I thought the sweets would be the worst part because I have a major sweet tooth, but honestly, it's been the salty carbs... things that I don't actually eat all that often. I mentioned dreams of pita chips, but tortilla chips also sound AMAZING. And obviously the loss of Diet Coke is extreme and terrifying. One thing I've definitely discovered is that if I can't eat or drink things I enjoy, I tend to just not eat or drink. Monday night I felt terrible, and it occurred to me that I might be dehydrated. When I thought back through the day, I realized that I had had a smoothie for breakfast and then about 3 ounces of orange juice later in the day... those were the only liquids I consumed that day. I've been making a more dedicated effort to drink water throughout the day, but blegh, no thank you. I've decided I'm never going to sip water, I've just got to chug it.
I'm headed to Jacksonville tomorrow evening for an appointment at 9:30 on Friday morning. I'll get to briefly meet with Dr. Duffy while he's performing the saline sonohysterogram. I'll also meet with an IVF nurse to discuss our schedule, medications, and learn how to give injections. Sam's not coming, but my mom is, so at least two people will learn how to do injections. Afterwards I have a consult with an Acupuncturist. Hopefully I'll get a good feeling from her because I don't have a lot of time to meet with different people. Okay, further update coming after Friday's appointments.
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The title of this post seems strange even to me right now. How can I be experiencing survivor's guilt? I'm not a survivor yet. I'm no where near done with this journey. There is no guarantee that IVF in January will work. Heck, there is no guarantee that IVF at any time will work. And yet, I'm already feeling guilty. The doctors have all given me higher chances than what their clinic average is... Dr. Slayden at RBA gave us as high as 65-70% chance of success with one IVF. I don't think about those numbers often. It seems safer in my head to focus on the national average. I tell myself we have about a 40-45% chance of success. And yet, I'm still feeling cautiously optimistic.
The more I think about it, the more I realize that I don't actually feel guilty about getting pregnant from of IVF as much as I feel guilty about even doing IVF. I think about all the women I know, all the stories I've heard, and it just seems strange that I'm moving ahead and they are not. It was about three months ago that I voiced something for the first time, but after speaking it out loud, I realized just how true it is. There are women whom I've formed friendships with, whom I love dearly, that I want to succeed more than I want myself to succeed. As the words came out of my mouth, I thought "that can't be true", but it is.
Aubrey was one of those women I was thinking of that night. Whether my husband likes it or not, he hears all about the women I've been blogging with the longest. He knows them by first name. I reminded him of everything Aubrey had been through, of what she was preparing to go through. I told him I didn't know how much more she and her husband could take. And then I told him that I wanted them to succeed with their first transfer at CCRM more than I wanted us to succeed. I'm over the moon for Aubrey and Nick... TWINS! I can't think of anyone who deserves the blessing of twins more than Aubrey! I'm so incredibly thankful she's made it this far, and I'm praying everything turns out perfectly for them!
Suzanne is the other woman I brought up that night. Suzanne had just texted me to let me know that the doctors were not cancelling her donor egg cycle despite a slow start. She relayed that the doctor had high hopes of retrieving 15-16 eggs. After the scare of a cancelled cycle, this was amazing news! It seemed like everything was finally going to come together for my sweet friend. I told Sam that I wanted a successful retrieval, fertilization, and embryo freeze for her so badly my stomach hurt. Suzanne had already been through to much; I told him it just wasn't fair that she would have to go through one more thing. And yet, Suzanne has had to go through several more things. The current bump in the road for them on this long, long journey is scar tissue, most likely from a D&C. I am brokenhearted for Suzanne and I feel terrible that she has another hurdle in this journey. It seems so incredibly unfair that I have the potential to be pregnant before her.
I know that pregnancy for a lot of infertile women comes with a lot of guilt. I've never wanted them to feel guilty. We're all trying to get pregnant; success should be celebrated! But I think I understand a little bit better why the pregnant women and new moms stop commenting and disappear from the blogs. Balancing the seesaw when you've got great news and your dear friend just received terrible news is hard. So, so, so hard. I honestly felt guilty that I even got my period on Saturday. Why should I get to move forward with IVF when Suzanne and so may other wonderful ladies are stuck?
I don't have an answer or a solution as to how to remove or alleviate the guilt for any of us. But I would encourage all of us to stick around, and to fight for the friendships we've created. The relationships formed through these awful journeys are worth the tough conversations and battling the seesaw of highs and lows!
I continue to be so incredibly thankful for this community! The fact that women who are just starting out on clomid or who are seeking adoption can come together with veterans of IVF to form this beautiful place is truly amazing! Thank you all for wishing me well as we finally start out on our very own IVF trail. It's been a very long time coming, and I have no idea where the path may lead, but I'm eternally thankful to have each of you along the journey with me!
Now I want pita chips, haha :) I really admire you for committing to this new diet. I'm intimidated just reading about it. And I am so excited for your IVF journey to begin! I can definitely relate to the survivor's guilt you talk about, and I do think it makes sense that you are already experiencing it at this stage. You are tenderhearted, and you want your friends to get good news. My surprise pregnancy this week has come with an enormous amount of guilt. One blogger friend in particular was hit by the news at a bad time and I feel heartbroken about that. On the one hand, I think why do I feel survivor's guilt, I haven't even gotten my second beta yet. This could all be over in a week just like the last pregnancy. But on the other hand, I feel I've been given this amazing gift just to have another shot. So I most certainly know what you mean about feeling guilty even though nothing is guaranteed for you yet. But the friends who love you will be celebrating with you no matter where they are in their own journeys. I for one cannot wait to read your BFP post :)
ReplyDeleteI went through so many emotions when I got started and then once you add the stimulation meds the emotions come on even stronger. I am praying that you get your BFP after IVF! And after your positive I want to celebrate your pregnancy with you for nine months so don't go anywhere!
ReplyDeleteAs always, this is such a great post. Infertility encompasses SO many other feelings than just not being able to get pregnant. XOXOXO
ReplyDeleteIm right there with you. I feel guilty that I have amazing insurance too. I wish I could share it with so many people out there that deserve it more than I do.
ReplyDeleteVery true. And I'm with you on the no-water. Ick. I've been trying to drink more lately and it is terrible. I wish I could just hook myself up to an IV.
ReplyDeleteYou are right, it is hard. Good post. For me it was "I can afford it" guilt. I had insurance coverage for some things (though they covered nothing for donor egg). And we had the money, with the help of our parents, to get an egg donor and do IVF. I felt guilty that I could afford it while other people could not. But, just so you know when looking ahead, I dont feel guilty that it worked. I think it should work for everyone and, eventually, it worked for me. Of course I still feel horrible for people who are in the trenches, but guilt does not quite describe it. Its more like determination - "hang in there, keep making changes, it might work out!" Thanks for posting about this tough issue
ReplyDeleteWow, I was just feeling this exactly today. We went to our IVF consult. Our insurance doesn't cover anything infertility-related, so we're going to be paying out-of-pocket. It was quite a sticker shock, and it will drain of us all our savings and require us to ask for help from family, BUT we'll still be able to do it. And I know that many people don't even have that option. It really is a confusing thing. I think we just have to focus on our own blessings and not compare ourselves with others. Just like we shouldn't compare ourselves when others are having better results than we are. It's not not useful.
ReplyDeleteI've definitely noticed that IF, even when pregnant, brings a lot of baggage. I think that's why we so often see pregnancy posts with warnings or disclaimers. Bump pics hidden behind a jump. All with the feeling that we can't celebrate too much with so many of our friends still in the trenches. Praying that you're out of the trenches soon.
ReplyDeleteSo true. There is always some level of guilt when something is going right for us and not for those we care about, but I think that speaks volumes about the kinds of women in this circle.
ReplyDeleteGood job on the eating front! I know it's hard at first, but every time you struggle just remind yourself it's a sign how much your body is used to those less healthy foods and how much it will appreciate this whole cleansing process. If you can go a whole week with zero sugar or high glycemic index carbs, that next week will be easier....and the next and the next. Just take it one day at a time, and those days will turn into weeks and months before you know it! You're doing great!
Such excitement going on for you right now!!! Yay! What a crazy rollercoaster we're all on. You should NOT feel guilty. You don't deserve to deal with infertility; no one deserves it. Some journeys are more difficult than others ... But be encouraged, Amanda! I do, however, appreciate your honesty. :) It's just hard ... so dang hard. Luckily, our TTC sisters understand that when they're pregnant ... They still get it.
ReplyDeleteOh Amanda, you bring tears to my eyes. Your friendship has meant the world to me and no one is cheering harder for you. You should never feel guilty. You fight the fight and we will continue to support each other through every step. I have no doubt you have a big win coming. Love you so much!!! xoxo
ReplyDeleteYour post speaks for so many of us. There's so many levels of IF that sometimes makes you wanna tip toe around certain situations. What I've seen and learn is that this blogger community supports you no matter what. I'm right there with you when you say sometimes you want this more for others than yourself. I'm hopeful for your upcoming IVF and I can already see your BFP post. You have such a tender heart Amanda, there's no doubt you will be an exceptional mother.
ReplyDeleteAmanda, you are such a dear and your posts have meant so much to me over the last year! Being on the happy end of a successful DE IVF cycle has been a thrilling and difficult process. You live in fear of failure and feel guilty for your success when so many other amazing parents-to-be are still struggling. My prayer is that you are celebrating a successful cycle soon! What a precious, wanted, and lucky baby this will be with parents like you and Sam!
ReplyDeleteJust made spaghetti squash tonight, haha your comment made me laugh!!! Hang in there girl, the food will taste better and it will get easier! You are doing great!
ReplyDeleteIt will get easier. Anyone can survive anything. I'm a survivor of pharmacy school, so to say :) Normally, that's called being a grad, but I like survivor better. Makes me feel stronger. :D
ReplyDeleteWell said, I also feel guilt right now. I know there are so many women who have yet to have success with IVF and I feel guilty for finally having success. I know how they feel, I've been there, I hope my story lets people know that success is possible, I thought it was impossible for me. I'm excited that you are starting your next chapter!
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