Life Lately

I just knew when in the depths of infertility that I would still blog if ever there was a post-infertility chapter of life. I think for many infertility bloggers, the urge to blog somehow dissolves after kids. There was this need, this burden to get it all out, to write it all down, to share when in the midst of the waiting. And then of course, there's the obvious excuse that life is just a lot more busy once kids enter the picture. I have sort of fallen captive to both scenarios.

This year has been hard. Really, really hard. One of the hardest years of my life, and for those who lived through the infertility years with me, you know that's saying something. It seems that I would have a lot to write about in such circumstances, but for whatever reason, the motivation is just difficult to find. Yes, I'm tired. Yes, I want to simply zone out and watch Gilmore Girls the moment my high-energy little buddy succumbs to sleep. However, to a large degree, the lack of blogging has more to do with a lack of words. I don't even know what to say. How much to share. I still have a desire to adopt again, and on some level I'm afraid to share something that might deter someone from approving us for the adoption process again should they find this blog, so it has been hard to know how much and what to share.

For one, this year has been filled to the brim and overflowing with anxiety. I have dealt with anxiety my whole life, on and off. Some seasons have been worse than others (I'm looking at you middle school years). I have previously experienced panic attacks and knew that anxiety could be pretty awful. I have been on and off of various medications throughout my life since I was about 11 years-old, so I've experienced that process as well. Most of my anxiety was during my preteen and teen years, but I have certainly had bouts with the beast as an adult too. Nothing, and I do mean nothing I had previously experienced prepared me for this year. Anxiety roared into my life like a mighty lion and set up camp. I quickly ran for medication realizing early on that this was not something I would be able to master on my own. Unfortunately, for the first time in my adult life, medication has barely taken the edge off. I've entered into the world of counseling again, and I'm hopeful that there is an after to this episode of intense anxiety, but so far, I'm still stuck smack dab in the middle of it.

In addition, a couple of months ago, my father passed away very unexpectedly. You won't find mention of my father much on this blog. We had a very difficult relationship and much of our past was tumultuous to say the least. However, it is never easy to lose a parent and these last months have been hard on so many different levels. As his only legal child (my brother is his step-son), I have taken on the responsibility of administering his estate. Sheesh. People, hear my plea: Get your crap together. Get a will. Get it sent through probate court. Let multiple people know where you keep copies of your will. Get life insurance. And if you give a flying-flip about what happens to your body when you die, make sure that it's written down and that people know about it. If you have some of that junk, but you haven't updated it in a while, GO UPDATE IT. And for the love of all things holy, help your parents get their junk together. Do not allow your parents to leave you a mess. Do not leave the people you love with a mess. Get your stuff in order.

Between the anxiety of, well my very special brain, and the stress of losing my dad and dealing with his estate, the last few months have just been hard. But there's a lot of really, really, good stuff too. Garrison is almost  22 months old. That's just too mind boggling to really understand at this point. It dawned on me last week that I probably need to start thinking about a birthday party in the next few weeks. But didn't we just have one? It seems particularly unreal to think of him as a two-year-old.

"I eat."

He is BURSTING at the seems with life and opinions. His language has exploded over the last couple of months, so now he has the ability to share much of this with us and it's typically just the funniest thing you've ever heard. He's EXHAUSTING at this age. I have absolutely no idea how his teachers at daycare don't simply drop at the end of the day because I'm so ready for bed the minute his head hits the mattress. I think a large part of his exhaustiveness, at least to me, is his extroverted nature. I am, and will always be, introverted to the depths of my being. I can sit calmly and quietly for long stretches of time and say nothing...I'm not unhappy or sad; I'm resting and soaking in the quiet and stillness. There is no quiet or stillness with Garrison. I assume that's mostly true with any toddler, but he seems to be particularly so. He is on the go--constant movement, constant noise--from the moment he wakes up until he simply drops. The moment he's asleep I just want to sit in the quiet and breathe. However, in the midst of all of the movement and noise, there's a whole lot of love. He's learned to give really good hugs and he gives the sweetest little kisses you've ever seen (it's not really a kiss, but more of a touching of cheeks).

"Mommm, stop taking photos for my senior yearbook already."

He continues to have big, big feelings just as he did when he was a baby. Things are either the best-thing-ever or absolutely the saddest-most-miserable-most-unacceptable-thing-ever. There is absolutely no in between. With opinions like that, you can imagine that his love and dedication to the things that he enjoys is intense. He currently loves his "bee-dee," or his word for blanket. Thus far, he's impartial to which blanket...he wants ALL the blankets. Folding laundry is a joke. He steals every single dadgum blanket out of the pile before I get a chance to hide them. He also LOVES dogs. All dogs. Big ones. Small ones. Mean ones. Old ones. He has never met a dog he didn't love and his love is shown by simply trying to smother the dog in hugs of adoration.

"Outside" is his most favorite place in the whole world.

He is still a tiny little nugget. At his most recent sick visit, he was 21 lbs 10 oz with clothes and boots on, so I'm guessing he's barely 21 pounds. He's starting to get a little picky with food. He's not a fan of many meats these days and he's starting to turn his nose up at some veggies. His favorite food is by far cheese. That's what he asks for first thing every morning. "Eat! Eat! Cheese!" Bless him. So not my biological kid. I hate cheese and he eats it by the fistful. We'll definitely be adding Pediasure back into his diet for the winter to help offset all the sick days. He's also very particular about the temperature of his food. The range of room temperature to cold is acceptable. Anything approaching lukewarm will get a loud exclamation of "hot" and a refusal to try another bite for a good five minutes. Some days I wonder why we cook food at all. He'd prefer leftovers straight out of the fridge.

All in all, I continue to be blessed beyond my wildest dreams. Even in the midst of the really hard parts, life is sweet. My boys are good to me and I'm forever thankful that I get to do this twisty-turny, broken thing called life with them.

Loving the Life I Didn't Choose

For the last five years I've had a pumpkin spice latte from Starbucks during early September. In 2011, it was the day I received my first and only positive pregnancy test and I felt so guilty for the caffeine as 1,000 what-ifs ran through my devastated mind. For the next four years I drank that latte in memory of what might have been. It was a way to pause and remember my first child who was shed from my body far too soon.

This year, I didn't do that. In fact, I barely recognized that the date had come and gone. I was playing on the beach with my son. Our vacation was glorious and deserves a whole post to itself (that I might get together by Christmas). But it was a poignant moment for me to realize that I was too busy loving the life before me to remember the life I wanted. 

I've always struggled with the idea of being thankful for hard things. Well, that's not true. It's a specific hard thing. It's death. To be thankful for death is just a hard concept for me to grasp, especially the death of a child, be they born or still in the womb. Throughout the years, I would hear people say, "I'm so thankful things worked out this way. Otherwise, I wouldn't have (fill in the blank)."  That has always been hard for me to process. To be thankful for the miscarriage or stillbirth of one child which allowed you to later have a different child. I've always clung to my theory of both. I've said I want both. I've refused to be thankful for that first miscarriage even though it eventually led me to my son. I rationalize that I would have wanted both. I would have wanted that first child (and each of the others) and I would also want my son. But if I'm honest with myself, it's very, very, very unlikely that I would have Garrison if I had given birth in May 2012 and everything had gone according to my plan. Sure, we always said we'd like to adopt. But the adoption plan was never for a blue-eyed infant from Florida four years later. 

How do you love the life you didn't chose? For a long time, that was really, really hard for me. There were years where I simply didn't like my life. Sure I was thankful that I was alive, but actually like my life? It was too easy too look around and say, "that is the life I want." I wanted the life I had planned. I couldn't see the possibility of anything good, let alone better. I've learned to love this life I didn't chose. And not in a "this is the best I can hope for," or Plan B kind of way, but in a "I couldn't have dreamed it better" kind of way.

But therein lies this tension. Garrison is mine and I am his because of "unfair" circumstances. Infertility ran over my life like a runaway train and I screamed about the unfairness through the whole journey. My son doesn't know this yet, but his circumstances were unfair too. It's weird to mourn the loss and pain while simultaneously being incredibly grateful that we're all together because of it. It's an odd thing to wish I could remove the pain and hurt that these years have caused while recognizing that without this pain and hurt, the journey would not have led us together. It's weird to think that I would have missed him if I'd gotten what I wanted all those years ago. But admitting I prefer this life, feels like saying I'm glad my first children died. You see? There's this tension. 

I have no neat bow to tie all of this up. No words of wisdom. No answer to the tension. All I can leave us with is this quote from a really fantastic book that I've been reading and rereading, trying to soak in as much as possible from a fellow infertility survivor. Melanie Dale, author of It's Not Fair writes this, "after years of telling God it's not fair, I can now say that I'm grateful for my struggle. I would never tell someone else to be grateful for theirs. We can't tell people in pain to be grateful. That would be the highest cruelty. But over time, after having raw conversations with God and acknowledging the life unfolding around me, I see the beauty of his creation. It's not fair. It's different than fair." So while I learn to live with this tension of desperately loving this life I didn't chose, while mourning the life I thought I wanted, all I can say is I'm grateful. Oh so very grateful for a God who holds this tension with me and leads my family on this journey with love and compassion, strength and security. I'm thankful for the journey and thankful for the one who journeys with me.

These Are the Best of Days

Good grief. Worst blogger of the century. Garrison is 15 16 months and with that comes so. much. trouble. I shudder to think of this kid at 15. He is a hot mess going 100 miles per hour from 7:30 a.m. until he crashes at 8:00 p.m. He has become more independent and willing to leave my side over the last few months as long as I appear to be thoroughly engrossed in whatever he is doing. The moment I try to be productive he absolutely looses it. I can sit ten feet away from him as long as I'm not doing anything, but try to fold clothes or work on my laptop and homeboy goes bonkers. I have so much work to do outside of my regular full-time job, but I can't get any of it done until he goes to bed or he literally tries to break my laptop in his efforts to remove the distraction. In light of that, blogging is just slipping further and further down the list of things to do.

With all of that said, fourteen and fifteen months have absolutely been my very favorite months. And that's actually saying a lot as month fourteen was filled to the brim with illness. Bless his poor pitiful heart, but somehow that kid had a pretty massive eczema flare, a yeast infection, a staph infection, and a double ear infection all at once. HOW DOES THAT HAPPEN? I took him in for some SERIOUS diaper rash after calling the nurses all week and trying every homemade concoction they could come up with. I obviously felt like the WORST mother in the history of the world to hear that he had all of that going on. I was so embarrassed! To add insult to injury, the very next day he came down with Hand, Foot, and Mouth Disease which he promptly shared with me five days later. Ughhhhhh. However, despite some serious illnesses all at once, this age is just so dang fun.

Picking strawberries.

Waiting for daddy to come home and fix dinner is hard,
but it gives us time to SWING!

I feel like developmentally, he has exploded within the last few months. He has a BIG personality. Garrison loves trouble. Loves it. If you call out his name (Gar-ris-sonnnn) as he's about to do something he shouldn't (eat dog food, open the trash can, eat dog food, pull on power cords, eat dog foot), he'll typically stop long enough to turn around and look at you, smile a SUPER mischievous grin, and then run ten times faster towards the object of his desire. When we get really firm with a loud "Garrison, NO!" he then instantly falls to the ground, face first, and screams and cries even kicks his legs. It's pretty dramatic. It's a toss up between which is worse...letting him get away with whatever form of trouble he's got his eye on or listening to the temper tantrum. He definitely understands the concept of no, but listening and obeying are just so dang hard right now.

He got his own chair for his birthday.
He loves to climb up by himself and "read."

Llama llama red pajama, do not holler at your mama!

His vocabulary is getting much bigger right now. He's definitely got "no," "dog," "out," "go," and "ball" mastered in English. In sign language he's got "eat," "more," and "all done." Now, the sign for "all done" is his absolute favorite. He uses it for everything. When we're a quarter of the way through getting dressed, he'll tell me he's all done. No, actually bud, you have one arm and a head through your shirt. You are definitely not all done. When I've unsnapped two snaps of his cloth diaper (and, therefore, barely started changing him), he'll tell me he's all done. At daycare, there are simply too many things to see and do to be bothered with breakfast lately. Once I plop his little butt in the chair, he'll immediately tell me he's all done while he eyes a favorite toy. An even better use of the sign is in combination with the sign for more. When he really wants to confuse the crap out of me, he'll sign all done at the dinner table. I'll ask him to confirm, which he will...and then he'll promptly follow it with the sign for more. For the love. WHICH IS IT?!?! And because Garrison is an over achiever, he's working on Spanish at the same time as English and ASL. So far he has agua down. He constantly walks around the house yelling "agua" at me. It took me a while to figure out what he meant, but eventually after he screamed it a good dozen times every time I opened the fridge, I finally put two and two together. It's highly possible that he's shouting a good many other Spanish words at me, but as neither I nor Sam speak a lick of Spanish, his poor, dumb parents are clueless.

BALL!

Garrison completed "swim lessons" a few weeks ago. I put that in quotes because the class was about half getting the babies used to the freezing cold water and half making mama work out...not the point of swim lessons at all! Basically swim lessons have given Garrison zero fear of the water as well as zero knowledge about water safety. It's a super terrifying combination. I go back and forth between loving the fact that we have a pool in our backyard and being so flipping terrified that I want to rip it out. Garrison likes the water, but he has an extremely short attention span. We can keep him in the water a little longer with the presence of pool noodles, but after about 10 minutes he's ready to go explore. We have our first family beach vacation coming up Labor Day weekend...I can already tell that this is going to be quite the adventure!

Water day at daycare

For Father's Day, Garrison got his first hair cut. I was willing to let it go for quite a while, but truth be told, it wasn't turning into the hair style I imagined. The top and front of his hair grows at a fraction of the rate as the back and sides, so he was creating quite the mullet. Sam hated the mullet, so they went together to get their hair cut. It was super sweet and Garrison did a great job. My heart only broke a little and I didn't cry, so I feel pretty great about it.

First hair cut

Picnic in the front yard with mom

In other news, Garrison remains a little peanut. He's significantly smaller than his classmates that are the same age, both in height and weight. He's also significantly smaller than his classmates that are several months younger than him...sadness. He's currently wearing size 12 months, and I foresee that he'll stay in that size throughout the summer and fall. To be honest, he might still be in 12 months through the winter too. Bless him. In an effort to help keep him on/move him up the growth chart, his pediatrician recommended we try Pediasure. Thankfully, after a few tries, he's decided he likes it, and I'm already seeing an improvement. He gained a full pound since his 15 month appointment, so hopefully this trend will continue. He already has 15 teeth and his sixteenth (bottom left cuspid/canine) is slowly working its way in. I have a feeling he'll have all 16 in before he's 17 months. After that, he'll just have the two year molars and we are D.O.N.E!

Post-dinner ball throwing session

We are thoroughly enjoying summer right now, even though it is sooooo hot. We've been in the upper 90s for weeks, but I'll take it since it means lots of sunshine in the evenings when we get home and far less sickness. I know fall will be here before we know it and on its heels will likely come colds, bronchiolitis, ear infections, and more, so we're soaking up the sun and enjoying this beautiful season of life with my little love. These are the best of days.

Pace Yourself

This post has been in the works for six months. Apparently that's how long it now takes me to think, ruminate, write, rewrite, rethink, rewrite, and edit. Blogger extraordinaire right here. For the last several months I've noticed something about myself and I've spent a few of my available moments of free brain space to think about this interesting (at least to me) thought pattern. You see, I have felt pressure, literally since the beginning of our time with Garrison to do all. the. things. There has been no "or" in my vocabulary. It's always "and." We should do this AND we should do that. We should go there AND we should go there. We need to (fill in the blank) AND we need to. Anybody else ever feel this way?

I've thought about it and thought about it and come up with a couple of ideas as to why this may be my new thought process. Firstly, there are more times than I can count where I've convinced myself that we need to X and Y "because Garrison might be our only child." Can I get an amen? It's crazy the things that I've felt pressured to do, buy, experience just because he might be our only one. Strangely enough, I don't really believe that he will be our only child. If you ask me (when I'm not freaking out about the need to do/buy/see X) I would tell you that I'm pretty confident we'll have two, maybe even three kids. However, I definitely don't know that we will have babies, so along that same vein of thought, comes "because he might be our only baby." Example number one. If you follow me on Facebook, you've likely seen that I became obsessed with photo sessions this past year. Newborn, family photos, sitting photos, standing photos, Santa photos, family photos, first birthday photos. Photo sessions with professional photographers are not cheap and this year our finances have struggled due to daycare + formula + PT and OT appointments + Garrison's surgery, and yet, I would have taken out a second mortgage to have those photos. Wise? No. But I'm terrified to look up and have missed it. He will very likely be my only newborn. There was no way in hell I was missing those insanely expensive photos. Garrison very well might be the only child that will ever learn to sit or stand or celebrate his first birthday with us and I just can't miss it.

A second idea is that I waited so long to do these things with a child, and now that I have one, it's like we must do all. the. things. RIGHT. NOW. For example, I've dreamed of taking my kid(s) to Disney World for YEARS. Like literally the greatest dream come true will be to walk my little kid(s) through the gates of the Magic Kingdom. I might just lie down on the floor and weep. I have greatly struggled with the need to take him this past year. It would have been a financial nightmare and that's about the only reason I've not gone. The fact that he wouldn't remember it, that he might sleep through half the day, that he might not be able to ride anything, and that he'd likely be scared out of his ever loving mind by all the people and characters has not deterred my desperate need for him to experience Disney. Sam has known about my love affair with Disney for years and his answer has always been "when we have kids." We've been together for almost 11 years now...that's a lot of waiting. He surprised me when we completed IVF in Jacksonville with a day trip to the Magic Kingdom because technically, we had kids (be still my heart). It was heaven, but I've still been dying to go back and see it all again. We've joked for years that because of his "rule" I'd likely try to take my six week old to Disney...well he wasn't far off. If finances hasn't stood in the way, I'd have taken that little boy to every single park. In a similar way, I need him to go to the zoo, the aquarium, go to the beach, see snow, fall in love with Harry Potter, etc and I need him to do it all NOW. It's a constant battle to remind myself that no, we do not need to fly to Colorado or drive to Kentucky to follow the snow this winter. And oh gosh Christmas. I needed to start every single Christmas tradition this year. There were a number of times that I considered giving the kid hot (mildly warm) chocolate because CHRISTMAS, you know?

And thirdly, maybe the darkest of all of the thoughts has been the discovery that I in some weird, twisted way have felt like my time with him is limited. Maybe it stems from the adoption process. The fear that any second we'd receive a call telling us to get out of the NICU and head home it was over. Or the days and nights once we were home fearing any 904 area code calls that would say bring him back to Jacksonville, his birth father is coming for him. Or maybe it stems from my gigantic, overwhelming fear of SIDS since the moment we left the hospital. Garrison was/is truthfully at a higher risk than most babies, and somehow that has manifested into this anxiety that has plagued my days and nights over these past months. I thought I would breathe much easier at six months when the risk drops significantly, and to some degree I did. I don't wake up a million times in the night to check the monitor. However, I do become paralyzed with fear, literally too afraid to even go check for fear I'l be too late, when I've slept a long stretch and he hasn't moved.

In a similar, rather depressing, Freud would have a field day train of thought, I've also noticed that for me, the monthly age recaps have felt a lot less like counting up and a lot more like counting down. One month becomes two, and two months becomes three, but in a lot of ways it feels like a slippery slide down to one year where I can't catch my breath or find a foot hold to pause for just a moment. In some ways, that count down feels like a countdown to the end. What comes after one? It's a constant struggle to remind myself that two, TWO comes after one, and there are twelve glorious months in between just like this year. That there will be plenty of time to go explore the zoo, to see Disney, to stay up past our bedtime watching movies and eating popcorn. Because he's mine. Not my borrowed son. Not my temporary son. But my real, forever and ever son. So pace yourself, Amanda, it doesn't all have to happen now, this year, or before he turns one. You've got a lifetime to fill to the brim with love and happiness.

That's where this blog post was meant to end, and then tragedy struck and all my thoughts about forever and ever were questioned. In November a precious mama that I went to high school with found out that her two year old has cancer. Ughhh. And not just any cancer but super rare, super aggressive, terrifying cancer. And then just weeks later, a fellow infertility mama lost. her. son. 13 months. You guys. I was a hot mess of terror. She did an IUI the same month I did IVF and delivered her son within days of my IVF due date. She had all of the milestones that I would have had if our IVF cycle had not ended in miscarriage. After those two events, I just couldn't post this. Because tomorrow isn't promised. Sometimes "a lifetime" isn't all that long. And I was terrified all over again. Any insight or comfort this cathartic use of writing had brought was quickly eliminated by the ugly truth that our days with our children are not promised to us.

I've spent time since then as the clock slowly ticks closer and closer to his first birthday thinking about how to process these heavy emotions and thoughts in light of the truth that my days, Sam's days, and Garrison's days are numbered and we will never know what that number is until our days are done. I still believe the encouragement to pace myself is important. We don't have to do it all, or see it all right now. But I think it's also a fair reminder to remember that these days are precious whether we have just one more, or twenty thousand more. So we should enjoy them. Love them. And live them well.

Eleven til One

You guys, I may spend the next few weeks curled up in the fetal position. Eleven months. ELEVEN months. ELEVEN MONTHS. Be still my heart. I just can't.

Nicknames: Bupsie, Bubs, Nugs, Love Nug, Goobs, Goobie, Goobie Booty, Noodle

Beautiful little Goobie.

Stats: Once again I have really inaccurate stats and for that reason I'm not going to FREAK THE HELL out about the numbers. 18 lbs and 27 inches. For. The. Love. We're incrementally climbing the weight chart and rolling down the height chart like a runaway snowball. But, it's not worth worrying about until I get into the pediatrician for his one year next appointment. He still wears 6-9 or 9 months clothes and size 3 diapers when he's not wearing cloth. And, we may stay here until he's two. But that's cool. I'm getting my money's worth.

Post bath naked time.

This child has nine teeth. NINE. He has the top four, bottom three, and then both of the first bottom molars have come through. He's taking it like a champ because he has seriously been teething nonstop since 7 months. Bless his heart. And bless mama's too because the kid BITES. I'm terrified that my kid is going to be THAT kid at school. I already hear his teachers saying, "Gentle, Garrison" all the time. Ackkk.

Sharpening his toothies on Sophie action while he waits on
his pancakes at Cracker Barrel

Eating: I pretty much let him eat whatever he wants at this point. Baby Led Weaning has produced an excellent eater. Far better than his mama. I think his favorite foods are probably beans, mashed potatoes, and blueberries. All foods I could really do without. Bless him. The only foods he hasn't really had yet our peanuts/peanut butter, grapes, and egg whites. Oh and cake. He hasn't had cake. But he's about to have lots of cake. Sigh.

Pulled pork and baked beans. Yum.

He's doing really well with straw sippy cups. I think he prefers not to have to tip his head back. He's a busy little body and would prefer not to have to rest/chill and lounge with his cup/bottle. So pretty much the exact opposite of his mama. But I'm really proud of him. All of these things that people said he might struggle with due to his preemie status, low birth weight status, or early struggles have just turned into non issues. He's rocking growing up into a (teeny tiny) big boy.

Daddy trying to encourage him to walk sans walker/shopping cart/wagon.

Sleeping: The sleep situation remains wonderful. He's still getting 11.5-12.5 hours each night. Our trip down to Florida sort of through him out of whack for a few days, but otherwise, he's been awesome. Thank you, Jesus.

Sleepy snuggles in the morning are my favorite.

Likes: He likes mom. A lot. Like more than a lot. Like mom is the only human in the world worth acknowledging most days. I can sit like a bump on a log and I'm just the greatest thing ever. Sam has to perform like a circus act to garner that kind of attention. Bless him. Daycare and the nursery volunteers at church have mentioned that he's starting to notice (and become upset) when other moms come to pick up their kids. Poor buddy, Unfortunately for him, I'm typically the last or second to last to get him at daycare and he's stuck in the nursery for two services on Sunday so he sees all the mamas come and go. The past month has been pretty hard on my mom heart. I'm feeling more guilty about leaving him, working, etc. He's so little and all he wants in life is his mama. It doesn't seem like too much to ask for. I keep reminding myself that I'm a better mom to him in the time we have together for my time away. If I was his jungle gym all day, I'd be exasperated. This is good for me. And him. That's my mantra.

Just chillin' in the wagon in the middle of the living room.

Garrison also likes whatever I've told him "no, no" about. Dog bowls...A-mazing. Cat litter...Best. Thing. Ever. Trash can...freaking awesome. Sterling...so great. Everest...best toy. I've almost decided to just let him go. Sure buddy, eat the dog food, flip the water bowl, beat on that 85 pound beast, pull the cats tail, but then I get to the cat litter. Nope. Just no. Gross. I can't. We will continue to say "no, no" and redirect a million and a half more times (this week).

Come'ere Sterling

Dislikes: Garrison continues to dislike being away from mom. I truly do think he's fine once I'm gone. It's the whole me leaving/someone taking him from me that sends him into a fit. Oh, and the reminder that I'm not there by the fact that other moms have come back for their little ones (thanks a bunch, moms).

Garrison continues to hate diaper changes. HATES them. And unfortunately, I'm struggling with cloth diapers for the first time in my wash routine, so I'm not loving diapers these days either. I'd potty train him today if I could.

Riding in his big boy car seat.

Looking forward to: Plans for his first birthday are going well. I'm probably about 1/2 of the way through with decorations and planning. It's going to be a good day. I may just not wear any mascara that day.

These eleven months have been the greatest months of my life. Hardest? Maybe. There were certainly some really, really hard days. But all of the days have been filled to the absolute brim with redemption. The Lord is redeeming my lost years one day at a time. I'd walk through those four years of trying to conceive and infertility a thousand times to have this little love. The love in my heart for that little boy. Gahhhh. I could just squeeze him all day long. He's my greatest adventure and the love of my heart. 

Seventh Heaven

The months just keep passing, no matter what I do. Somehow, my itty, bitty baby went and turned 7 months old. For a thousand reasons I want to freeze time and never let him grow one minute older. This is such a sweet age. We're starting to really see his personality and it absolutely melts my heart. I wish he could just stay exactly like this forever. But then there are a million things that I'm looking forward to...watching his first movie together, reading a book together before bed that he actually acknowledges rather than trying to slobber on the pages, introducing him to Harry Potter, taking him to Disney World...there's just so many things I can't wait to do. The fact that the days speed by faster than ever is slightly less depressing when I think about all of the amazing things he will experience in the coming years.

Nicknames: Bupsie, Bubba, Bubs...we're narrowing it down to a theme here.

Really excited about these monthly pictures now.

Stats: I don't have official numbers this month, but he came in at 15 lbs 3 oz and 25.5 inches long at home…so a little less than a pound and about a half inch of growth in a month. Nothing earth shattering here. Still hanging out around the 5th percentile. He is still in size 2 when he wears disposable diapers and he's still in size 3-6 month clothes. I expect we'll be here for a while.

I'd really like to eat that phone!

Eating: Honestly, I wouldn't be surprised if he'd lost weight the way he's been eating. He's been teething since Labor Day. He now officially has two teeth, but man, getting those suckers out was basically a food strike. He was NOT interested in the bottle.

Don't worry about me, mom! Look at my rolls.

We finally started solids. We're trying to go with the baby led weaning approach, but I currently feel like a mega failure in terms of solids. My pediatrician about lost her mind when I said I hadn't started solids at his 6 month appointment...she thought we were very behind. While I know BLW takes a different stance on timing, I am worried that he's behind. I know he would do better and improve faster if he had more practice, but currently we're doing really good to get one meal a day in with solids. I have about an hour, maybe an hour and a half if he naps poorly with him awake in the evenings during the week. Somehow I'm supposed to do physical therapy, eat dinner as a family, give him a bath, read a book, and give him a bottle all within that period of time...it doesn't give a lot of time for him to just play with his food. But he'll get there. I'm going to ask daycare if they can start doing a feeding at school. Thus far he's had banana and avocado in terms of BLW. He definitely prefers avocado (little weirdo). Oddly, he's much better at feeding himself with a spoon right now than finger foods. I load the spoon and hand it to him. He gets it to his mouth right side up more than 75% of the time. So far he's tried oatmeal, sweet potatoes, and apples. We're going to try cucumbers and sweet potato sticks next.

Doubling up on those spoons!

Sleeping: Garrison continues to nap terribly to the point I wonder if it's even worth sticking to the schedule and fighting for naps. Some days, I'm so desperate for him to nap that I just hold him the entire time. This is the only way we come close to 45 minutes or longer. Otherwise it's typically 15-30 before he pops his head up like a little gopher. I can't complain too much though because Garrison continues to sleep well at night. There's typically a night or two each week where he wakes up between 4 and 6 o'clock in the morning...those days are obviously not my favorite. All in all though, I'm so thankful for a baby that sleeps through the night.

A brief visit to daycare during lunch. We decided to practice sitting. 

Likes: Garrison still enjoys bath time, so I think we'll need to find some bath toys soon. He gets super frustrated that I won't let him sit up in the bath, but my little guy continues to be a terrible sitter and the bath does NOT feel like the place to practice.

Give me a kiss ma'! Ooo, and give me some of your HAIR!

All in all, Garrison likes things that he can put in his mouth (mom's hair, cat hair off the floor, spoons, really anything is fair game) and toys that make noise. If it lights up AND makes noise, his little mind is blown and he can't stop smiling...for approximately five minutes until he wonders where his mom is and why she's not sitting RIGHT beside him.

Exhausted and full after his first tailgate.

Dislikes: I think Garrison mostly doesn't like to be tired...that's really when I feel like he's most cranky. Which to that I say, "take a FREAKING nap!" This kid just doesn't know how good he's got it. Imagine getting time painstakingly carved out of your day for you so that you can nap not once, not twice, not THREE times. At no other time in your life does someone so carefully help and encourage napping. He's going to regret skipping all of these naps one day.

Garrison at his first Georgia game.
He was a teeny bit more excited than pictured.

Looking forward to: It's almost October, my very favorite month of the year. We have a LOT to pack into this month. I have plans for a mini session of family photos, taking Garrison to a corn maze, getting his picture taken in front of a million pumpkins (because obviously), dressing him up in his ADORABLE Halloween costume, and celebrating our birthdays. It should be a really great month.

I continue to be simply amazed that this little love is mine forever and ever and ever. The pain and sadness are beginning to pale in the presence of such radiating happiness. He is the best thing about my day and I know that we are so fortunate to call this beautiful boy our son! Seven of the absolute best months!

Working Mom and Daycare

I've been back to work now for four months. Garrison has completed eighteen weeks at daycare. I think that's long enough to have valid thoughts and opinions on being a working mom with a baby in daycare, so I thought I'd share. This is in NO WAY an argument for staying home or going back to work. That's a personal decision for each mom to make and there are so many factors at play in every situation. Instead, I share this for those who might dread returning to work, but feel that they must.

For the last decade or more, I imagined myself as a stay at home mom. Which totally makes sense...I was going to knock out five kids before I was 29. I wasn't going to have time for work, let alone a career. Even in college, I consciously chose a degree that I felt would allow me to work from home. The reality is that we simply don't have the money for me to quit, especially if we want more children. I don't make a ton of money, but we're also not at that place where the cost of childcare outweighs my bring home salary either. Until we reach that place, or we pay off student loans, I'll likely be working. 

There are a lot of things that are really hard about being a working mom (not that there aren't hard things about staying at home), but surprisingly I've found some things to be really thankful for too. The negative aspects of working are difficult to come to terms with. Obviously I waited a really long time to be a mom. It sucks to leave him in someone else's care all day. It's especially hard when I think about the fact that the daycare teachers get 90% of his awake hours. Garrison sleeps until 7:30 in the morning. In the afternoon he comes home and promptly takes a forty-five minute nap from sheer exhaustion. The plan is that he'd stay up until 8:00 pm, but currently we're lucky if he makes it until 7:30 pm. It's just not a lot of time with him.

It reaaalllly sucks when I think about milestones. Miraculously, Garrison rolled over for the first time over the Fourth of July weekend, so Sam and I both got to witness it. I'm not sure if I'd call it lucky, but his first tooth started to come through over this past weekend. While it wasn't exactly fun, I'm glad I was the first too see his little tooth and I'm thankful I was there to comfort him. However, the odds are that some milestones will occur at daycare. When I think about him taking his first steps there rather than towards me, I just want to cry. Or if his teachers hear his first words??? Missing out on the days with him and knowing I'll probably miss a few "firsts" are definitely really hard parts about working.

In addition, it's hard to deal with the differences between daycare and home. While we did not start with any type of schedule at birth, by about 8 weeks, I started introducing a schedule. I truly believe this was the number one thing to help with all of the fussiness. Garrison does SO well on the schedule. He's easier to feed and get to sleep when he's on his schedule. But when there are seven other babies in the room, it's hard to expect them to stick to the schedule exactly. And while Garrison will nap decently at home in the most perfect napping conditions, there is just too much stimulation at daycare. Thirty minute naps have become the norm. It's SO frustrating because I know that he can nap longer, and I know that if he got good naps in the day, he'd be more likely to stay up a little longer at night. But I also know that he's not a good napper…the conditions have to be just right and a lit room with music and crying babies is not optimal for napping. All the sleep training books talk about various things to help your baby, but they all work on the assumption that you are able to let baby nap in his/her crib and control lights, sounds ect. I've had to come to terms with the fact that I am simply not in control at daycare. They have his schedule and do what they can to keep it, but some days are just going to suck under those conditions. That's really hard when I just want a happy (and awake) baby in the limited hours I have with him.

The hard parts of working probably aren't that surprising. I didn't expect the good parts though. For one thing, I really believe Garrison is hitting his milestones when he is because of daycare. If I was home with him, I would feel so much pressure to keep the house up, fold the clothes, do the dishes, etc. There would be stretches of time where I'd leave him to play by himself out of a sense of duty to my home and husband. While there are certainly times when he is playing by himself at daycare, those times feel more engaging. There are SO many things to look at and play with, and his teachers are constantly talking to the babies. It just feels very developmentally friendly to me.

The other positive that I see about daycare is social experiences. Garrison is constantly around other babies and other adults. As someone who was incredibly shy and hated any type of group experience as a kid, I'm hopeful that these early experiences during his formative years will help him learn to make friends. While I am PRO introverts (woo hoo, introverts unite...via text message, over a cup of coffee in the privacy of our own homes), I also really hope that he'll be comfortable in social situations whether he is introverted or extroverted, and I think a lot of that comfort just comes from socialization at a young age.

And lastly, immune system. Man, I would have SWORN that sending my formula-fed preemie into daycare was going to mean ongoing sickness. I was told to expect about one illness a month. I desperately clung to my days off from work, terrified that he'd constantly be sick. Within the first four days of starting daycare, Garrison got sick. Projectile vomiting. Explosive diarrhea. The whole deal. Sam and I could just see the writing on the wall. Believe it or not, that was the last time Garrison has been sick. May 7 was the last pediatric appointment for something other than his monthly checkups. We are shocked, but so, so thankful that his immune system is getting stronger. Once upon a time we had to do a three-minute scrub just to enter the same room as Garrison, and now he shares toys and equipment with seven other babies...I'm pretty sure they share a few germs too.

Lastly,  I am surprised to find that work to be a positive experience for me. My nature would be to stay home if I was a stay at home mom...as in all the time. It would be very unusual for me to venture out for more than errands. I wouldn't sign up for clubs or groups and set up play dates with other moms. I also wouldn't enroll my son in music class for toddlers of baby gymnastics as those things all cost money and I'd feel a strong desire to save every penny if I was staying at home. Knowing myself, it would be hard for me to be anything but a hermit if I stayed home with Garrison. And yet, I would crave some adult interaction. Working provides that for me...a reason to get dressed in something other than pajama pants and my husband's t-shirt, a reason to put on makeup and do my hair, an opportunity to get out of the house guilt free, and an opportunity to engage in conversation with someone who isn't six months old. Working is good for me. While I certainly miss my baby, I feel like I'm a healthier and happier mom for going back to work.

I truly enjoy my job, which I'm sure helps, but I'm honestly surprised that overall, I'm happy with out current arrangement. I do think that as the years go on, I will likely want to find some other arrangement. My mom quit her job after my seventh grade year and was available to pick me up from school or meet me at the bus stop for those years and it was SO important to me. It was a huge sacrifice on her part, but one that truly changed my life. I would really like to be able to take Garrison into school and pick him up each day once he starts school rather than enroll him in some form of after school program. Working part time seems like an ideal situation for me...all of the benefits and very few of the negative aspects of being a working mom. For now, we're comfortable and happy with our situation, but a girl can dream.

Six of One, Half a Dozen Another

This one is hard you guys. There's something about six months that feels more important, even epic. I guess it's the half of a year thing. I had a friend growing up who LOVED her half birthday. I don't really remember thinking of myself as 14 and a half, but gosh, she sure loved April 8. I still think about her every year on her half birthday. Tuesday was Garrison's half birthday and I felt like I could just lay in bed all day long and cry and hold him, except he's 6 months old and he doesn't want to lay in bed all day with his mama, which of course made me want to cry more. But whatever, six months has arrived. Let's face the music.

Nicknames: Bupsie, Goobsie, Little Butt, Bubba, Fussy Butt.

Heyyyyy mom.

Stats: 14 lbs 6 oz and 25 inches long…he basically grew exactly 1 inch and gained 1 pound in a month. I had a momentary panic attack as this growth rate is less than half of what it was a month ago, but I guess this is pretty typical??? Once I actually plotted the numbers on the chart I saw that he's between the 2nd and 5th percentile lines for both height and weight…basically where he was last month too. So while it wasn't a large growth month, he's not falling off the chart. Counting our blessings. He moved into size 2 disposable diapers last weekend and he's still in size 3-6 month clothes.

Eating: I thought I was going to write the exact same dadgum thing as last month and the month before, but I think he's hit a bit a of a growth spurt, or at least he seems a bit hungrier. He's eating 5 oz for most of his bottles. I know, I know...epic news. Up from 4.5 oz. He really keeps me on my toes.

We haven't started solids yet. My plan was to start at six months, but everything I read says that to start solids they really need to be able to sit up. This is super important with baby led weaning which is our goal. He sits TERRIBLY in my lap. He either slouches forward and drops his head, or he digs his heels in until he propels himself into a semi standing position. He does a bit better in the high chair, but sill won't really hold his head up unless something with flashing lights and sounds attracts him. I'm going to talk to the pediatrician about it at his appointment and see if she thinks it's safe to start.

Sleeping: There was a terrible week right after 5 months where I swore I broke him. He started waking up every night at 2 or 3 am, but he wasn't hungry. I was terrified that I had ruined all of the hard work we'd put it in to get him to sleep through the night. And then suddenly, he just stopped waking up again. I have no idea what that was about, but I've come to understand that middle of the night awakenings will probably happen periodically. This doesn't mean that he forgot how to sleep and he'll likely snap back into the groove again soon. Thankfully, he's still a great night time sleeper. He's a TERRIBLE napper. As in, daycare recorded an all new low. He actually had a documented FIVE MINUTE nap. Yeah. Terrible napper. I've recently changed his schedule in an effort to consolidate the naps (from four to three). I'm praying this helps, but ultimately, I can't complain. As long as mama gets to sleep at night, all is right with the world.

Sometimes we cheat and let him sleep on his mama,
just so we can get through one sleep cycle.

Likes: Garrison still loves bath time. He enjoys splashing and he loves when I drip water on him. I've just started letting him play with a few toys in the bath…it's not much different from outside of the bath. All toys go straight to the mouth.

Garrison has a new toy that he LOVES. While it makes me want to bash my head in ("beep, beep…puppy wants to go for a ri-ide." ughhhhh) it's actually proving to be a pretty great toy. It's super engaging and the best part is that he's intrigued enough to hold his stinking head up.

Beep, beep!

Garrison still loves his exersaucer, but I rarely let him get in it. His toes still don't touch on the lowest setting, so we're trying to follow the PT's rules. Every now and then I let him play for 10 minutes though and he LOVES it. 

His favorite spinning toy.

Dislikes: Speaking of PT, I think that would be Garrison's most hated thing at the moment. Or at least he hates being forced to exercise. Bless it. Me too, buddy. We started out seeing a PT and OT for assessments…just to make sure he was staying on track developmentally. As he's a preemie, everyone expects him to be a bit behind, but it's important that he eventually catch up, so these appointments help his pediatrician gauge how he's doing. However, at his three month PT appointment, the physical therapist wanted to see him in a month to reevaluate. Then at his four month appointment she still felt a follow-up appointment was important. Then at his five month, it all hit the fan and she decided he needs weekly appointments. Plus the occupational therapist got pulled into things and we now see her every two weeks. So weekly PT appointments plus OT appointments every other week plus all the exercises that we're supposed to do multiple times a day…it's a lot. I'm trying not to stress. It's hard though. I get precious few minutes with Garrison where we're not supposed to be doing something…eating, changing diapers, napping, bathing, bed time routine. It all eats up the few daytime hours I have with him, so I hate to spend the minutes I do have making him exercise, especially when he's mad and screaming about it. Ultimately, I know it's for the best though, and I'm pretty excited for the prospect that he'll eventually stop being so dang lazy and hold his head up. Mama's got big plans.

So. Much. Tummy. Time.

Looking forward to: You guys, it's almost fall. Around here that means FOOTBALL. Garrison isn't allowed to watch TV, so this should be an interesting football season. I'm pretty pumped to dress him in cute Georgia clothes though. I'm also super excited about picture day at his daycare, the potential to go to a fall festival/corn maze/pumpkin patch because what else do you do in the fall with your little family?!?! Also, halloween!!! Halloween is my least favorite holiday times a million, BUT if I get to dress my baby up in some adorable outfit, I'm allllll over it. And don't even get me started about Christmas. I'm so excited I could die. I've spent the last three nights trying to pick out Garrison's stocking and I'm having major commitment issues, but regardless, I'm picking out a stocking for my SON! It's a giant dream come true, if a silly, simple one. I'm truly living the dream…so much to look forward to!

One decent shot out of 50…
these are getting more and more interesting.

It's both amazing and terrifying that six months have already passed. When I think about the likelihood that the next six months will pass equally as fast I want to cry. And hide under the covers. And quit my job. And freeze time. But I'm trying to trust that it continues to get better and better. We're so, so blessed to have Garrison in our lives. The Lord is redeeming our story one day with this little love at a time. Happy six months, baby boy. Mama loves you!

Be still my heart.

High Five

It's AMAZING how much can change in the life of a baby in just one month. One week really. In a minute a baby can go from being unable to do something, to mastering that same something. It's just so amazing to watch. Another month has come and gone, and my little guy hit FIVE months on Saturday. Can you believe that? Me neither.

Garrison at 5 months… already too cool for pictures with mom

Name: Garrison Carter GREAVU- emphasis on the Greavu. The day before Garrison turned five months, we finalized the adoption and received the court order granting him his new name! (if you missed it, catch up here)

Our only photo from finalization. My hair was cute and straight and then
I stepped out of the hotel and into 336,518% humidity. Why Florida, why?
Garrison slept through the whole thing, so this is as good as it gets…
he was actually exceptionally adorable.

Nicknames: Bupsie, Goobsie, Little Butt, Bubba, Fussy Butt. His dad calls him Chunky Butt and Chunk-a-lunk too. 

One of our favorite onesies…Gryffindorable.
Obviously, he's in the Gryffindor house.

Stats: 13 lbs 6 oz and 24 inches long. You guys, he GREW! When I heard the nurse say 24 inches I almost died. He went from half an inch in a month to an inch and a half in a month! Yay growth spurt! He's about the 2nd percentile for height and 5th percentile for weight, so still extra petite, but we're going in the right direction, rocking our own little curve. We just switched out his clothes last weekend, so he's in 3-6 month now. Still size one disposable diapers.

Heeeeyyyy mom

Eating: This is starting to feel redundant. He still eats every three hours, and he still eats about 4-4.5 ounces at every feeding. Some days he'll eat well, and some days he won't. He's eaten 5 oz like two or three times ever, but for the most part we feel good to get 4.5 in him. 

Mom, just be thankful we're not on the tight snaps.

Sleeping: Talk about changes! Hallelujah! So last month we finally got the crib. We put him in it, and he lost his ever loving mind! Absolute hysteria. He got himself so worked up, that he flipped himself over. This of course happened while Sam was on night duty. I woke up to check the monitor only to see him swaddled, FACE DOWN, in the crib. Heart attack. I knew he wasn't dead because he was moving, but ughh just so scary. We had to lose the swaddle and fast. This was the first time he had rolled from back to stomach, but he wasn't rolling from stomach to back yet, and the swaddle would only make it that much more unlikely he'd get back over if he flipped again. Sam and I took turns sleeping in the nursery that week to make sure it didn't happen again. We were swaddling with one arm out in the halo. They were rough nights. We were exhausted. And then, suddenly he slept through the night on night five. Night six and seven were bad again, but night 8 started a string of good nights. We were letting him fuss for ten minutes before going to check on him (longest 10 minutes EVER) and slowly, we just stopped needing to get up. If he woke up, he put himself back to sleep within a couple of minutes. Now, he rarely even cries at all. High five, little man! We put him down at 7:45, do a dream feed at 9:30, and he typically sleeps until 6:30 without a peep. Getting to 7:00 can sometimes be hard, but overall it's SO much better. 

He sleeps on his tummy, which I hate. I swore he'd sleep on his back until at least 6 months. The problem is that at 4 months and 8 days, he mastered rolling. He went from never rolling (except the one terrifying nighttime fluke) to rolling stomach to back and back to stomach in one day. After that, he rolled over every single night. I worried for a while, but thank God for video monitors. I can't see him breathe, but I can see that he's moved. Garrison is a wiggle worm. He fully utilizes all of the space in his crib. 

Garrison's migration around the crib each night.

Likes: Garrison LOVES bath time, but sadly he's more interested in bathing in the big boy bathtub (i.e. the infant bathtub, without a sling) now then snuggling with his mom in the tub. Kind of breaks this mama's heart because bath time was our only skin to skin time…we didn't get to do skin to skin in the hospital and he pretty much always hated it when we tried it. Except in the bath. I knew we would eventually lose this, but I wasn't quite ready. I still try it once a week or so, but he's much happier, smilier, gigglier when he gets to kick and squeal rather than snuggle with me.

Garrison LOVES rolling over. The only problem is that he rolls and rolls and rolls and rolls… he now rolls off the mat in about two seconds. He regularly rolls so many times that he spews, even if it's been over an hour since he ate. It's really fun. It's also kind of problematic because he now spends zero time on his tummy. He just rolls. We see a physical therapist for quarterly checkups. She has given us some exercises because Garrison is a little behind on head control and a little weak in his back muscles. Sometimes he looks like he has great head control, but most of the time, he drops his head and his chin rests on his chest. I was hoping these exercises would help, but I'm not seeing a huge improvement. I'm foreseeing some real PT appointments in our future soon. All because little over achiever wanted to roll before he learned to hold his head up.

I wanted to get the little man a gift when we finalized the adoption. Sam wouldn't let me haul it all the way to Florida, but we set it up when we got home. We got our physical therapist to sign off on an exercauser as long as he doesn't spend more than 30 minutes a day in it. Unfortunately the other rule is that he has to be able to stand flat footed… he's a good two inches from his tip toes touching. But I let him play in it for about five minutes because what good is a present that you can't enjoy?!? He LOVED it! I can't wait for him to get a little taller so he can enjoy his toy.

Mom, this is SO fun. I want to stay!

Dislikes: Garrison really dislikes the sun. He HATES when the sun comes through the back window of our Camry…mega scream. He also HATES red lights. Traveling in the car for longer than 15 minutes is definitely not his favorite, but when we stop? Oh.My.Gosh. SUPER serious drama. So you can imagine how our return from Jacksonville went. A car ride far outside of his 15 minute max, with bright sun, and lots of red lights. My ears are still bleeding.

Overall though, Garrison continues to become less fussy. He's definitely particular, and he lets you know if he feels unhappy about it. The fun thing is that he also lets you know if he really likes something too. The dislikes are easier to take when matched with BIG likes.

Looking forward to: Can life get any better than this? Seriously, I'm so freaking happy right now, it's disgusting. Who is this person!?!? He is everything I ever wanted and more and my heart just might explode from all the joy he brings. 

The more of these we string together, the more my heart just aches.
You don't notice the changes day by day, but five months worth?!?!

These last five months have been some of the happiest days of my life. They are hard; there's no doubt about that. And busy, oh my gosh, so busy. But I'm just so thankful. Garrison is the light of my life and the greatest gift. Every day is better with him in it.