Decision Made

I can practically hear you squealing with glee while holding your breath at the same time. Yes, it's exactly what you've been waiting for: we've finally made a decision. I apologize immensely for the Great Clinic Debate of 2013 and for leaving you hanging for so long with the final vote... I know you've been on pins and needles the whole time. It's a miracle you've been able to accomplish anything while you've waited for this decision. I won't keep you hanging. Without any further ado (than I've already made of this):

We're going to FIRM 

(Florida Institute for Reproductive Medicine) in Jacksonville, Florida

Whew! I don't know about you, but I feel better. Ultimately, it came down to a few things: 

• cost- Sam felt very strongly about choosing one of the lower cost clinics. I didn't feel as strongly about it, but I did feel good about the opportunity to pay 100% out of our savings account rather than take out another loan. To pay out of our savings for one of the more expensive clinics (like RBA) it would be at least June of 2014 before we could start, and knowing us and our poor budgeting skills, probably even later. Ultimately, I'm tired of waiting. 
• embryos- I loved that Dr. Duffy not only agreed to save the embryos I wanted from being discarded, but that this is kind of his standard procedure. He put it like this, "your chances with a grade C embryo are lower, a lot lower, there's no denying it, but there's also no denying that there are a lot of people walking the earth today from some really ugly embryos". Exactly. I couldn't have said it better myself.
• stress- I've explained my feelings on this already, but I really think that I will be the least stressed if I'm off work and not dealing with a 1-2 hour commute each way. Granted, I could take off of work even if I chose a Georgia location, but I wouldn't. Add in that I will see the same physician each day for my monitoring appointments, and I really believe that FIRM is the least stressful option.

We're still a long way off; actually, we are exactly three months from our predicted IVF start date, if all goes according to plan. We're along way off, but I'm a planner, so I have, of course, talked these poor nurses' ears off. My last name is pretty memorable, so I'm fairly sure when I show up, they'll know exactly who I am after we've chatted for the next three months (probably thinking, "oh no"). They've been sweet enough to ease my mind by giving me a predicted timeline:

December 26, 2013- go to Jacksonville with Sam
December 27, 2013- IVF start date*
December 28, 2013- stim day 2
December 29, 2013- stim day 3, Sam goes back, mom comes down
December 30, 2013- stim day 4
December 31, 2013- stim day 5
January 1, 2014- stim day 6
January 2, 2014- stim day 7, first day of paid time off (PTO)
January 3, 2014- stim day 8, second day of PTO
January 4, 2014- stim day 9
January 5, 2014- stim day 10, mom leaves
January 6, 2014- trigger or stim day 11, third day of PTO
January 7, 2014- day off, or trigger, or stim day 12, fourth day of PTO
January 8, 2014- retrieval, or day off, or trigger, fifth day of PTO
January 9, 2014- embryo day 1, or retrieval, or day off, 6th day of PTO
January 10, 2014- embryo day 2, or embryo day 1, or retrieval, 7th day of PTO
January 11, 2014- embryo day 3, or embryo day 2, or embryo day 1

January 12, 2014- embryo day 4, or embryo day 3, or embryo day 2
January 13, 2014- embryo transfer, or embryo day 4, or embryo day 3, 8th day of PTO
January 14, 2014- embryo transfer, or embryo day 4, 9th day of PTO
January 15, 2014- transfer, 10th day of PTO
*We're going with a birth control pill method of suppression, so there is supposedly some wiggle room for how long I can be on. They feel confident that this can be my start date as long as my cycle starts sometime in between November 19th and December 10th.

The miracle here, if you notice, is that I can do a complete IVF cycle in Jacksonville with a five day transfer by only taking two weeks off of work. I'm crazy blessed by a great holiday schedule with a full eight days off of work. Now all of this is of course assuming that I stim for the predicted 10 to 12 days, it might be less or it might be more. It is also assuming that we decide on a day five transfer. We're going to make that decision after the embryos begin developing. So there are lots of undetermined factors yet... there's a lot that I simply can't control. And due to the lack of control we haven't decided at all when Sam will return for the second time. I'm currently hoping that he can just take off three days (January 8-10) and stay with me for five days regardless of the timing.

So there you have it, not only have we decided where we are going, but we also have a plan. Talk about progress! Thanks for hanging in there with me during the longest decision of my life!

Debt Free (sort of)

Hold your horses. Don't celebrate too much, too fast. The "sort of" in the title is kind of a big deal. We are still currently the not so proud owners of over $100,000 in student loan debt... we're a long way from calling into Dave Ramsey's radio show.

So how then, are we debt free at all? We are credit card debt free, and I have to admit, it feels pretty nice. Sam and I will be the first to admit that we are really, really bad at money. I'm fairly sure that I grew up in the worst home ever in terms of modeling money well. I had no idea that people actually saved for things... in my world, we went out to look at fishing boats, or fancy cars, or expensive jewelry and if we liked it, we bought it. Done deal. The fact that we had no money in the bank was never a consideration (I mean, I didn't know we didn't, but still)... that's what credit cards are for. I have a lot of really, really bad habits and ways of thinking about money to unlearn as an adult.

Sam did not grow up in such a family... I don't know what his excuse is (kidding, sort of). His family modeled thrift and savings really well. And this carried over in a lot of ways to Sam. But essentially, Sam and I look at money very differently. The little stuff, the five dollars here, ten dollars there stuff is pretty easy for me to say no to. That stuff trips Sam up all the time. If I let him, he'd spend five hundred dollars on food every month and never think twice about it. Big purchases give Sam the heeby jeebies though... furniture, vacations, vet bills. He's not a fan. I on the other hand am totally fine with the big purchases. Those things have value to me, where as a Big Mac and fries just don't. So yea, we're different. We knew this going into marriage and we've sought as much wise counsel as we can in our early years. We've done Dave Ramsey's Financial Peace University and we've met with and talked through things with some really wise people.

However, despite all of our good intentions, we still fail... a lot. The truth of the matter is that while Sam was in school, I was making a meager salary. We were paying my student loan bills with Sam's student loan. Talk about a return on your investments: let's trade 6% interest rates for 8% interest rates. And then we moved, I quit my job, and started infertility treatments. We lived the last few months in Augusta on an uber budget and we felt adequately prepared for treatment. However, we learned quickly that the quoted cost and the actual cost is NEVER the same thing. We blew through our allotted funds in the blink of an eye. $6,000... just gone. And then I had no job, Sam had no income besides the reduced student loan we chose, and well, it was Christmas. I'm a giver... and well, even me on a budget tends to leak onto the credit cards. I was out of work for nine months... nine months without income can do some damage even when you live at home with your parents. So yea, I'm sad to say that we had accrued a nice little pile of debt.

If you've been wondering why the IVF/Adoption Fund hasn't been growing super impressively, this is why. Other than my mom's gracious gifts, we've been stalled out in terms of IVF. We decided to pay off all of our credit card debt before moving funds into our savings account. It has been TORTURE, I tell you. The minimum payment has been something barely noticeable like forty dollars, and yet we've been paying more than a thousand dollars each month. And as always, when you've made a promise to yourself, the world seems to want to tempt you and ruin your plan. The original goal was to pay off cards in August, but life happened along with fun things like eight hundred dollars on emergency vet bills in one month. I've seen my IVF hopes move further and further away. But the day has arrived. We've paid off the cards and made our first significant transfer into the savings account. BEST NEWS EVER!

The sad news is that Sam's first gargantuan student loan payment is due in just a few short weeks, but in the mean time, we're going to capitalize off of our no credit card or student loan payment time of freedom and shove as much as humanly possible at IVF. If you ask us to go to dinner, the answer is "no, with love"; our eyes are on the prize. We currently believe, as long as life doesn't throw a major wrench in the plan, that we can pay for IVF and all or almost all or our medications 100% based on our savings. And we're excited!

Bless the Lord, O My Soul

This post has been half finished for awhile now. It seems that I'm drawn back to this topic occasionally, but lately, the last few months or so, I've really focused on this idea. The idea that sometimes, blessing the Lord is not second nature, it is not an involuntary action, but rather an active choice. Erika touched on this idea earlier this week, so I felt a little more relevant in the nature of my strange, and complex musings, so I decided to return to this post and share.

You see, there are many times in our lives when offering blessings to the Lord will come naturally. "Thanks be to God," is often the first thing on our lips when we buy a house, discover a loved one is healing, find a lost child that wandered away in a store, get positive results from a scary medical procedure... the list goes on and on. In the good moments, in the happy times, we as a people, often give thanks. We see good things happen in our lives and we earnestly want to thank whoever or whatever we believe brought this good fortune to us... it's a natural reaction. But what about those other times? What about the times when misfortune finds you? What about the times when a natural disaster strikes and a flood, tornado, fire, or hurricane takes your home and all of your possessions? What about when your mom or dad gets diagnosed with cancer? What about the times when your husband or wife leaves you for someone else? What happens when you learn your teenage son or daughter is addicted to drugs? What do you do then? Is offering up a blessing to God even on your radar?

It is fairly easy to bless the Lord when things are going really well. If something comes together unexpectedly, if things turn out better than they should, we quickly offer up words of thanks. But we are all aware that life isn't one big party filled with lots of "hoorays" or high fives. There are those moments, but they are interspersed with the everyday moments, the regular, the typical. And worse still are the terrible moments,the gut-wrenching heartache, the moments when you long for a new day. So what should we do in those moments? The real issue here is this: does God deserve praise in the midst of our suffering? Because we are all ever aware: suffering is coming. Jen Hatmaker puts it like this, "suffering transcends all class, race, ethnicity, culture, privilege. The wealthiest, most successful man on earth could lose his only daughter in a car wreck this afternoon. There is no corner untouched by grief, no demographic, no alliance. If you haven’t suffered, just live longer". Jen knows what we all know: no one is immune to the sufferings of this world. So what do we do in the midst of our suffering?

David, the Psalmist, would suggest that we command ourselves to bless the Lord, even when we don't feel like it, even when it is the furthest thing from our minds, even when we'd rather curse God. He writes:

Bless the Lord, O My Soul; And all that is within me, bless His holy name.

Psalm 103:1

Erika pointed out a beautiful song O My Soul, by Samuel Lane, but there's another one that has been on my lips for months now. Matt Redman's 10,000 Reasons says this,

"The sun comes up, it's a new day dawning

It's time to sing Your song again

Whatever may pass, and whatever lies before me

I'll still be singing when the evening comes"

My favorite line is in the second phrase, "Whatever may pass, and whatever lies before me"... kind of convicting, right? But here's the thing David is not suggesting that our souls will naturally want to praise God at all times, rather, I think, he's saying two things. Firstly, there is always something to praise the Lord for. If your situation is less than desirable, you can thank Him for His unfailing love, for His saving grace, for His unending mercy. And secondly, the words he wrote indicate that all too often we will have to command our souls to praise the Lord.

I'm the first to admit that I fall desperately short of the mark here. I've said it before, but I'll say it again, when I found out about my miscarriage, praise was not the first thought in my head. I hung up the phone and sobbed. And that is just one example; my life is riddled with moments when I should have stopped to offer thanksgiving, but instead I cried, or I tried to solve it myself, or I asked why. Again, praise is not always natural; sometimes it will be the most unnatural reaction. So in those moments, I have to remember first that my Father is worthy of praise, and secondly I have to command my soul to praise him. Why? Because my soul is fickle. My head goes, "why? why, why, why?" and my heart goes, "waahhhh"... my soul gets caught up in the mess that is me and forgets that my Father is good. 

There will be many opportunities through out my life in which I'm sure I'll have to put this into practice. Currently looming before me is IVF. It's kind of shocking to think I could be starting IVF in a little over three months. At the end, I'll either naturally want to praise Him, praise Him all day long, or I'll have to command my soul to bless Him in the midst of my suffering. And that's just one of any number of opportunities that might arise. Suffering is coming; what are we going to do about it?

Commitment-Phobe

I never thought of myself as someone who fears commitment. I wouldn't say I rush to make a decision; I've always been a "look before you leap" type of person, but I'm not afraid to commit. I was 95% sure that Sam was my guy within the first 6 months of dating. I'm thoughtful about big decisions; I'm a big fan of pro-con lists; I like color coded spread sheets, but typically once the data leans a certain way, I can securely state, "this is my decision" and I move forward. The Great Clinic Debate of 2013 has proven me otherwise: I am a Commitment-Phobe.

Yesterday's appointment went well. Nothing astounding, nothing terrifying, just a good solid appointment. He did commend me for exploring my options and stated that more people should do that. And he also scored some points by commenting on how knowledgeable I was and how well prepared I was (at which point I smile and think, I wish you could meet my friend Emily over at Eat Love Procreate. She'd knock your socks off!). I didn't love his rationale behind which embryos to freeze and which to discard, but he was open to my interpretation and willing to do as I asked. He recommended a different protocol than the other doctors, but was honest with me that his reasoning has less to do with me and more to do with what he is confident he does well. I can respect that. Like I said, overall, a good consult. I feel confident that he is an intelligent doctor who knows what he's doing.

So here's the thing: within about two hours of being in Jacksonville, I started to get a really good feeling. I can't really explain it, but for the first time I felt like I could breathe and talk about IVF at the same time. It felt doable. I immediately shrugged these feelings off as euphoria over a mini vacation... who wouldn't feel great at the prospect of beach, pool, and shopping. I told myself to focus on the facts. But the feeling just stayed. I felt good. I went to the consultation yesterday, and was unconsciously thinking "you've got to beat FIRM". I literally had to make myself stop half way through the appointment to refocus because I was comparing everything he said to the Jacksonville clinic.

On my way home (two hour drive) I spent some time thinking through what it is specifically that I like about FIRM. I came up with three things: doctor-patient interaction, cost, stress level. Almost all  clinics I've been to utilize the doctors rather than nurses or ultrasound technicians for monitoring appointments, but FIRM seemed the closest to my experience with ACRM. I would see MY doctor at every appointment, I'd have a few minutes to voice my concerns directly to HIM not a doctor or a nurse, but to MY person. This is huge to me. I have never been so frantic as when I couldn't get in touch with my doctor at RBA... seeing my doctor every few days eliminates a lot of this worry. The cost is huge for us! We currently have $4,400 in the savings account. That's not too far away from $7,300 but it's a drop in the bucket to $14,700. We could potentially pay for IVF and meds in January 100% out of pocket and I love that. And lastly, I never would have dreamed that traveling away for IVF would make things less stressful, but the more I think about it, the more I'm confident that being away from work, away from Atlanta traffic, away from regular responsibilities would alleviate a lot of stress. IVF will be stressful enough, why make it more so, right?

It may seem like I've talked myself straight into a decision, but I just can't seem to pull the trigger. Sam is fully on board (hallelujah). He loves the price. There is no real reason why I can't commit to FIRM except this nagging voice in my head, "but what if?". I had almost gotten there last night... Sam and I were both good with it, and then I stopped to look at the numbers. I wrote it all out on a napkin... I'll spare you all the napkin.

The Great Clinic Debate of 2013 (ordered by fresh cycle success)
        [IVF pregnancy rate-frozen rate-cost]

• Emory-   65.7%     30%    $12,800
• PREG-   56.4%     39%     $9,500
• FIRM-    54.2%      28%    $7,300
• ACRM-  49.6%      42%    $13,200
• SMFI*-  47.8%     50%     $6,975
• RBA-     40.7%     50%     $14,700

* Servy-Massey was barely off the ground in 2011, they only did 6 frozen embryo transfers

After looking at the numbers, I was worried again. The fresh rate seems solid to me... it's not the best in the country, but it is better than average. It's the frozen success rate that gives me the willies. It is the LOWEST of all the clinics we're considering. If I'm being 100% honest with you guys, it makes me feel like a bad parent to subject my (yet uncreated) embryos to such conditions. I tried to explain it to Sam last night, these protective feelings, this sense of burden I have for these lives and I obviously did a great job because he looked at me like I had a third eye. I'm trying to comfort myself with the fact that lesser quality embryos are less likely to succeed, but that Dr. Duffy regularly freezes grade C (which I like)... but maybe this explains the less than stellar success rates?!?!? Maybe it's not something FIRM is doing wrong, but just a different view on what is freeze worthy?!?!

I could talk about this for days and still be in the same place. I still have an appointment scheduled with Emory, but we're thinking about cancelling. Emory is pretty close to the other Atlanta prices... now granted they have success rates to back it up, but Sam's not loving the cost. I'm 80% in agreement, and I desperately need the hours of paid leave, but I haven't dialed because "what if?".

I am a self-professed Commitment-Phobe and I don't know what to do about it. Anybody have any insight? Which clinic would you choose?

Sunshine State

Whoa… I need a weekend to recuperate from my weekend. I'm exhausted. But the good news is, I think it was worth it. Let me back up:

If you've been following along on the blog for the last six months or so, you've probably discovered a few things about me like: A- we're doing IVF, B- we don't know where, and C- I'm indecisive. It's been a pretty happening place for the Greavus on the TTC front lately… there's been a lot of deep thinking, creating pro-con lists, crunching numbers, and planning. All of which has gotten us exactly no where. In the midst of my confusion and frustration on where to go for IVF, I created a list of all the better than average clinics in the country. Initially, I was incredibly overwhelmed and frustrated. The good clinics seemed to be so far away. I was stuck with mediocrity at a high price. I threw a pity party for a few days and whined about my inability to live in Massachusetts to get IVF for free or travel to Colorado for the best chances of success. Eventually, I got over myself and decided to visit a few more clinics based on my IVF wish list (and my husband's distance limit and price cap). I decided to visit FIRM in Jacksonville, Florida; PREG in Greenville, South Carolina; and Emory in Atlanta, Georgia. I decided that these three clinics, along with the other three I've already been to in the last year (RBA, ACRM and SMFI), would give me the best glimpse at what the southeast has to offer.

Friday, I had my consultation with FIRM in Jacksonville, Florida. Sam couldn't get off work, so my mom was kind enough to take the day and travel the six hours down with me. My weekend essentially started on Thursday night after the college girls in the community group I lead left about 10 o'clock. I then stuffed a bunch of items in a bag and headed to my mom's house. My appointment was at 1:15 on Friday, so we planned to leave with plenty of time, which equated to the crack of dawn. It made the most sense to drive home that night. I got in bed about midnight, or approximately two hours after my bed time (yep, I'm old before my time). Friday morning I was up at 5:30 and ready to hit the road. It was a very good thing we left when we did because, holy moly, the day was filled with "whoops".

Whoops in order:

1. Mom left her phone… go back home
2. Tractor trailer accident on I-75... go around
3. Missed the turn on the alternate route to avoid traffic... go further around
4. We thought IHOP would be quick... thought wrong
5. Missed the exit for I-10... 7.1 miles before the next exit to turn around
6. Got lost in the parking deck... waste time circling, trying to find the up ramp
7. Got lost in the hospital... race around getting on and off elevators
8. Mom lost her car keys... return to hotel room
9. Mom lost the room key... return to front desk

So yea, needless to say, the day was longggggg. In addition to the above fun, we also ran into a legitimate swarm of some kind of bug. I've been down to Tifton, Georgia before, so I get that there are lots of bugs, but this was kind of unreal. This was in infestation of bugs (mating) in the middle of the day. A bug apocalypse. It was unreal.

Windshield after about ten minutes into the plague of mating insects

The front bumper of mom's car upon arriving in Florida. She was pleased.

Luckily, despite ALL of the insanity, we managed to make it to the appointment sort of on time. I say sort of because we were most definitely late, but the doctor was later, so I say we get a pass. The appointment went pretty well. I liked the doctor: he seemed very knowledgeable and very up to date on research. I would see a doctor for every monitoring appointment and could potentially see him for every appointment if I was willing to go to a different office in Jacksonville each day (they have three offices in Jacksonville). Overall, I was fairly pleased with the visit... not in love, but satisfied.

After the appointment we went back to the parking deck, got lost again, and eventually made it the eight miles or so to our hotel: Hotel Indigo. I've never stayed in a Hotel Indigo before, but from what I've heard, they are very modern in design. Add in that Floridians apparently like appalling color combinations (orange and blue?!?!?) and well, I should have been expecting this. The lobby was tastefully done if you could look past seventeen bright, bold colors in one room. Thank goodness, the room was a more mellow. Overall it was a great little hotel. I would definitely stay here again. It was in a little eat/live/play type of village with a large pond outside... very safe, very peaceful, very convenient.

Standard double room: beds were AMAZING... or I was so tired I could
have slept on a rock. Either way, best night of sleep in a while!

After settling into the room, we grabbed a cup of frozen yogurt from a little place down the street, checked out the pool, and decided to wander over to a "small shopping area" just down the street. Holy freak out. I have NEVER seen a shopping mall like the St. John's Town Center. We have outdoor malls in Georgia, but I've never seen anything this massive. Name a store... it was there. Cole Haan, Dillards, Pottery Barn, Louis Vuitton, West Elm, Tiffany, Lucky, Lush, Antropologie, Michael Kors... oh and there is another phase opening soon. What is missing?!?!? Anyway, we walked what felt like ten miles and only saw about a quarter of the place. By this time we were starving so we grabbed dinner at P.F. Changs, a slice of cheesecake at The Cheesecake Factory, and fudge to take home from Kilwin's... they were all within ten feet of eachother. It was too hard to decide.

All in all it was a great trip. I had fun with my momma, which is always great, but ultimately it was a really good decision to go down and visit. I'll be the first to admit that I am incredibly scared to travel alone. Before the trip, if we'd chosen FIRM, I planned to stay in the hotel room except for appointments unless absolutely necessary. My one and only other visit to Jacksonville was during a Georgia/Florida game, and well, I was afraid for my life, so I wasn't looking at FIRM as a real fun option. After going down, navigating the roads, seeing the different hotel options, I could TOTALLY do this. I would not be afraid to go out by myself, take a walk, grab dinner, etc. The only real issue would be giving myself injections... but I'm not worrying about that yet. My mom has graciously offered to come stay with me if I choose FIRM for a few days, and Sam might be able to come down towards the end for a day or so... in the middle, I'd just make it work.

So yea, good trip. Long trip as we drove back home Saturday morning, and then I drove back to Athens, but good. I'm glad I didn't opt of the phone consultation. Seeing Jacksonville, where I'd stay, where I'd buy groceries, where the doctor's office is definitely made me feel a lot more comfortable. FIRM is a legitimate option right now, and I couldn't be more surprised.

I have another consultation today in Greenville, South Carolina. I'm driving myself, so that's awful, but it will be good practice. If we choose this clinic, the plan would be to stay in Athens and drive in each day for monitoring. This clinic is a little more expensive, but has a little better success rates too. I'll let you all know how it goes tomorrow. Wish me luck!

Two Words

Two years ago today, I read one of the two single most significant words of my life. I read "Pregnant" off of a Clearblue Easy Digital pregnancy test on a Friday afternoon. I just couldn't wait for the morning; the box of tests was calling to me, whispering sweet words of hope. I say that it was one of two words because the second most significant word came the next morning: "not pregnant" (that's two words, but whatever). On Friday, September 9, 2011, my whole world changed. The trajectory of my future took a sharp turn on that day. It was the exact path I'd been hoping for…. And then we veered off course. I was fully aware of my pregnancy without fear for all of fifteen hours. And then everything fell apart.

Miscarriage is a really hard thing to explain to someone who has never experienced it. I seem like the least authoritative person to discuss this as I a- knew about my pregnancy for 2.4 seconds, and b-sometimes doubt if I was even pregnant. But at the time, I fully believed I was pregnant and fully believed that my child was slipping away, one flush of the toilet at a time. To say it changed me, would be an understatement. It continues to change me today, two years later. It has changed my faith, my marriage, the way I perceive myself, my relationships with my family and friends. It has literally changed everything.

Miscarriage is not unique within the infertility and loss community. We carry more than our fair share of the losses. Interestingly enough, I did not count myself as a member of the community at the time. In fact, I was assured that this loss had nothing to do with infertility. This was only our fourth month of trying after all. This was not a sign of things to come, this was not reason to worry. It was simply an early loss, most likely due to some chromosomal issue. I heard "it's nature taking its course" and "it's your body protecting itself" so many times... I wanted to scream. Even then, even when everyone assured me that I would get pregnant again, that this was just an unfortunate circumstance, that we'd get another chance, even then, miscarriage hurt; hurt like hell.

I know that people outside of the infertility community wonder why in the world I'm still talking about this pregnancy two years after the fact. Lots of people have miscarriages, but they don't let it define them. I get that. Totally get it. But here's the thing: when you combine miscarriage and infertility, it changes things. I imagine I would still think back and wonder "what if"; I'd wonder how our lives would look different; I'd still want that child even if infertility never became a part of our story. But if our doctor had been right, if we'd gone on to conceive again five months later, I'd have a nine month old right now, and everything would be different. I'd still miss that child, but I'd have this child right in front of me, and I wouldn't trade, so I'd say "God's plan is perfect". I would agree with others that miscarriage sucks something terrible, but my scars would be healing, my fears would be relieved, my pain would be mitigated by the crawling, teething, happy little toddler before me.

You see, it's one thing to miscarry, but it's another thing entirely to lose what may be your only chance. Because that's what it feels like. To the women who wait years, not months, to conceive, that loss is magnified more that you can imagine. They've waited 2, 3, maybe 5 years or more for this chance. To have it stolen, to watch your child leave your body, to feel your baby break free from your womb after all that time... words can't describe it. All children are precious, but that child, that child was extra precious. It wasn't conceived in a hot tub, or after a night of over indulgence, or in a moment of love and passion between the sheets. That child was conceived in stirrups, or a petri dish, or from hours of painstakingly timed intercourse. That child cost tears, and pain, and stress, and thousands of dollars. That child was fought for. The child is not more valuable than the one more easily conceived, no, that's not what I'm saying. But to that mom and dad a miscarriage is not only a loss of that child (and that's bad enough) it's the loss of time, of  energy, of money, of hope. You see, it took Jack and Sue five years to see those two pink lines, and the truth is, they don't have another five years to wait. So Sue and Jack not only mourn the loss of the baby they conceived but also the hope they had placed in that baby. Now they must start over with no guarantee. Sure, there's a one in a bazillion chance that they'll get lucky again next month, but there is a greater chance that they might not get lucky again at all.

Miscarriage is terrible; it hurts like hell; it rips a hole in your chest that you can't seem to fill, but add in infertility, and you've got another level of pain and loss entirely. So yes, I cling to that pregnancy, that single word on that test like a life raft at sea in the middle of a storm because it's been two years and I haven't seen that word or heard it since then. All too often, that baby, that life seems like it was my one shot. So I continue to mourn not only that precious soul, but also the fulfillment of my dreams, the family we could have been, and the me I was before I ever read "not pregnant" that Saturday morning in September.

Decorating on a Dime

I mentioned a while ago that I was crafting. It's not something that I regularly do, because lets be honest, the more fashionable it becomes to craft, the pricier it all becomes. Sure, if I had greater resources, I might accomplish more of my Pinterest dreams, but well, there are more important things most days. However, we recently moved into a super small duplex in Athens. It's not cute. It has zero charm and lots of flaws, so I decided to try to hide some of it's less desirable traits with some inexpensive craft projects. Obviously, I found all of these on Pinterest. If there is another way of finding crafts (I'm sure there is... but I can't remember. What did we do before Pinterest, again? The Martha Stewart show?) it is far too difficult. And I actually didn't even go looking for any of these. Almost all of these finds have been sitting on my board for years just waiting. So without further ado, I present to you the finished pieces.

Item 1: Shipping Pallett Wall Decor

I'm big on efficiency. It would not be efficient, but rather a giant waste of time for me to type up a how-to when I followed the instructions off of someone else's blog. I will however explain the interesting issues that I discovered in this process. First of all, my pallet looked nothing like this. It was FREE, so that was awesome, but aesthetically, it wasn't a great design. So I took it apart. Yes it took time. Yes it probably would have "worked" just fine had I left it, but my purpose wasn't just for it to "work" but rather to look cool while being functional. So I took out all of the nails, sanded the boards (no one wants splinters during the staining process), and stained them. We're on a strict budget, and as you'll see, we purchased stain for another project, so I decided to utilize the same stain. However, with the super cheap wood, the stain absorbs crazy fast, so we diluted it with mineral spirits. That seemed to work really well. However, just a word of advice, use the no/low odor stuff, otherwise your house will stink for DAYS! Once it had been stained and a coat of polyurethane had been added, we put it back together in a more attractive manor. I say we, I mean Sam. I want him to feel involved, you know?

So here it is:

Item 2: Shipping Pallet + Mason Jars= Bathroom Storage Solution

Again, I'm totally not typing up a how-to. You can read all about it. The only real difference here is that I did not have a perfectly sized pallet thing from IKEA, so my sweet husband cut a full size pallet down.. The rest is the same. It definitely solves our bathroom problems. Our bathroom has a sink with VERY little counter space and NO drawer space. So this little guy is great for things we use every day like toothbrushes, Q-tips, cottonballs, etc. It would be great to hold make-up brushes too, but I've been relegated to a different room to get ready in the morning as our bathroom is too small for us to both stand in at the same time. The only expenses were the mason jars, and the pipe fitting thingies. We used the same stain again, and as I mentioned before the pallet was FREE!

What do you think?

Item 3: Wall Art

This, I'll shamefully admit, is a copy of some girl's etsy product. I will say that I didn't realize it was a work of art someone was selling until after I'd already recreated it... oops! It was also a relatively inexpensive project (unlike her paintings). As  I was an art student once upon a time, I've got way too many blank canvases and tubes of paint lying around, so I put them to good use. I did run out of white paint, and my black was as dry as a rock, so there was minimal expense there. Bummer.

Take a look:

Item 4: Cage for the Demon Dog

A little back story: When we bought Sterling, I had some rose-colored glasses on for sure. We crate trained him, and he actually learned to sleep very peacefully in his crate after seveeral months. Sleep being the operative word. Leave him in it during waking hours, and he goes BONKERS!!! The wire crate had lost the fight by the time he was ten months old. For weeks I came home to him with wires pointed in at him all over the cage. It was basically a death trap. Needless to say, we bought him a new crate. But it's HUGE and really loud, so we didn't put it in our bedroom. We wondered, as he's SUCH a good sleeper, if he might sleep on his bed in the corner. That lasted for about a week. He went to sleep sweetly, but about 1AM he would come to MY side of the bed and nose me with his FREEZING cold nose asking, "mom, can we snuggle?". And thus began the "Sterling, on your bed." then "mom, can we snuggle?" war for the next five hours. So we hauled back out the old wire crate and he has slept in it ever since. But ughhhhh.... it's so UGLY!!! It has holes in it. It's rusty. You can see his ratty, shredded bed. I was not loving the idea of having that in our bedroom for the rest of his life. And then I found this lady, Ana White, via Pinterest. She makes the coolest things… but one was AWESOME. Her dog crate is stylish and functional. So after much begging, my husband set out to make one. Now obviously ours has to be a little larger all around… actually much taller, but we used the initial design. I think it turned out really well! It will look even better once it's painted!

Item 5: Cereal Box Monogram

Monograms are all the rage… is that a Southern thing? Do people out west or up north monogram kid's backpacks and lunch boxes? Do they slap monograms on their front door wreath or welcome mat? Anyway, I saw this and thought it was pretty cool. And it was FREE (except for the spray paint).  I learned that I am quite possible the worst at paper mache; even Sam was better at it than me! I made it significantly harder on myself than is necessary by choosing the lowercase "g"… all those curls and the weak midpoint joint made for a more frustrating project than I anticipated, but I'm semi-pleased with the final result.

Item 6: Shoebox Decor

This one was another budget friendly choice… the only cost was scrapbooking paper and I made sure I bought clearance and sale items. Again, super simple. No real explanation needed. I changed it up and used shoe boxes rather than wood as it is A-free and B- requires zero effort. The only hiccough I ran into was selecting extra large shoeboxes (I'm surrounded by big feet). It becomes a headache to piece the paper together to cover if the box is too big. If I had it do over, I'd purchase all of the paper at one time; paper seems to change with the seasons, and as I'm the slowest crafter ever, I spanned the seasons. It looks a little disjointed to me, I'd like some more cohesion, but ultimately it serves it's purpose by filling a horribly ugly wall.

Ta Da-

Item 7: Table & Chairs 

This I stole from my good friend Lesley Anne. We've wanted a table with matching chairs for a while… plus a set that was ours, not borrowed from several different sources. I figured if I didn't find something super cheap that I liked, we'd find something ugly and refinish it like the Fenton's. Well, believe it or not, the cheapest set we found was JUST like the Fenton's, so now we are breakfast table twins! I'll be honest and say that we did not use all of the products Lesley Anne and her husband Kyle did. We took several shortcuts, and our table and chairs certainly suffered for it, but they turned out fairly nice, just don't look too closely!

Item 8: Coffee Table

This is actually ALL Sam. I found two ideas for potential, cheap coffee tables, here and here, but he didn't love either. He found this design and completed it himself over the Labor Day weekend. Go Sam! The table cost us a whopping $65, and yes, we used the same stain. Glad we found a color we liked! I stained the table different colors by applying multiple coats to some boards and wiping the stain off super quickly to the others.

So there you have it, slowly but surely, we'll make this house half a house a home! And the good news is that I like everything enough to implement it in some way into our next place.

It took a major kick in the pants by way of the realization that I was about to have a house full of non-family members on a regular basis in my home to get motivated enough to finish these projects. Crafting always sounds WAY more fun than it is... 800 trips to Michaels later and we are all done!

Bittersweet

Despite the truth in Erika's post about the very un-fall weather, Starbucks has favored me with one of my favorite drinks yet again. So even though the forecast calls for 88 degrees and blaring sunshine today, I'm indulging in my very first Pumpkin Spice Latte of the year.

 

 

 

Yep, this Pumpkin Spice Latte has my name all over it!

But the truth is, I don't freak out over PSLs the way I use to. Their lovely, spicey flavor is kind of tainted now... sort of bittersweet. You see it was on this Friday in September one hundred and four weeks ago that I saw my very first (and only) positive pregnancy test... and we all know how that turned out.

What in the world does a Pumpkin Spice Latte have to do with a pregnancy test and an eventual miscarriage? Absolutely nothing. I'm sure of that now. Starbucks did not kill my baby. But in the days post miscarriage, I was looking for any reason, any explanation as to why this was happening to me. I hadn't been drinking coffee as I had read to cut caffeine when trying to get pregnant, so I did. But I couldn't pass up this particular latte on my way into work one day, and boom... two days later, a positive pregnancy test turned negative. I thought of LOTS of things that I might have done wrong during that time; drinking coffee was just one of them. And like I said, I'm fully confident now that this had nothing to do with the miscarriage... I'm infertile after all.

Despite the knowledge, Pumpkin Spice Lattes have become irreversibly connected to my miscarriage. I can't drink one without a flood of memories washing back through me. In fact, last year, I was afraid to drink them, afraid of the pain and emotions that would resurface. But now, two years later, 99% of the time, I go throughout my days without thinking about my loss. It certainly changed me, and I never thought I'd get to a place where I didn't think about it everyday, but the truth is I don't. But the truth is also that the memories are sharp, clear, and just below the surface ready to replay at a moment's notice. So in a way, these warm, pungent beverages have become a sort of tradition, a way of remembering, a way of mourning. So I'll just sit here with my Pumpkin Spice Latte and sip it quietly and remember and wonder what might have been.