Some Answers

For those of you who are not eagerly counting down the days until Pregnancy Test Day, I'll clue you in on the countdown: four more days. So the question everyone wants to know is: "how are you doing?" I'm doing okay. Better than expected, really. I mean, I'm still sane, I'm still functioning, I haven't chosen a two week sleep as a means of coping, and really that's about all you can ask of yourself during the two week wait. But in all seriousness, I'm doing okay. There are certainly moments that sneak up on me... moments of complete despair, moments of potential bliss, but for the most part, I'm just living each day, trying not to let all that Friday represents take over.

The next question that everyone wants to know is: "how do you feel?" Normal. I know, what an answer. On one hand, normal is a HUGE improvement to how I was feeling. There were a few days where I just wasn't sure which terrible drug had caused it, but I knew that at least one medication was wreaking havoc in my body. Thankfully we're past that. But in some ways, normal is also terrifying. It seemed more plausible that a pregnancy might exist when I felt like crap (even though I knew I didn't feel like crap because of a pregnancy). Feeling normal seems to be the antithesis of feeling pregnant, so I'll admit that I wish there was something to complain about. But sadly, all symptoms/side effects have cleared out.

Another thing everyone is asking is: "are you optimistic/excited/anxious?" It depends on when you ask... the answer could be different 20 minutes from now. I guess I could summarize by saying I'm realistic, yet hopeful. Realistic means that statistically, we are not pregnant. We were once given odds as high as 70%... yea, um, that was before we found out my eggs officially suck. I read somewhere (I know, get off google) that transferring two day 3 embryos gives about a 35% chance of success. It's really heartbreaking and frustrating to hear that after all we went through, after three weeks of work, 14 months of saving, and $14,000 that we only have a 10-15% increase in odds over a normal fertile couple my age... that's just plain crazy! It seems like after all of that, we should at least be over 50%... it should at least be likely that we succeeded. So I'm realistic when I say that the odds are not in our favor. I'm not a betting woman, so I'm unwilling to say I feel confident or optimistic. However, I'll add that I believe in a God that is in no way bound by numbers. I'm hopeful that He has heard out cries and will mercifully answer our prayers. So yeah, realistic, yet hopeful kind of sums it up.

The last question my friends want to know is this: "how's your heart?" This one's tough. I want to say fragile. Because it is. I've experienced the disappointment before. I know that a whole slew of things can quickly follow on the heels of a failure like this... anger, sadness, regret, depression. And yes, I fear those things. I fear what fighting infertility can make me become. I fear the shell of a woman, of a friend, of a wife I could turn into for weeks, months, years... I've seen it in my own friends. It's a terrible thing to crawl out of your own empty husk. However, despite the fact that the human heart is fragile, I'm feeling optimistic about surviving Friday intact, no matter the results. Yes, I will be sad... super sad. Yes, I will be frustrated... immensely so. Yes, I will feel despair... how much longer will we have to walk this road? I will feel all of these things and more if it is a negative result. And obviously if it's a positive result, I will be elated, terrified, shocked, thankful... too many emotions to describe. Essentially, I guess I'm as close to at peace with the outcome as I think I'll ever get. It will be what it will be... we just have to be ready to move forward with either result. So I guess the answer is fragile, my heart is certainly fragile, but I feel comforted that the Lord's got this. He's in control, He sees the bigger picture, and He's not going to let us go. Friday could change everything or change nothing, but either way, we're going to be okay... eventually.

So four more days of waiting... four more days and then we'll know.