow… it’s my heaven on earth.

What food could you never live without?
Pizza… I’m not a foodie, by any means. I still essentially have the taste buds of a twelve year old.

We have so many tears through IF...do you have a REALLY funny moment that you've shared with your husband through all of this?
Haha! Makes me laugh just to think about it: During our last IUI, we had quite the humorous moment with the ultrasound technician. At every other appointment, they always said “waist down for me” meaning take off your clothes from your waist down, hop in the table and cover up with this snazzy paper sheet. They step out, I change, hop up, cover up and wait for them to knock. Well this lady just parked it on her chair at the monitor… she never left the room! It was SO awkward. I didn’t know if I should act like it was no big deal and drop my pants right there, go in the bathroom and come out with the sheet wrapped around me like a towel, or remind her that she was supposed to leave. We spent what felt like ages chatting awkwardly while I waited trying to give her time to leave… most awkward day ever. And Sam was dying laughing the whole time… so embarrassing!

What is the best part of blogging your IF journey?
This community. Hands down. The IF blogging community is the best thing ever and it was exactly what I needed to get through these years.

And with that, I'm done. I'm fairly sure just about everyone has been nominated, and as I've already admitted, I wasn't very good at continuing the chain letter. Womp womp. I love you ladies to pieces! I think if nothing else, the last few weeks have shown us all exactly why we do this, why we keep up with these blogs. It's not to see how many followers you have or how many comments you can get, it's to be there when your friend gets bad news, to celebrate the amazing wins, and to rally as a community when things go terribly wrong. Infertility sucks something crazy, but I'm proud to be a part of such a strong, beautiful community!

 

Fearful Heart

I swear you guys, I was all prepared to write a happy, optimistic post about blogger love, but I just can't. Not after this. I've sobbed for the last half hour. I'm sure my coworkers think my dog died. My makeup is gone... no signs that I even tried to get ready this morning. But ughhh, my heart is just so broken! I can't imagine living through what Holly and her husband experienced last night. Just reading about it tears my heart to shreds and scares me half to death.

Holly, even in her darkest hour, is concerned for her pregnant friends. She doesn't want them to be afraid. She keeps explaining just how rare the condition is, how unlikely it would be for any of her friends to experience the same condition. I'm not even pregnant and I'm scared. I think I've seen too much. I know too much. I've heard too many heartbreaking stories to believe that two pink lines means a baby. Hell, I'm not sure I believe the second trimester or even a positive anatomy scan means a bring home baby. Holly had all of those things, and now this.

And Holly isn't the only one. My sweet friend Caroline just passed the due date for her precious son, Jackson Dean. But of course Caroline doesn't have Jackson at home with her because he passed away just a few short hours after his birth over three months ago. She's now gearing up for a FET. There is so much strength there; it's really astounding.

I've never experienced a pregnancy... not really. For the last twenty years or so I've thought of pregnancy as this beautiful wonderland of fluffy clouds and wildflowers... what could be better? Pregnant women just glow, right? The experience of a pregnancy was actually part of the reason I wanted to pursue IVF rather than adoption... I wanted the experience. But after all I've seen, all I've read, all I've heard, pregnancy is starting to look and sound like the perfect cocktail for a mental breakdown. I've always been a fearful person. I'm not a risk taker... like, at all. I never learned to ride a bike because "what if I fall?" I'm not adventurous. I've never said "lets try it, just once". I typically stick to the safe, easy, tried and true method of things. IVF is not safe, easy, nor tried and true for me. It's adventurous, it's unknown, it's scary.

The days on the calendar are ticking by at some kind of crazy rate all of a sudden. For years, I have felt like the days were barely moving, like I couldn't wait one more minute to get there. But now that there is a date on the calendar, time is flying. And I'm scared. I'm scared of the medications. I don't do medication well... I have to be in a lot of pain to even take Tylenol (because what if it causes liver damage?). I'm the person who should not read the warning labels on medications because I will suddenly manifest all of the above. And IVF meds are no joke, so I'm scared. Scared of the risks I'm willing to take with my health both now and later to achieve this dream. I'm terrified of the needles. I know we already sort of conquered this with the last IUI... but lets get real. Follistim is the smallest needle available. And it isn't even a painful medication. It's not viscous. It doesn't burn. It's the easiest of all of the meds. The big boys are still to come. Risa just wrote a post about progesterone in oil... I'm pretty sure I swallowed bile. I'm terrified of the needles to come. I'm afraid of the pain from growing 20-30 eggs, afraid of the egg retrieval, the anesthesia, the risk of OHSS... it's all just really scary.

But the fear doesn't end there. Then there's the fear of failure. The fear of a broken heart, one that is far more severely broken than anything I've dealt with to date. I have assumed that even if it worked, I'd be afraid. I've seen two pink lines before... I know that fear well. But at some point, at some magical place I have assumed the fear would end. That the fluffy clouds would descend and the wildflowers would bloom and pregnancy would be this blissful wonderland of discomfort and nausea and pure AWESOMENESS. But now I'm not so sure. Will I ever be able to embrace a pregnancy and say "this, this is my bring home baby"? Today, it doesn't seem like it.

But the truth is, there is no easy way forward. IVF is fraught with danger and fear. There's no way around it... just got to go through it. Adoption isn't the fearless path either. I assure you, Erika is afraid of losing Ellison. The path from here to motherhood is going to be a scary thing. There doesn't seem to be any way around it. Even if I got pregnant on my own, without IVF, I would be afraid. I know too much.

The bible is filled with calls for faith, for trust... "Do not be afraid, for I am with you." (Isaiah 43:5) I am not Peter... I don't think I'd ever crawl out of that boat. But I'm asking the Lord to lead me through, to give me faith, to make me fearless. It's a long way from where I stand today to where I want to be. A long time to work on this fearful heart.

Please join me in continuing to pray for Holly, Darren, and baby Jude.

Things Change

Some things change... like leaves, and seasons, and temperatures. But some things don't... like friendships. I got to experience all of the above this past weekend. We went on our "annual" fall hiking/camping trip with the Fentons this past weekend. I get to say annual as we've now gone twice... can't wait for next year!

I was a wee bit concerned about the weekend as we went a bit later this year and we had just experienced the first few mornings at the freezing mark. I LOVE cold weather, but typically I'm inside, snuggled up by a fire with a good book and mug of hot chocolate to enjoy it. Freezing temperatures in the wilderness... I wasn't exactly sure how fun that would be. Thankfully, the temperatures weren't that bad. Saturday was a BEAUTIFUL day for hiking! It was the perfect temperature to work hard but not feel miserably hot and sweaty. The leaves weren't quite as vibrant and colorful as I would have liked, but I think that's probably due to the rainiest summer ev-ah. It was still an awesome day though.

Kyle and Lesley Anne are wonderful people... we are so blessed to call them friends. Kyle was in PT school with Sam and they were newlyweds like us when PT school started so we've shared a lot of the same struggles and wins over the last few years. Add in that they also have a Weim and it's pretty much a match made in heaven. And Sterling loves Doc. Those boys are BFFs for life. I swear Sterling even knows his name. If we say "Doc Doc" he wags his tail and gets really excited! We don't get to see them nearly as much as we would like as they have recently purchased a home about an hour north of Athens, but despite the time between visits, they remain some of our favorite people! It is always wonderful to spend some time with them... bonus is that Sterling comes home exhausted!

Here are some photos of the weekend:

Sterling loves to run on the trails. He was surprisingly good!

Taking a water break: This doesn't quite show the
massive incline... he was pooped. Mom was super pooped.

Lunch break: One out of ten of them both looking at the camera.
I think Sam is saying "Look at Momma".

Sterling's Lunch: yummy stick

Stole this one from Lesley Anne: The only one with all four of us!

Triple Falls: Lesley Anne tells me that the
Hunger Games was filmed here

Hooker Falls: slightly less dramatic after Triple Falls

"Brrr Mom, it's cold" Snuggly puppy trying to stay warm

Post hike, pre 9000 layers to keep warm

Some body's tired. He was knocked out for the whole ride home... sweet boy.

 It was a wonderful weekend with the Fentons. Sterling obviously had a blast, and we did too! Next year we might even see about taking off a half day so we can stay for two nights... whoaa, I know. Sleeping on the ground for TWO NIGHTS?!?!?! Getting crazy!

So thankful for the changing seasons and the cooler weather. And the time change is coming soon... I think I'm the only person who enjoys the fall forward time change. But you get an extra hour of sleep AND you have more excuses to stay in and snuggle up with a good book because it's dark... winning! Happy Fall, y'all!