I've skipped straight over denial and gone straight to anger (I think the BETA of 1 was pretty clear, no denial here)... this just sucks. Plain and simple. Despite the fact that there's a plan, despite knowing this time of longing will be redeemed, despite believing that better days are in our future, despite all of that, this current moment, this current situation, it just plain sucks. I just want a family. I just want a baby of my own. I just want to make my husband a dad. I just want to move on with our lives and get out of this season. There is so much more that I want for our lives than infertility. I'm just so mad that this is our story, that we aren't one of the "lucky ones".
Which leads me to the envy. I warned you, this is not my prettiest side. I'm battling some intense jealousy right now. I used to be jealous of girls who posted a positive pregnancy test on Facebook at four or five weeks. I wanted to scream at them that it could be gone in the blink of an eye, and yet I was jealous. Jealous of the ease with which they got pregnant, jealous that they had no fear, jealous that a positive home pregnancy test actually meant a bring home baby. That's where the jealousy started. But it's grown.
With every step along the way, with every failure we've endured, with every next hurdle cleared, there becomes someone else to be jealous of. I'm now jealous of the women who take Clomid and baby dance just a little more often and find their take home baby... and that's crazy because I remember being that person. I remember being scared silly of Clomid. I remember thinking timed intercourse would be the death of me. I vividly remember how hard those first steps were, so I want success for anyone who has to even take those initial steps... but I'm also jealous. Jealous that they got to get off the crazy roller coaster after what now feels like 45 seconds. Back then, the hot flashes, night sweats, raging attitude... it seemed like it would never end, but now the idea that swallowing a pill for five days and lying under the sheets with my husband... the thought that that could bring a baby, well it makes me want to scream. I'm so jealous of the success some find at this first stop.
I never in a million years thought I'd be jealous of couples who have to move onto to IUI. Have mercy, but I wasn't sure we were going to survive the decision to move onto IUI. It seemed so huge at the time. IUIs are expensive and stressful. I remember feeling like a nightmare walking during those three back to back IUIs. But now, the idea that someone would become pregnant from IUI seems kind of outrageous... like, "you mean that actually works?!?!" And now I'm jealous of couples who find success at this stop. I hate to admit it, but it's true. I would love to go back to IUI #3, what we thought of as our "Hail Mary" and find success. I'd happily go through the Clomid, the cysts, the testing, and the two failed IUIs if we could find success on IUI number three (or four, of five) And the idea that some couples succeed on their first IUI... simply mind boggling.
And then there's the surgeries: the laparoscopies, the D&Cs, the varicocelectomies, the stuff that cleans out, reshapes, resets everything. Surgery is absolutely no joke... I mean endometriosis and varicoceles certainly suck... they suck a lot. And for most couples, these types of diagnoses are life altering, and are often not solved with a one time surgery. However, there are those "lucky" few (and yes, I know that it's insane to think of anyone with Endometriosis as "lucky") who manage to get pregnant following a surgery of some type. I remember being absolutely terrified of my laparoscopy. If I wasn't crippled with fear of dying, I was sure they'd cut a fallopian tube or laser off an ovary. But I also remember the hope. There are always stories or those who are successful following a surgery... I wanted to be one of those people! I'm jealous of those people.
And then there's IVF. I feel like the lowest of the low to even say this, but I'm now jealous of those for which IVF works the first time... my word, I never thought I'd write that. IVF is enormous, it's crazy expensive, it's overwhelming, it's emotionally draining, it's hard on the body... I wouldn't wish IVF on anyone, but for those who find success after one fresh cycle, well, I'm jealous. I'm jealous because it's not me, because that's not my story, because for some unknown reason this is not our stop. It's not that I was certain it would be. I knew the statistics, and I went in knowing we might need every egg available to us. But I also knew that we might be a one and done family... that one IVF might be all it took to bring home our miracle. But it wasn't, and now I'm left to battle feelings of envy for those that found there family at IVF #1.
And I'm fairly sure that before too long, I'm going to be jealous of those who can afford multiple rounds of IVF. Are you disgusted with me, yet? I am. I hate this. I hate that I would ever be jealous of someone else's success, particularly anyone who has struggled to conceive. I want to be able to celebrate EVERY victory. And typically I can; I've always been able to celebrate and be truly, truly happy for the ladies who finally get off this crazy roller coaster. So forgive me for the icky darkness that I just leached all over the blog today. I promise that it's just a phase of dealing with the loss of our two embryos. And let me also be really clear, when I say I'm envious, not for one second do I mean I'm asking "why her?"... not once, not ever does that cross my mind. It's more of a "why not me too?" I don't want to take away anyone else's success, I just want the chance to join in.
I apologize for the ugly word vomit. I just had to get it all out. I know that I have a lot to be thankful for, that there are others who would still trade places with me. I told myself I could have this day, this one day to be angry, to be petty, to throw myself a pity party, to be, well, not nice. Tomorrow, we're moving on. Tomorrow we will focus on all that I do have.
Life happens... we've just got to pick up the pieces and move forward.
I think you are totally allowed to feel this way. I hate feeling overcome with jealousy, but it's there most of the time anyway. Ugh. :(
ReplyDeleteI think anyone struggling with infertility feels this way because its just NOT FAIR. You are totally allowed to have a pity party once in a while, we're all human and this is an especially hard process to go thru.
ReplyDeleteHaving just been diagnosed with Stage 3 endo (via laparoscopy) after over 2 years of struggles, i do consider myself "lucky" to have a diagnosis, though our battle is far from over and there's no guarantee this diagnosis will lead to our baby.
Hang in there and know we've all been in your shoes and are praying for you!
The ugly jealousy has been my least favorite part of dealing with IF, outside of the obvious. It's a strange mix of hating that part of myself, but also feeling justified in feeling that way. I don't think you need to apologize for being jealous if that's where you are. There's a huge difference in being jealous in a "why not me too" way vs a "why her" way. Be gentle with yourself.
ReplyDeleteI'm so sorry your feeling this way. Your human and we all have these feelings as different times in our lives. I'm thinking of you!
ReplyDeleteYup, it sucks. It goes from jealousy toward women who conceive naturally to this ... It's an ugly thing, but you're definitely not alone.
ReplyDeleteDon't be so hard on yourself. Your feelings are completely normal and you are entitiled. It's healthy to get it out of your system rather than to bury it and suffer through those feelings alone. I completely understand where you are coming from. After the disasterous results of our first IVF I remember thinking "Of course it wouldn't work for us the first time". And I was SO jealous of the girls who had frosties to transfer when I was left completelly empty handed. I go back and forth between feeling jealous and feeling guilty that (thanks to my parents) we have the means to try IVF #2. And I feel guilty that we didn't suffer through all of the stress of mulitple IUI's. I mean it's depressing that my diagnoiss was so severe we were advised to go right to IVF, but at least we didn't waste time and money trying a bunch of stuff that had a very low chance of working. Infertility is basically one big mind f*ck (pardon my language). And at any given moment we all have reserved the right to feel whatever it is we are feeling. This is always a safe space for you to vent. We are here for you. Praying for peace to return to your heart. Hang in there!
ReplyDeleteYou don't ever need to apologize for your feelings and emotions. I definitely felt jealousy when my sister got pregnant on her second month of clomid. I definitely felt jealousy of girls I knew (or even those I didn't but saw at my RE office) of those who got pregnant with IUI. And I definitely felt jealousy of those who got pregnant on their "Hail Mary" final attempt when we obviously didn't. Let yourself feel whatever you need to feel right now. I have been praying and will continue to pray for you and your husband during this difficult time.
ReplyDeleteOh hun, these feelings are not ugly and are nothing to be ashamed of--in fact, you express your feelings so eloquently, even when those feelings are unpleasant (to put it mildly) to go through. I struggled with mean, horrible jealousy for a long time and it still rears its head now and then. We are human and God knows our hearts are prone to feeling that way. Especially after all you have gone through, it is totally understandable for you to feel angry. I feel angry for you! Always feel free to vent here--we will love and support you no matter what.
ReplyDeleteI believe you expressed yourself very well. Praying for you girl that you will be able to "join in" soon.
ReplyDeletewaitingforbabybird.com
I think most of us IF'ers would be lying if we said we didn't have these exact feelings at some point in time. The difference is that you are acknowledging them instead of denying they exist. You are being honest and sometimes that's exactly what you need to do to move forward. No judgement here- only love. Praying for you, my friend!
ReplyDeleteI absolutely could have written this post a million times over. NONE of these thoughts make you a bad person. You are absolutely valid in feeling this way. It's SO hard being stuck in your situation and seeing other people have success- whether they have success the first time they try, after their first IUI, first IVF, 6th IUI or 6th IVF. It doesn't matter. Every time someone got pregnant I would ask God "why not me?". I know how you feel and I want you to know that you're not alone at all with those thoughts. Love you friend!!!
ReplyDeleteI'm glad you're so open and honest, because I bet most women who deal with IF feel the exact same way. I'm willing to admit...I too am jealous of women who "only needed to do one IVF." I get exactly where you're coming from. It might not stop once you become pregnant either. Then, it's being envious of those who aren't scarred by previous losses, the ones with carefree pregnancies and not a care in the world. Oh, to never deal with IF or loss would be so nice wouldn't it? I try to remind myself though, that everyone has their own problems, and when it seems like the grass is greener somewhere else, there is some problem they're dealing with that we are not.
ReplyDeleteI'm so sorry, Amanda. I think everyone deals with the jealousy you are describing, why some get "lucky" and others have to keep fighting. I hope that your resolution comes soon.
ReplyDeleteMy heart breaks for you. I truely am at a loss of words for how sorry and upset and I am for you. I understand every emotion that you describe, although I'd replace the last aspect of jelousy with an intense fear. I was recently talking with someone about how aweful to think there being different "levels" of IF. Those 1st-round-of-clomid people, yeah, it's hard to have sympathy for them at this point.
ReplyDeleteI feel ya girl! Lately I've been jealous of the women who still have a journey left to be on....whether it's Clomid or IUI or IVF or FET or adoption or whatever. At least they have a plan, ya know?! It sounds crazy because all of those plans are hard hard hard. None of them are easy, that's for sure. And yet, I'm still jealous. Our minds are very mysterious things, aren't they? Anyways, just want you to know you're not alone in your jealousy. I think it's good to write all this stuff out and process. I'm sending big fat prayers up for you Amanda!!!
ReplyDeleteOh goodness. I am with you 100%. I don't love my jealousy or envious side, but I also think it's totally normal. In our case I feel jealousy of anyone that ever experiences pregnancy, even if it's donor embryos/eggs/sperm, etc. I actually think it's WILD and CRAZY and UNREAL that there are people that actually have children with the same biological connection! It just seems so "science fiction" to me. And yes, I'm jealous. I totally and completely hear what you're saying and I think it's all a part of going through horrible, disgusting infertility. And I'm so sorry you're having to go through this. :(
ReplyDeleteOf course, at this phase in our journey, I'm so grateful for all we went through to get DS and I wouldn't change a thing about not having been able to get pregnant. But, of course, you wouldn't feel that way at your point in the journey! I certainly don't feel that way about our journey to #2 yet!
So, all that to say, please feel validated in your feelings. You are SOO not alone. Actually, I kind of feel like unless you get to the point of needing IVF you haven't REALLY been through infertility. (Not true I know, but just my personal feelings right now). So, anyway, hugs to you. Where you are right now SUCKS. Like "100%, hard to get out of the bed in the morning, wondering why in the world God would allow you to go through so much pain, cry your eyes out each night and want to punch pregnant women" sucks.
I'll be praying for you and thinking about you often. I hope God gets you to the other side ASAP. Sending you lots of hugs and chocolate. :/
I appreciate your honesty. And I have been there. Jealous of people who do clomid and IUI (I never got to try those). Jealous of people who did own egg IVF. Then, jealous of people whose DE IVF cycles worked the first or second time. Its sick. I agree. But I felt the exact same. I would rarely read a blog that was not DE IVF unless I really really really liked the person writing or point of view. But with time I started to see that we all have our own pain and issues and it did not do me any good to compare. Thats easy to say from the pregnant side. My point is, don't be hard on yourself to feeling this way. I think we have all been there. These feelings may be embaressing, but they are real, and you have a safe place here to express them.
ReplyDeleteWell written..and you have every right to feel this way. I've just recently stumbled onto your blog. But I "get" you. I had a very similar SART spreadsheet when after 4 failed IVF I moved on to CCRM and DEs. I was so tired and broke. I am on the other side..but had to keep picking myself up. I'm so sorry. I've been cheering for you..and will continue to.
ReplyDeleteI agree with everyone saying your feelings are normal, and please don't be so hard on yourself! I've struggled with jealousy so much in the past couple of years, and despite where I am, I still find it creep up on me. My sister is planning to try for #2 soon, and I can't help feeling jealous that she'll be able to give her daughter a sibling. Does it ever end?
ReplyDeleteYou are in a rough place right now. It's NOT fair. You deserve a baby as much as anyone else on this "journey." I'm sorry it hasn't happened yet. I will keep hoping for you. You are in my thoughts!
Allow yourself to feel the negative thoughts. It's a natural part of the process. You will be happy again. And I hope it is soon, my friend.
ReplyDeleteYou are so brave to share your deepest feelings on this subject. I struggled with IF for years, and have a story much like yours. I know those raw feelings all to well. Jealousy cuts you like a knife at pregnancy news from ANYONE you know, sometimes even strangers you cross in the grocery store. After male and female issues, surgeries, multiple treatments, and years crying rivers of tears, we finally had a successful IVF pregnancy. Then, lo and behold, got pregnant naturally 10 months later (RE had given us virtually no chance of success on our own)! Even after our own success story, our own miracles, our own two healthy children, it still hurts to see friends get pregnant "the easy way". It enrages me sometimes to see them sporting their bumps in tight clothes all over Facebook, wondering how they could be so insensitive to those who struggle. But, with the Lord's help, I am healing and learning to joy in others' success. I pray that in time, I will be able to use my experiences to help and encourage others. Dealing with IF leaves scars, even after you finally bring home your precious baby. But, you learn to appreciate each moment that much more. Thank you for sharing and hoping for the best for you!
ReplyDeleteYou are most certainly allowed to feel how you feel. We've all felt this way in some form or another. I certainly understand the dark places this road can take us. This is also your space to feel how you need to feel and so many people love you and completely understand. You're going to bring home babies. I have no doubt. Hang in there, dear friend. Sending you a little extra love today. xoxo
ReplyDeleteDon't feel bad for feeling jealous, I spent months......years, jealous of people who could easily conceive, who got pregnant with clomid, IUI, etc. It's perfectly normal to be envious of what you want so badly. But, don't feel like you won't get there, you will. I know you will! I don't want to say this to make you worry, but to know not to give up. But, it took us 9 embryos to get to where we are today, I didn't think we'd ever be here. Anger is okay, sometimes it's better than sadness. xoxoxo
ReplyDeleteIt's all so normal to feel the way you feel. And I applaud you for saying it and writing it, as it is not easy to admit. For people with diminished ovarian reserve, it's so normal to be jealous of those who did IVF and have actually made embryos as it's so tough for DORers to make enough follicles to have embryos. The list goes on and on. So yeah, I pray that you'll pass this stage and the days will get better and you'll be in a better place.
ReplyDeleteGood for you for being so candid. My cousin was a first time IVF sucess and had a spotaneous conception. She went 2 for 2 and I've had two miscarriages. I have that jeaousy of women who feel completely secure after they get a BFP and can start planning the nursery right away. It's so unfair
ReplyDeleteYou, my friend, are a wonderful person. In a really tough situation. Be gentle with yourself. I often felt bad about our first IVF being a double success, when I saw so many others struggle... well, until it wasn't a success anymore. You've been through a lot of disappointment in these last weeks. It's not fair, and it is so understandable that you feel jealous, "why not me too?". I can so relate to that.
ReplyDeleteHang in there. It will get better. Hugs.
I hear ya. I really do. The jealousy is tough enough to feel. If you can, try not to complicate it with extra guilt. It's okay. It's all part of the grief.
ReplyDeleteLife is unfair. I didn't want to have children, my husband did. Luckily, I was thinking to myself, he had a male factor and I could never get pregnant naturally. But DH insisted on IVF and I got pregnant on the first attempt at age 36. I cried when I found out I was pregnant because I hated the very thought of having a child. But when our daughter was born, I fell in love with her and wanted to have more children. I went through 9 IVF retrievals thereafter and unfortunately never got pregnant again. Life is unfair... When you don't want something, you get it - when you want something, you don't.
ReplyDeleteI for sure second all of what you said! I think we all feel or have felt this way and you just really can't it help I believe. I think it's totally normal but there are better days ahead and we just have to keep reminding ourselves of that :) Praying for you!!
ReplyDeleteOh sweetie. this is so true. I am so sad that you are having a tough time right now but it is OK to feel this way. It's even OK to share it out loud. There is no shame. I have this insane jealousy with anyone who gets to see a positive home pregnancy test and feel excitement without fear. I will never have that same feeling that I got with the first and I HATE that. Big hugs my dear friend. I hope that a snow day found you repairing your soul and rejuvenating your spirit.
ReplyDeleteI've been there, and sometimes am still there. I've found myself thinking judgmental jealous thoughts when someone mentions how hard of a time they had conceiving because they tried for 6 months. I so agree with Em. This is normal and part of grief and adding to it with guilt won't help a bit. My heart is heavy for you, dear.
ReplyDeleteThank you for saying what most of us feel and think. I'm obviously in a similar boat right now. I know its not "right" (which I think is a good step) but that doesn't mean that I don't have these emotions/jealously/etc. Thanks for your honesty Amanda.
ReplyDeleteOh, Amanda, I think this just comes with the territory. My IVF-conceived son (as I think I've said here, maybe not, 6 cycles, 2 FETs, 1 kid..., and that's ignoring the cycles that got canceled due to poor responses) was probably 3 or 4 when a friend of mine conceived on her first IVF, which was converted to IVF from IUI at the last minute because she (too) was expected to be a poor responder and then responded much better than expected. I still remember congratulating her on her pregnancy while feeling both jealous and stupid (stupid because I knew that getting pregnant wasn't the goal -- having a baby was -- and that she had just crossed the first of many hurdles and that I wished her only straightforward success in all of them. Which, sadly, wasn't realized; she lost the pregnancy. So, ugh -- how dreadful is that? Pretty dreadful and of course I felt horrible for her and very annoyed at feeling jealous about someone conceiving "easily" only to have that be her outcome).
ReplyDeleteEr, in short, don't feel bad about feeling jealous. It's normal, and just one of those things that this journey can do to us.
I could sign under every single word you said. I'm shameful to admit that I was feeling the exact same feelings of anger, jealousy, and unfairness as you do. In fact, after 3 rounds of chlomid, 6 IUIs, and 3 IVFs I finally got pregnant, and yet I'm feeling almost the same way I felt when I was trying to get pregnant. Why? Because I got pregnant with twins and i was on bed rest ever since. Still am. I'm grateful but so mad that other women get it so easily and don't even appreciate it. Why? Because I've been scared my entire pregnancy and still am. I never had a chance to truly appreciate the experience of so long-awaiting pregnancy because of 4 hospital stays, because of fear of loosing my kids, because of fear to carry on with this pregnancy full term.... Can you imagine, being in my third trimester, and knowing for sure that there is life inside of me, I'm way too scared to admit that I'll have two babies after all?! I think infertility robbed us of normalcy, true happiness, contentment with life in general.
ReplyDeleteAlso, I think we're entitled to feel these negative feelings, but I'm choosing to think positively. Otherwise, I'd go nuts! It's a long road but I truly hope that yours would be less painful and hard than mine. Wishing you all the best!
Julia
Let it out! I feel the same exact way. I was just in a February Cycle group over at fertilethoughts.com and I swear to God EVERYONE got their BFPs but me. I got my ugly BFN and since that day practically everyone else in the group is waking up and taking HPTs and getting two lines. I AM JEALOUS! You put it perfectly. I am not mad at them. I just wish I could join in. I wish you nothing but the best. I too will be doing a FET soon (early April) and I too have poopy day 3 embies. I will pray for BFPs for the both of us!!!
ReplyDeleteAs I enter into my 1st IVF cycle after 4 failed IUIs and a nasty m/c & long recovery (2 surgeries), I stumbled onto your blog. I have to say first - everything you post here is 100% human and *commonly* felt by those on these types of journeys. #2 and more importantly though - you are still showing kindness and compassion. This is one thing I've encountered (not even necessarily towards me) amongst some who have struggled who become so jealous (as we all are) that they become nasty and bitter. Suddenly they are not only jealous of someone that succeeds under whatever circumstance, but they lash out at others who are still struggling b/c they don't think that person has struggled *enough.* They don't think that person is *allowed* to express pain for failed IVF #2 b/c they've failed 3 or 4. They don't think the woman who miscarried after a surprise pregnancy is allowed to grieve b/c they miscarried two that were planned.
ReplyDeleteThis always saddens me, not to mention the additional pain it inflicts on our sisters also enduring a struggle for their families.
You are going through this with grace, humility, honesty, and kindness. I just wanted to express how beautiful it is for you to illustrate the truth of the struggle while not forgetting we're all in this together and all deserving of hope and compassion.
I hope your path from here on is smoother, as I hope for us all. I will continue to read and see how things are going now.