Curious Cats

So you know the old adage, Crazy Old Cat Lady? There is something about older, single, ladies that appears to draw cats. Are they unmarried because they have cats? Or do they have so many cats because they aren't married? Hmmmmmm.

Okay, spinster cat ladies, is actually NOT the topic here. But I've begun to notice a trend, and I'm wondering if there is anything scientific behind this:

Infertile Ladies are More Likely to have Cats than Fertile Myrtles

I know, I know, that seems crazy. What proof do I have? Very subjective evidence I'll admit, but cheek this out. I follow the blogs of 23 ladies who have dealt with or are dealing with infertility, include me, and that makes 24.

Crazy (Cool) Cat Ladies:

1. Me
2. Scrambled Eggs
3. Submerged
4. If You Don't Stand for Something
5. Something Beautiful
6. From my Bathtub
7. Hopeful and Hungry
8. My Bum Ovaries
9. Just Stop Trying and It Will Happen
10. Sometimes it's Hard to get Pregnant
11. Patience is not my Virtue

That is almost HALF!!! Now, tell me, are half of your female friends cat owners? Not mine. I'm constantly surrounded by "I'm allergic" and "I'm a dog person". In fact, I think I recently met the only other person I know in real life who owns a cat. So it's strange to me that HALF of my fellow TTCers own cats. Now obviously, not all infertiles have cats. In fact, by my little "experiment" here, more than half do not. So it is quite apparent that there is NOT a direct correlation between cat ownership and infertility. But it does seem that there is some type of connection. What might it be?

Possible Answers to this Question:

1. Cats cause infertility (hmmmm, seems doubtful, but I guess possible)
2. Infertile women are innately more attracted to cats than fertile women (maybe this is how spinsters end up with so many cats)
3. I am subconsciously drawn to fellow bloggers who have cats

If you google cats and infertility you'll get the usual about toxoplasmosis and the risks there, but obviously that has more to do with staying pregnant or keeping baby healthy, and nothing to do with getting pregnant. But there do seem to be lots of "old wive's tales" out there that cats cause infertility. Odd. There are also lots of stories about people getting rid of a cat due to infertility or fear over a pregnancy. Hmmmm…

I don't know about you ladies, but I've had a cat since I was 8 years old. She was my first pet. She was a blue pint Himalayan named Soo Ming. I loved that little girl to pieces. She died at the ripe old age of 16. Broke my poor little heart.

Now, I have a seal point Himalayan named Everest. She is three and a half. She is basically the sweetest little fur ball you've ever seen. And she is a trooper too. I don't think she would have come home with me quite so calmly had she known we were going to add a 8 week old Weimaraner to the mix 6 months later.

Everest,  lying across Harry Potter so I am forced to pet her

I can't imagine that this little baby is the root of all of my problems, nor that my first cat was. Although, I do suspect that if I ever do bring home a baby, Everest will throw a royal hissy fit. She didn't like the addition of husband to the mix, now her giant grey brother. I'm guessing baby won't win her over either.

So what do you think? Is there anything here? Strange coincidence? What about you, are your infertile friends cat owners?

Blogger Dearest

I've been nominated for the Liebster Award. What the heck is this you may ask? I'm taking the words from fellow blogger, Bree, over at Thought Provoking Moments:

The Liebster Blog Award is given to up-and-coming bloggers with less than 200 followers, and nominated by fellow bloggers. Liebster is a German word meaning sweetest, kindest, nicest, dearest, beloved, lovely, kind, pleasant, valued, cute, endearing and welcome. 

I was nominated by fellow blogger and TTCer Alie at Patience is Not my Virtue. Thanks Alie! Alie is precious. I haven't been following her for very long as she has only been blogging for a few short months, but she hit the ground running and got very involved in the blogging community (something I have been slow to do).

So what's the deal with this award? Well it appears that it's origins are kind of unknown as are the rules, so I'm going to stick with the general consensus of those being nominated now instead of two years ago. Basically once nominated, you answer the questions posed to you by your nominator, then you select 11 fellow bloggers who meet the criteria and pose questions to them. Sounds an awful lot like the dreaded chain letter, but I'm trying to be better at taking part in the blogging community, so here goes.

If you could choose one word from the dictionary to describe yourself,  which would you choose? 

Learner. Okay, so in a real dictionary, this would technically be under "learn". But that's a verb, and I didn't consult a dictionary. I'm going with Strengths Finders 2.0 here. Here is the definition of my top strength,"People who are especially talented in the Learner theme have a great desire to learn and want to continuously improve. In particular, the process of learning, rather than the outcome, excites them". That's definitely me, in all things. I'm not really a people person, but in a situation in which I can learn about you, I'm a sponge. And I'll remember it all. I also research things until I'm blue in the face. I'm thinking I may have been given infertility so that I could start my education towards becoming an RE myself (kidding, but somedays I wonder).

What’s your biggest pet peeve?

Hypocrites. I try to live my life under the guidelines of this scripture, "When they continued to ask Jesus their question, he raised up and said, 'Anyone here who has never sinned can throw the first stone at her'." (John8:7). I think non-Christians often have a negative image of Christianity, one that Christians all too often deserve. We often forget that we are sinners too, that we are imperfect people living under God's grace. I HATE when I hear Christians pass judgment on others or use manmade rules to judge their fellow man. I think if we began every relationship from a place of love, the world would be a better place and people might actually want what we've got.

Throughout your journey, what is the most important lesson you’ve learned thus far?

Can we say learning? I certainly haven't learned this yet, but I would say the meaning of childlike faith.

What’s your favorite childhood memory?

Ski trips with my family. We use to return yearly to my home state of Colorado to go for gloriously long, expensive family vacations. I was far too young to appreciate the expense, which was beautiful, because I couldn't feel guilty about it. I was also way too young to pick up on the disfunction in my family or the underlying currents at play. I was oblivious. I was in love. With Colorado, with snow, with my gorgeous ski instructors (I think I was 6, the first time), with hot tubs in the snow, with snow angels, with wood fires, with scarves, hats, and gloves. 

What’s your biggest regret?

Can we just say high school? High school was rough for me (isn't it for everybody?). I looked for comfort in all the wrong places. I wasn't socially outgoing enough to survive in the midst of cheerleaders, student council leaders, and the popular cliques. I made some dumb decisions in high school. So I guess if I could do it again I would, but ughhh, who wants to go back to high school?

If you could change a life experience, what would it be?

I think that's obvious. Infertility. I am not one of those TTCers who can honestly say I'm thankful for infertility and the lessons it has taught me. Nope. I'm good. I'll give this up at anytime.

Tell us something quirky about you.

Just one thing? Ha. I'm more likely to stop and help an animal on the side of the road than a person. I know, I know. I could get bitten. I could get attacked. I could get rabies. But injured, sad, mommyless animals make me sooooooo sad. And whether it is true or not, I think I'm a lot more likely to get attacked by people than an animal.

What’s your favorite dish/meal?

Whatever my husband makes. ; ) Well, no, not everything he makes. I hate his jambalaya. I think I'd go with his homemade Hawaiian pizza, but a close second would be his homemade pork pot stickers. Yep, I married a foodie.

Who or what’s been your biggest influence throughout life?

I've been very blessed to have lots of influential people in my life. Some really awesome friends who have inspired me or motivated me. A fabulous boss, (married Sam and I) from whom I will always seek wise counsel. Lots of people have been influential. But longest lasting, and therefore, most influential throughout my life would definitely be my mom. She is so strong. She has been through her own hell(s) during her life and things like losing a teenaged brother, losing a young father, miscarriage, cheating husbands, and divorce have not caused her to waiver in her positive attitude. She has been a light in the darkest moments of my life.

Do you have a bucket list?

Umm, no. I plan to live to be 100. I've got time. Plus mine would be uber boring at this point in my life.  No skydiving or anything crazy like that. I'm too much of a scaredy cat for anything too awesome.

What do you do for a living?

Umm, nothing. I majored in graphic design and worked briefly in the field, but I haven't done much in a couple of years. I'm currently unemployed due to our move and the commencement of fertility treatments. However, these days are almost over. Job hunt 2012 will commence soon. Eventually, I'd like to be a stay at home mom (maybe even homeschool), but we shall see.

Okay, so that's enough about me. Maybe that dictionary word should have been long-winded. : ) So who am I nominating? Check these lovely ladies out.

Lesley Anne @ Front Porch Sittin' with the Fentons
Kara @ From My Dreams to My Arms

Jessica @ From my Bathtub

Bren @ Bren's Baby Bump

Trisha @ The Elusive Second Line
Tami @ Submerged
Ali @ Here  I Go Again

(these last ladies are by no means new to blogging, 
but they are under the 200 stipulation;

if you aren't following them, you should be)

Erika @ Something Beautiful

Amanda @ Meet the Joiners
Allison @ The Blogivers
(she is soooo close to 200, hop on over and give her a look)

1. Why did you start blogging?
2. What's your biggest pet peeve?
3. If you were a crayon, what color would you be?
4. If you could travel anywhere, where would you go?
5. What's your favorite book?
6. What is the quirkiest thing about you?
7. If dreams always came true, how many kids would you want?
8. What is your greatest vice?
9. What is your favorite thing about your husband?
10. What is your happiest childhood memory?
11. If you could live anywhere in the world, where would you be?

Cloudy (with a Chance of Sun + Rain)

Emotional Climates. That's what we are discussing at my church and in my small group. The promo video for the series made me feel like this series was probably made for me. Probably not in a warm-fuzzy feeling, but in a you need to take action kind of way. Oh goody. My favorite.

So basically the video (which you can see here under Climate Change: Forecast) starts with people conducting daily activities. Walking down the sidewalk, cleaning the kitchen, playing golf, etc. Above their heads spins a wheel of emotions represented by weather icons. Happy = sunshine, angry = thunderstorm, etc. You get the picture. While watching the video, I couldn't help but think that my weather icon would be cloudy. Permanently.

Emotions have always been complex and difficult for me. I respond, interact, and make decisions often solely based on how I feel. As you can imagine, this has gotten me into lots of trouble in my life. And all too often, I don't even try to combat it. I allow my period to make me moody, and I just expect those around me to deal with it, because "hey, I've got an excuse." Over the last year, I've allowed infertility to become the ultimate excuse for a down right dismal emotional climate.

Don't get me wrong. Us infertiles, our lives are tough, and somedays, we deserve to have an off day. We deserve to be a hormonal mess, we deserve to be raging mad, we deserve aloofness from the rest of the world. But not everyday. Even if it is our right to behave this way, it does us and our family a disservice.

Is it all cloudy in my world? No, of course not. There are moments, days even when the sun comes out, and I'm happy. It might not be the happiest I've ever been, because everything feels a little different under the infertile filter. But I am happy sometimes. Then, there are moments and days where the forecast is a whole lot worse than cloudy; it's thunderstorms, it's monsoon style rain, it's practically a tornado warning. I'm certainly guilty of this. The last time there was a monsoon around here: negative test day #2.

Anyway, the series at church is on climate change: how you can change your emotional climate. Convicted. I probably have a little work to do. Boo. I kind of like rainy days. But most people don't, and my husband didn't choose to live in Forks, Washington, so I've got to find a way to pursue a baby without allowing my emotions about failures and setbacks to set my emotional climate for me.

But you get the picture: if something goes right, it's all "sunshiny" and "rose-colored glasses". On the other hand, if something goes wrong, it's "greener grass is on the other side" and "woe is me". And this is how I've always been. How do I change? No good ideas over here. I'm thinking the best philosophy for starting out is maybe "fake it till you make it". Add in some like minded people who radiate happiness and keep a thankful attitude, and I'll probably become little miss sunshine. We shall see.

Step one in changing your emotional climate is apparently to find out what your climate is (I'm pretty clear on mine). The "take-home" item for the week was a dare to ask people a simple question: "what's it like to be, on the other side of me." I despise the wording of this question as it requires a full explanation and cannot stand alone, but the answers from it can be really valuable. I won't even get into the giant can of worms that was opened when asking my husband this question. That is for another day. The remainder of the series goes on to discuss how things like conflict and insecurities can affect your emotional climate. Good thing there are three more weeks of this and a great group of people I can work through this with, because obviously, this is just for me.

How about you? Do you need to work on your emotional climate? Do you even know the climate you project and carry with you wherever you go?

Rat Race

Does anybody ever get out of this rat race?

I was reminded Saturday at my IUI that, as sad as it is, a positive pregnancy test does not mean a take home baby. I'm not trying to be dramatic, and I know I've got to keep a positive attitude during the next two weeks, but oh, my heart was aching for the woman in the room beside me. Just moments before my IUI, I heard screaming. Not joyous screaming, not scared screaming, but wailing, hair wrenching, gut twisting, screaming. And then the crying. The sobbing took over. I'm not sure what was happening, but my guess is that her ultrasound delivered bad news (there were ultrasound photos outside the room when I left). Obviously it wasn't a pregnancy test result as those are delivered over the phone. It didn't sound like just bad news either, it sounded like someone died, literally. My heart broke for her. Whoever she is.

My IUI went fine. Numbers wise, it was the worst IUI to date, but it is what it is. I've somewhat come to terms with this IUI. Either it works, or it doesn't, and stressing, analyzing, and researching what each number means statistically will not change the end result. It is all out of my hands at this point; all I can do is keep my body as healthy as possible so that if we fertilize our little egg, we have the best chance of implanting and staying put.

This is all that I'm going to allow myself to focus on in the two weeks ahead. There will be plenty of time to discuss IVF, what went wrong, and what to do in the meantime after the pregnancy test. There will be tons of time to worry about keeping myself pregnant if I ever get pregnant.

But this past week in particular, I was reminded that two pink lines, a heartbeat, and even a live birth does not guarantee a take home baby. And this is heartbreaking. FIVE of the bloggers that I follow are currently suffering through a miscarriage. TWO are in the waiting days for their first or next betas to confirm or deny the home pregnancy tests. My cousin's cousin delivered a beautiful baby boy at 23 weeks, and she buried him on Wednesday. And then the poor lady at the doctor. My heart is hurting for all of them. It really is soooooooo unfair. I get that life isn't fair. I get that for the most part, we are an incredibly blessed people who have far more than others. But in this, life is not fair. It seems to kick us even when we are down. Just when it seems that one of us might actually escape this endless maze, we find ourselves staring at another dead end.

So I ask again, does anyone ever get out of this rat race?

Nerves of Tin Foil

Well, just call me Nervous Nelly. I feel sooooo much more anxious than I did for IUI #1, which I guess is understandable as THIS IS IT. But oh goodness, I'm a bundle of nerves right about now and scared out of my mind.

Let's back up a minute. You remember that post where I said there was ZERO percent chance of me being pregnant before my birthday, well stop the presses, but it appears that there actually is a chance. Now this won't be a confirmed pregnancy, not even an implanted pregnancy, but it seems that there will actually be, however infinitesimally small a chance, that sperm might meet egg before my birthday.

"How is this possible," you ask? I am equally floored to learn this. You will understand my SHOCK when I peed on my OPK this morning to see a smiley face looking back at me. Huh?!?!? I have never, ever, not ever  received a positive OPK before CD 18. Today is CD 13. Thankfully I already had my mid-cycle planned for this morning. It appears to be true, I am ready to bust, sans hCG injection this go around. My lining is gorgeous, 11mm grade 1. Nice cushy spot for baby to snuggle up, don't you think? The down side is that upping the dose on Femara did not in fact make more follicles. I have one follicle on my right side, 28mm. So the husband should be happy; no risk of twins this time. I of course am a little bummed. I wanted lots and lots of big follicles. My doctor said that as I am proving rather difficult to impregnate, she wouldn't cancel the cycle for as many as 4 follicles. I am, of course, doubting the decision to go with femara now, as I know on clomid I'd have 3+ follicles. Hindsight is 20/20. There is no going back now though, so on we go.

IUI #3 (THE LAST ONE) is set for tomorrow morning at 9:45. As it is a Saturday, Sam will be there this time. That is comforting as, if today is any indication, I will be a nervous wreck waiting for the appropriate moment to have a giant ugly cry.

So here is my plea: I'm calling on all intercessors and prayer warriors. I don't usually ask for prayer coverage, but if you will, lift us up this weekend. Ovulation will probably occur tonight, so Saturday is a crucial day, but this weekend is all considered "well-timed". I'm scared out of my mind right now, so my prayers sound like incoherent garbldy-gook. So step alongside us and pray for a literal miracle. A "God breathing life into nothing" miracle. A "the odds are so against you" miracle. Because people, I need a miracle.

I'll update all of you avid and interested readers of my stirrup days tomorrow.

Head in the Game

Confession time: I threw a MAJOR pity party last week. My head was totally out of sorts. I was allowing myself to give up on this round and feel sorry for myself. I felt like I had a one-way ticket to IVF. I got super depressed and allowed myself to stay there.

Why was I in such a funk? Well I spoke with my nurse who mentioned that it would be good to get a consult on the books in case this cycle fails (boost of confidence, right?). I totally get that she was just making sure that I can move forward as quickly as I'm ready, but it wasn't what I needed to hear that day. I asked if this consultation would be for IVF, and I received a confirmative. If this cycle fails, they will recommend IVF. I knew this, but hearing it just made it so much more real. So that was a low point on Tuesday. Then Wednesday I spoke with her to say that there's no real rush to schedule the appointment. Without even knowing the price, we don't have the money. She casually mentioned that a ball park figure is $12,000 for IVF. Despite the astronomical number, at first I was thinking, "huh, not as bad as I thought. I was scared it would $15,000." But then she followed that up with "and then the meds are between $2,000 and $5,000." EXCUSE ME?!?!?!? I had in my head that IVF was between $10,000 and $15,000 and that was bad enough, but $17,000!!!!! Are you kidding me?

So you can see why I was a little bummed. It's not that I don't think a baby would be worth $17,000; I thoroughly believe it would be completely worth it. But this is the thing: that money doesn't buy you a baby; it buys you the chance of a baby, about a 60% chance to be exact. So it is completely realistic to assume you might have to do this more than once. I can't even fathom how long it would take Sam and I to save $17,000 dollars. And that's just one shot.

But, I am DONE with worrying about it. Do you hear me? I'm done (for now). We're in the middle of an IUI cycle and we need to give it every opportunity to succeed. So new protocol from here on out.

One thing I am not going to do… I'm not going to worry about being stressed. This is stressful. End of story. But worrying about what the stress is doing isn't helping anything. I read this article the other day and one of the talking points was that stress is inevitable in this, so find easy, simple ways to deal with it if you can, and just accept it. Basically the message is that stress from the treatment is not going to prevent success. What a relief! I loved this quote,"Stress is not contraception. If it were, no one in New York would get pregnant." Haha! Wonderful!

New week, new attitude. I had a fabulous, relaxing weekend, and for now, my head is in the game. I'm going to do EVERYTHING I possibly can to make this cycle successful. No more diet cokes, not even the caffeine free variety. I'm going to eat as many fruits and veggies as possible and limit the sweets and junk food. I'm going to try to get some exercise, whether elliptical, walking, or yoga at least 5 times a week. I'm simply going to try to be as healthy physically and emotionally as I can to give this last IUI the best chance of success I can. If it fails, I'll know that we tried everything possible. And we will decide at that point how and when we will cross the IVF bridge.

So wish me luck and start the prayers. Mid-cycle check is Friday. I want 3-5 big, beautiful follicles and a gorgeous uterine lining.

Fall and Friends

I am one happy and relaxed lady right about now and it is all thanks to some wonderful, beautiful friends and the gorgeous fall weather we've been having. Cue deep sigh.

Friday started off the weekend with a lovely fall wedding for two of our friends. It was a beautiful day and the bride was stunning! These are precious people who I met years ago when I worked at Athens Church. I loved them then, but I love them even more now. Literally, by the hand of God, we've ended up in what I term the "rockstar community group", and these two are a definite reason for the rockstar quality. Their ceremony was gorgeous and filled with so much love and support! They have a beautiful story of how they "found each other" and fell in love, and it is wonderful to be a part of the next chapter in that story.

The night continued with fun and festivities as we sat with several of our small group members and had time to chat with friends we haven't seen in years. The reception was perfect. The bride danced the night away in a whirlwind of friends and family and she looked beautiful even at the very, very end. Sam and I failed to take any pictures of ourselves as usual, despite the fact that there was the perfect set up. Adorable decoration idea: hang various picture frames from the ceiling over your tables and let the hilarity ensue. The photos I've seen thus far on Facebook have been hilarious and adorable.

Saturday morning came and we realized how old we are. Stinking exhausted after the late night of packing and preparing, but we were so excited to go camping! We went just outside of Brevard, NC to hike. This girl was way unprepared. I believe the 8 weeks of laziness and the additional "I'm depressed weight" didn't help, but man, I got my tail kicked. But it was awesome, and I truly loved every minute. We went with some dear friends that we met in Augusta, Kyle and Lesley Anne Fenton, and their awesome Weim, Doc. Needless to say, there were a lot of laughs on Saturday as the pups frolicked in the leaves. As if it's not hard to tell the two apart, Lesley Anne brought red bandanas and gave one to Sterling. Basically they looked like grey blurs with a flash of red as they streaked by. Keep an eye out at her blog for some additional photos, as I'm sure she will be posting soon.

Here are some lovely photos to document the trip:

PreHike: We're excited!

Everyone blazing ahead.

Lunch break at John's Rock

Looking across the valley at Looking Glass Rock

Post Hike: Sweaty but rejuvenated after lunch

Stop at a photo opp on our way home

Saturday night we had some scrumptious chili and s'mores. I may or may not have had two s'mores before the chili was ready. Yum! Camping with Sterling was a lot more successful than I thought it would be. I was worried that he would wander through the tent and cause destruction, but he slept like a sweetheart. It probably had to do with the 5+ miles we hiked, plus the additional miles he added as he looped us.

We woke up partially rested and sore to have some yummy pancakes and bacon for breakfast. There may or may not have been an additional s'more added after breakfast. I just felt bad for the fire. It looked lonely without my marshmallow in there.

I slept on the ride home, which my sweet husband decided to photograph and post to Facebook. He's such a sweetheart. I'll spare you the photo of sleepy, dirty, smoky Amanda. You're welcome.

I feel AMAZING after that beautiful weekend and truly thankful. I am so often concerned with the things that I don't have, the obvious, and the less talked about. It was wonderful to take some deep breaths this weekend and pause to recognize that I am truly blessed. I have an incredible husband, caring friends, and we are alive to witness another beautiful season that the Lord has given. Thankful.

Lucky to be in Love with My Best Friend

That's what our wedding bands say. Sam's says "lucky to be in love" and mine says "with my best friend." And it's true, for so many reasons. Obviously in this walk of life, I need a friend, a lover, a partner, an encourager, a confidant. Sam is all of these things to me.

Way back when, in our newlywed days I wrote a little post about how fabulous my husband is and how lucky I am to call him mine. Well, it's time to do that again. What spurred this outpouring of wifely love and support? Sam finished his second clinical today, and I can't help but be reminded of how far we've come.

It's hard to believe but at the end of sophomore year, Sam's GPA was a 2.5 (freshman year was rough). You don't get into graduate school with a GPA like that. Sam made the tough decision to quit the basketball team and focus on getting his GPA up. He switched majors to Exercise Science as more of the required courses for that were also required for PT school.

Fast forward to graduation, Sam pulled his GPA up to 3.2. That was freaking AWESOME, but we still didn't know if it would be enough to get into PT school. That darn GRE, which I KNEW had no relation to success as a PT, was standing in the way. Long story short, he got in (obviously).

But Sam hasn't just passed, he's been AMAZING! Out of 6 academic semesters, he made straight A's in 4. In his most recent clinical, he was supposed to attain "advanced intermediate level" proficiency in order to pass. Well, wouldn't you know, he achieved at least "entry level" on everything. Which means right now, he's proficient enough to start work. And he still has 2 more clinical rotations before graduation. Imagine how fabulous he'll be then.

Dear future employers, Please, feel free to fight over him. Submit your offer and we will review and consider them all. We look forward to working with you and receiving a paycheck.

So needless to say my husband is going to be a fabulous PT. It's been amazing to watch this journey unfold and see him grow during the last 7 years. It's also incredible to watch someone's dreams come true. I think so many people (myself included) struggle to choose a major or find fulfillment in a career. Not Sam. He's known what he's wanted for years and he's worked really hard to get it. I'm just a smidge bit proud if you couldn't tell.

In the midst of the most challenging, stressful, and overwhelming chapter of our story thus far, it is wonderful to have complete belief that my husband is going to be an incredible, dependable provider for our family (whatever shape or size that may be). He is a rock in the midst of this storm and I couldn't be more proud to call him my husband! These two and a half years have truly been some of the best years of my life. I'd like the current season to end, but there is NO ONE I would rather walk through this with. I love you Sam!

Stay tuned because after today, Sam is a free man for the next 3 days (big break I know). But we have a lot of fun scheduled in this little weekend, and I for one, could really use some fun right about now!

Did I Imagine It?

It happened, right? I really did get pregnant, right? I mean, I remember the HPT results; it clearly stated in all caps POSITIVE. I remember the phone call: "you're pregnant, but you may be miscarrying." I remember the emotional pain of seeing those first drops of blood. I remember the physical pain that lasted for says. It happened, right?

It makes no sense, but I'm starting to wonder if it was real. The longer we spend trying and the more medical procedures fail, the more I wonder how/if I was ever really pregnant. If I really did get pregnant in our 4th month of trying all on my own, with no medical intervention, then doesn't it follow that 14 months and 8 active cycles later that I would be pregnant again? Everything about me is monitored now from temperature to estradiol levels. From uterine lining to follicle size. And they are literally cleaning all the junk off the swimmers, selecting the fittest and fastest and placing them directly inside of me on ovulation day. I don't get it. This should have worked already.

We (thankfully) do not have any deal-breaker diagnoses. We have swimmers. Lots of them. We have eggs. I ovulate (all by my big girl self too). Those are the keys to success. No missing ingredients here. So what exactly is the freaking deal?!?!??

Were you real little one? I hate that I'm questioning your existence. I promised I would never forget you, and now I'm not sure that I didn't dream you into existence. Were you real?

Birthdays- and that Darn Biological Clock

Today I marked my first appointment of IUI #3 on the calendar. And then it hit me: there is absolutely no way I will be pregnant by my 27th birthday. October 21st (my birthday) will be cycle day 15. I will more than likely be scheduled for the IUI sometime that week, but I will not be pregnant. I am not okay with that. It seems that the big holidays hit a lot harder than just watching the calendar flip. Another birthday, and no baby. Another Christmas, still no baby. I got pregnant at 25. I thought I would have my baby when I was 26. But now 27 looms and not only am I not a mommy, I'm not a mommy-to-be either. Just me, again, but another year older. I also realized this: I have 12 weeks post birthday to get pregnant or I will be 28 before I give birth. This is insane to me. Insane.

I used to wonder (until very recently) how ladies got to be "so old" before those decided to start treatment. I mean, I completely understand that some people don't get married in their 20's. I get that. I've learned living on the doorstep of Atlanta, that most people in big cities think I'm crazy that I felt "old" getting married at 24. But I come from a small town where more than one friend actually married her high school sweetheart, and they never, ever broke up. I'd say 22 or 23 was the average age for the currently married crowd to say "I do". So I never understood how people who got married decently young end up in their mid-30's trying for baby #1. I now fully understand how this happens. The years just kind of melt away. There's this whole timeline that you have to go through, and it takes years to get to treatment for most and then treatment can take years (and years, and years).

Steps to ending up way older than you ever thought you'd be to start your family:

1. You have to decide you want a baby. 
2. You're "Not trying, just not NOT trying"
3. Trying
4. Trying harder
5. Then you have to accept that something is "not quite right". 
6. Then you have to go see your OB/GYN, at what point you get told to "try harder" or you jump straight to Clomid (because everybody does Clomid). 
7. And if your OB/GYN can't get you knocked up, you debate about a specialist. 
8. Then you try IUI's. If you're really lucky all 3 will be in a row, but you might end up with a cancelled cycle in their too.
9. And when the IUI's fail, they recommend IVF, which of course you haven't been saving for, because to start ahead of time, would foreshadow your impending doom.
10. Save for IVF
11. Begin the long journey that is IVF

Sure some people end up at the dreaded "35 and older"category for trying to conceive because they are more career oriented. They wanted to have a career, buy a house, or some other milestone before kids. I get that. It wasn't my choice. And I think you have to walk into that situation with your eyes wide open. You have to know that choosing promotions, and houses, and essentially "more time" means you will have "less time" to procreate. It may work out, but it may not.

That however was not my choice. Sure I want a house, and a dog, and a fence (not white picketed, but still), but I've always been a firm believer that there will never be a "perfect time" to start a family. You can always say you need more money, or a better job, or a better city before you start a family. That's why I placed none of those things before becoming a parent. My only stipulation prior to motherhood: marriage. But here I am, embarking on 27 without a job (let alone a career), or a house, OR a baby. So I pretty much have nothing to show for myself.

And I now fully understand how time slips away. We've been actively trying to get pregnant for 17 months. Sometimes it seems like forever, and sometimes it seems like yesterday. The months, while tedious to live through, pile one on top of the other. So yea, I see how fellow TTCers got to be 30 or older so easily now. It's not that they signed up for a late start. It's that this process is just that, a process. The lucky ones get off the conveyer belt of infertility early on, but the rest remain on, slowly aging.

Can I get off please?

What to Say When There are No Words

Since I outed myself to the world as fertility challenged, I've had my fair share of awkward conversations. Sometimes it's awkward because the friend doesn't know what to say, and sometimes it's awkward because I have no words to reply to her asinine comment. Most recently, I've had numerous conversations in which people have iterated that they "have no words". Well, that makes two of us. But in all seriousness, there are things to say and not to say. Well, I'm here to help you navigate the land mine that is infertility etiquette.

The odds are good if you have many friends between the ages of 25-45 that you currently know at least one person in the grips of this awful condition. You may not know it. They may not be sharing. So my advice, is to tread lightly around baby subjects with anyone. If someone doesn't respond with equal fervor to your announcement that you "think you're ready to have a baby" or your "wouldn't an autumn baby be nice" comment, then just chill. And if you actually do know that a friend is struggling, recognize that you're on thin ice. Tread carefully and wisely and your friend will love you for it. You can be a major benefit to her in some of the darkest times of her life.

We will start off our etiquette lesson with:

What NOT to Say

1. RELAX- Do not say "relax", "just let it happen", or "take a vacation". None of these things are cures for infertility. Relaxing is practically impossible when you're strung out on meds and planning every day of the month around doctor's appointments. If you're friend is infertile, then rest assured, she tried the "we're not trying, we're just not NOT trying" thing. Obviously that's a "no go" for her. And taking a vacation, while it sounds blissful is probably the last thing on her mind. If she's in treatment, she's spending all her pennies on meds and appointments. Chilling on a beach is probably not her top priority. And even if it was, it will most likely not be the cure. Otherwise, we would all be on extended hiatuses to Hawaii. 
2. Do NOT Complain about your Pregnancy- It's mind boggling to me that people would do this, but it's happened to me numerous times and I constantly read about it from other bloggers. The fact that your stomach hurts, you can only eat saltines, your ankles are swollen, or your boobs are huge is not a topic of conversation that we can participate in. So just don't complain about it. If you want to trade "I feel icky" stories, I'm sure most IFers can go toe to toe with you, but be prepared for butt shots, stomach shots, vaginal suppositories, and a whole lot more. So please just remember that we would very obviously accept whatever "horror" you are living through to be in your EXACT shoes. Your infertile friend would give anything to experience the discomforts you are enduring because those discomforts come from a BABY growing inside of you. STOP COMPLAINING!
3. Do NOT Offer Consolation Prizes- I can't tell you how many people have said things to me like, "well, at least you can eat/drink whatever you want" or "at least your clothes fit". If you think about this for one, tiny second, you'll realize the error here. Eating fish and drinking a glass of wine is not compensation for the inability to get pregnant. And if you actually talk to your friend, the odds are extremely high, that they are living with an incredibly restrictive diet either self imposed or to maintain their diagnosis (like PCOS or Endometriosis). Their clothes probably don't fit either. If the stress and depression haven't taken their toll, then the meds probably have. So while yes, I may binge on caffeinated beverages during my period, no number of Starbucks lattes or Diet Cokes will make me feel better about not being pregnant. Again.
4. Do NOT Compare- This has happened to me a lot. A friend asks when I want children. I politely say, "we'd love them now. We've been trying for a while, and are now pursuing fertility treatments". Friend responds with their own awfulness like, "yea, we've been trying to buy a house. It's been awful". Those things are NOT the same. You're house hunting drama, while significant, and personal, is not even on the same scale as not being able to have a child. We can certainly discuss your homeownership woes, but the time is not after I just said I can't have a baby. Even if your situation is equally or somehow greater, it's not the time to compare. If your friend tells you that she miscarried her baby, don't say, "my grandmother died last month". It's awful your grandmother died. But trying to trump the fact that her baby died is not helpful. 
5. "It Will Happen"- You don't know that. I get that this is an off the cuff, immediate, go-to response upon hearing someone is struggling, but please hear this: it may not. Your friend is desperately hoping she'll be one of the lucky ones, but depending on how far she is along her journey, she may be coming to terms with the fact that not everyone gets a take home baby. Minimizing your friends struggle and shrugging it off with a flippant answer like "it'll happen" only makes your friend feel inferior that it hasn't already and like you don't recognize the reality: there is a MEDICAL problem.
6. Do NOT Offer Medical Advice- Stories like, "My great aunt Sally used birth control for 10 years and doctors say she can't have babies now" are not helpful. If your friend took birth control, it's done. She can't undo it. She probably wishes she could. I do. Not because I necessarily believe birth control pills are the root of all evil, but I spent hundreds of dollars on those stupid pills for no reason. Other stories like, "my friend's friend did IVF and she like, got pregnant with triplets"  are also not helpful. I guarantee you that your friend knows more about the medical options available to her than you do. 

Things to Say

1. I'm Sorry- This is GOLDEN. Can't think of anything to say? Just say "I'm sorry that you and your spouse have to go through this." 
2. I'm Here for You- This goes along with "I'm thinking of you" or "I've been praying for you". All of these things simply let your friend know that you care. So often it feels like all the fertile friends are moving on in their lives, while we IFers are forgotten because we can't plan nurseries or schedule play dates. Just let your friend know that you may not get it, but you care.

And for those of you out there who are really, truly interested in hearing your friend's story, go ahead and ask. Just be sensitive. If your friend has allowed this secret to leak, the odds are that she's cool discussing her journey. Most of us would just be thrilled that someone who isn't infertile cares. A party or baby shower is probably not the place for the story, but just tell your friend, "I heard what you and your spouse have been going through. I'd love to sit down sometime and hear your story. No pressure, but if you're ever interested in a cup of coffee, I'm all ears." If she says no, drop it. But she'll probably love to discuss it with a real, live human that is not her spouse, mom, etc. Just make a note of the above things NOT to say during the conversation. 

I know it seems like an explosive situation in which you can't win. There are far more "don'ts" than "do's". But if you're really interested in being their for your friend while she walks this journey, it's in your best interest to know what hurts and what helps. Don't give up on your friend. She has very likely shed more tears in the last weeks, months, or years than in her whole life. She wants to be a fun-loving, easy-going girl, but sometimes she needs an ear to listen and a shoulder to cry on. Be there.

My Heart: the Colander

First off, thanks for all the love from yesterday. Your texts, comments, and FB messages mean a lot. While nothing "makes it better", it is nice to know that there are people praying for you and that the IF community is literally in the trenches with you. May we all crawl out one day.

You know those things, the ones with all the holes, that you wash lettuce, or drain pasta in? That's what my heart looks like these days.

My husband says I'm too pessimistic about this whole process. I'm not. Honestly, I'm not. I'm realistic. If I come across as pessimistic, it's because realistically our chances are just that bad. 5% is not betting odds. 10%: still not betting odds. So no, I don't get all "this is it, this is it" each cycle. I did that for months. I peed on sticks like the more I used, the better my odds got. I balled my eyes out in public bathrooms and at work when I would see the first hint of red. I used to get all worked up about each cycle, believing that this was my miracle month. That's why my heart looks like a colander now. A new hole gets punched each time I watch my dreams get flushed away.

I feel like each month, I get filled up, dipped under the water: a fresh start. But I know that the odds are that this cycle will end, and not in nine months with a take home baby, but in 30ish days with tears and tampons. Just imagine lifting the colander out of the water… it all drains away. (loving the imagery today, or what?) That's pretty much what each cycle feels like. At the end, all the life just drains right out of me. I guess after all of this pain, all of the fear, all of the broken dreams, I'm trying to guard my heart. I'm not great at it. I play it off like I'm more "negative" than I am. But if I really wasn't hopeful, then I would sleep the night before test day. If I wasn't hopeful, I wouldn't anxiously wait for the phone call from the doctor's office. And if I had no hope left, I wouldn't throw myself into the pillows and sob after another "unfortunately, it was another negative".

But I do my best to keep my heart as grounded as possible. There is no reason to blow more crater sized holes in it's surface. There is no way you can try for a baby with infertility and not hurt, not feel pain, not have heart damage, so I just try to limit the carnage left behind. I try to tell myself that any "symptoms" I experience each cycle are common everyday things. Sore breasts could mean baby, but they could also mean progesterone suppositories, or period, or uncomfortable bra for crying out loud. If every time I "feel" something I allow myself to believe "this is it", I will literally be goo on the sidewalk. I will die inside so many times, I will become a shell. I know depression intimately; I've walked that road before, and let me tell you, infertility is one of the easiest ways to jump on board that train.

So no, I'm not the most glowing, radiant, "I can feel it", "this is our month" kind of person each cycle. Because history has shown me that that hurts waaayyyy too much. Is there any optimism left in me? Umm, maybe it depends on the day you catch me. Yesterday? No, no optimism left. CD 1? No, no optimism left. I guess at this point I'm trying to be brutally honest with myself. I've played the "we're just a little infertile" game with myself enough. We have about a 10% chance of getting pregnant with this last cycle of IUI; the same as the previous two. After that, we have about a 5% chance each month of pulling this off on our own. And if we make it to IUI, we have about a 60% chance each transfer of success. Would you be optimistic about any of that?

You might also wonder where my faith has gone. Don't I believe that God trumps numbers? Yes I do, and my faith is still here. Sure I feel like I'm in my very own wrestling match with God some days, but I still fully believe that He is the miracle worker. However, I also know that just because He can doesn't mean He will. I have 100% faith that God can make me pregnant any day. If He can pull off immaculate conception, then my little ol' infertility is NOTHING. But I also recognize, that pregnancy, in this season of my life, or ever, may not be the plan He has for me. Does that make Him mean? No, it makes Him God. He's not Santa Clause. So I'll keep praying. Praying that He will bless me. Praying that He will take my pain. Praying that He will heal my heart, heal my broken body. But for me, faith doesn't equal optimism. It equals peace. I'm not there yet, not by a long shot. But I'm praying that "the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard [my] heart and [my] mind in Christ Jesus" (Phil 4:7).

I'm off to wait for AF. My consolation prize this month: Dr Pepper. Hoping CD 1 is near so we can get this show on the road.

Broken

Test Results: Negative

This sucks! I don't want to hurt like this anymore.

Of course I am metaphorically broken: brokenhearted, broken in spirit, But am I also literally broken? In body? It seems like the most basic female function is to bear children. The original commands to Adam and Eve included God's wish for them to multiply. So what's the deal?

The longer this goes on, the more I start to feel inadequate not only as a mother (that's obvious), but also as a helpmate to my husband. It's hard not to wonder, if he knew from the start that I was infertile, would he still have wanted to marry me? I'm sure he would have; he's a saint. He still wanted me with all my other faults and flaws (and those are numerous). But I'm also sure that this is certainly not what he was expecting, nor what he thought he was signing up for.

I'll be honest, in my darkest moments, I sometimes wish that there was a provision in which I could give him an out under the "I can't bear you children" clause. I probably wouldn't be self sacrificing enough to let him go, even if said clause existed, but I hate feeling like a failure to our family. But regardless, that's not the way marriage was intended. Our wedding vows said "in sickness and in health", so whether or not this is what he thought when he said those words, he's stuck with me.

If the situation was reversed, would I want out under that provision? If we had MFI (Male Factor Infertility), would I want to step aside to find someone with super sperm? Absolutely not. I want Sam as my husband and the father of my children, whether that's genetic or not. But I also think (this may be my naivety) that MFI would be easier to grapple with than my current situation. Maybe this is simply because I'm the girl, maybe Sam wouldn't feel this way, but donor sperm doesn't seem that drastic. As long as I carry the child, give birth to the child, and Sam and our family is there in the hospital, it still seems like we get 100% of the experience. I would carry the child, give birth to the child. We could spend 9 months creating a bond with the baby. These days, you can literally input your husband's data and find someone so similar, no one but the two of you would ever have to know.

But if I'm broken, like broken-broken, like Humpty Dumpty broken, then all the donor sperm, eggs, and embryos in the world won't help me. It all eventually falls on me to carry the child for nine months. If I can't do that, I am pretty much broken. Our only choice might be adoption. I'm mostly okay with that. I'll admit that despite planning to adopt one day, I had really wanted to experience the miracle myself. My biggest issue with adoption right now: it seems about a decade a way at best. When would we have $30,000?

Regardless of any or all of our options, I don't want to be broken. I want to be a real, fully functional woman who can bear my husband children to carry on his name. I wish there was some female parts superglue to put all my broken pieces together.

And I don't want to feel like this anymore. I'm so sick of tears. Sick of the "hang in there"s and the "it'll happen"s. My heart is broken for what feels like the billionth time.