I'm going to preface this entire post with this: I totally realize I sound like an ungrateful jerk. And maybe I am. I can think of quite a number of ladies who would trade places with me in a heartbeat. All I can say is that if infertility has taught me anything, it is that expectations can be hard to overcome. I expected to get pregnant easily at 25... when that didn't happen I felt robbed, betrayed, and pissed. Then I thought I'd get pregnant not so easily at 26, with a lot of hard work and a little patience... when that didn't happen I felt confused and frustrated. Then I thought 27 would be the year and it would take several thousand dollars and a lot of tears... when that didn't happen, well you know, that brings us to here and now. However, if I had known going into my marriage that this is what I should expect, I would have been much more prepared to face it... It's all about your expectations.
My expectations for IVF and my body may have been a bit too grand. I'd like to blame my doctors. Dr. Slayden talked like my biggest struggle would be hyperstimulation... he expected 20-30 eggs to just spring forth on low doses of meds. Dr. Duffy has compared me to a donor from day one. He said he would use his standard "donor protocol" and that we could probably get 20+ eggs without trying. So those were my expectations. I've spent the last three months researching, thinking, and praying about what to do with all of these eggs. Sam and I finally hammered down a protocol for what to do if we have 20 or more eggs. And here I sit, with 17 follicles knowing that some of those will not be mature.
Right ovary (the slacker)- 7, 9, 9, 9, 10, 10, 10
Left ovary (the overachiever)- 6, 7, 9, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 11
Lining- 10mm
I know that I should be thrilled. I know that I should be so incredibly thankful. But if I'm being honest, I'm kind of disappointed in myself. Which is totally dumb; it's not like I can control this. I'm not choosing how many follicles should grow and at which speed (because that would be nice). I guess I've recognized that my eggs and my lining were a point of pride for me. "I may not know whether the eggs suck or not, but I can count on them to be bountiful and for my lining to rock"- that's kind of been my thought process for a long time. I honestly don't even know at which point I would be satisfied. I told myself last night that as long as I had 16 follicles, I'd be happy. Well, I have 17 and I'm not. Ughhh. So frustrating. I confessed my pride to the Lord and reminded myself that He is already fully aware how many follicles I will have and if any of them will turn into our children... He is in complete control. It's just hard to remember somedays.
I think I've kind of surprised my doctor too. He keeps talking as if I'm a bomb about to explode... follicles everywhere. Today he started off the consult (pre wanding) with his thoughts. He compares me to an airplane... got to get going fast enough or I'll never get off the ground, but once I'm up in the air, we can drop it waaayyyyy back. And then the ultrasound started and his response- "huh"... I'm guessing he was expecting more too. The lead follicle went from 8mm to 11mm- only 3mm in 4 days. Slightly underwhelming to say the least. After the ultrasound he decided to leave the meds at the higher dose for three more days pending the results of the blood work. Well the blood work came back, and I keep forgetting to ask what my E2 actually is, but it must have been higher than expected... I'm now going with 150iu of Menopur for three more days and 225iu of Gonal-F for two days, and only 150iu on the third. My next monitoring appointment is Monday. I guess we will know more then.
I've been reminded throughout the day from some special ladies that good eggs take time and that less is often more. I'm trying to keep reminding myself that the extra $900+ in medications that I just shelled out today will be worth it for good, healthy eggs. Slow and steady wins the race, right?
Infertility is a tricky thing when it comes to emotions, isn't it? I've been surprised at some of my reactions, too. You are so right that God's in control of all your follies and He knows what they'll turn into. Hang in there!
ReplyDeleteThere is always someone better off than you and someone worse off than you….that would trade your 17 for there 9 any day of the week. It's hard to get perspective sometimes…but try to keep the end goal in mind. With 17 follicles and your age, in all likelihood you're going to become a mother and that's what this is really all about. Isn't it? Hope you find a way to cheer up buttercup! :)
ReplyDeleteYou're doing great, Amanda! I know how much a let down an IVF cycle can be- I somehow always seemed to expect more, too. Try to embrace what your body is doing, though, and trust your doctor. He sounds like a great man! Thinking of you and cheering you on from boston, my friend! XOXO
ReplyDelete17 is a great number of follicles. My first cycle I had far less than that and really, it only takes one good one. We are always our own worst enemy, try to trust in God. And don't be so hard on yourself. Praying for you. xoxo
ReplyDeleteAmanda! You are totally cray cray girlfriend! That is the most picture perfect response anyone could possibly imagine. Your follies are all growing so close in size and that is not the easiest things to achieve. So you need more meds than you, or even they, expected. It's normal that they might have to tweak your dosage, and consider it a good thing they are monitoring you so closely and doing what's needed at each step for YOU individually. I will bet you a million bucks they retrieve more than 17 if that's what's showing now. Trust them! They know what they're doing! I'm super excited for you.
ReplyDeleteLong time reader, first time commenter :) But I wanted to let you know that I was in a similar boat at my day 4 monitoring (about 18 follicles) and I ended up with 29 mature eggs! Those little ones can grow crazy fast on the meds. It's hard, but keeping thinking positive and remember the end goal is a baby, not how many follicles you have :) I'm rooting for you!
ReplyDeleteI think this whole process has given us a natural reaction to be disappointed. Because usually, when facing infertility we are being given bad news. Remember 17 follies, close in size, almost even on both sides and a lining of 10!!! Girlfriend! This all sounds prefect effing great to me! Shoot up those meds & sit back & watch then grow. These bad boys are going to produce some pretty amazing kiddos! I'm placing my bet!
ReplyDeleteI can so relate to this post! Before my IVF cycle actually started, my doctor was also expecting me to produce lots of eggs, which would have allowed us to go to day 5, so we never even talked about the question of whether to transfer one or two at day 3. Well, and then I started out oversuppressed from the Lurpon and wasn't growing all that many eggs... and, like you, I felt disappointed, and worried that the cycle might not work out. But in the end they got 12, 10 mature, and 9 developed into good-looking embryos. So don't give you just yet! Your counts and sizes look pretty good from the outside. Fingers crossed!
ReplyDeleteThis stuff is so hard. For whatever it's worth, I was a poor responder who conceived exactly one pregnancy and has exactly one child after 6 fresh IVF cycles (5 that got to transfer) and a couple of FETs. My total number of transferable embryos across those 6 cycles was 17. And among the things I learned was this ... there are points when cycles appear to be going (relatively) great, and points when they appear to be going (relatively) lousy, and in the end, it doesn't matter. A cycle with just one poor-quality embryo to transfer is a GREAT cycle if it leads to a BFP and a healthy pregnancy and baby, and a cycle that looks picture-perfect (whatever that is) up to the BFN, well, it stinks. And you just can't tell.
ReplyDeleteHang in there, and be as gentle to yourself as you can. I turned to dark chocolate and page-turner books (for me, that's Daniel Silva) for distraction, and tried (but failed) not to obsess or overanalyze.
Out here hoping for you.
Oh IVF: you are an emotional roller coaster! Try not to be too hard on yourself! Of course there are people who would love to have that many eggs, but that dosent mean you can be disappointed because it's less than you expected! Even people who do donor egg have these thoughts - hoping the donor will have 20 not 10! 17 is fab though, as you know, and quality is much more important than quantity!!!
ReplyDeleteThese emotions your are going through were the same feelings I felt during my IVF cycle. At my second monitor my follicles were not close to even being the size my Dr wanted them to be. In the midst of it all I remember feeling like this wasn't gonna work bc he wouldn't up my dosage. Well I learned slow n steady wins the race. By my last u/s my follicles were at the size he wanted them to be at. It's not about quantity it's about quality. Wishing u the best of luck! Here's hoping your body is a late responder like mine!
ReplyDeleteI can understand why you would be disappointed, the Dr. really set some high expectations for you. As you said, you still have lots of eggs and a GREAT lining. I hope you get some really great quality embryos very soon :)
ReplyDeleteSweet Amanda. I know when you have certain expectations it certainly can throw you for a loop when things go differently. That said, I think you are having a picture perfect cycle!! Hang in there…things are all going to work out for you!! xoxo
ReplyDeleteIt is so tough to expect one thing and get another. Obviously the whole IF journey is just that, but expecting more eggs and getting less is super tough. It's okay to feel upset since that's not what you were hoping for, but I hope that you can push through that quickly and get back to sending positive vibes to your follicles. There's still time for changes.
ReplyDeleteHoly crap girl! That lining and those follies are amazing! It was hard for me not to compare myself to others that did better, but you should be super happy. I am feeling a baby in 2014!!
ReplyDeleteOhhh sweetness. I know this update was from before the weekend, so I hope you feel better about today's report! Remember, anything can happen. This is so out of our control, but - sometimes - it's for the better! Our eggs and embabies surprise us every single day! xoxo
ReplyDeleteI have always had the opposite problem: very few follicles and even less mature eggs. But, I have heard that too, that less is more. I have seen some people with 5 mature eggs that take home a baby and people with 30 eggs, and non make it. I try to keep it in my head that it isn't over until it's over. Fingers crossed for you!
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