Going Dark

I've been debating for days now what to do about the blog and the possibility of a BFP after our upcoming IVF. Many of my blog friends may not know this, but I often post my blog directly to my Facebook page, not a blog Facebook page, my actual, personal Facebook page. Which means that my blog friends read this, people I see at work read this, friends from my church read this, my extended family read this, and people I haven't seen since high school or college read this blog. That's a lot of people to find out about a positive pregnancy test on day one!

There are obviously a couple of options: I could blog about IVF up to and through the transfer but then mysteriously disappear for 10 weeks. The obvious problem there is if it's negative, I'll want/need to keep blogging, so I'd be back immediately. Which would lead to one conclusion: she disappeared therefore she's pregnant… no big secret there.

I could also attempt to make the blog private which would only allow certain people to view posts after IVF. But again, I don't actually want to make the blog private, so I would leave it public if the test was negative, and if someone showed up to see the blog had gone private… hmmmm, question answered.

The other option is of course to simply not post links to the blog on Facebook, but I feel like there are enough inquiring minds out there… they could easily track down an old link to check in if they wanted to. Heck, it's amazing to me that people can spell my name, but the most common search in google that links to the blog is Genuine Greavu… people who want the news will be able to find it.

Lastly, there is of course the option to simply embrace the situation. Anybody and everybody who cares can know the outcome as soon as I post it. This option kind of gives me the willies though.

Even if infertility had never reared its ugly head in my life, I would have been a cautious announcer. I would obviously have told Sam everything, but past that, the plan was always a slow process of telling people. I would have told my mom in some cute way... wrap up a HPT or something. In fact when I got the first digital pregnancy test, I saved it to send to her in the mail (is that gross? oh well, it never happened). After that, I'd have let Sam tell his mom and dad and stepparents when and how he wanted. And after super close family, the plan in my mind had always been 12 weeks... and that was before infertility.

But the truth is, I'll never survive 12 weeks. Too many people know what's going on. There will be too many questions... and why would I not answer if it's negative? It's a secret that IVF failed for 12 weeks?!?!?! Good grief, if IVF fails, I'm hopeful that we will be back for a FET before 12 weeks! I just can't see a way around it... everyone is going to know.

Everyone will know if a home pregnancy test is positive. Everyone will know if our first beta comes out super high. Everyone will know if our second beta doesn't double and I'm crippled with fear. Everyone will know if we miscarry. Everyone will know no matter what the next weeks or months may bring. And that is kind of scary.

However, I went public for a reason with my blog and my story beyond the blog community. I wanted to raise awareness about infertility, I wanted other women who may feel incredibly alone to know that they are absolutely not alone, and I wanted to put a face on infertility. I had incredibly misconceived ideas about infertility before it walked into my life, so I can only assume most people share those same misconceptions. I wanted a place where I could be open and honest about my faith and how infertility has and is affecting it. And ultimately, I wanted to give the Lord a platform... whether He decides to heal us, work through modern medicine, or never bless us with a child of my own, I wanted to offer up our story. Our story is all for His glory!

So for now, we're staying open... the blog will be up and running and you can expect updates like normal. I think of the woman who went through an IVF retrieval on the TODAY show. She said she did it to encourage other women in similar situations to overcome their fears. Well for me, I hope the friends and family who don't battle infertility can catch a tiny glimpse into what this is like. The odds are that they know other friends who are or will go through treatment, so maybe reading and hearing about the nerves associated with the first beta, or fear that comes from injecting yourself... well, maybe that will help when they interact with their other friends. No matter what happens going forward I hope that this space can stay true to itself... honest, open, raw... genuine.

In other news, today is what I imagine Katniss meant when she described "hollow days" in The Hunger Games. Absolutely nothing I eat satisfies my hunger. I'm assuming this is because I'm not hungry for yogurt or apples or lettuce. I'm currently craving a Chick-fil-A chicken biscuit (pardon me while I drool on my desk) on a nice big bowl of jasmine rice. Heaven help me, it's going to be a long day!