Life Crisis

I'm suddenly having a crisis. I know... we aren't cycling, we aren't planning to cycle, we have no surgeries scheduled, what could I possibly have to write about in regards to infertility? This is an understandable question, and one that I'll have to figure out soon. This blog was never intended to be an infertility blog, but it was pretty boring before all of that, I have to admit. Anyway, I digress.

Back to my crisis. I have NO idea why, but suddenly, today, I started experiencing extreme anxiety over my miscarriage. And not what you would expect. The anxiety doesn't stem from fear of another. No, I'm suddenly FREAKING out over knowing whether it even happened.

Let me pause here to present the facts. Those of you in the infertility world, pay attention; I want your opinions. Okay, so first up, here's my chart:

August 2011 BBT chart

I wasn't using OPK's, checking CM, or any of that yet. We'd only been trying for four months. Of course FertilityFriend loves multiple sources to confirm ovulation, but the dotted crosshairs aren't too unusual for me even when I have more than one. And ovulation on CD22 is not too unusual for me either. It's at the end of the spectrum, but not unheard of.

Let's move ahead to CD35, Monday. I actually felt pregnant. I was EXHAUSTED. I went home everyday that week and laid on the couch. Some nights I even went to sleep before dinner. I had no appetite. Nothing sounded appealing. I never specifically had morning sickness, it was more like all day nausea. I had made a deal with myself that I was not going to use a box of HPT's every cycle. Plus, I was starting to wonder if my brain was creating pregnancy symptoms, you know, like Mr. Schuester's ex-wife in GLEE? But I caved and tested. Now at this time I knew NOTHING about HPT's. I assumed a positive meant two dark lines. I received the world's faintest second line on a First Response Early Result (a sensitivity of 25), but assumed that meant negative. It confirmed my theory that I was going crazy and had a hysterical pregnancy just like Terri. I spoke to my mom and told her how I was feeling one evening, but that I was obviously not pregnant. I downplayed everything to her and Sam because I didn't want them to think I was crazy when my period showed up. She recommended I test again.

I waited until Wednesday, CD37 and retested that morning. A super duper faint second line showed up on a First Response test again. I thought that I was certifiably insane and swore I wasn't testing again. Thursday I felt HORRENDOUS, but I did not test. Friday, I spent the entire workday googling what an ultra faint second line meant. Everything said pregnant. I even read (from "super reliable" sources on pregnancy boards) that the amount of dye in the test varies and a darker line doesn't mean anything. A line is a line. So with unrest in my soul, butterflies in my stomach, and a smidgeon of hope in my heart, I bought Clear Blue Easy Digital (a sensitivity of 50) tests on the way home. Like a good TTCer I intended to wait for the morning. Like a normal TTCer, those tests were burning a hole through the bag. I HAD to test as soon as I got home.

PREGNANT

That's what is said. My heart stopped. It was pretty much the best night of my life.

And then the morning came. I woke up and simply had to see it again. I tested again.

Not Pregnant

I stopped breathing. I showed Sam. I ran to raid the closet for more tests. I found an Error Proof Test (a sensitivity of 25). I dipped. No doubt about it: absolutely NOTHING. I cried. Cue the worst, most stressful weekend ever. I had 48 hours before I could call my OBGYN.

Looking back, I should have called my general practitioner. The office had weekend hours. I'm sure they could have tested. But in my head, a pregnancy test required an OBGYN. So I waited 48 hours. I called the moment the doctor opened. I went to a separate lab for the blood draw by taking an early lunch. The blood was drawn at 11:30, 66 hours exactly since the positive test Friday afternoon.

My HCG was 2.1. My progesterone was .66 (is that even possible?).

Now, at the time, I knew NOTHING about what those numbers might mean. In fact, I didn't even the results. What I got was a phone call on Tuesday morning from a triage nurse (the one that took my call the day before) informing me that I was pregnant. She told me my number was low and that this could mean one of two things. 1- it was really early. I implanted late. 2- I was in jeopardy of miscarrying. She recommended that I go home to rest. The doctor called me three hours later and informed me that based on my positive HPT on Friday and my numbers now, I was, in fact, miscarrying. He was the nicest man EVER about it. He talked with me forever and listened to me sob. He told me to make note once the bleeding started and to track the bleed. If it was heavy, to call him back. Otherwise he wanted to see me on Thursday for an ultrasound and another BETA test.

He never said anything about an ultrasound that day. Every RE I've talked to since then has asked me what the ultrasound showed, but I didn't have one. I don't know what was visible, if anything.

An hour later I started spotting. By mid-afternoon it was a full flow. There were lots of clots (which I tried not to notice) but honestly, that's not super unusual for me. I've had many "normal" cycles that were clot heavy. My bleeding was never very heavy, in fact maybe even lighter than normal, it was definitely more than 50% clots. I was in pain, more so than a normal period, but not like I was dying or anything.

I went in Thursday morning for the ultrasound. The ultrasound showed nothing as far as I know. I never heard specifically what was seen, but he confirmed that I would not need a D&C. My HCG level was recorded as <1 .="" p="">
Now, here I am 14 months later, and I've never seen another positive, faint positive, imaginary positive… nothing. Tonight, I'm replaying all of the comments that my RE's have made over and over in my head:

My doctor at ACRM treated it as if it was a confirmed pregnancy and miscarriage. She marked it in my chart, based on my period date, as a 6 week pregnancy.

At my one and only appointment with Dr. Massey, he told me (as if i didn't know) that with numbers like that it wasn't called a miscarriage, but a chemical pregnancy (same thing in my book).

My current RE hypothesized that I might have had an ectopic pregnancy. He reiterated that a 2 HCG level is actually considered not pregnant. He said that within 5 days of the first faint test, using ANY HPT, I should have had "a nice dark line". The facts: that my line never got darker, my numbers were ultra low, my cycle was super long, all made him curious if it might have been ectopic. But there was no ultrasound to refer too.

Knowing what I know now, a 6 week pregnancy should have had numbers 100x what I had. Even taking into consideration the late ovulation date, it should have been MUCH higher. Was I ever pregnant?

Why am I having a crisis here? I've mourned like crazy for over a year. I've cried over that loss of life like I'd known her all my life. It would be a serious shock to the system to find that I mourned no one (am I starting to sound like Manti Te'o?)

While it would be wonderful to not have had a child die, I'm selfishly scared to death of finding this out. I know. I'm super insane. Let me try to explain. I've heard at least 100 times from Sam, my mom, friends, and doctors this phrase: "well, at least we know that you can get pregnant". I've clung to this information for months. When all seems completely lost, I tell myself it can happen again. Even when looking to IVF, I've held like a life raft onto the fact that sperm and egg have met before. I'm terrified to lose that life raft. I would have no proof that I can get pregnant. My confidence in my ability to do so would be next to nothing going forward.

So, what do you think? Was I pregnant? Was it a false positive from the digital test? What about the ultra faint lines the days before? Is it possible to have a positive HPT and then 15 hours later, a negative?  Is it possible to have a BETA high enough to show up on an HPT, yet be considered not pregnant 66 hours later? Is it possible for your BETA to drop from, worst case scenario, a 50 to 2 in three days? Am I going crazy?