So, Why Adoption...Again?

Once upon a time, we made a plan. Sam and I said we'd adopt and then we'd return to Jacksonville, Florida for our remaining embryos. And yet, here we are, right smack in the middle of an international adoption. I'll be honest, I feel that tension. The reality of embryos sitting in a freezer in Florida with my name on them is a heavy burden...most days, that's exactly how it feels. But let me back up.

Adopting Garrison was quite possibly the single greatest, most defining event in my life. I feel like an entirely different person now. It feels accurate to divide my life in two, BG (before Garrison) and AG (after Garrison). Now part of that is certainly simply taking on the role of mother. That in and of itself changes every woman whether she expects it and welcomes it or not. Something simply shifts when you become a mom. But for me, it goes far beyond that. Adopting rocked my world on every level. It often feels as if it quite literally shattered my heart. For me, adoption was no longer about family building, instead it became about orphan care. I thought I cared about the orphan before, but now I think about the orphans on a daily basis and my heart breaks for the fatherless.

Another thing that changed for me after adopting was my desire to get pregnant and give birth. Some women adopt and still long for the experience of pregnancy and birth...it doesn't diminish their love for their children who were adopted, but it remains a desire for them. Others no longer carry that dream after adopting. I was 100% sure I'd be in the former camp. There was absolutely no way my desire to carry a child and give birth could ever go away...the desire was just too strong. And then a funny thing happen. I woke up one day and realized it was 100% gone. I say that and I think people thing I'm joking or just trying to be positive. Nope. Dead serious. In fact, I'd prefer NOT to ever get pregnant. For real. The only desire that remains for me is for healing. I still desire the answer to my prayers. I still desire for the Lord to reach down and heal me, not because I want to be pregnant or have a biological child, but because I'd love for that to be a part of my story. Does that make sense? Honestly, what I'd really love is to wake up one day with the knowledge that God had healed me and then I'd never test Him on it. "Cool. Thanks. I appreciate that. Now I'd like to not get pregnant, mmm-kay? Thanks." that's how I imagine our conversation would go.

And that my friends is a really interesting place to sit with four embryos in the freezer. In fact, it's a kind of yucky place to sit. I have these embryos that I feel responsible for, and yet, I don't really want to transfer them at this point. Yuck, right? I told you, it's not a good place to sit. We personally don't believe in discarding them or donating them to research and they are far, far too poor of quality to donate. The reality is that the odds are high that I will not get pregnant from the embryos. We know that and the doctors have agreed. We went down and spoke with the doctors at FIRM almost two years ago and they confirmed that the odds were low. Not non-existent, but low...I tend to lower the percentages of any Reproductive Endocrinologist a good twenty percent, so we're talking seriously low. So why won't I just transfer them and be done with it? Well, because it feels pretty gross to think about taking meds and stepping back on to the roller coaster all to hope that it doesn't  work. Ewww. It's not the same as just hoping the pregnancy test will be negative after unprotected sex, at least, it's not the same to me. It's hoping that the embryos don't survive. Ughh. That's tough. And until I can get my head in a place where I am open and receptive to a pregnancy, I don't feel good about opening that door again. Until I can say that I'm at least open to the idea of a pregnancy, I don't want to step anywhere near the roller coaster that is infertility treatments, let alone strap myself in.

So that's one part of it; I don't really want to be pregnant. The other part is that I desperately want to adopt again. Adoption is absolutely, without a doubt NOT the only way that we can care for orphans. In fact, I feel so very strongly that orphan care does not, cannot begin with adoption. Orphan care starts with orphan prevention. But, with that being said, I do believe in adoption. I believe that "God sets the lonely in families." I believe that believers are called to care for the orphan. And while I do not believe that it is the responsibility of the infertile couple to step torward for adoption, I do believe that infertility is a part of my story so that I would be directed towards the path of orphan care.

Over the last several years, I've followed several adoptive mamas on Instagram and as I thought and prayed and researched, I felt a strong desire to adopt from China, specifically from the waiting child list. We are overjoyed at the prospect of adopting a child with special needs into our home and we are thrilled to bring a child from China into our home and call them son or daughter. Truly, this is our plan A at this point and we could not be more excited for this opportunity!

With that said, we do still plan to return to Jacksonville following this adoption. I don't know what that looks like or how I can move from where I am today to a place of desiring a pregnancy without falling back into the crazy. I'm not sure exactly what steps I need to take to get my head on straight in terms of infertility treatments, pregnancy, biological children...all of that, but I know that I'm willing to take the steps to be ready and I know that we are committed to seeing that our embryos have the chance we promised them over three years ago. For now, we wait and pray that the Lord will bring us to and through the Chinese adoption experience. We are excited for the days, week, months, and even years ahead.

Another Child

It honestly feels weird to think about another child at this moment. Both because I am borderline overwhelmed with parenting the one and also because I am content. But I know I probably won't always be content. That's not a reflection on Garrison; I always wanted a big family. The itch for another child will return. I'm not sure when that typically happens. When do normal, fertile couples begin to think about trying again? Surely not at 5 months. But here's the thing. It took us almost four years to get Garrison. If we don't want Garrison to be starting kindergarten before a sibling arrives, it feels like we need to get started.

While in Jacksonville finalizing our adoption of Garrison, we stopped in at FIRM, the clinic where we did IVF. We have four (maybe three) embryos frozen there. We have decided that before we pursue any other family building opportunities, we will complete our frozen embryo transfers. In a lot of ways, these embryos feel like a weight. And that's totally not fair; I know. They are our children, long awaited for, fought for, prayed for, but it appears that it is very unlikely that we will ever meet them. The doctor confirmed that it is unlikely we will see a bring home baby out of this IVF cycle. And yet, we feel that we must give them a chance. 

When we completed our IVF cycle in January 2014, we paid to keep our embryos frozen for two years. At the time, it seemed like we would not need the full two years. We knew our embryos were lower grades and we figured that even if we got lucky, we'd try for a sibling within two years. But then the first transfer failed. And then the second. And then an entire year passed by. January 2016 will be here quickly. I know that as the months with Garrison just fly by. I feel as if I'm constantly sticking a round sticker on his onesie and exclaiming "another month went by so fast!" We have a few months to decide what to do, but the decision is (as always) complicated. 

We met with a different doctor for our consult as my doctor was out of the office and we were only in town the one day. This doctor was more of a straight shooter. He agreed that in light of our past transfers and the quality of our frozen embryos, the odds of success with any of our remaining embryos is low. He didn't really bat an eye at our request to transfer all four...that's always a really bad sign. He agreed that the Endometrial Function Test would be a good next step just to rule out any implantation issues. If something came up, he said we'd correct it and then his recommendation would be to transfer two. He agreed that our issue is very likely embryo quality (with a root cause in egg quality) but that if he had proof that there was a problem with my lining, he would be unable to say with certainty that our previous cycles failed because of embryo quality and transferring four would be riskier. However, his bet is that all is normal with my uterus and lining. That's my bet too, but I've never been one to turn down answers. 

And I guess this is where my ideas on family building and next steps are changing. I'm just not sure how much more money I'm willing to throw at my body. There are other ways to build a family, ways that I'm really open to and even excited about. I do believe that given all the money in the world there is likely a doctor out there with enough expertise to help me get pregnant with my own eggs and Sam's sperm. But we don't have all the money in the world, and if I'm being honest, there are other things I'd rather do with money (like pay off student loan debt) than throw darts at $30,000 a toss at a moving dart board with a shrinking bullseye. 

The doctor did mention and agree that this test for my lining (at $1,500) would be valuable information for later transfers, whether that's our embryos or donor embryos. And while IVF may be less and less glamorous to me, embryo adoption still holds a lot of appeal. So we have to decide if we want to do this test. It needs to be completed about 2 cycles before our transfer. We also have to decide if we want to attempt to transfer these embryos before the middle of January (when our payment runs out and we'd need to pay $500). To do the transfer without the test would cost approximately $2,500 including travel and medication. Adding in the test would bump that to about $4,000. That's a TON of money to come up with in 6 months, especially while paying for daycare at the cost of $10,000 a year. Which ultimately brings up the biggest  question: are we ready (and can we afford) another kid? Yes, the cycle is VERY unlikely to succeed, but I can't help feeling negligent if we don't calculate our ability to provide for another child if the cycle were to succeed. 

I have a feeling the answer is no. In fact, I know the answer is no. Daycare alone is almost $1,000 a month, and we don't have $1,000 margin in our budget each month. Will we ever? Absolutely. But in January, no probably not. The wisest thing to do would be to table the "another child" conversation and work diligently to pay off our student loans, start college funds, save for retirement, etc. But fear and doubt always wiggle back in from the depths of my mind when I think about postponing a second child. The doctor so kindly pointed out that "his recommendations would be different if we were having this conversation and I was still young." Gee, thanks. It's interesting that at 28 I was "so young and healthy" but at 29 I'm "no longer young." The clock is admittedly ticking (probably far faster for me as my egg quality already sucks) if we want to try IVF with my own eggs again. But even outside of IVF, I feel the clock ticking. Family building outside of the sheets takes time...lots and lots and lots of time. So do we table it, relishing in our current joy, and continuing to pay to have low quality embryos frozen? Or do we recognize (and maybe even embrace) our circumstances and the ways our family is likely to be built and begin the journey anew with the start of the new year by jumping with both feet back into the TTC game?

I have no answers. Time will tell. 

...................................................

Guys, can you go over to my sweet, sweet friend's blog and give her some love? She just miscarried again and is having a really rough time. My heart is absolutely broken for her. I know she'd appreciate some love and support during these hard days. She was ready (like really ready) to start her long-awaited cycle at CCRM only to discover she was pregnant...surprise. But now it's over and it's so hard to answer the big questions when what appears to be the greatest blessing ends in more despair.

One Year to Decide

Today marks one year since my IVF transfer in Jacksonville. It's not a particularly special moment, not like a due date or anything, but as this day has approached, I've been thinking a lot about next year. January 12, 2016 will mark two years since our first transfer, and more importantly two years since our remaining embryos were frozen for storage. FIRM, the clinic we used for IVF, requires an upfront payment as part of IVF for storage of any unused embryos or eggs. That payment covers two years, so you can see how this time next year becomes important... we're already halfway there (how can that be?!?). Essentially, we will need to either use our remaining embryos by this time next year, pay another storage fee, donate our embryos to another couple, or agree to discard our embryos.

Many couples face this decision at one time or another. It's often once a child (or more) comes home that the couple is faced with this decision. The decision is really personal, and as many posts have been written on this topic, I take it that it's a pretty hard decision for everyone. For us, the decision is already made (in part). We're using our embryos. We simply cannot discard them for moral and ethical reasons. And I also don't think we could donate our embryos, not because we are against embryos donation (we are strongly FOR), but because our embryos are of poor quality. I know if I was going through an organization like Snowflake Embryo Adoption and read our profile, I would scroll right past us. "Four embryos frozen on day 3, all grade 3, and 8, 6, 4, and 3 cells with no live births from the cycle" does not read like a winning profile. These embryos are our responsibility and we take that very seriously.

However, if I'm being honest, I don't really want to shell out another $800 to keep these embryos in storage, so I'm feeling the burden to transfer all of them before this time next year. For one, the embryos aren't a source of hope for me. For some, the thought of having embryos frozen is a source of hope either for another chance at the first bring home baby or a future sibling. But for me, these embryos feel more like a weight, like a duty, like something I have to get back to. And truthfully, the embryos don't feel like a real possibility of a child. I mean day 3, grade 3, and four cells??? That embryo is a full day behind in growth (embryos should reach four cells by day 2) and the cells are also unequal. If you google day 3 embryo grading, you'll find that, transfers are far more successful, no matter what the grade, if the embryo has between 6-10 cells at 72 hours after fertilization. I've got two that fall in that category (frozen in different groups), the other two are very, very, very unlikely to even make it to the blastocyst stage, let alone implant and become a viable pregnancy. But truthfully, none of them feel like a real shot because we've already transferred better embryos, both in grade and cell division, but all have (obviously) failed.

I say all of that to explain, paying for another year of storage doesn't really feel like a wise investment of money. Truthfully, it feels like delaying the inevitable. I'd really like to just bite the bullet and move forward with the FET(s) within the next 365 days. However, as always, finances play a big, big part in the decision making process. A single FET will cost approximately $1,500 not including medications or travel... so it's really more like $2,300. As I mentioned above, our two best chances (which still aren't great) are frozen in separate straws and there's no way to thaw one embryo within a straw... it's all or nothing.

In light of the odds, the costs, and the way in which our embryos are paired, I want to transfer all four at one time. I know that sounds scary, and maybe I'm crazy, but at this moment, it feels right. Dr. Duffy has agreed to it, mostly, I believe, because he's not really all that confident that the three cell embryo even fertilized correctly. He started yammering about meiosis and mitosis and lost me completely during that phone call (biology was so not my thing), but basically, he really feels like it would be a three embryo transfer, which he wanted to do on the original transfer. However, he also wants to do the Endometrial Function Test, before transferring the last of our embryos to ensure that we're providing the best possible environment for implantation. The test costs about $600 by itself, and then there are the additional costs of performing a mock cycle, the biopsy, and the overnight shipment of the sample. I'm guessing it'll round out at about $1,000. If I'm going to go through the expense and trouble of the EFT and the biopsy, I figure I might as well do the E-tegrity test (the one CCRM requires) at the same time if possible. That test is another $600, but if I could get the biopsy in the same cycle, I'd save some money in the long run.

I'll be honest and say I don't know exactly what the future holds for us in terms of family building (who's shocked?). If I had to make a plan today, I'd say that we'd complete this domestic adoption (please God), then we'd transfer our four embryos. If that fails, which it likely will (just being real), I think I'll be ready to jump back into TTC. I don't know which way we'll go though: IVF with my own eggs, IVF with donor eggs, or donor embryos. My hunch is that due to financial circumstances, we'll go the donor embryo route.

When I think about the expense of the tests in terms of the future, be that another round with my own eggs, donor eggs, or donor embryos, the tests don't seem to be so extreme. While I don't know that the outcome one way or another will change the chances for these four embryos, it will certainly be good information to have going forward... and I'm still confident that there will be a forward. I still believe that we will pursue a pregnancy in one way or another, even after adoption. And I imagine if we went the donor embryo route, the donors would probably be pleased to hear that my uterus is nice and cushy and full of the appropriate proteins. Maybe they'd be more likely to pick us and take a risk on us even though we haven't achieved a pregnancy.

All of that to say that, best case scenario appears to be that we complete one final Hail Mary transfer with our remaining embryos in Jacksonville before officially closing the door on that chapter forever. However, I'm completely stumped where the $4,000 will come from between now and then. I mean, it's not like we're shoveling all available money towards an adoption or anything like that, right? Oh well, I guess we've got a year to decide and figure it out.

It's Time

I imagine we all have special relationships within this community. For one reason or another, some just burrow down deep into our hearts. Time, and distance, and course of treatment don't affect the relationship. You can be adopting in Georgia and she can be doing donor eggs via a gestational carrier in Colorado and it doesn't change a thing. I've had many of those friendships find me throughout this infertility journey. Every single woman behind every single blog has meant so much to me, but there are always some who are forever a part of my story. One of those women for me is Suzanne.

It was a late night in September 2013. Suzanne and I had been texting throughout the evening. She was really worried about her donor, "Goose, " and her response to stims. Things were going much slower than expected and we were all very worried about a cancelled cycle. I remember riding down Broad Street with my husband when the strangest words came out of my mouth: "I want Suzanne to get this [a baby] more than I want it for us." It sounded weird, but as I talked it out with him, I kept coming to the same conclusion. I wanted a baby with every fiber of my being, but there were some ladies who I had grown to love deeply over the years who just, I don't know "deserved" it more. That's not really the right word... reproduction is a basic faculty of humanity... we all "deserve" to have that work correctly, in between the bed sheets and not under paper ones or in a lab. So that's not the word, but I don't know what is... I just knew that I really, really, REALLY needed this to work for these special friends. I detailed the absolutely overwhelming circumstances that Aubrey and Suzanne and other friends were up against at that time and explained that they were so brave, so strong, so deserving. That I just needed this to work… it would be a healing force to my faith.

Thankfully, just a few months later, Aubrey got THE BEST NEWS EVER. I got the news from Aubrey while sitting in a Georgia Basketball game… I'll never forget it. As I read her news, tears streamed down my cheeks. This was exactly what I had wanted for her… the tears were 100% pure joy! If Suzanne could just transfer and bring home a baby, if Erika could bring home her daughter, all would somehow be right with the wold. But all was not right… as we've all seen, things go right for one person, and terribly horribly wrong for others with no rhyme or reason. Aubrey's good news was not the catalyst for more for my other sweet friends. Since then, the tears I've shed for Suzanne have not been for joy. They have been for frustration. For heart ache. For anger. The last year has not been kind to Suzanne. Thankfully her egg donor rallied after that night and some beautiful embryos were created from her precious gift of eggs. I thought I would be hearing similarly incredible news from Suzanne when I heard about her six embryos, but the months since then have been filled with more and more bad news.

I think I've cried just as many tears over her journey as my own. I mean, take a second and go read her TTC Timeline tab. Suzanne and I started trying to conceive just months apart... May 2011 for me and July 2011 for Suzanne. I stand here today, 44 months into the longest, hardest, battle of my life and I'm exhausted. I feel discouraged. I feel broken. I'm just so tired.... but I haven't been through one fraction of what Suzanne has. Natural BFPs, miscarraige, ectopics, oral meds, injectable medications, IUIs, failed IVF, donor eggs, scarred cervix, Asherman's Syndrome, failed FET... She's been through it all. I know Suzanne has felt as if the stars always align against her on 10,000 occasions. Can you blame her? I mean, gah, that's just crazy you guys. But Suzanne has been SO strong though all of this. She has never once heard bad news and let it crush her. She's been knocked down so many times, but every. single. time. she and her husband find a way, come up with a plan, push forward. Theres is a beautiful story of strength in the face of adversity. And through it all, no matter what she had going on in her own life, Suzanne was cheering me on, sending me gifts, being a true friend. And I know many of you have felt the same love and support for her. When she had every right to turn inward and be bitter and not care about others, she chose to love and support and cheer for her friends.

But you guys, it's time for that story to have a happy ending. Today, thanks to her incredible surrogate, K, Suzanne will have the opportunity to place two of her beautiful embryos into a healthy uterus. You guys, my heart my actually explode from pure joy. If I could reach K right now, I'd wrap her up in the biggest hug, and squeeze her tight. Her gift means so much to me. This year has been such a good year for so many of my precious friends. Well over half of my infertile sisters have crossed that illustrious line this year and they are now celebrating the holidays with beautiful, snugly, chubby cheeked little ones. There would be absolutely no better way to cap off this year than a positive pregnancy test for Suzanne. Today is step one. Join with me in praying for a successful transfer today and a long 40 weeks of pregnancy to follow. It's time.

Hop on over to Suzanne's blog and give her some love and support today. Send her an email. Shoot her a text. Let her know that we love her, we're proud of her, and we're rooting for her and and her husband every step of the way.

Where We Sit

My mind is a swirly mess of deep thoughts these days. Between preparing to close on our first home, researching adoption, researching CCRM, and discussing our remaining four embryos, it all just feels like a mess of BIG stuff. One day I think I'm on top of it, and the next it just feels overwhelming again. Today is one of the latter days.

As far as the house goes, believe it or not, I think this might work out. If I'm still supposed to be terrified of it all falling through, I guess I just don't know any better. Our offer has been accepted by the seller, we've submitted all of the loan paperwork, the house appraised for a sufficient amount... it just feels like the boxes have been checked. But, we don't close for another three weeks, which feels like forever... I'm guessing there is still stuff to be done that I don't know about yet. But you guys, the house is so cute! I can't wait to post photos. It has an adorable little backyard with a great space for entertaining. The yard is currently in need of a little TLC, but worst case scenario, I'll just pay Erika to come lovingly sing to my brown grass. Buying a home is a complicated process with a lot of steps that I'd never heard of, but I'm just hoping that we've dotted enough Is and crossed enough Ts that it's not all going to fall apart now.

As far as adoption goes, we're still researching. We're still talking to adoptive parents. I'm still reading. But truth be told, we're feeling pretty good about adoption. I'm still not sure that I'd say we've been called to adopt, but maybe it's enough that we simply want to adopt. We've got a couple of meetings scheduled in the next several weeks with a few adoption agencies and adoption professionals to ask all of our (8 million) questions. We think we know who we want to go with, but I of course need to do a little due diligence to make sure.  You may remember that I have commitment issues when it comes to stuff like this. We're getting there though, and I know that, because my biggest issues swirl around ethical concerns (knowing we're working with an ethical agency) rather than attachment concerns (worrying about loving an adopted child).

As far as CCRM goes, oh man, I don't know. I'd love to go to CCRM and have all our dreams come true*. I'd love to cycle one more time, and finally get to experience a pregnancy. But I'm just not sure I can do it. Do I want to? Yes. Should I? I don't know. The money is a HUGE deal... CCRM would be $30,000 easy... more likely $35,000ish after all is said and done. That's for one more IVF cycle. That doesn't include the costs accrued if the first transfer fails... assuming that we have embryos to freeze, it would be several thousand more dollars for each attempt at a transfer. Are children worth that price tag? Absolutely. Is the chance of better eggs yielding better embryos ending in a successful pregnancy worth that? I don't know. I guess it would come down to what that chance is... 90% definitely, 70% maybe, 50% ummm, 30% probably not, 10% definitely not. Julia brought up some great points a few weeks ago. She said the success of CCRM is in their lab, and their Comprehensive Chromosome Screening (CCS) increases their success rates. Something like 80% of women using their own eggs do CCS at CCRM. After the testing, CCRM only transfers genetically normal embryos, which means that in at least 80% of the transfers, CCRM transfers genetically normal embryos... no wonder they have such good success rates. I say all of this not to detract in any way from the quality or caliber of CCRM, but rather to suggest that without knowing the success rates of the 20% or so who don't do CCS, we really don't know what our odds might be without the tests… maybe it would be 40% rather than 77%.  If Sam and I are unwilling to do CCS testing (which is still debatable, but seems unlikely) then I'm not sure that CCRM can help us any more than FIRM or RBA or any other clinic.  BUT, I definitely still need to talk with a doctor there and get some questions answered before we decide to close the IVF door forever.

And as to our four remaining embryos in Florida, well, things are just confusing. I had a phone consult with Dr. Duffy to discuss our next steps today. Sam and I discussed it before the consult and decided that we're really only interested in pursuing an FET as a next step if we can transfer all four. Dr. Duffy didn't think it was a terrible idea since it's still debatable whether we even have four embryos (that 3 cell is questionable). However, he highly recommended the Endometrial Function Test that he mentioned last time before moving ahead. He still feels like we have a significant chance with our remaining embryos and his words were, "I wouldn't want you to waste them all on a transfer without knowing the quality of your uterus." Ughhhhhh. Can I just admit that I don't want to drag this out any longer? The EFT requires a mock cycle and a biopsy... after it's all said and done, I'm guessing it would be an additional $1,000. But I feel awful about even considering the transfer without the test if he thinks it's that big of a deal. I certainly don't want to risk our embryos in an environment that they can't survive in. But if I'm being abundantly honest, I just don't have much hope for the embryos we have left... healthy uterus or other wise. The EFT feels like simply prolonging the inevitable to me, but Dr. Duffy seems to disagree. I'm not sure what would happen if I pressed the issue, but I got the feeling today that he'd refuse to transfer all four embryos if we don't do the EFT. And I really can't see transferring two more embryos again... not 3 cell and 6 cell grade 3 embryos.

So that's where we sit... in a jumbled mess of BIG decisions. I have no idea where we should go from here. When people ask how I'm doing, I reply "fine," but that's code for tired. Next month marks three years of trying to conceive and I am exhausted. I feel physically broken and mentally confused, but ultimately I'm just tired. I know that there are a ton of couples who have been at this so much longer than we have... five, six, seven years. The thought of three more years like this is more than my mind can handle. I was not made for the marathon... endurance has never been my thing. But onward we will go because what else can we do? And though I don't feel confident in this moment, I do feel confident that we will resolve this, we will research and wrestle until we feel confident. The big mess will eventually whittle down into a recognizable something and we will move forward from here. I may not know where we're headed exactly, but I'm sure that we are on a journey somewhere.

*By looking into CCRM, I'm not suggesting that an adopted child would be second best or that we wouldn't feel as if our dreams came true through adoption. IVF at CCRM is simply an option, and one that would allow us to experience a pregnancy. We're researching options, but that doesn't mean that we aren't excited about the idea of adoption.

Hard Choices

For the sake of simplicity in this post, I'm dividing our next steps into two groups: group 1- we both (Sam and I) have a genetic relationship, and group 2- one and/or both of us do not have a genetic relationship with our child.

I'm currently struggling with our next steps. Unfortunately, I don't even really know what I want, which makes it particularly hard to agree (or disagree) with Sam about any of it. Every time I try to talk about any of the options, I start to cry. I'm feeling particularly vulnerable at the moment and all possible plans make me feel even more so. But I like to have plans, so I continue to think through them even if it's uncomfortable.

There are things that I like and don't like about each of the possible plans. I like that domestic infant adoption feels quick(ish)… it's certainly not a guarantee, but the possibility is there. I like that IVF gives me the potential to overcome infertility. I like that donor embryos is a cheap less expensive option. But with all the plans that fall into group 2 (donor egg, donor embryo, domestic and international adoption) I have a couple of things that I really don't like, a couple of things that I'm afraid of and can't seem to work through.

I've said several times before that adoption has always been a part of my family building plan. In my teens and early twenties, my dream was for 4-5 biological children first and then 1-2 adopted children, specifically via international adoption. To say I had a rose colored glasses view of adoption would be an understatement. I had never heard of adoption scams, or stealing infants from hospitals. I would never have dreamed that there was an underground rehoming network taking place in my own country. Adoption just seemed beautiful: it was all about rescue and redemption. I never thought I might need adoption in order to have a family, so it seemed almost ministerial rather than simply family building. 

My view of adoption has slowly changed. I'm honestly a little afraid of adoption. I'm afraid of getting in over my head, of unknowingly contributing to crime, of separating a child from his/her first family unnecessarily. In no way do I mean to say that adoption is bad. I have many, many friends who have or are currently adopting. I've seen adoption work. I've seen adoption be beautiful just like I imagined. But I've also heard things that make me nervous, things that seem to freeze my feet in place. 

My greatest fear with adoption seems to be spreading into all forms of family building that don't have a genetic connection, essentially all plans in group 2. My greatest fears center around the third party... the biological mother and/or father. Whether you want to admit it or not, adoption, donor embryo, and donor egg/sperm all have a third party involved. The fact that I would not have a genetic reflection in the face of my child isn't what I'm afraid of... looking at my child and not seeing high cheekbones or thick brown hair doesn't frighten me. What scares me is how the third party (or lack there of) might affect my child. How not knowing anything about his biological mom might forever leave a giant hole in his life. It seems to be a nonissue for some kids and a giant deal for others… I'm not sure if the difference is in the children or how they are raised.

In donor egg/sperm situations there is almost always no information available. In some instances, the couple receiving the eggs only knows height, weight, hair and eye color, and education level. Other than that, they simply know the donor passed whatever sort of preliminary tests required of donors. Unlike is most adoptions, even once the child turns 18, there is simply no additional information to provide the child… she will never know more about the woman who helped create her. The lack of information is typically to protect the donor from a child/children hunting for her years later. I don't think this eliminates donor eggs for us, but it's certainly something to think about, something to prepare for, something to process.

If the fear of raising a child who feels like a giant piece is missing from her life due to the lack of information frightens us, it seems that our next steps should be some form of open adoption or open embryo donation. But the moment I hear "open" an entire new set of fears arise.  I'm not sure if it makes me insecure or shallow but the idea of my child knowing and/or seeing his biological parents scares the dickens out of me. My dream of parenting never included a third party... the "adoption triad" as it's called. I understand why it's often the best situation for the child, but oh my heart. I'm not sure if I'm mature enough to handle that dynamic... I imagine I would forever be jealous of any connection my child might have with his/her biological parents. Meeting up at a park or inviting them to birthday parties scares me... and not simply because our parenting styles might be different or they might not be people I'd naturally choose for my child to hang out with. My biggest fear is that my child would prefer them over me. (insecure much?)

I can literally hear it ring in my ears, "you're not my mom." She might scream it as she turns, flouncing her hair, and slamming her bedroom door. The words probably came following a fight about boys or make-up. I'm pretty sure I said equally mean and hurtful things to my parents growing up, but that phrase might just rip my heart out if I ever hear it. It might be my biggest fear about losing the genetic connection with my kid(s). I certainly don't want to raise kids who feel incomplete, but I'm also afraid of allowing the biological parents into our lives. I'm afraid of how the third party would change my relationship with my child. It all just feels scary and foreign in ways I wasn't prepared to feel until group 2 was really right in front of me.

All of these thoughts have been swirling around ever since I wrote "Plans G-K". I had asked Sam several weeks ago to start thinking through our options so that we could discuss it soon. We finally talked about how we each feel about the different plans this past weekend. Essentially, I feel like we have six options (not including another FET or living child-free).

1. Expensive IVF: Somewhere with GOOD statistics like CCRM or maybe Advanced Fertility Centers of Chicago
2. Cheap(er) IVF: It would be $1000 less to go back to FIRM (which was already a fraction of the cost) for another round
3. Domestic Adoption
4. International Adoption
5. Donor Eggs
6. Donor Embryos

It should be shocking to no one that Sam and I didn't list our options in the same order. That would make things way too easy.

Sam's list: 3, 5, 6, 1, 4, 2
Amanda's list: 1, 5, 6, 3, 2, 4

Sam likes adoption for two things: he thinks it will be faster and that it's more of a sure thing.
I like IVF with CCRM (or other really good clinics) because it eliminates all of my above fears and allows me another shot at beating infertility (I'm not normally so competitive). International adoption is at the bottom of my list because, if this happens to be the only child we ever have, I don't want to miss having a baby. And I think repeating IVF at FIRM is at the bottom of both of our lists because of my poor response. It just seems dumb to repeat the same thing and hope for different results.

So how do we move forward from here? Obviously, we arm wrestle for it. I think the best move from here is to research each of our top options first. We might have a phone consult at CCRM and go to a few informational meetings at a couple adoption agencies. I've just finished reading Called to Adoption: A Christian's Guide to Answering the Call. I'm on the hunt for other good reads. I don't think we're in a desperate hurry to make up our minds… I'm in a desperate hurry to have a baby, but as all options cost a good chunk of change, it won't be any time soon. We've got time to research and talk and pray… hopefully our next steps will seem clearer to both of us with time. I do think I'll schedule a consult with Dr. Duffy at FIRM in the coming weeks to at least discuss the possibility of transferring all four remaining embryos. If he likes that idea, that may be our next step as it's certainly the cheapest and we'll have fully exhausted our options before moving forward.

Essentially, all of these are good options… there's no bad option here is it brings us a child of our own. But that doesn't mean choosing is easy… these are hard choices to make. These are decisions that I never in my wildest dreams thought we'd be making, not even when infertility was dumped on us. I'm still trying to wrap my mind around the reality of our life. There are moments when I just want to cry, tell God he's completely unfair, and refuse to give up any more than I already have. In those moments I just want a baby without stress or fear, without worry or heartache… I just want it to be simple. But simple it is not. I certainly don't believe the old saying that the Lord won't give us more than we can handle… I think the story of Job pretty clearly disputes that. But I do think wherever He leads me or allows my life to go, He'll see me through. He's allowed infertility to be a part of my life for one reason or another… I have to believe He'll see me to the other side, hard choices and all.

Stuck on Repeat

Well friends, it's another negative. I'd be lying if I said I wasn't sad... super sad. Two more of my embryos died. Two thousand more dollars were spent for another negative. I really don't know what else to say... we tried, we failed (again).

I have absolutely no idea where we need to go from here. I know I'm not ready to kiss the dream goodbye, but I also know that I am so, so tired. I'm so over this season, this journey. Can I have a different story? Even if the grass isn't as green as I imagine it is on the other side, I'm ready to cross over. But how much more do I want to go through? How much of the dream am I willing to give up? Genetics? The pregnancy? The birth? Infancy? Do we move on to the next logical step and simply try IVF again, maybe at a better clinic like CCRM? But what if that fails too? Then what? We'll have spent $30,000 on CCRM... we'll need another $10,000-35,000 to move on to the next, next step. Or should I simply admit that my eggs aren't up to par and skip a second round of IVF? Should we go straight to adoption or donor embryos? I feel overwhelmed by the possibilities, but even more so by all the zeroes following the dollar signs.

We do technically have four (maybe three) frozen embryos. One 8 cell, one 6 cell, one 4 cell, and one 3 cell.... the 3 cell is the questionable one. I don't really understand  enough about meiosis and mitosis and all that stuff to get what my doctor was saying, but essentially, he's not sure that the 3 cell actually has male DNA in it. I know, weird. Essentially he said on Saturday (day two) the egg looked to be unfertilized, so he reported that we had seven embryos. But when we showed up on Sunday, what had looked like an unfertilized egg the day before suddenly had three cells. He's unsure if it successfully fertilized or not... at least, I think that's what he said. The 8 and 4 cell are frozen together and the 6 and the 3 cell make our fourth straw. At this moment, if we did another FET next, I'd want to transfer all four. I can't believe I'm saying that... three months ago transferring three seemed like a terrifying and dumb choice... but that was transfer one and this would be transfer three, with the four worst embryos. The odds have to be incredibly small of a 3 cell, day 3, grade 3 embryo becoming our take home baby. I don't want to toss it, but I just don't feel good about transferring either group alone.

I really don't know which way is forward... all paths thus far just seem to circle us around and around and around. Our story just seems to be stuck on repeat. But ultimately, we have time to figure it out. As we don't have $30,000 in our bank account, we're not ready to move forward with plan G, H, I, J or K. In the mean time, I'm going to let myself cry, take a long, hot bath, and drink a Diet Coke... and there's probably a pint of Ben and Jerry's Salted Caramel Core in my very near future. Other than that, I'm going to look forward to the good things we have ahead: house hunting continues tomorrow and anniversary next Thursday. Life's not all bad... I've got to remember that.

What Will Be

I apologize for the delay in updating after the transfer. I realized yesterday after quite a number of "hey, you okay?" texts and emails that I should probably update, but I didn't. I'm struggling to find much more to say on it other than it happened.

The transfer was pretty boring (which is good) and pretty much exactly like last time. It was interesting to note the similarities between IUI #1 and IVF #1 and then IUI #2 (3 & 4) and FET #1... for both IUI #1 and IVF #1 there was so much suspense, so much drama surrounding the transfer. Ooooo, this could be it. And eekk, what's going to happen? Anxiety level 12 out of 10 for both. And then its over, the sperm are deposited or the embryo is in place and it's like, ughhhh, what a let down. Glad that's over, but I don't feel any different. And I still have to wait, and wait, and wait. The drama should really be reserved for beta day.

I guess that's why we were both pretty chill about the whole thing. Sam and I both kept checking in, "are you nervous?" we asked about twenty times. That morning I woke up, rolled over and asked Sam if he was ready to pick up the kiddos from the daycare (aka, the freezer). I wasn't nervous. At least not until we got there and they called us back to meet with the doctor. When we were there last time, everyone in for a transfer went straight back, no chit chat. So when they called us back to chat, I immediately thought that one or both failed to thaw. And then I felt dumb for not being nervous about the thaw. Luckily, they both survived the thaw. The doctor explained that a successfully thawed cell does two things: it plumps back up nice and full, and it's translucent when light is shined through it. For an embryo (day 3) to successfully pass the thaw, at least half the cells need to do both of those things. Our 9 cell did perfect, 9 for 9. Our 8 cell dropped back to a 7 cell, but the doctor said that was still excellent. So in the end, we transferred two day 3 grade 3 embryos, one 9 cell and one 7 cell.

The transfer itself was fine. I'm still bummed that I don't get photos of the embryos. I'm thinking about writing a letter to Dr. Duffy with my two biggest "complaints". They aren't really complaints, but just things that I was really frustrated about when I found that FIRM does things differently than 90% of the other clinics out there. Number one: I think it's dumb that they don't allow the partners back in the room. The reason feels like it has zero to do with keeping a sterile room, and everything to do with processing the transfers quickly. It's like a mill back there. One person gets a transfer while one or two others change and sign releases. One comes out, another goes in. Despite the fact that the transfer feels very anticlimactic after it's over, I still wish Sam could be part. The second wish would be for photos of the embryos. For some of us, those are the only photos we will every have of our babies. Once they're gone, they're gone, and it's too late.

But all in all, it was a success. We traveled down to Jacksonville on Saturday, watched Georgia lose to Kentucky, walked around the mall, and had a delicious dinner Maggiano's. Sunday morning we completed the transfer and then hit the road. It was an incredibly short trip and super exhausting. Therefore, I took yesterday off to recuperate and rest. I'm not sure that it was incredibly necessary for the embryos as implantation will most likely take place on Thursday or Friday if all goes well. It was nice to catch up on laundry and chill though. I've got one episode left of Revenge, and we caught up on The Walking Dead last night (whoa!). Speaking of laundry, I don't know if the nurse made a mistake but she said not to lift more than three pounds… three pounds?!?! Umm lets see here, Everest (my cat) weighs seven pounds and she's like lifting air. I kept analyzing the laundry… "let's see, four socks, three t-shirts, and a pair of Sam's shorts… that's about three pounds… trip one to the washing machine. One of Sam's hoodies…eek, that's about three pounds too… ehh, just leave it, I don't have time for 1,000 trips to the laundry!" Seriously, three pounds? Who comes up with this stuff? I'm pretty sure my laptop and my purse individually weigh three pounds, and I don't even have 25 lip products like other people (not naming names). I guarantee I've lifted more than three pounds since the transfer and I'm not sure that there's anything to be done about that unless I'm spending the next two weeks in bed with a servant to tend to my every need… which I'm not.

Test day is next Friday, March 28th. If all goes well, super! If it goes like things typically go, I have one week to get over it before our Anniversary… perfect timing. My attitude is kind of "what will be, will be"... I'm not particularly optimistic, but I am feeling slightly more hopeful as is usual post transfer. Ten more days to go.

Frozen Dreams

So today is CD 13, or more importantly the one and only monitoring appointment for my frozen embryo cycle. A frozen embryo cycle is so chill, practically boring compared to IVF. I'm guessing this is what clomid was like, but honestly I can't remember. No actually, clomid was more stressful because I was still worried about timed intercourse and those stupid sticks and "did I hold my bladder long enough?" and "oh my gosh, I have to pee, but I don't have an OPK!!!" Yeah, clomid was more stressful.

I have been so chill throughout this entire cycle... no worries, no stress. I forgot to take my three little blue pills the other morning and couldn't work up enough energy to care. "It'll be what it'll be" is kind of my motto. It's pretty much the complete opposite from "let me eliminate all bad things and eat only good things and rub my tummy and talk to my follicles and, and, and" that was IVF. Instead, I've somehow, unintentionally decided that there's not really much I can do to change the outcome of this. I'm pretty removed from the whole deal.

There was a moment yesterday when I started to stress and worry about today's appointment. I've never done an FET, so I had no idea what my lining would do. Would this pathetic protocol they've got me on of six little blue Estradiol pills a day really be enough to pump up my lining? As I've never been monitored off meds, I have no idea what my lining does all on its own. My worst lining ever was 6.2 and my best was 11.4. I started to worry that my FET might be cancelled and I began to realize that despite being chill and feeling uninvolved, I really do want to have the transfer. I just need to complete this transfer. Yes, I'll still have four more embryos, but the chance of success with either of the other straws is significantly less than with this straw. I need to complete this transfer so I can officially start thinking next steps. It feels like our future is frozen right now. The answers sit frozen in tiny straws in Jacksonville. They will either be our bring home babies, or we have more road ahead of us. Either way, I'm just ready to know. And ultimately, I just need to be doing something. Doing nothing feels miserable and makes me into an anxious, whiny, irritable person.

The monitoring today went well. I drove into Gainesville as neither of the hospitals in Athens could process Estradiol labs same day (lame). The ultrasound technician at the OB's office was a sweetheart... I'm sure she's used to monitoring baby bumps and all that kind of fun stuff, but she showed a genuine interest in my cycle and wished me luck. She reported that my lining was over 9mm... that's all I really cared about. I hit the car and let the tears fall... God, I want this. There's such a lovely, fluffy, squishy little home just waiting for those embryos. And I know they're subpar in terms of grading, but they're mine, and I LOVE them. I just want them to come home.

We're what feels like 2,000 milestones away from either of those sweet embryos coming home. They have to thaw well, the transfer has to succeed, they have to grow to blastocysts, they have to implant, they have to continue to grow... all of that before we even get to the pregnancy test, at which point we'll still have 1,995 milestones left to go. We're soooo far away, but for some reason hearing that my lining was lovely just made it feel like we're a teensy bit closer. Endometrial lining has really never been the issue for me (only on clomid), so I know we still have the REALLY BIG hurdles left to go, but man, I really, really want to succeed. I'm tired. I've run this race. I've fought the good fight. I'm so ready for this to be over. We're rapidly approaching three years of actively trying, most of which have been in the care of a Reproductive Endocrinologist. These have not been idol years... we've saved, we've prayed, we've tested everything (well almost), we've moved step by step through each of the procedures... I'm so tired and I know Sam is too. I just want to move on with our lives. God, I really, really want this to work.

I've already heard back from my nurse at the RE's office and she reported that my blood work is "great" and she's confident we're moving forward. I'm waiting to hear when I'll start the antibiotic and the Crinone (yuck). We're set to head to Jacksonville Saturday morning. I'm not sure exactly what time the transfer will be on Sunday, but I'm sure I'll hear some time today. Unfortunately we have to drive back after the transfer on Sunday. With Sam's job, we really can't take the extra days, but I'm planning to relax and rest the whole way back. And then the long two week wait will commence once again.

That's about it for now. I'll be sure to update after the transfer. In the mean time, head over to Julia's blog. Today is beta number two following donor eggs at CCRM. And check-in with Suzanne. Tomorrow is a BIG DAY and we're hoping Suzanne has a lovely, fluffy, squishy lining of her own. And please don't forget Holly. Let her know you're thinking about her as the due date of Brinly and Jude is Saturday.

On the Calendar

Well, it appears that IVF somehow brought my body as close to "normal" in terms of cycle length as I've ever been… strange. January's post-failed IVF cycle was 28 days. That never happens. I was expecting to start some time this week, but instead I started last Thursday night. My nurse said to call Friday CD 1 though as I needed to start Estradiol on the first day. So it's official, I'm less than two weeks away from a Frozen Embryo Transfer. Odd. After all the fuss with IVF, an FET feels pretty boring.

We're still not 100% sure exactly what we're doing with the embryos, growing all six to day 5, or transferring the best two on day 3. If I had to say today, we're transferring an 8 cell and a 9 cell embryo on day 3. My doctor really hasn't given much direction on this, but based on the comments from the IVF Nurse Coordinator, this seems like the wisest route. Basically she said if we really want to transfer something, it's our best bet as the doctor isn't sure that we'd even get a blast if we grew all six to day 5. Talk about a confidence booster.

Which pretty much sums up my feelings on the subject… I'm in need of a major confident boost. I know that there's a chance of success, and I know that once they transfer the embryos, I will have glimmers of hope no matter what, but going into this, I just can't really scrounge up a lot of "this is it" and "it's our time" type feelings. This feels more like the next step we have to take before we can move on to whatever the next, next step is. It essentially feels like a waste of money, time, and energy, but I simply can't discard or even leave those embryos behind. I said I'd give them all a chance and I feel required to do just that. So that's what we're going to do: we're going to give our next best two embryos, both graded 3 due to fragmentation of cells, a chance.

In the mean time, I don't know if I should feel pleased that I'm cool, calm, and unconcerned because this big weight of hope is missing or if I should feel terrible for a lack of faith, both in my God and my babies. I mean I fully believe that He can show up and do mighty things to bring one or both of these embryos home to me, I'm just not so sure that He will. If that's a lack of faith, well then call it what it is, but that's where I sit. I fully believe that Jesus can do ANYTHING, I'm just not sure if He'll choose to do the ONE THING I'm asking.

In the mean time though, I've racked my brain for hours trying to think of some success stories from day 3 grade 3 embryos… this is the time when you can tell me all those "my brother's fiancé's sister's best friend" stories. Really, lay them on me. I can't seem to really even find all that many ladies in my community with day 3 embryos… there are a few, but the grades are better. And that's kind of where my head is these days. I hear a success story, but then immediately think, "but she had day 5 embryos, and the doctor doesn't think mine will even make it to day 5, let alone the nursery". Or I'll read a story of a positive beta from day 3 embryos, but then my mind goes to, "but she had grade 1 or 2 embryos… they were pretty much perfect". When I call the clinic, even the nurses are always shocked to read the file that says day 3 embryos. "Oh, I just assumed you'd have blasts, honey; you're so young," they say, "I'm sorry." Yeah, me too lady, me too.

So that's where we are. I'm doing a lining and estrogen level check locally next Wednesday. If everything looks good, Sam and I will head to Jacksonville Saturday for a Sunday morning transfer. My protocol seems really wimpy and pathetic next to everyone else's extensive list of medications for an FET, so I'm just hoping that these teeny little blue pills are, in fact, doing something fabulous with my lining.

Send me your success stories friends! The FET is on the calendar for March 16th. I've got 12 days to get my head on straight regarding this transfer.

Thinking Thoughts

Ummm, yeah so some parts of Georgia may have slightly overreacted after the last snow storm. Today brings "wave 1" of Snowpocalypse 2.0 which means that it's currently snowing sleeting raining here in Athens. But hey, I can use a good rain day. In everyone's defense, it's all about the temperature. I talked to my mom this morning who lives about 30 miles northwest of me and she said it's snowing (and sticking) like crazy, so I guess it's all about the temperature in your area. Sad trombones for us here in Athens. Hoping "wave 2" packs a slightly more serious punch when it comes through tonight. If it's going to be cold and gross, it better snow buckets!

Anyway, the real purpose of this post is not to update you on the Georgia weather… I'm pretty sure the national news is waiting with baited breath to see us look like idiots again anyway. No, of slightly more importance than the rain/sleet/snow falling from the sky, is the follow up consultation I had yesterday. It would be better classified as a "follow up chat" because it lasted a total of twelve minutes and I didn't get to consult him about anything. Mm hmm, you read that right. I managed to get together an entire page of questions and I got to ask exactly one of them, and I got zero answers for my hard work. Ughhhh.

Essentially, Dr. Duffy apologized for our failed cycle several times, which I guess is nice, but I don't know, it just seemed like a waste… lets move on, especially if I only have twelve minutes of your time. He also said that he didn't want us to give up after this one IVF which kind of let me see the writing on the wall… he doesn't think we'll be successful from the FET(s). He said he'd like to add in growth hormone to our next IVF cycle. I was kind of thrown for a loop… I was thinking different protocol or something like that, but he thinks the biggest issue with the cycle was not my response to meds (I do) but oocyte quality (and that too), so growth hormone should help. He then spent several minutes trying to explain why I shouldn't be upset that we didn't use growth hormone for the first cycle because "no one would have predicted a woman at my age, and with my AMH would have poor quality eggs"… umm, I'm pretty sure I predicted that, but whatever.

The only two things he said regarding the FET is that he wants me to discuss two things with Sam. A- doing a day 3 transfer of our two best vs thawing and growing all six to day 5. And B- doing an Endometrial Function Test before doing the FET. Both of those things kind of caught me off guard. As to growing the embryos to day 5, why would we do that when he recommended a day 3 earlier? And why would we expect grade 3 embryos to make it to day 5? I'm just confused about that… I'm thinking about it like he requested, but I'm not sure what I'm supposed to think. As to the EFT, it was so out of left field. I'd specifically asked about the E-tegrity test (the Beta 3 integrin biopsy that CCRM uses) at our first consultation and he said there was no need, but now he's wondering about uterine quality… why? Have mercy, but if we have to overcome egg quality and a hostile uterine environment, we should give up now. I can't imagine how many cycles or how many transfers it would take to get everything just right with both of those issues in affect…. more than we have money for, that's for sure.

So essentially, I'm thinking, thinking a lot. I'm just not sure what I'm supposed to think about any of this. My one question that I managed to slide in before he ended our phone conversation was "what are our chances with any of the transfers?" He refused to answer with anything other than, "our current clinic success rate for FETs is about 40%"…. umm, so not helpful. I'm beyond frustrated and beyond confused. Where do we go from here?

I think the snow rain day calls for a little break from all of this thinking though… off to take Erika's recommendation and catch up on Revenge.

Plan G-K

Our Plan A went out the window a long time ago... we all know that. It was just over two years ago that we moved onto Plan B also known as Clomid, but it seems ages ago... like seriously, lightyears ago. But it is what it is; plans change and we have to adapt and change with them. When one door closes, you can either try to pry it open, or you can move onto the next one.

My dear sweet husband has calmed my ever increasing anxiety over our FET by reminding me that it won't, in fact, take half a year or more to save up the funds. I completely forgot in my absolute panic that we take money directly out of my check each month and place it into our health savings account... $500 to be exact. Add in the fact that Uncle Sam owes us big time, and well, the FET isn't too far away after all.

Speaking of tax refunds: whoa friends, itemizing medical expenses is about as much fun as a root canal. Seriously, it took us all weekend to do our taxes. And while we are getting a pretty decent refund, it was also immensely depressing to see where all of our money went last year. In case you didn't know, if you spend a large chunk of change on medical expenses, you can choose to claim those as deductions if you itemize your taxes. And by large chunk of change I really mean it. You used to be able to claim medical expenses if you spent over 7.5%, but of course that recently went up to 10%. I don't understand tax jargon, but the 10% is based off of your adjusted gross income... whatever that is. Sooo, all of this is to say that we spent almost 40% (37% to be exact) of our income on medical expenses in 2013. And no, I did not have chemotherapy, a boob job, or get a lung transplant. Nope, that's 99.9% infertility treatments and testing. Lovely. Oh, and that doesn't actually include our entire IVF... everything that we paid for after December 31, 2013 doesn't count towards that total... we're just getting a jump on next year's tax return. But like I said, at least there is a refund with our name on it. It won't make up for not having infertility coverage, not by a long shot, but at least it's something.

Anyway, moving on. The FET will (fingers crossed) be my next cycle... which should start the first week of March. If not, then I'm certainly hopeful it will be the next cycle. But as I've said before, I can't get too excited about the frozen embryo transfers. Not with day 3, grade 3 embryos... it feels like a long shot at best. To keep myself from spiraling into the abyss that is "woe is me" I'm trying to look into some backup plans incase IVF and all subsequent FETs are a bust for us. I know that the research doesn't actually do anything, but it eases my mind just a bit to feel like there's a plan. If I focus all my energy and hope into these precious embryos that struggled for just three days of life, I will fall into despair at the mere suggestion that they will fail. But if there is a backup plan, failure doesn't seem quite as hopeless. Make sense? No, I didn't think so.

So what would be next for us after these FETs? I feel like we've been here before... in fact, I'm pretty much sure of it. "The plan" was to do one IVF, if the IVF failed (which it did) we would systematically move through the available FETs. If all of those failed (which they might) we would move on to adoption. Eeek! Screech! Bang! That's me putting the breaks on. Six months ago I was ready to dive into adoption. But I suddenly feel anxious when I think about adoption... I've got to sort through my feelings on this before I can definitively say that it is our next step. I've got to think this through a little bit. And wouldn't you know, Mr. I Don't Know How I Feel About Adoption, is ready to move forward. But suddenly, adoption seems very scary, very foreign, and very overwhelming to me. I can't explain why exactly, it just does. But I'm not eliminating it, it's definitely still an option, it's just... there are other options.

Typically, lists start with A or 1, but let's be real... none of these are our first option for our first baby. We'll start with G, that seems about right.

Plan G: CCRM... I know, I just said one fresh IVF. One and done, that was our deal. Whoever said IVF was addicting... they were right. A small piece of me doesn't want to give up the dream of our baby inside of me. A bigger piece of me wants to beat infertility. Like knockout style. I don't want to go out on a losing note. Is that reason enough to haul our butts all the way across the country to a place where I will most assuredly be unhappy (I get the feeling CCRM and I won't get along) on the chance that they can do better with the dreadful eggs my body offers up? I guess that's to be determined. Cost for IVF at CCRM approx $26,000… not including travel.

Plan H: Donor embryos. For some reason, donor embryos have been on my mind a lot lately. I love the thought that I can save someone's embryos from being trashed. I don't love the thought that we might be buying embryos of poor quality. I know that you know the grades going in, but let's be really honest: those embryos are another infertile couples' leftovers. Everyone works through their embryos best to worst, so it is safe to assume that any remain embryos are the poorer quality of the bunch. I'm sure some are excellent and destined to be beautiful children, but some are most likely not. However, donor embryos is significantly cheaper than many other options, so it's probably the most feasible for us. In addition, it gives us the added bonus of experiencing a pregnancy. Admittedly, this is probably a little more important to me than Sam, but I think a pregnancy would be special to him too. Cost for donor embryos approx $6,000-10,000.

Plan I: Donor eggs. This would essentially solve our two greatest desires for Sam and I... genetic connection for him, pregnancy experience for me... at a cost. A significant one at that. I think the most likely scenario for us would be to return to RBA and use their My Egg Bank program with frozen donor eggs. The cost is significantly less than a fresh donor egg cycle, but you only get 6 eggs... scares the dickens out of me. Cost for frozen donor eggs approx $16,000-18,000. Cost for fresh donor eggs approx $30,000.

Plan J: International adoption. It was always part of my dream. And maybe it still is. I don't know. I think I kind of had a rose colored glasses type of perspective on international adoption. I still think it's beautiful, I'm just not sure how to ensure it's beautiful rather than painful, violent, or heartbreaking. Jen Hatmaker's series on international adoption opened my eyes and I can't close them back. And there's the price tag, and the hurdles like: we're not 30, and we haven't been married 10 years, or another 800 things some of the countries require... I don't know if we'd even be accepted into an agency at this time. And lastly, at least for our first child (looking like only) I really just want a baby, not an 18 month old, not a four year old, a baby. Cost for international adoption approx $25,000-40,000.

Plan K: Domestic Adoption. Again, the blinders are fully off. I've known quite a few people who experienced failed adoptions last year... it's not as simple as it looks. And if I'm being abundantly honest, I'm kind of afraid of what it would feel like to raise a child who wants to know their "real mom"... I'm afraid I'd constantly have to compete with "the other mom". And we're quite a number of steps between now and bringing home an infant via adoption... no social worker would clear us in our current living arrangements. So a house or a much nicer rental location is required before we could even start the process. Cost for domestic adoption approx $30,000.

So like I said: when one door closes, you can either try to pry it open, or you can move onto the next one…. we haven't decided which plan we're going with. We might try to pry open the stubborn door of IVF with our own eggs and sperm, or we might move on to a different door. And who knows, we might circle around the doors a few times knocking to see if there's a bring home baby behind one. But for now, I guess we're focusing on FET #1… and researching on the side just in case.

Moving On

First of all, I just have to say thank you all so much for your comments from the last post. I guess maybe we all feel that way now and then… good to know. I got a ton of emails from ladies who don't blog but just felt that they had to share that they too had felt that way. Bless you all. I'll never take for granted the physical, in real life friends that I've been blessed with… there's nothing like a real hug. But just in case there was any doubt, Tuesday's comments sealed the deal… infertile sisters, you are my people. Infertility has molded me and changed me until I am a different person, and anyone who hasn't walked this road will never understand me, not really. It is a beautiful thing to know and be known. So thank you all for not hating me for the truth, the truth that sometimes I'm a wee bit jealous.

In case you've been living under a rock, or maybe you live in a county other than the US (I think I have a few Canadian, Australian and Russian readers), the South was hit with Snowpocalypse 2014, on Tuesday. Which means we got between trace amounts and, oh, about four inches of snow. Athens got the good part, the part that gets you out of work but not stuck for 10+ hours in your car. Have mercy. I'm the first to admit that Southerners are hilarious when it comes to snow. Like A snowflake falls and they all lose their minds, rush to the store and buy milk and bread… if I'm snowed in, I don't even want milk and bread. And really, do you mean to tell me that if by some miracle you really are trapped in your home for, I don't know, 36 hours, that you don't already have enough food to survive? So yeah, admittedly, Southerners have plenty of reasons to be made fun of in terms of Winter weather response. Tuesday was not one of those times. Atlanta and the surrounding areas failed miserably to respond appropriately, leaving thousands of people stuck on the interstates for hours. I can't even tell you how many people took to Facebook to find shelter for loved ones who ran out of gas or literally could not get past traffic accidents to get home. It was insane.

Meanwhile, the Greavus both made it home to share in a glorious day of nothing on Wednesday. Seriously, I didn't even get out of my pajamas until 6 o'clock (in the evening) and the only reason I did was because Sam wanted to go to the UGA basketball game. Then I came home and got back in my pajamas. Thank you snow. It was literally just what I needed. I wish I could say that after the day off I'm refreshed and ready to move on, but I'm not. Not really. I took the ultrasound photo of our two embryos being placed into my uterus off the refrigerator this morning…. I sobbed my eyes out. In addition to random outbursts of tears, I'm dealing with rage. Like fire breathing, steam boiling, RAGE. Like don't ask me for anything, or come in my personal space, or look at me the wrong way or I'm liable to rip your head off, RAGE. I'm 99% sure that this has to do with the loss of all of the hormones… everything plummeted along with my mood. At least that's what I'm telling myself. The only other option is that I'm possessed. I'm hoping that with the onset of a new cycle, the hormones will level out and life will continue at a slightly less volatile state. And hopefully I don't do any permanent damage before things return to normal.

Several of you have asked what our plans are for moving forward. Do we have frozen embryos? How many? What quality? When will we go back? Unfortunately, the news isn't that good in terms of our remaining embryos. I finally got the nerve to call and find out exactly what the grades are and well, I kind of wish I hadn't. If I was struggling to drum up enthusiasm over an FET before, I'm definitely going to struggle now. Here's the down low:

We had 18 visible follicles via ultrasound before retrieval.
Only 13 eggs were retrieved. (at least 5 follicles were empty)
Only 8 eggs were mature. (5 eggs were immature)
We transferred 2, grade 2, 8 and 12 cell embryos on day 3.
We have 6 embryos frozen on day 3 in groups of 2.
Group 1: grade 3, 9 and 8 cells
Group 2: grade 3, 8 and 4 cells
Group 3: grade 3, 6 and 3 cells

I know the grading part doesn't make a ton of sense. The grading system for day 3 embryos is confusing, even for people who understand blastocyst grades. It's so different. Essentially our first two (the two we transferred) were our best. They were both on track or ahead as far as cell division, all of the cells were the same size, and there was only minor fragmentation. Our remaining six embryos are either on track or behind in terms of growth, but the cells are not the same size, and there is some fragmentation. Day 3 embryos are supposed to have between 6 and 10 cells. Obviously, the 3 and 4 cell embryos are very behind. I honestly don't know what our chances are with any of the possible transfers. Maybe Dr. Duffy will have some insight at our follow up consultation.

As to when we will go back for our embryos, well, I really can't say. Unfortunately, everything about our time in Florida proved to be more expensive than we had planned. We spent every last penny in our IVF account and then some. So we're back at the saving up dimes and nickels stage again. I'm predicting it will cost us about $2,500 for a FET, including medications and travel. So as to when we'll have $2,500 to go again… your guess is as good as mine.

I'm in a hurry only because I'm ready to move on. I have never been more ready to move past this season of life. I'm officially tired of putting X, Y, and Z on hold for years (and years, and years) all because of infertility. If IVF in Florida with our own eggs and sperm is not going to lead to our take home baby, well I'm ready to know that so that we can move on. I really have no clue what out next, next steps would be... how long it would take... how much it would cost. I'm still trying to wrap my head around $2,500 at the moment. So yeah, we're moving on... ever so slowly. Did you really expect anything different from us?