Why on earth does any of this matter? Well obviously it doesn't really, but for a moment, you have to step into my strange logic where this kind of stuff does matter. Maybe a little background will help you to better understand:
I distinctly remember being in college, head over heels about Sam, and planning out our future in an art history course (yawn). The key to success hinged on spacing all five of our children out appropriately. But I couldn't simply start two years after the wedding with baby number one. No, no. I had a deadline...29.Why 29 exactly? I don't really know other than that's how old my mom was when she had me. I guess as a kid, I always felt like my mom was kind of an older mom (don't laugh). I wanted to be a young, hip, fun mom, so I arbitrarily decided that if she stopped having babies at 29, I would too. Now of course, the dream has changed. Mathematically there hasn't been a way for us to have five babies before I turn 29 for quite a while, but somehow that date, that year still meant something. For some reason, I still hung on to the age 29... It just changed to: have A baby by 29.
Our IVF baby would have snuck right in with an October 2, 1014 due date (or so the handy dandy calculators tell me). More specifically, the October part seemed even more meant to be because October is a BIG DEAL around here. Apart from it being my favorite month, favorite season, and my own birthday month, it's also Sam's birthday month and my mom's. I can't really explain how or why exactly something that simple (and silly) made an October due date seem so appropriate, but it did. I was desperate to start IVF in December or January rather than February or March, not because one more month really made that much difference, but rather because once I had calculated and actually seen that early October due date, it just seemed too perfect. It somehow felt like the stars were aligning, and if I could just get that transfer to occur in the right window of time, all would be okay.
It was obviously not okay. Not okay at all. And now every time someone posts on Facebook or tells me that they have an October due date, I kind of cringe (i.e. wish I could stab my eyes out/rip my ears off). I fully recognize that all of this is silly. If we are blessed with a pregnancy from our upcoming FET, the due date would be somewhere around December I'm guessing. To pre-infertility Amanda, a December birthday seemed like a crime... "why would you do that to your kid? Ughhh, Christmas and birthday in the same month and then NOTHING for the next eleven?!?" To infertile Amanda, a December baby is amazing and a miracle and the greatest thing ever... that kid could come on Christmas day and I wouldn't care. Yet somehow, despite recognizing and admitting that this is all so silly, the loss of that October baby, it stings. I can't really explain it anymore than that it just seemed meant to be... but it wasn't.
I completely understand where you are coming from and it's not silly at all (well if it is, we're both silly) mine was 30, and this last cycle ended those hopes for me. I will be AT LEAST 30 when I have my first child. My mom had THREE by 25... my grandma? 5 (that's right 5) by TWENTY-THREE. I feel like I've missed the boat as well.
ReplyDeleteOh honey I don't think there's an infertile out there that doesn't completely understand your logic. I think when you are going through your cycle we all cling to one thought or idea that signifies that this HAS to work becasue it's fate, or karma, or clearly meant-to-be. For my first cycle (this is SO dumb) my due date would have been the beginning of Sept. Three weeks before my best friend's wedding. Who had HER first baby three weeks before MY wedding. She laughed and told me payback is a b*tch. For whatever reason that coincidence had me convinced that it was meant to be and going to work out! Obviously it did not - not even close.
ReplyDeleteI love the idea of a Christmas baby, even as I completely get (and have had the same thoughts) on what your prior feelings were about a December baby. But what a miracle, what a celebration, what a perfect time to bring your baby into the world. I will be praying for that December baby! .
It's not silly. I think it stings even more when you felt that all the stars had finally aligned, that this would be perfect.
ReplyDeleteSomeone once told me that, when you finally meet your baby, it will be perfect. Not that it'll make you forget all the heartache that came before, but that this will feel like your perfect child. I hope we'll all get there, someday.
I totally understand this. I'm sorry that the October baby didn't happen. And I also totally understand pre-infertile you judging aiming for a December baby. I always thought the same thing. "I will NEVER have sex in March, lest I have to add ANOTHER holiday into an already-packed month AND share my birthday glory with another being.." Hahaha...I'd take a dozen December babies now!!! Oh well.
ReplyDeleteI'm praying for you Amanda... I want you to have your miracle and I am hoping that your FET delivers!
ReplyDeleteI totally get it! I always told my husband I did not want to be 34 and just having our first baby, well I'll be 35 tomorrow and no baby and not even pregnant at this point yikes!! Guess that just means there are bigger plans for us and it sounds like for you too :)
ReplyDeleteI'm so sorry that you did not get your October baby. It's impossible to not get attached to an idea when there is so much hope going in to something like this. Praying, praying, praying for a December baby, and all the fun that comes with sticking a newborn in super cute holiday wear.
ReplyDeleteOn a lighter note, even as a 32 year old mom, I still feel too young to handle a baby sometimes. And, even at 29, I wasn't hip. So I don't know if age has anything to do with being a young, cool mom!! :)
Not silly or crazy at all! (Or at least I'm right there with you) I also have the hang-up about 29, although it's morphed from having a baby before 29, to having a baby while 29, to now at least being pregnant before the end of 29 (I've got a month, no pressure). As for the time of year, I think this a privilege of fertile people that has been stripped from us.
ReplyDeleteMy sister was born the day after Christmas and has never minded it. She never had to go to school on her birthday and everything was always decorated for her. It can be your Christmas Miracle.
I think we have to give up so much because of infertility (like how many kids to have and how many years to space them apart) that we like to hold onto simple things. Pre-infertility I did NOT want to have a baby in the month of March. Any other month is fine, but our anniversary is in March and I didn't want to plan/budget birthday parties and anniversary trips at the same time. Our son's birthday is March 3rd and he is the best anniversary present we have ever gotten. I hope you get an amazing Christmas gift this year in the form of a take home baby.
ReplyDeleteNot silly at all. I think we all have those perfect scenarios in our head. My dad and stepmom live on the other side of the country, and when we first started trying to TTC, my dream was to get a BFP in time to tell them whenever they came out to visit. And then it was when we went to visit. All of us are praying and wishing for a healthy baby for you very soon.
ReplyDeleteI definitely don't understand God's timing, but I do know that His ways are higher then ours and when you are holding your baby in your arms it will make sense why they were born when they were! Keep holding out faith girl! Just because you didn't get it for 2014, doesn't mean you wont in future years! Ask the Lord to bring you a baby in October!!
ReplyDeleteI get this. It's not silly at all. I had a hard time turning 35 and realizing that I still had not had a baby and wasn't pregnant. I'm still having a hard time realizing that I won't have a baby until I'm 36 or older. However, it's all part of letting go.
ReplyDeleteYou have no idea how many times I've thought about how once upon a time I would have thought a Christmas baby would be poorly planned, and over these past few years that has most definitely changed. You (and me) will be over the moon, tap dancing on tables kinda happy no matter when their birthday! xoxo
ReplyDeleteI 100% understand! Strangely I've been thinking about the same thing. My baby should have been due in September, which is my mothers bday month. It saddens me that I can't have that anymore. If things were as we liked all out kids would be born the months we want. Sigh! Hope everything works out for you Amanda with ur upcoming FET. Praying for our miracle babies soon.
ReplyDeletetotally get it! Did you read my post "It was the perfect time"? October came and went for me as well. The only thing that has helped me move past it is knowing God has a special purpose and place in history for my kiddos and while I thought that was the perfect time, His time is far more perfect and will leave me with my mouth hanging open in awe! :) hugs!
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I understand how you feel completely. October was our month too. Our first and second pregnancies were both due Oct 22, Chris' birthday. When our Hail Mary attempt was in January, it would put us with an October due date again and I just knew that it was going to work this time. I was wrong, and I also cringe at October due date announcements. You're definitely not alone!!
ReplyDeleteI totally understand what you're saying. It's hard to even look at a calendar anymore... and I'm a teacher so I have kids asking me what day it is all the time. I want to shout "it's another day and another month that I'm still not pregnant. Leave me alone!" I'm going for teacher of the year :) I'm sorry October didn't work this time, but your month will come.
ReplyDeleteugh, it's torture calculating the due date. my first was supposed to be october too, then a christmas baby ... my first pregnancy was supposed to be due this coming tuesday ... of course your baby was meant to be. heck, that june baby from your first pregnancy was meant to be. there's no reason it shouldn't work out that way. it's just so hard .... soon you will have a due date on the calendar and a bump in your belly. :)
ReplyDeleteNone of this is silly, my friend! I did the same thing time and time again. First it was a baby before I'm 30. Then 39 came and went and it changed to just a baby before my next birthday... Even though we have these deadlines in our minds and hearts, no matter when your baby comes, you'll be the happiest mama alive- I promise! XOXO
ReplyDeleteI totally understand this. I wanted a baby before I was 27, so when my birthday came and went in September I was sooo upset. Now I'm hoping for one before 30 and I know, if that mark comes and goes without a baby I'll be so upset too. I also had a dream last year that I had twins on October 6th. I can't shake that date from my mind and when it passed last year, I was really upset. I think we all get that - its all a part of Infertility.
ReplyDeleteOh Amanda I can so relate. My number was 3 kids before 30 and that has also changed (I think we both have the OCT 21 bdays?) When I got pregnant with the triplets I got the positive pregnancy test THE DAY my first IVF early miscarriage would have been born-it felt like huge sign, a huge gift. I did the math and found out for my 30th bday I could do the gender reveal party! Again, felt like it was finally right. I hear you!! I'm now way more "whatever" and I agree, any date, any time, any month=the perfect time!
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