Adrift at Sea

I'm adrift at sea... Four years ago when I was in college, I had such big dreams. I don't mean President of the United States big, not even med school big, but they were big enough for me. I was working at an awesome job as I was completing my final semesters and I started to see what my life could look like. I started to understand the ways in which I could leverage my education, skills, and experience for the Lord. Soon after graduation, my dreams started to come true and I felt like I was shooting straight to the top. I felt like God had a distinct plan for my life and that I was needed.

Shortly after graduation, my dreams started to disintegrate. I felt so confused, "didn't you need me, God?" However. I told myself that I had big things ahead and important life changes to concentrate on. It was time to get married and focus on Sam. It was Sam's time to pursue his dreams.

Initially, I told myself that my dreams for my career were just on hold. I believed it would all work out soon. And honestly, I told myself that even if those doors closed for me forever, even if I never got another chance to do what I love to do, and do it for the kingdom, I would be okay. I felt like my greatest calling was to be a mom. That superseded everything else. I thought that very quickly I would be a mom and find huge fulfillment in that.

But now I'm neither. I'm not a mom, and I probably won't be any time in the near future. But I also don't have a career that I can call meaningful. I feel as if all of dreams are dissolving before my eyes. My life looks NOTHING like I planned. Nothing like I thought it would. At every turn along this road, I thought it was just a small detour. I thought in 6 months or a year, maybe two or three years the path I was on would meet back up with the path I was destined to be on.

Instead, I think my path looks more like a series of forks. I initially went left when my life should have gone right, and it's been left after left ever since. I don't know if I should try to cut a path back to the original plan or just blaze a new trail.

My biggest frustration in all of this is that I completely lack a sense of purpose. I know that sometimes in life, the purpose is simply to pay the bills. Sometimes in life, it's about getting from point A to point B. Sometimes, it's apparently about saving up for IVF. But is it not possible to do all of those things and have a sense of purpose? A feeling of fulfillment?

Years ago, I really thought that I was going to be doing what I love through ministry opportunities. I thought God specifically wanted me. Now, I feel like I've been cut loose. I have no rudder, no sail, and I can't find a current. I'm just floating out here hoping for some direction.

I know that God does have a plan, both for His ultimate glory and for my life. But right now, I have no idea what my direction is supposed to be. I need for there to be a purpose for my days. He has a plan, but I don't have the map. Where do I go next?