In April 2011, I completed my final pack of birth control pills. I was ready and Sam had halfheartedly agreed that we could start trying for a baby (because his other option was likely that I'd start flushing the pills and stabbing holes in condoms...God bless the old me). He had just completed his first year of his three year doctoral program and we had celebrated our first anniversary. May 2011 would be our first month of possibility. You know how the story goes.
It's October 2018 now, a full seven and a half years later. The clock is stopping now. Have mercy, but there are a lot of weird, hard, mixed up feelings in this decision, but I'm sharing it because every other part of this journey has been open, honest, and vulnerable. It feels like this part probably should be too. I'm starting birth control again.
If you would have asked me even two years ago about birth control, I would have chuckled and offered some quip like "no need. I am my own birth control." And when you look at my track record, it seems all but certain. Even with IVF, I was given chances below 10%. So what are my chances of a regular, non-medicated cycle without timed intercourse? 1%? Less than 1%? The odds have always seemed so low. So very, very low.
I told myself years ago that I was done dictating my cycles. They could come or go as they wanted and I would just live life. If I had a 24 day cycle, so be it. If I had a 48 day cycle, I'd save some money on tampons. That was about my level of interest. And so with time, my dedication to even track my cycles fell to the wayside. I barely remember to even note when a cycle starts now.
I told God that I was done trying, asking, praying. I would just trust him. If he wanted a miracle, bring it. If he didn't, I was content with the miracles he has already allowed me to witness.
But things have changed. I no longer feel the same open arms feeling of surrender. Instead I feel an itchy, anxious fear that keeps me up at night and makes me second guess intimacy with my husband. And I don't want to live that way.
The reality is that our life is FULL with two kids...full in ways that are hard to explain. The boys are 16 months apart, basically as if I had gotten pregnant when Garrison was 6 months old. I know that as they grow up, the close proximity of their ages will likely be a blessing, but right now, we're in the thick of it. Two kids in full time daycare, medical bills out the wazoo, therapy appointments... it's just a lot.
And the truth is that I no longer want a biological child. That is CRAZY hard to admit as we have four embryos on ice in Florida right this very moment, but hiding behind my feelings won't change a thing. My kids have some hard, complex days ahead as they will begin to grasp and grapple with their adoption, their permanence in our family, their first families, and their relationship and role within our family. While I know a lot of blended families of biological and adopted children, it just doesn't feel like the right thing for our family at this moment. We will finish out our infertility treatments by seeing it through with the final four embryos from my IVF cycle in 2014, but after that, we're done. I have zero wish to ever crawl back on that crazy roller coaster. See you, bye.
Additionally, I think there's a solid chance that there is another kiddo for our family, but when I think about it, when I allow my heart to unwind and my mind to imagine, I feel deep within my soul that a future Greavu would join our family though international adoption, likely China. China changed some of their rules in the summer of 2017. One of the regulations now states that the youngest child in the home must be three years old (or older) before you can submit your dossier. We cross that line next June with Joel, and then the possibilities are wide open for us. But if I were to get pregnant, we'd be at least four years from bringing home another child from China. And I'll be honest, I'm not sure I could bribe Sam to go for four kids, and I'm not sure I'm the right mom for four. It feels like an either/or decision, and right now, my heart doesn't break for the possibility of a maybe baby with thick brown hair and green eyes, but it SHATTERS over the orphan on the other side of the world.
It felt reckless, even dangerous to have unprotected sex while we were in process with Joel. If we had gotten pregnant, we would have been obligated to report it to our agency, which would have very likely cost us our adoption of Joel. SCARY STUFF. My opinion might be different if the rules had never changed, if you could adopt while pregnant, or with infants in the home, but three years? Gosh, that's a long time. It feels like the nail in the coffin...and when those are the words that come to mind when I think about a surprise pregnancy, I know that my head and heart just aren't in it.
Am I 100% sure about this decision? Gosh no. Enneagram 6's rarely ever get the luxury of being 100% confident in any decision. We just learn to live and lean into the uncertainty. I turn 33 this month. The years are speeding by faster than ever. I'll receive the "advanced maternal age" tag in just two short years if I ever try to conceive again. I know that this decision may mean I'm eliminating my chances. And yes that's a little hard to wrap my mind around. Probably a little less hard knowing my chances are basically nill to start with though. It was going to take a miracle at 26. It'll still take a miracle at 35. I'm taking comfort in knowing that this isn't an irreversible procedure. It's a pill. I take it or I don't. If things change next month or six months from now, I can stop the pill and I'll be right back where I am...ridiculously infertile and unlikely to conceive.
But what about trusting God with our family? Didn't I say that? Gosh guys, I don't know. A lot of healing has happened over the last four years in my head and my heart and my relationship with God, but there's still a lot of doubt and fear when I think about God, particularly in relation to growing my family or fertility stuff. It's not good and it's not true and when the lies creep into my mind, I'm trying to push it back with the truth of who God is. But the reality is, sometimes I almost think it's more likely that God would heal my body, uterus, eggs, and whatever else is wrong in there now that I don't want a baby. Like I said, wonky, hard, messed up feelings still lurk at the bottom or it all. There's no magic wand to wave to unthink the lies you believe about yourself or God. I've been wrestling with a good bit of guilt about this decision, as if choosing to go on birth control means that I don't trust God. Maybe it does and maybe it doesn't, but I've finally come to place of semi-peace about the decision. If I was a normal, fertile woman with working ovaries and junk, and we didn't want to get pregnant, we'd pursue this option. Just because it is so much less likely for us doesn't seem like a valid reason to role the dice over and over again if it's not the outcome we're hoping for.
It was a good run. 7.5 years of not hearing the ding of my phone to remind me to stop and swallow a pill. I'll miss that. And I'm not looking forward to regular cycles. Ughhhh. Far too often. But I am looking forward to a little peace and the opportunity it brings for the future.
Showing posts with label Family. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Family. Show all posts
Wednesday, October 10, 2018
Monday, September 10, 2018
China: Part III
We arrived in Guangzhou on Friday, March 2. The flight from Kunming was borderline hellacious. Joel was terrified...understandably so. To him, these crazy people who he just met four days before were abducting him and putting him in a giant metal tube that went up in the air and did scary, shaky things. He cried and screamed for a large portion of the flight. It was definitely a loooooong flight for being our shortest of the six.
As we were leaving Kunming, I was pretty overwhelmed with emotion. We were taking our boy away from the only city he had ever known. Granted, Gaungzhou is still in China, but I knew that these cities were likely very, very different. Even the language was likely different as Mandarin is the primary spoken language in Yunnan (the province where Joel was born and lived), but in Guangdong, the majority of people speak Cantonese. It hit me just how little choice our little guy had in all of this. Everyone around him was making these choices, hopefully with his best interest in mind, but he was slowly but surely, one day and one flight at a time leaving everything he knew and understood.
We arrived in Guangzhou and exited the plane to a wall of humidity. I live in Georgia, so I'm no stranger to heat and humidity, but whoa. This was unreal. It was the first time I understood what people from dryer climates experience in Georgia...the change was dramatic. I instantly felt hot and heavy. Good thing I had 23 pounds strapped to me and we had four backpacks and four suitcases to carry through the airport. We met our guide, Simon, who graciously took our overabundance of luggage in stride and helped us load into a van for a ride to our hotel. I was DESPERATE to get out of that van and into the hotel and just be done for the day, but thanks to the traffic of Guangzhou, it was a fairly long ride.
We walked into our hotel to jaw-dropping beauty, and a smell I'll never forget. The smells in China are something I can't quite describe. For someone with a very sensitive nose, it was kind of an overwhelming experience. Having experienced less desirable smells on many occasions thus far, I totally understand why our hotel was pumping in the perfumed air, but WOW. I wish I could provide you all with a scratch and sniff sampling.
On Saturday morning, Joel had to go in for a medical appointment. It is a required step to receive a visa and be cleared to leave the country and travel to the US. It was a really rough day. I'm not sure if what we witnessed was from medical trauma or if he was simply terrified, but the visit with the doctor was excruciating. Joel had experienced a series of really rough days at this point...first the visit back to the orphanage, then the travel day, and finally a visit to the doctor. We finished the morning off with a visit to have Joel's visa issued. His photo from the visit sums up his feelings on the last few days.
On Sunday, we went to visit the Ancestral Temple of the Chen Family. It was a really interesting place, but unfortunately both kiddos were not in the mood to chill and quietly explore art. Within the Hall there are several places to shop for traditional Chinese items such as chops, silk fans, and scrolls. We purchased some items to give to Joel over the next few years and enjoyed looking at all the beautiful artwork and the incredible craftsmanship. After that we went to to a local market to shop for pearls and jade. I purchased a beautiful jade bangle...80% because I loved it and 20% because I was afraid they'd have to saw my hand off if I asked them to take it off.
On Monday, the group went to the Safari Park, but we decided to opt out. It is supposedly amazing, but it makes for a really long day and we felt that the boys were wiped out physically and emotionally. We decided to hang around the hotel and explore another shopping opportunity to get a few more items to give to Joel over the next few years. Our hotel had an incredible garden within it and the boys loved it! It had hills for the them to roll down, ponds of koi for them to watch, and lots of grassy spaces for them to throw and kick balls. We spent lots and lots and lots of time there. It sort of became my sanctuary. It was a way to get fresh air and sunshine without worrying about the boys or needing to hold them the whole time.
On Tuesday, Sam, Joel, and I went to the US Consulate to complete the last bit of paperwork. Two days later we'd be able to leave China with our son if everything was approved. It was a stressful morning in that there was a good bit of waiting and security measures, but Joel did far better there than at the medical appointment. We were thankful to complete all of the necessary steps and leave without any complications. The clock was officially ticking. Joel's visa was the last thing we needed before we could go home.
On Wednesday, the group traveled to Shamian Island. This place is filled with a lot of history for the China adoption community because until 2013 the US Consulate was on the island. As every adoptive family is required to go to the Consulate, many families stayed on the island. The hotels and statues and even restaurants have become places for families to seek out and snap some photos. Shamian Island has definitely catered to the adoptive families over the years by becoming a shopping destination for all kinds of gifts and souvenirs. Even though the US Consulate is no longer there and the families aren't required to visit the island, most do in order to shop and walk the famous streets that they've heard so much about.
Thursday was a free day as many of the families were making plans to leave. This was one of the hardest days for me. We ended up with flights out on Friday, so Thursday was literally just a day of waiting. We received Joel's passport back with his visa inside at about 11:00 a.m. The following hours were pretty slow and long as I was becoming more and more desperate to get home. If I had it all to do over (or when making recommendations to other families), I'd suggest leaving the first day/night that you can or scheduling some kind of activity for the day. It was a day that I could have really used something to do to make the day go by just a bit faster.
On Friday, we were up bright and early to take a van to Hong Kong. Most families leave China via the Guangzhou or Hong Kong airport and we found cheaper tickets out of Hong Kong. I would have preferred leaving via Guangzhou (because Hong Kong is a three hour drive and an additional trip through customs), but it was neat to see the area as we drove in. It's definitely a part of China that I would want to return to if/when we make it back one day.
After a bit of a wait in the Hong Kong airport, we finally boarded the plane back to the US. This was quite possibly the longest day of my life. Thanks to the magic that is the rotation of the earth and time zones, we left on Friday, March 9, at 11:45 a.m. and flew for 12 hours only to land in Seattle on Friday, March 9, at 7:59 a.m. What the actual F? By the time we got to Seattle I was DONE. And apparently so were the boys because our wait there in the airport and the final flight home were EPIC nightmares. God bless each and every passenger on that plane. We finally landed in Atlanta after flight delays and maintenance issues on Friday, March 9, at about 9 p.m. And we were home. Our journey to China and back again was over, but the real journey was just beginning and life as we knew it was forever changed by the gift of our son.
As we were leaving Kunming, I was pretty overwhelmed with emotion. We were taking our boy away from the only city he had ever known. Granted, Gaungzhou is still in China, but I knew that these cities were likely very, very different. Even the language was likely different as Mandarin is the primary spoken language in Yunnan (the province where Joel was born and lived), but in Guangdong, the majority of people speak Cantonese. It hit me just how little choice our little guy had in all of this. Everyone around him was making these choices, hopefully with his best interest in mind, but he was slowly but surely, one day and one flight at a time leaving everything he knew and understood.
We arrived in Guangzhou and exited the plane to a wall of humidity. I live in Georgia, so I'm no stranger to heat and humidity, but whoa. This was unreal. It was the first time I understood what people from dryer climates experience in Georgia...the change was dramatic. I instantly felt hot and heavy. Good thing I had 23 pounds strapped to me and we had four backpacks and four suitcases to carry through the airport. We met our guide, Simon, who graciously took our overabundance of luggage in stride and helped us load into a van for a ride to our hotel. I was DESPERATE to get out of that van and into the hotel and just be done for the day, but thanks to the traffic of Guangzhou, it was a fairly long ride.
We walked into our hotel to jaw-dropping beauty, and a smell I'll never forget. The smells in China are something I can't quite describe. For someone with a very sensitive nose, it was kind of an overwhelming experience. Having experienced less desirable smells on many occasions thus far, I totally understand why our hotel was pumping in the perfumed air, but WOW. I wish I could provide you all with a scratch and sniff sampling.
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| The lobby of our hotel. |
On Saturday morning, Joel had to go in for a medical appointment. It is a required step to receive a visa and be cleared to leave the country and travel to the US. It was a really rough day. I'm not sure if what we witnessed was from medical trauma or if he was simply terrified, but the visit with the doctor was excruciating. Joel had experienced a series of really rough days at this point...first the visit back to the orphanage, then the travel day, and finally a visit to the doctor. We finished the morning off with a visit to have Joel's visa issued. His photo from the visit sums up his feelings on the last few days.
 |
On Sunday, we went to visit the Ancestral Temple of the Chen Family. It was a really interesting place, but unfortunately both kiddos were not in the mood to chill and quietly explore art. Within the Hall there are several places to shop for traditional Chinese items such as chops, silk fans, and scrolls. We purchased some items to give to Joel over the next few years and enjoyed looking at all the beautiful artwork and the incredible craftsmanship. After that we went to to a local market to shop for pearls and jade. I purchased a beautiful jade bangle...80% because I loved it and 20% because I was afraid they'd have to saw my hand off if I asked them to take it off.
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| Ancestral Temple of the Chen Family |
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| Market where we could buy pearls and jade |
On Monday, the group went to the Safari Park, but we decided to opt out. It is supposedly amazing, but it makes for a really long day and we felt that the boys were wiped out physically and emotionally. We decided to hang around the hotel and explore another shopping opportunity to get a few more items to give to Joel over the next few years. Our hotel had an incredible garden within it and the boys loved it! It had hills for the them to roll down, ponds of koi for them to watch, and lots of grassy spaces for them to throw and kick balls. We spent lots and lots and lots of time there. It sort of became my sanctuary. It was a way to get fresh air and sunshine without worrying about the boys or needing to hold them the whole time.
On Tuesday, Sam, Joel, and I went to the US Consulate to complete the last bit of paperwork. Two days later we'd be able to leave China with our son if everything was approved. It was a stressful morning in that there was a good bit of waiting and security measures, but Joel did far better there than at the medical appointment. We were thankful to complete all of the necessary steps and leave without any complications. The clock was officially ticking. Joel's visa was the last thing we needed before we could go home.
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| Outside the US Consulate in Guangzhou, China |
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| View of Guangzhou from the Pearl River Cruise |
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| Pearl River Cruise entertainment |
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| First sword fight. |
On Wednesday, the group traveled to Shamian Island. This place is filled with a lot of history for the China adoption community because until 2013 the US Consulate was on the island. As every adoptive family is required to go to the Consulate, many families stayed on the island. The hotels and statues and even restaurants have become places for families to seek out and snap some photos. Shamian Island has definitely catered to the adoptive families over the years by becoming a shopping destination for all kinds of gifts and souvenirs. Even though the US Consulate is no longer there and the families aren't required to visit the island, most do in order to shop and walk the famous streets that they've heard so much about.
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| Joel's feelings on Shamian Island and the bus ride there were NOT joyful. My face pretty much sums up these last few days in country. Fix it, Jesus. |
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| The Red Couch is a famous sofa in the White Swan hotel in Shamian Island where many adoptive families stayed when the US Consulate was in Guangzhou. It became so popular that most adoptive families make a trip to the hotel for this photo opportunity alone. Joel's feelings about this special moment were indicative of our last days in China. All heads turn toward the screaming kid in the corner. |
Thursday was a free day as many of the families were making plans to leave. This was one of the hardest days for me. We ended up with flights out on Friday, so Thursday was literally just a day of waiting. We received Joel's passport back with his visa inside at about 11:00 a.m. The following hours were pretty slow and long as I was becoming more and more desperate to get home. If I had it all to do over (or when making recommendations to other families), I'd suggest leaving the first day/night that you can or scheduling some kind of activity for the day. It was a day that I could have really used something to do to make the day go by just a bit faster.
On Friday, we were up bright and early to take a van to Hong Kong. Most families leave China via the Guangzhou or Hong Kong airport and we found cheaper tickets out of Hong Kong. I would have preferred leaving via Guangzhou (because Hong Kong is a three hour drive and an additional trip through customs), but it was neat to see the area as we drove in. It's definitely a part of China that I would want to return to if/when we make it back one day.
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| All of our feelings as we boarded the plane for Hong Kong to Seattle. God have mercy. |
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| American Citizen...poor buddy was so sick with a gross respiratory infection and lingering pink eye. I look rough and I look far better than I felt waiting for the last flight home. |
After a bit of a wait in the Hong Kong airport, we finally boarded the plane back to the US. This was quite possibly the longest day of my life. Thanks to the magic that is the rotation of the earth and time zones, we left on Friday, March 9, at 11:45 a.m. and flew for 12 hours only to land in Seattle on Friday, March 9, at 7:59 a.m. What the actual F? By the time we got to Seattle I was DONE. And apparently so were the boys because our wait there in the airport and the final flight home were EPIC nightmares. God bless each and every passenger on that plane. We finally landed in Atlanta after flight delays and maintenance issues on Friday, March 9, at about 9 p.m. And we were home. Our journey to China and back again was over, but the real journey was just beginning and life as we knew it was forever changed by the gift of our son.
Friday, May 11, 2018
A New Normal
Today marks nine weeks home. I don’t really know what to say about these weeks. They have been incredibly hard, hard in ways I was prepared for, and I’m thankful for that. So, so thankful. But still so, so hard.
My greatest regret from my first adoption of Garrison three years ago was my lack of preparation. No one talked to us about attachment, or lack there of. No one said anything about caring for a premie. No one spoke a word about any of the things I was facing. Everyone spoke as if unicorns and rainbows had taken up residence in my home and heart. Oh God, how I wanted that to bet true, but the truth is that those first 6ish weeks with Garrison were indescribably hard. Add on to that the layers of guilt and self doubt from my years of infertility and I was spiraling down a dark hole fast. I didn’t know how to explain it to anyone and all everyone could see was that I finally had my baby, and everyone (myself included) assumed I’d be blissfully happy without a complaint in the world.
When we decided to adopt again, and internationally this time, I knew I needed preparation. I had an agency in mind that several close friends had used, but I decided to dig deeper and hunt for the best fit. I asked lots of people and called lots of agencies. We eventually landed with Lifeline in part because I was desperate for education and post-adoption support (I also believe in their ministry, they have a good reputation in the adoption community, and I love how willing the China Program Director is to answer all of my calls). I assumed at the very least that this adoption would be very different, but likely harder and I wanted to be ready.
We did buckets and buckets and hours and hours of training. Read books on adoption, attachment, Trust Based Relational Intervention, and China. We took courses on Communication, Attachment Styles, and a four-part TBRI workshop. Lifeline requires a two day training for all families adopting internationally called Crossings, which we attended in November. If it was offered, I signed up. If it was recommended, I read it. I so deeply wanted to be ready, both for our son and my family, but also for myself.
Ready. I don’t know if you’re ever truly ready. Maybe the mamas who are true veterans, there and back again half a dozen times. For me, this was all still so very new.
I arrived home DESPERATELY thankful to be in the USA, and to feel the comforts of home. Many people long to explore the world...I am not one of those people. I wish I was. I wish I had a pinky toe worth of adventure in me, but vacation sounds like the beach in Florida or the mountains of Colorado. An adventure sounds like Hawaii or Europe. China was next level for me and my heart hungered for home.
But suddenly home didn’t really feel like home. There was an extra person and despite spending the last two weeks with him in country, i think we all suddenly became very aware just how much we were still strangers to one another. His cry was foreign to me. My voice was not soothing to him. We all arrived home to obvious jet lag (13 hour time difference, flying east to west is a b$:%# in ways I can’t explain) but also illness. Sam had a double ear infection. Joel had a cold and infections in both eyes. I had caught the cold that Sam had for a week in China the day before we left. The first four days home were unreal. I still can’t believe we survived. I assume the details will eventually fade and we will have some form of amnesia about the whole event...otherwise, no one would ever return to China a second, third, fourth time.
We saw glimpses of grief from Joel in China. Lack of appetite. Tantrums. Arriving home opened the flood gates. Our solid sleeper suddenly couldn’t sleep longer than 90 minutes without waking and transferring him out of our arms was akin to placing live bombs in a crib. He grieved so deeply at night, and it manifested in fits of crying so loud I thought he’d wake the neighbors. He was simultaneously desperate for us to hold him and furious that we were touching him. Nights were long and yet never, ever long enough. He seemed ravenous for food, but refused to eat all of the things he had eaten in China. He attacked crackers like it was the last food on earth, shoving them in his mouth while crying, yet completely without the ability to chew them. If I tried to slow him down, he interpreted it as me denying him food, which sent him even further over the edge.
We’ve been cocooning since we came home. Cocooning is a term used in the adoption community to describe a season of intensive care, in which the parents meet all of their new child’s needs. Interactions with people outside of the immediate family and the environments to which the child is exposed are very limited. When a family cocoons, they keep their new son or daughter’s world small, simple, and predictable. For us, that has looked like staying home 99% of the time. Joel has gone with me each day to drop Garrison off at daycare, but then the two of us return home. We’ve slowly started to open up his environment just a bit by eating out at some quick restaurants, visiting the park at low attendance times, and running errands to the grocery store. In the beginning, I wore him in an ergo anytime we ventured out. Now, he can ride in a cart or sit in a high chair, but he occasionally still needs a hug or kiss to settle down, other times, he just wants me to hold him. While it’s easy to look at him and think he’s almost two, he should be better capable to handle these situations, research says that it is far better to allow him to revert as far back to infancy as he wants. If he wants me to hold him in Target rather than ride in the cart, then that’s what we do.
Slowly, the tantrums have dwindled. The nights have held more sleeping than screaming. He’s trusting (sometimes) that there will be more food next time. He and Garrison are starting to play a bit more than they fight. When I think rationally about how much has changed in these nine weeks, I’m amazed. I couldn’t change the same amount about myself in nine weeks (just ask my therapist). But most of the time, my rational brain is foggy and I’m tired of the hard. While I know that the Lord calls us into the hard, and that the hard things in life are the ones that refine us, when I’m in the fire, I’m quick to think I have been refined enough.
I return to work after one more week, and I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t grateful. Add that to the column of things I feel guilty about. I am simply not good at being a stay at home mom. You know the phrase “absence makes the heart grow fonder?” Well that absence is critical for me, for my mental health, for my ability to parent the way I want to. Feeling guilty about it doesn’t change it...these nine weeks have been a marathon battle of keeping my head in the game and my mind free from the tangled web of thoughts that can spin out of control. I’m praying that Joel can and will transition to daycare smoothly, and that the changes won’t set us back in terms of attachment.
I have to remind myself a half dozen times a day that our old normal is gone but that the present is not our new normal. This is a transition period, a hard one, but not a forever one. Six months from now, life will look and feel so very, very different. And while I long for our lives to feel normal again, I’m trying to remind myself just how quickly things change. Someday these photos and videos of Joel in these early days will be precious memories as time will have softened the details and we will have forgotten so much.
The days are long, but the years are short. Garrison is closer to kindergarten than he is to his birth, so while I may hunger for a bit for the comfort of normal, I know that these days are golden in their own way.
My greatest regret from my first adoption of Garrison three years ago was my lack of preparation. No one talked to us about attachment, or lack there of. No one said anything about caring for a premie. No one spoke a word about any of the things I was facing. Everyone spoke as if unicorns and rainbows had taken up residence in my home and heart. Oh God, how I wanted that to bet true, but the truth is that those first 6ish weeks with Garrison were indescribably hard. Add on to that the layers of guilt and self doubt from my years of infertility and I was spiraling down a dark hole fast. I didn’t know how to explain it to anyone and all everyone could see was that I finally had my baby, and everyone (myself included) assumed I’d be blissfully happy without a complaint in the world.
When we decided to adopt again, and internationally this time, I knew I needed preparation. I had an agency in mind that several close friends had used, but I decided to dig deeper and hunt for the best fit. I asked lots of people and called lots of agencies. We eventually landed with Lifeline in part because I was desperate for education and post-adoption support (I also believe in their ministry, they have a good reputation in the adoption community, and I love how willing the China Program Director is to answer all of my calls). I assumed at the very least that this adoption would be very different, but likely harder and I wanted to be ready.
We did buckets and buckets and hours and hours of training. Read books on adoption, attachment, Trust Based Relational Intervention, and China. We took courses on Communication, Attachment Styles, and a four-part TBRI workshop. Lifeline requires a two day training for all families adopting internationally called Crossings, which we attended in November. If it was offered, I signed up. If it was recommended, I read it. I so deeply wanted to be ready, both for our son and my family, but also for myself.
Ready. I don’t know if you’re ever truly ready. Maybe the mamas who are true veterans, there and back again half a dozen times. For me, this was all still so very new.
I arrived home DESPERATELY thankful to be in the USA, and to feel the comforts of home. Many people long to explore the world...I am not one of those people. I wish I was. I wish I had a pinky toe worth of adventure in me, but vacation sounds like the beach in Florida or the mountains of Colorado. An adventure sounds like Hawaii or Europe. China was next level for me and my heart hungered for home.
But suddenly home didn’t really feel like home. There was an extra person and despite spending the last two weeks with him in country, i think we all suddenly became very aware just how much we were still strangers to one another. His cry was foreign to me. My voice was not soothing to him. We all arrived home to obvious jet lag (13 hour time difference, flying east to west is a b$:%# in ways I can’t explain) but also illness. Sam had a double ear infection. Joel had a cold and infections in both eyes. I had caught the cold that Sam had for a week in China the day before we left. The first four days home were unreal. I still can’t believe we survived. I assume the details will eventually fade and we will have some form of amnesia about the whole event...otherwise, no one would ever return to China a second, third, fourth time.
We saw glimpses of grief from Joel in China. Lack of appetite. Tantrums. Arriving home opened the flood gates. Our solid sleeper suddenly couldn’t sleep longer than 90 minutes without waking and transferring him out of our arms was akin to placing live bombs in a crib. He grieved so deeply at night, and it manifested in fits of crying so loud I thought he’d wake the neighbors. He was simultaneously desperate for us to hold him and furious that we were touching him. Nights were long and yet never, ever long enough. He seemed ravenous for food, but refused to eat all of the things he had eaten in China. He attacked crackers like it was the last food on earth, shoving them in his mouth while crying, yet completely without the ability to chew them. If I tried to slow him down, he interpreted it as me denying him food, which sent him even further over the edge.
We’ve been cocooning since we came home. Cocooning is a term used in the adoption community to describe a season of intensive care, in which the parents meet all of their new child’s needs. Interactions with people outside of the immediate family and the environments to which the child is exposed are very limited. When a family cocoons, they keep their new son or daughter’s world small, simple, and predictable. For us, that has looked like staying home 99% of the time. Joel has gone with me each day to drop Garrison off at daycare, but then the two of us return home. We’ve slowly started to open up his environment just a bit by eating out at some quick restaurants, visiting the park at low attendance times, and running errands to the grocery store. In the beginning, I wore him in an ergo anytime we ventured out. Now, he can ride in a cart or sit in a high chair, but he occasionally still needs a hug or kiss to settle down, other times, he just wants me to hold him. While it’s easy to look at him and think he’s almost two, he should be better capable to handle these situations, research says that it is far better to allow him to revert as far back to infancy as he wants. If he wants me to hold him in Target rather than ride in the cart, then that’s what we do.
Slowly, the tantrums have dwindled. The nights have held more sleeping than screaming. He’s trusting (sometimes) that there will be more food next time. He and Garrison are starting to play a bit more than they fight. When I think rationally about how much has changed in these nine weeks, I’m amazed. I couldn’t change the same amount about myself in nine weeks (just ask my therapist). But most of the time, my rational brain is foggy and I’m tired of the hard. While I know that the Lord calls us into the hard, and that the hard things in life are the ones that refine us, when I’m in the fire, I’m quick to think I have been refined enough.
I return to work after one more week, and I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t grateful. Add that to the column of things I feel guilty about. I am simply not good at being a stay at home mom. You know the phrase “absence makes the heart grow fonder?” Well that absence is critical for me, for my mental health, for my ability to parent the way I want to. Feeling guilty about it doesn’t change it...these nine weeks have been a marathon battle of keeping my head in the game and my mind free from the tangled web of thoughts that can spin out of control. I’m praying that Joel can and will transition to daycare smoothly, and that the changes won’t set us back in terms of attachment.
I have to remind myself a half dozen times a day that our old normal is gone but that the present is not our new normal. This is a transition period, a hard one, but not a forever one. Six months from now, life will look and feel so very, very different. And while I long for our lives to feel normal again, I’m trying to remind myself just how quickly things change. Someday these photos and videos of Joel in these early days will be precious memories as time will have softened the details and we will have forgotten so much.
The days are long, but the years are short. Garrison is closer to kindergarten than he is to his birth, so while I may hunger for a bit for the comfort of normal, I know that these days are golden in their own way.
Wednesday, November 1, 2017
Baby Greavu #2
Weeks ago I announced that we have pre-approval for our sweet, little guy in China. Not a whole heck of a lot has changed since then as we got stuck waiting on our approval from USCIS. It finally arrived after 72 days. Once we received that approval, we had it authenticated as quickly as possible. On Monday, October 30, our dossier was officially sent to China. A dossier is a compilation of documents gathered to give the Chinese government a blueprint of who we are. It includes our birth certificates, marriage certificates, financial records, medical records, police and FBI clearances, photos, and our home study. Praise God, as now the majority or our paperwork is complete! DTC (literally dossier-to-China) is a BIG step in the adoption process!
Our next step will be to get logged in the CCCWA. For many, LID is a very important mark in the journey. This is the point at which your agency can begin the process of matching you with a special needs child. As we already have pre-approval for our little guy, LID isn't quite that big of a deal, but still comforting to know that our paperwork has been received. Our next big hurdle will be to receive our Letter of Acceptance (LOA). This represents our formal acceptance of our match with our little one and is necessary to file immigration paperwork that allows for US citizenship. Our number one question we receive right now is "when will we travel?" and at this point, our best estimate is March or April. We should have a better estimate for travel windows once we receive our LOA.
So those are the details on the timeline and where we stand in the process. What I really want to tell you about is Baby Greavu #2. Now admittedly, as he's already 16 months old, he's not technically a baby, but I still call Garrison baby at 32 months, so I'm fine with the title of "baby." I'm anxiously awaiting the point when I can request another update on our sweet guy, but for now, I just re-read his file when I'm feeling the need. The information in his file is dated from February of this year, when he was about eight months old. At that time he could keep his head stable when supported, raise his head off the bed, track moving objects, and gaze at people. He laughed loudly if being teased and felt happy when seeing food and expressed a desire to eat. He is described as extroverted, active, ready to smile. They report he likes listening to music, likes being cuddled, and will cry loudly when he is unhappy. As you can see, we don't know a whole lot. My most favorite thing in the report is that it is noted that he is a deep sleeper...welcome to the Greavu family, buddy. You are going to fit it just fine. This mama LOVES good sleepers!
He is now 16 months old, and I know sooooo much could have changed since then. We got a few updated photos when we were reviewing his file, but even that was months ago. At that age, they seem to change every week, so I will admit that it's hard. I know we're missing out on some really sweet moments. My absolute favorite months with Garrison were about 13-18 months old, and I know we will miss all of those. However, we are over the moon to welcome him home next year. We are busy preparing, fundraising, cleaning out closets, sorting boxes of boy clothes. I'm painting the guest bedroom and we're trying to figure out when to switch Garrison over to his big boy bed (his crib will go to his brother). I will definitely say that I feel the nesting desire this time around. It's a weird feeling, one that I've never experienced before. I'm probably already driving Sam crazy, but things. must. get. done. The next few months feel big. Really important. Preparing our hearts, our home, Garrison, school, church, friends, and family for all that is about to change in our world. I'm both scared of messing up, of making the wrong choice, or not doing the right thing or reading the right book, and at peace with the fact that we're entering into the unknown. Learning to do the right thing is just going to take some time and figuring out who our little guy is.
We are thankful for all the prayers, donations, and love that we have received thus far in our journey. I cannot wait to share more about Baby Greavu #2 with you in the coming months. And hopefully, by that time, he'll have a name.
Our next step will be to get logged in the CCCWA. For many, LID is a very important mark in the journey. This is the point at which your agency can begin the process of matching you with a special needs child. As we already have pre-approval for our little guy, LID isn't quite that big of a deal, but still comforting to know that our paperwork has been received. Our next big hurdle will be to receive our Letter of Acceptance (LOA). This represents our formal acceptance of our match with our little one and is necessary to file immigration paperwork that allows for US citizenship. Our number one question we receive right now is "when will we travel?" and at this point, our best estimate is March or April. We should have a better estimate for travel windows once we receive our LOA.
So those are the details on the timeline and where we stand in the process. What I really want to tell you about is Baby Greavu #2. Now admittedly, as he's already 16 months old, he's not technically a baby, but I still call Garrison baby at 32 months, so I'm fine with the title of "baby." I'm anxiously awaiting the point when I can request another update on our sweet guy, but for now, I just re-read his file when I'm feeling the need. The information in his file is dated from February of this year, when he was about eight months old. At that time he could keep his head stable when supported, raise his head off the bed, track moving objects, and gaze at people. He laughed loudly if being teased and felt happy when seeing food and expressed a desire to eat. He is described as extroverted, active, ready to smile. They report he likes listening to music, likes being cuddled, and will cry loudly when he is unhappy. As you can see, we don't know a whole lot. My most favorite thing in the report is that it is noted that he is a deep sleeper...welcome to the Greavu family, buddy. You are going to fit it just fine. This mama LOVES good sleepers!
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| Photo from his original file |
He is now 16 months old, and I know sooooo much could have changed since then. We got a few updated photos when we were reviewing his file, but even that was months ago. At that age, they seem to change every week, so I will admit that it's hard. I know we're missing out on some really sweet moments. My absolute favorite months with Garrison were about 13-18 months old, and I know we will miss all of those. However, we are over the moon to welcome him home next year. We are busy preparing, fundraising, cleaning out closets, sorting boxes of boy clothes. I'm painting the guest bedroom and we're trying to figure out when to switch Garrison over to his big boy bed (his crib will go to his brother). I will definitely say that I feel the nesting desire this time around. It's a weird feeling, one that I've never experienced before. I'm probably already driving Sam crazy, but things. must. get. done. The next few months feel big. Really important. Preparing our hearts, our home, Garrison, school, church, friends, and family for all that is about to change in our world. I'm both scared of messing up, of making the wrong choice, or not doing the right thing or reading the right book, and at peace with the fact that we're entering into the unknown. Learning to do the right thing is just going to take some time and figuring out who our little guy is.
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| Updated photo from the end of July. |
Thursday, August 3, 2017
The Nitty Gritty Details
Thank you all for sharing in our joy. We are so excited about our newest adoption journey. It has already proven to be one heck of a ride, but that just makes the story that much sweeter. We're fielding lots of great questions post announcement. The most common are "When will you travel to China?" and "Are you raising money?"
To the first...let's table that, shall we? The easiest answer is that we don't know. I hope to provide a bit more insight into that and into our process soon. As to the second, to each and every person who has asked, I could seriously hug your neck. Gosh, we're grateful! Fundraising is a super humbling experience. It's a little bit embarrassing and way outside of my comfort zone to ask for help, let along help in the form of financial gifts. But as I've spent more time in the adoption world, I've seen that for so many, it is a joy to give to so that orphans may be called sons and daughters. We are so thankful that the gift of money connects us all and that we can all take part in adoption in different ways.
The short answer is yes! Absolutely, we will be fundraising! The estimated cost for an adoption through Lifeline Children's Services (our agency) for China at this time is just shy of $35,000. That doesn't include a few additional costs that we've already had (hello psych evaluation, I'm looking at you!). My guess is that we'll land closer to $37,000 once all is said and done. I know that number can be staggering, but I hope it's also viewed in perspective. Many, if not most, domestic infant adoptions end up costing close to, if not more (or A LOT more) than that and this number includes our travel costs to China. While it is a daunting figure, let's keep in mind that there are many, many, many things being paid for. SO many people have a role to play in this process. When I think about the sheer number of people I'm in contact with at our agency, the number suddenly seems pretty understandable.
We are currently working to get our fundraising set up with Lifesong for Orphans, a nonprofit ministry that helps adoptive families with the finances for adoption. If approved, we'll have a way for people to quickly and easily donate tax free. We're estimating that this will be available sometime in September, but until then, we're paying for everything out of our adoption account. "You have an adoption account?" you may ask. Yep. Ever since we started saving for Garrison's adoption we've had a separate savings account for adoption. We left it open when we completed Garrison's adoption. Adoptive parents can file for a tax credit after completing an adoption. At the time of Garrison's adoption, the tax credit was for $13,400. We received the full tax credit over two years. We carefully put every penny of that money directly into the savings account. At the time we started this adoption, the adoption tax credit, plus the money we saved and added to it gave us a total of just over $17,000.
It's a long way to go, for sure, but friends, I'm so confident. The Lord was so, so good to us in our adoption of Garrison. Our friends, family, and people I've never met gave so generously. I 100% know that this is a doable thing. We can earn, save, and raise another $20,000. We absolutely can! I will certainly update once we have a giving option set up. In the mean time, we're taking Dave Ramsey's advice to sell so much stuff, the kids think they're next. :)
You may also have heard or seen that I took an odd leap of faith (for me) and decided to become an Ambassador for Noonday Collection. Noonday Collection has long been my go-to for jewelry and my favorite place to shop with a purpose as they are a fair-trade company. In May, I decided to become an Ambassador to help fund our adoption...but I wasn't ready to tell you that then. :) 100% of the profit I earn as an Ambassador of Noonday is going directly into our adoption account...seriously, it's direct deposit. So as we approach the holidays please consider shopping for your sister, mother, friend, or best of all, for yourself by shopping Noonday with me as your Ambassador. Not only will you be supporting Operation Baby Greavu #2, but you're also helping support vulnerable communities by providing a marketplace for them. Noonday works with businesses through fair trade, empowering them to grow sustainably and to create dignified jobs for people who need them. And if you're local, let's do a trunk show! I earn money for our adoption and you earn FREE jewelry! That's a win!
As usual, I'm blogging less than I intended. By the time I get all of the posts that are planned in my head together, I'll likely be in China...for real. Thanks for all of your encouragement to keep blogging even when the days turn to weeks and, ahem, months between posts. I love this space. My life just calls me away. Until next time, much love.
To the first...let's table that, shall we? The easiest answer is that we don't know. I hope to provide a bit more insight into that and into our process soon. As to the second, to each and every person who has asked, I could seriously hug your neck. Gosh, we're grateful! Fundraising is a super humbling experience. It's a little bit embarrassing and way outside of my comfort zone to ask for help, let along help in the form of financial gifts. But as I've spent more time in the adoption world, I've seen that for so many, it is a joy to give to so that orphans may be called sons and daughters. We are so thankful that the gift of money connects us all and that we can all take part in adoption in different ways.
The short answer is yes! Absolutely, we will be fundraising! The estimated cost for an adoption through Lifeline Children's Services (our agency) for China at this time is just shy of $35,000. That doesn't include a few additional costs that we've already had (hello psych evaluation, I'm looking at you!). My guess is that we'll land closer to $37,000 once all is said and done. I know that number can be staggering, but I hope it's also viewed in perspective. Many, if not most, domestic infant adoptions end up costing close to, if not more (or A LOT more) than that and this number includes our travel costs to China. While it is a daunting figure, let's keep in mind that there are many, many, many things being paid for. SO many people have a role to play in this process. When I think about the sheer number of people I'm in contact with at our agency, the number suddenly seems pretty understandable.
We are currently working to get our fundraising set up with Lifesong for Orphans, a nonprofit ministry that helps adoptive families with the finances for adoption. If approved, we'll have a way for people to quickly and easily donate tax free. We're estimating that this will be available sometime in September, but until then, we're paying for everything out of our adoption account. "You have an adoption account?" you may ask. Yep. Ever since we started saving for Garrison's adoption we've had a separate savings account for adoption. We left it open when we completed Garrison's adoption. Adoptive parents can file for a tax credit after completing an adoption. At the time of Garrison's adoption, the tax credit was for $13,400. We received the full tax credit over two years. We carefully put every penny of that money directly into the savings account. At the time we started this adoption, the adoption tax credit, plus the money we saved and added to it gave us a total of just over $17,000.
It's a long way to go, for sure, but friends, I'm so confident. The Lord was so, so good to us in our adoption of Garrison. Our friends, family, and people I've never met gave so generously. I 100% know that this is a doable thing. We can earn, save, and raise another $20,000. We absolutely can! I will certainly update once we have a giving option set up. In the mean time, we're taking Dave Ramsey's advice to sell so much stuff, the kids think they're next. :)
You may also have heard or seen that I took an odd leap of faith (for me) and decided to become an Ambassador for Noonday Collection. Noonday Collection has long been my go-to for jewelry and my favorite place to shop with a purpose as they are a fair-trade company. In May, I decided to become an Ambassador to help fund our adoption...but I wasn't ready to tell you that then. :) 100% of the profit I earn as an Ambassador of Noonday is going directly into our adoption account...seriously, it's direct deposit. So as we approach the holidays please consider shopping for your sister, mother, friend, or best of all, for yourself by shopping Noonday with me as your Ambassador. Not only will you be supporting Operation Baby Greavu #2, but you're also helping support vulnerable communities by providing a marketplace for them. Noonday works with businesses through fair trade, empowering them to grow sustainably and to create dignified jobs for people who need them. And if you're local, let's do a trunk show! I earn money for our adoption and you earn FREE jewelry! That's a win!
As usual, I'm blogging less than I intended. By the time I get all of the posts that are planned in my head together, I'll likely be in China...for real. Thanks for all of your encouragement to keep blogging even when the days turn to weeks and, ahem, months between posts. I love this space. My life just calls me away. Until next time, much love.
Thursday, June 30, 2016
These Are the Best of Days
Good grief. Worst blogger of the century. Garrison is 15 16 months and with that comes so. much. trouble. I shudder to think of this kid at 15. He is a hot mess going 100 miles per hour from 7:30 a.m. until he crashes at 8:00 p.m. He has become more independent and willing to leave my side over the last few months as long as I appear to be thoroughly engrossed in whatever he is doing. The moment I try to be productive he absolutely looses it. I can sit ten feet away from him as long as I'm not doing anything, but try to fold clothes or work on my laptop and homeboy goes bonkers. I have so much work to do outside of my regular full-time job, but I can't get any of it done until he goes to bed or he literally tries to break my laptop in his efforts to remove the distraction. In light of that, blogging is just slipping further and further down the list of things to do.
With all of that said, fourteen and fifteen months have absolutely been my very favorite months. And that's actually saying a lot as month fourteen was filled to the brim with illness. Bless his poor pitiful heart, but somehow that kid had a pretty massive eczema flare, a yeast infection, a staph infection, and a double ear infection all at once. HOW DOES THAT HAPPEN? I took him in for some SERIOUS diaper rash after calling the nurses all week and trying every homemade concoction they could come up with. I obviously felt like the WORST mother in the history of the world to hear that he had all of that going on. I was so embarrassed! To add insult to injury, the very next day he came down with Hand, Foot, and Mouth Disease which he promptly shared with me five days later. Ughhhhhh. However, despite some serious illnesses all at once, this age is just so dang fun.
I feel like developmentally, he has exploded within the last few months. He has a BIG personality. Garrison loves trouble. Loves it. If you call out his name (Gar-ris-sonnnn) as he's about to do something he shouldn't (eat dog food, open the trash can, eat dog food, pull on power cords, eat dog foot), he'll typically stop long enough to turn around and look at you, smile a SUPER mischievous grin, and then run ten times faster towards the object of his desire. When we get really firm with a loud "Garrison, NO!" he then instantly falls to the ground, face first, and screams and cries even kicks his legs. It's pretty dramatic. It's a toss up between which is worse...letting him get away with whatever form of trouble he's got his eye on or listening to the temper tantrum. He definitely understands the concept of no, but listening and obeying are just so dang hard right now.
His vocabulary is getting much bigger right now. He's definitely got "no," "dog," "out," "go," and "ball" mastered in English. In sign language he's got "eat," "more," and "all done." Now, the sign for "all done" is his absolute favorite. He uses it for everything. When we're a quarter of the way through getting dressed, he'll tell me he's all done. No, actually bud, you have one arm and a head through your shirt. You are definitely not all done. When I've unsnapped two snaps of his cloth diaper (and, therefore, barely started changing him), he'll tell me he's all done. At daycare, there are simply too many things to see and do to be bothered with breakfast lately. Once I plop his little butt in the chair, he'll immediately tell me he's all done while he eyes a favorite toy. An even better use of the sign is in combination with the sign for more. When he really wants to confuse the crap out of me, he'll sign all done at the dinner table. I'll ask him to confirm, which he will...and then he'll promptly follow it with the sign for more. For the love. WHICH IS IT?!?! And because Garrison is an over achiever, he's working on Spanish at the same time as English and ASL. So far he has agua down. He constantly walks around the house yelling "agua" at me. It took me a while to figure out what he meant, but eventually after he screamed it a good dozen times every time I opened the fridge, I finally put two and two together. It's highly possible that he's shouting a good many other Spanish words at me, but as neither I nor Sam speak a lick of Spanish, his poor, dumb parents are clueless.
Garrison completed "swim lessons" a few weeks ago. I put that in quotes because the class was about half getting the babies used to the freezing cold water and half making mama work out...not the point of swim lessons at all! Basically swim lessons have given Garrison zero fear of the water as well as zero knowledge about water safety. It's a super terrifying combination. I go back and forth between loving the fact that we have a pool in our backyard and being so flipping terrified that I want to rip it out. Garrison likes the water, but he has an extremely short attention span. We can keep him in the water a little longer with the presence of pool noodles, but after about 10 minutes he's ready to go explore. We have our first family beach vacation coming up Labor Day weekend...I can already tell that this is going to be quite the adventure!
For Father's Day, Garrison got his first hair cut. I was willing to let it go for quite a while, but truth be told, it wasn't turning into the hair style I imagined. The top and front of his hair grows at a fraction of the rate as the back and sides, so he was creating quite the mullet. Sam hated the mullet, so they went together to get their hair cut. It was super sweet and Garrison did a great job. My heart only broke a little and I didn't cry, so I feel pretty great about it.
In other news, Garrison remains a little peanut. He's significantly smaller than his classmates that are the same age, both in height and weight. He's also significantly smaller than his classmates that are several months younger than him...sadness. He's currently wearing size 12 months, and I foresee that he'll stay in that size throughout the summer and fall. To be honest, he might still be in 12 months through the winter too. Bless him. In an effort to help keep him on/move him up the growth chart, his pediatrician recommended we try Pediasure. Thankfully, after a few tries, he's decided he likes it, and I'm already seeing an improvement. He gained a full pound since his 15 month appointment, so hopefully this trend will continue. He already has 15 teeth and his sixteenth (bottom left cuspid/canine) is slowly working its way in. I have a feeling he'll have all 16 in before he's 17 months. After that, he'll just have the two year molars and we are D.O.N.E!
We are thoroughly enjoying summer right now, even though it is sooooo hot. We've been in the upper 90s for weeks, but I'll take it since it means lots of sunshine in the evenings when we get home and far less sickness. I know fall will be here before we know it and on its heels will likely come colds, bronchiolitis, ear infections, and more, so we're soaking up the sun and enjoying this beautiful season of life with my little love. These are the best of days.
With all of that said, fourteen and fifteen months have absolutely been my very favorite months. And that's actually saying a lot as month fourteen was filled to the brim with illness. Bless his poor pitiful heart, but somehow that kid had a pretty massive eczema flare, a yeast infection, a staph infection, and a double ear infection all at once. HOW DOES THAT HAPPEN? I took him in for some SERIOUS diaper rash after calling the nurses all week and trying every homemade concoction they could come up with. I obviously felt like the WORST mother in the history of the world to hear that he had all of that going on. I was so embarrassed! To add insult to injury, the very next day he came down with Hand, Foot, and Mouth Disease which he promptly shared with me five days later. Ughhhhhh. However, despite some serious illnesses all at once, this age is just so dang fun.
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| Picking strawberries. |
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| Waiting for daddy to come home and fix dinner is hard, but it gives us time to SWING! |
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| He got his own chair for his birthday. He loves to climb up by himself and "read." |
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| Llama llama red pajama, do not holler at your mama! |
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| BALL! |
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| Water day at daycare |
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| First hair cut |
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| Picnic in the front yard with mom |
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| Post-dinner ball throwing session |
Monday, February 8, 2016
Pace Yourself
This post has been in the works for six months. Apparently that's how long it now takes me to think, ruminate, write, rewrite, rethink, rewrite, and edit. Blogger extraordinaire right here. For the last several months I've noticed something about myself and I've spent a few of my available moments of free brain space to think about this interesting (at least to me) thought pattern. You see, I have felt pressure, literally since the beginning of our time with Garrison to do all. the. things. There has been no "or" in my vocabulary. It's always "and." We should do this AND we should do that. We should go there AND we should go there. We need to (fill in the blank) AND we need to. Anybody else ever feel this way?
I've thought about it and thought about it and come up with a couple of ideas as to why this may be my new thought process. Firstly, there are more times than I can count where I've convinced myself that we need to X and Y "because Garrison might be our only child." Can I get an amen? It's crazy the things that I've felt pressured to do, buy, experience just because he might be our only one. Strangely enough, I don't really believe that he will be our only child. If you ask me (when I'm not freaking out about the need to do/buy/see X) I would tell you that I'm pretty confident we'll have two, maybe even three kids. However, I definitely don't know that we will have babies, so along that same vein of thought, comes "because he might be our only baby." Example number one. If you follow me on Facebook, you've likely seen that I became obsessed with photo sessions this past year. Newborn, family photos, sitting photos, standing photos, Santa photos, family photos, first birthday photos. Photo sessions with professional photographers are not cheap and this year our finances have struggled due to daycare + formula + PT and OT appointments + Garrison's surgery, and yet, I would have taken out a second mortgage to have those photos. Wise? No. But I'm terrified to look up and have missed it. He will very likely be my only newborn. There was no way in hell I was missing those insanely expensive photos. Garrison very well might be the only child that will ever learn to sit or stand or celebrate his first birthday with us and I just can't miss it.
A second idea is that I waited so long to do these things with a child, and now that I have one, it's like we must do all. the. things. RIGHT. NOW. For example, I've dreamed of taking my kid(s) to Disney World for YEARS. Like literally the greatest dream come true will be to walk my little kid(s) through the gates of the Magic Kingdom. I might just lie down on the floor and weep. I have greatly struggled with the need to take him this past year. It would have been a financial nightmare and that's about the only reason I've not gone. The fact that he wouldn't remember it, that he might sleep through half the day, that he might not be able to ride anything, and that he'd likely be scared out of his ever loving mind by all the people and characters has not deterred my desperate need for him to experience Disney. Sam has known about my love affair with Disney for years and his answer has always been "when we have kids." We've been together for almost 11 years now...that's a lot of waiting. He surprised me when we completed IVF in Jacksonville with a day trip to the Magic Kingdom because technically, we had kids (be still my heart). It was heaven, but I've still been dying to go back and see it all again. We've joked for years that because of his "rule" I'd likely try to take my six week old to Disney...well he wasn't far off. If finances hasn't stood in the way, I'd have taken that little boy to every single park. In a similar way, I need him to go to the zoo, the aquarium, go to the beach, see snow, fall in love with Harry Potter, etc and I need him to do it all NOW. It's a constant battle to remind myself that no, we do not need to fly to Colorado or drive to Kentucky to follow the snow this winter. And oh gosh Christmas. I needed to start every single Christmas tradition this year. There were a number of times that I considered giving the kid hot (mildly warm) chocolate because CHRISTMAS, you know?
And thirdly, maybe the darkest of all of the thoughts has been the discovery that I in some weird, twisted way have felt like my time with him is limited. Maybe it stems from the adoption process. The fear that any second we'd receive a call telling us to get out of the NICU and head home it was over. Or the days and nights once we were home fearing any 904 area code calls that would say bring him back to Jacksonville, his birth father is coming for him. Or maybe it stems from my gigantic, overwhelming fear of SIDS since the moment we left the hospital. Garrison was/is truthfully at a higher risk than most babies, and somehow that has manifested into this anxiety that has plagued my days and nights over these past months. I thought I would breathe much easier at six months when the risk drops significantly, and to some degree I did. I don't wake up a million times in the night to check the monitor. However, I do become paralyzed with fear, literally too afraid to even go check for fear I'l be too late, when I've slept a long stretch and he hasn't moved.
In a similar, rather depressing, Freud would have a field day train of thought, I've also noticed that for me, the monthly age recaps have felt a lot less like counting up and a lot more like counting down. One month becomes two, and two months becomes three, but in a lot of ways it feels like a slippery slide down to one year where I can't catch my breath or find a foot hold to pause for just a moment. In some ways, that count down feels like a countdown to the end. What comes after one? It's a constant struggle to remind myself that two, TWO comes after one, and there are twelve glorious months in between just like this year. That there will be plenty of time to go explore the zoo, to see Disney, to stay up past our bedtime watching movies and eating popcorn. Because he's mine. Not my borrowed son. Not my temporary son. But my real, forever and ever son. So pace yourself, Amanda, it doesn't all have to happen now, this year, or before he turns one. You've got a lifetime to fill to the brim with love and happiness.
That's where this blog post was meant to end, and then tragedy struck and all my thoughts about forever and ever were questioned. In November a precious mama that I went to high school with found out that her two year old has cancer. Ughhh. And not just any cancer but super rare, super aggressive, terrifying cancer. And then just weeks later, a fellow infertility mama lost. her. son. 13 months. You guys. I was a hot mess of terror. She did an IUI the same month I did IVF and delivered her son within days of my IVF due date. She had all of the milestones that I would have had if our IVF cycle had not ended in miscarriage. After those two events, I just couldn't post this. Because tomorrow isn't promised. Sometimes "a lifetime" isn't all that long. And I was terrified all over again. Any insight or comfort this cathartic use of writing had brought was quickly eliminated by the ugly truth that our days with our children are not promised to us.
I've spent time since then as the clock slowly ticks closer and closer to his first birthday thinking about how to process these heavy emotions and thoughts in light of the truth that my days, Sam's days, and Garrison's days are numbered and we will never know what that number is until our days are done. I still believe the encouragement to pace myself is important. We don't have to do it all, or see it all right now. But I think it's also a fair reminder to remember that these days are precious whether we have just one more, or twenty thousand more. So we should enjoy them. Love them. And live them well.
I've thought about it and thought about it and come up with a couple of ideas as to why this may be my new thought process. Firstly, there are more times than I can count where I've convinced myself that we need to X and Y "because Garrison might be our only child." Can I get an amen? It's crazy the things that I've felt pressured to do, buy, experience just because he might be our only one. Strangely enough, I don't really believe that he will be our only child. If you ask me (when I'm not freaking out about the need to do/buy/see X) I would tell you that I'm pretty confident we'll have two, maybe even three kids. However, I definitely don't know that we will have babies, so along that same vein of thought, comes "because he might be our only baby." Example number one. If you follow me on Facebook, you've likely seen that I became obsessed with photo sessions this past year. Newborn, family photos, sitting photos, standing photos, Santa photos, family photos, first birthday photos. Photo sessions with professional photographers are not cheap and this year our finances have struggled due to daycare + formula + PT and OT appointments + Garrison's surgery, and yet, I would have taken out a second mortgage to have those photos. Wise? No. But I'm terrified to look up and have missed it. He will very likely be my only newborn. There was no way in hell I was missing those insanely expensive photos. Garrison very well might be the only child that will ever learn to sit or stand or celebrate his first birthday with us and I just can't miss it.
A second idea is that I waited so long to do these things with a child, and now that I have one, it's like we must do all. the. things. RIGHT. NOW. For example, I've dreamed of taking my kid(s) to Disney World for YEARS. Like literally the greatest dream come true will be to walk my little kid(s) through the gates of the Magic Kingdom. I might just lie down on the floor and weep. I have greatly struggled with the need to take him this past year. It would have been a financial nightmare and that's about the only reason I've not gone. The fact that he wouldn't remember it, that he might sleep through half the day, that he might not be able to ride anything, and that he'd likely be scared out of his ever loving mind by all the people and characters has not deterred my desperate need for him to experience Disney. Sam has known about my love affair with Disney for years and his answer has always been "when we have kids." We've been together for almost 11 years now...that's a lot of waiting. He surprised me when we completed IVF in Jacksonville with a day trip to the Magic Kingdom because technically, we had kids (be still my heart). It was heaven, but I've still been dying to go back and see it all again. We've joked for years that because of his "rule" I'd likely try to take my six week old to Disney...well he wasn't far off. If finances hasn't stood in the way, I'd have taken that little boy to every single park. In a similar way, I need him to go to the zoo, the aquarium, go to the beach, see snow, fall in love with Harry Potter, etc and I need him to do it all NOW. It's a constant battle to remind myself that no, we do not need to fly to Colorado or drive to Kentucky to follow the snow this winter. And oh gosh Christmas. I needed to start every single Christmas tradition this year. There were a number of times that I considered giving the kid hot (mildly warm) chocolate because CHRISTMAS, you know?
And thirdly, maybe the darkest of all of the thoughts has been the discovery that I in some weird, twisted way have felt like my time with him is limited. Maybe it stems from the adoption process. The fear that any second we'd receive a call telling us to get out of the NICU and head home it was over. Or the days and nights once we were home fearing any 904 area code calls that would say bring him back to Jacksonville, his birth father is coming for him. Or maybe it stems from my gigantic, overwhelming fear of SIDS since the moment we left the hospital. Garrison was/is truthfully at a higher risk than most babies, and somehow that has manifested into this anxiety that has plagued my days and nights over these past months. I thought I would breathe much easier at six months when the risk drops significantly, and to some degree I did. I don't wake up a million times in the night to check the monitor. However, I do become paralyzed with fear, literally too afraid to even go check for fear I'l be too late, when I've slept a long stretch and he hasn't moved.
In a similar, rather depressing, Freud would have a field day train of thought, I've also noticed that for me, the monthly age recaps have felt a lot less like counting up and a lot more like counting down. One month becomes two, and two months becomes three, but in a lot of ways it feels like a slippery slide down to one year where I can't catch my breath or find a foot hold to pause for just a moment. In some ways, that count down feels like a countdown to the end. What comes after one? It's a constant struggle to remind myself that two, TWO comes after one, and there are twelve glorious months in between just like this year. That there will be plenty of time to go explore the zoo, to see Disney, to stay up past our bedtime watching movies and eating popcorn. Because he's mine. Not my borrowed son. Not my temporary son. But my real, forever and ever son. So pace yourself, Amanda, it doesn't all have to happen now, this year, or before he turns one. You've got a lifetime to fill to the brim with love and happiness.
That's where this blog post was meant to end, and then tragedy struck and all my thoughts about forever and ever were questioned. In November a precious mama that I went to high school with found out that her two year old has cancer. Ughhh. And not just any cancer but super rare, super aggressive, terrifying cancer. And then just weeks later, a fellow infertility mama lost. her. son. 13 months. You guys. I was a hot mess of terror. She did an IUI the same month I did IVF and delivered her son within days of my IVF due date. She had all of the milestones that I would have had if our IVF cycle had not ended in miscarriage. After those two events, I just couldn't post this. Because tomorrow isn't promised. Sometimes "a lifetime" isn't all that long. And I was terrified all over again. Any insight or comfort this cathartic use of writing had brought was quickly eliminated by the ugly truth that our days with our children are not promised to us.
I've spent time since then as the clock slowly ticks closer and closer to his first birthday thinking about how to process these heavy emotions and thoughts in light of the truth that my days, Sam's days, and Garrison's days are numbered and we will never know what that number is until our days are done. I still believe the encouragement to pace myself is important. We don't have to do it all, or see it all right now. But I think it's also a fair reminder to remember that these days are precious whether we have just one more, or twenty thousand more. So we should enjoy them. Love them. And live them well.
Monday, February 1, 2016
Eleven til One
You guys, I may spend the next few weeks curled up in the fetal position. Eleven months. ELEVEN months. ELEVEN MONTHS. Be still my heart. I just can't.
Nicknames: Bupsie, Bubs, Nugs, Love Nug, Goobs, Goobie, Goobie Booty, Noodle
Nicknames: Bupsie, Bubs, Nugs, Love Nug, Goobs, Goobie, Goobie Booty, Noodle
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| Beautiful little Goobie. |
Stats: Once again I have really inaccurate stats and for that reason I'm not going to FREAK THE HELL out about the numbers. 18 lbs and 27 inches. For. The. Love. We're incrementally climbing the weight chart and rolling down the height chart like a runaway snowball. But, it's not worth worrying about until I get into the pediatrician for his one year next appointment. He still wears 6-9 or 9 months clothes and size 3 diapers when he's not wearing cloth. And, we may stay here until he's two. But that's cool. I'm getting my money's worth.
This child has nine teeth. NINE. He has the top four, bottom three, and then both of the first bottom molars have come through. He's taking it like a champ because he has seriously been teething nonstop since 7 months. Bless his heart. And bless mama's too because the kid BITES. I'm terrified that my kid is going to be THAT kid at school. I already hear his teachers saying, "Gentle, Garrison" all the time. Ackkk.
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| Post bath naked time. |
This child has nine teeth. NINE. He has the top four, bottom three, and then both of the first bottom molars have come through. He's taking it like a champ because he has seriously been teething nonstop since 7 months. Bless his heart. And bless mama's too because the kid BITES. I'm terrified that my kid is going to be THAT kid at school. I already hear his teachers saying, "Gentle, Garrison" all the time. Ackkk.
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| Sharpening his toothies on Sophie action while he waits on his pancakes at Cracker Barrel |
Eating: I pretty much let him eat whatever he wants at this point. Baby Led Weaning has produced an excellent eater. Far better than his mama. I think his favorite foods are probably beans, mashed potatoes, and blueberries. All foods I could really do without. Bless him. The only foods he hasn't really had yet our peanuts/peanut butter, grapes, and egg whites. Oh and cake. He hasn't had cake. But he's about to have lots of cake. Sigh.
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| Pulled pork and baked beans. Yum. |
He's doing really well with straw sippy cups. I think he prefers not to have to tip his head back. He's a busy little body and would prefer not to have to rest/chill and lounge with his cup/bottle. So pretty much the exact opposite of his mama. But I'm really proud of him. All of these things that people said he might struggle with due to his preemie status, low birth weight status, or early struggles have just turned into non issues. He's rocking growing up into a (teeny tiny) big boy.
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| Daddy trying to encourage him to walk sans walker/shopping cart/wagon. |
Sleeping: The sleep situation remains wonderful. He's still getting 11.5-12.5 hours each night. Our trip down to Florida sort of through him out of whack for a few days, but otherwise, he's been awesome. Thank you, Jesus.
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| Sleepy snuggles in the morning are my favorite. |
Likes: He likes mom. A lot. Like more than a lot. Like mom is the only human in the world worth acknowledging most days. I can sit like a bump on a log and I'm just the greatest thing ever. Sam has to perform like a circus act to garner that kind of attention. Bless him. Daycare and the nursery volunteers at church have mentioned that he's starting to notice (and become upset) when other moms come to pick up their kids. Poor buddy, Unfortunately for him, I'm typically the last or second to last to get him at daycare and he's stuck in the nursery for two services on Sunday so he sees all the mamas come and go. The past month has been pretty hard on my mom heart. I'm feeling more guilty about leaving him, working, etc. He's so little and all he wants in life is his mama. It doesn't seem like too much to ask for. I keep reminding myself that I'm a better mom to him in the time we have together for my time away. If I was his jungle gym all day, I'd be exasperated. This is good for me. And him. That's my mantra.
Garrison also likes whatever I've told him "no, no" about. Dog bowls...A-mazing. Cat litter...Best. Thing. Ever. Trash can...freaking awesome. Sterling...so great. Everest...best toy. I've almost decided to just let him go. Sure buddy, eat the dog food, flip the water bowl, beat on that 85 pound beast, pull the cats tail, but then I get to the cat litter. Nope. Just no. Gross. I can't. We will continue to say "no, no" and redirect a million and a half more times (this week).
Looking forward to: Plans for his first birthday are going well. I'm probably about 1/2 of the way through with decorations and planning. It's going to be a good day. I may just not wear any mascara that day.
These eleven months have been the greatest months of my life. Hardest? Maybe. There were certainly some really, really hard days. But all of the days have been filled to the absolute brim with redemption. The Lord is redeeming my lost years one day at a time. I'd walk through those four years of trying to conceive and infertility a thousand times to have this little love. The love in my heart for that little boy. Gahhhh. I could just squeeze him all day long. He's my greatest adventure and the love of my heart.
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| Just chillin' in the wagon in the middle of the living room. |
Garrison also likes whatever I've told him "no, no" about. Dog bowls...A-mazing. Cat litter...Best. Thing. Ever. Trash can...freaking awesome. Sterling...so great. Everest...best toy. I've almost decided to just let him go. Sure buddy, eat the dog food, flip the water bowl, beat on that 85 pound beast, pull the cats tail, but then I get to the cat litter. Nope. Just no. Gross. I can't. We will continue to say "no, no" and redirect a million and a half more times (this week).
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| Come'ere Sterling |
Dislikes: Garrison continues to dislike being away from mom. I truly do think he's fine once I'm gone. It's the whole me leaving/someone taking him from me that sends him into a fit. Oh, and the reminder that I'm not there by the fact that other moms have come back for their little ones (thanks a bunch, moms).
Garrison continues to hate diaper changes. HATES them. And unfortunately, I'm struggling with cloth diapers for the first time in my wash routine, so I'm not loving diapers these days either. I'd potty train him today if I could.
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| Riding in his big boy car seat. |
Looking forward to: Plans for his first birthday are going well. I'm probably about 1/2 of the way through with decorations and planning. It's going to be a good day. I may just not wear any mascara that day.
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Thursday, October 1, 2015
Seventh Heaven
The months just keep passing, no matter what I do. Somehow, my itty, bitty baby went and turned 7 months old. For a thousand reasons I want to freeze time and never let him grow one minute older. This is such a sweet age. We're starting to really see his personality and it absolutely melts my heart. I wish he could just stay exactly like this forever. But then there are a million things that I'm looking forward to...watching his first movie together, reading a book together before bed that he actually acknowledges rather than trying to slobber on the pages, introducing him to Harry Potter, taking him to Disney World...there's just so many things I can't wait to do. The fact that the days speed by faster than ever is slightly less depressing when I think about all of the amazing things he will experience in the coming years.
Nicknames: Bupsie, Bubba, Bubs...we're narrowing it down to a theme here.
Stats: I don't have official numbers this month, but he came in at 15 lbs 3 oz and 25.5 inches long at home…so a little less than a pound and about a half inch of growth in a month. Nothing earth shattering here. Still hanging out around the 5th percentile. He is still in size 2 when he wears disposable diapers and he's still in size 3-6 month clothes. I expect we'll be here for a while.
Eating: Honestly, I wouldn't be surprised if he'd lost weight the way he's been eating. He's been teething since Labor Day. He now officially has two teeth, but man, getting those suckers out was basically a food strike. He was NOT interested in the bottle.
We finally started solids. We're trying to go with the baby led weaning approach, but I currently feel like a mega failure in terms of solids. My pediatrician about lost her mind when I said I hadn't started solids at his 6 month appointment...she thought we were very behind. While I know BLW takes a different stance on timing, I am worried that he's behind. I know he would do better and improve faster if he had more practice, but currently we're doing really good to get one meal a day in with solids. I have about an hour, maybe an hour and a half if he naps poorly with him awake in the evenings during the week. Somehow I'm supposed to do physical therapy, eat dinner as a family, give him a bath, read a book, and give him a bottle all within that period of time...it doesn't give a lot of time for him to just play with his food. But he'll get there. I'm going to ask daycare if they can start doing a feeding at school. Thus far he's had banana and avocado in terms of BLW. He definitely prefers avocado (little weirdo). Oddly, he's much better at feeding himself with a spoon right now than finger foods. I load the spoon and hand it to him. He gets it to his mouth right side up more than 75% of the time. So far he's tried oatmeal, sweet potatoes, and apples. We're going to try cucumbers and sweet potato sticks next.
Nicknames: Bupsie, Bubba, Bubs...we're narrowing it down to a theme here.
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| Really excited about these monthly pictures now. |
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| I'd really like to eat that phone! |
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| Don't worry about me, mom! Look at my rolls. |
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| Doubling up on those spoons! |
Sleeping: Garrison continues to nap terribly to the point I wonder if it's even worth sticking to the schedule and fighting for naps. Some days, I'm so desperate for him to nap that I just hold him the entire time. This is the only way we come close to 45 minutes or longer. Otherwise it's typically 15-30 before he pops his head up like a little gopher. I can't complain too much though because Garrison continues to sleep well at night. There's typically a night or two each week where he wakes up between 4 and 6 o'clock in the morning...those days are obviously not my favorite. All in all though, I'm so thankful for a baby that sleeps through the night.
Likes: Garrison still enjoys bath time, so I think we'll need to find some bath toys soon. He gets super frustrated that I won't let him sit up in the bath, but my little guy continues to be a terrible sitter and the bath does NOT feel like the place to practice.
All in all, Garrison likes things that he can put in his mouth (mom's hair, cat hair off the floor, spoons, really anything is fair game) and toys that make noise. If it lights up AND makes noise, his little mind is blown and he can't stop smiling...for approximately five minutes until he wonders where his mom is and why she's not sitting RIGHT beside him.
Dislikes: I think Garrison mostly doesn't like to be tired...that's really when I feel like he's most cranky. Which to that I say, "take a FREAKING nap!" This kid just doesn't know how good he's got it. Imagine getting time painstakingly carved out of your day for you so that you can nap not once, not twice, not THREE times. At no other time in your life does someone so carefully help and encourage napping. He's going to regret skipping all of these naps one day.
Looking forward to: It's almost October, my very favorite month of the year. We have a LOT to pack into this month. I have plans for a mini session of family photos, taking Garrison to a corn maze, getting his picture taken in front of a million pumpkins (because obviously), dressing him up in his ADORABLE Halloween costume, and celebrating our birthdays. It should be a really great month.
I continue to be simply amazed that this little love is mine forever and ever and ever. The pain and sadness are beginning to pale in the presence of such radiating happiness. He is the best thing about my day and I know that we are so fortunate to call this beautiful boy our son! Seven of the absolute best months!
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| A brief visit to daycare during lunch. We decided to practice sitting. |
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| Give me a kiss ma'! Ooo, and give me some of your HAIR! |
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| Exhausted and full after his first tailgate. |
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| Garrison at his first Georgia game. He was a teeny bit more excited than pictured. |
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