It's Over

It's officially over. BETA came back at 1 today. I was once again pregnant for the briefest moment... just a blip on the radar really.

From here I simply stop all medications and wait for a new cycle. We're not moving forward with a frozen embryo transfer this next cycle, so I guess it's back to life as normal. I went ahead and let them schedule a follow up consult with Dr. Duffy in a few weeks. The problem is I don't really have too many questions about future FETs; I do however have a lot of "what the hell?" type questions regarding IVF... unfortunately those don't matter. 

I'm obviously sad. I know this won't really make much sense, but I don't think I'm any more sad than if it had initially been negative... either way we lost two embryos. It just took us a little while to make it official. I also feel guilty because, well, I'm not quite as sad as I was after the first miscarriage. I'm definitely still sad, just not like a puddle of goo on the floor sad. I don't think it will wreck my life for three months like the first one. Give me a week and I think the random outbursts of tears will be over. The only way I can explain it is this: with IVF, there are only two options. The embryo becomes your bring home baby, or it dies. I guess I had resigned myself to that. I'm definitely sad, but I guess I just recognized the distinct possibility, the likelihood even, that we would lose some in this process. That's not how I felt about the first... a miscarriage back then kind of came out of left field and shocked me. I guess I was better prepared this time. Maybe preparation take some of the sadness away, at least at this early stage. 

And I suppose I'm sad for another reason too. The loss of the two embryos is certainly significant, but it also feels like the loss of our best chance. I don't know if the doctors would say any of ours had a "good" chance, but those two were the best shot we had. I can't help but think, if those two failed, how can the others stand a chance? I know it's a defeatist mentality, and hopefully I'll shake it before too long, but right now, I just can't get excited about a frozen embryo transfer. I know FETs often have better results because the body is less stimulated and less stressed, but that doesn't change the quality of what we have left. And honestly, I don't even know what that is. I know we have six frozen in groups of two, and that they were all frozen on day 3 (because they didn't think they'd survive to day 5), but I don't know how many cells each had when they froze it or what the grades are... I guess I need to call about that.

Tonight is one of those nights I really wish I enjoyed alcohol a little more... I nice glass of red wine seems in order, but I guess I'll make do with my drug of choice (Diet Coke). A long bubble bath seems like it's due as well as I haven't had a good soak since the night before the retrieval. And I might even treat myself to a Starbucks in the morning... yeah, that sounds about right.

Thank you all so much for your encouragement and your prayers. It was a long weekend, but now we can officially move on. We're simply trusting that our story is not over... onto the next chapter.