IVF: A Recap

I've been meaning to blog about this for a long time. I guess part of the delay is that thinking back through IVF is kind of painful. There were a lot of disappointments for us along the way. And part of the delay is just that I'm struggling. Struggling to stay relevant, to stay present in this moment. Hell, I'm struggling to get up in the morning and care whether my hair looks like a frazzled mess or my eyeliner is on straight. Every moment of time spent awake I'm pretty much counting down the hours until I can go back to bed. But I'm pretty sure that my misery is a terrible, horrible no good, very bad blog topic, so instead I'll recap IVF.

I really want to recap IVF not because I need a summary but because I want to take some of the fear factor away for others who might be considering IVF. I've said multiple times before that IVF was terrifying to me. It seemed monumental... like some kind of Mount Everest type endeavor. I was scared to death of the shots. I was worried what the medications would do, side effects, etc. It all just seemed overwhelming. And while I'm certainly not here to say that IVF is no big deal, it wasn't as bad as I expected.

We'll start with the injections. I whined about injections until I'm sure everyone was sick of me. I don't like needles, don't like shots, and don't like whomever has the task of stabbing a needle into me... que dramatic circumstances for IVF. Luckily, every single one of my injections was subcutaneous. So I still can't vouch for any intramuscular stuff... if I have to cross that bridge, I'm sure there will be more whining and worrying. But the subcutaneous ones were really not that bad. Really. You heard it here folks. I did Gonal-F, Menopur, Cetrotide, and Lupron... Menopur was the worst, no doubt. It burned and I'll admit there were some curse words shared, but it wasn't that bad. Two minutes of burn and then it was over most nights. Also, I know this is going to sound crazy, but I was forced to do my own injections towards the end... it was better. So if you're scared of the injections, at least try it yourself. And ice... ice, ice, ice. No one said I couldn't ice the area, so I did every time. The one time I didn't I really regretted it. But regardless of your system, I guarantee that there is a system that will work for you... so don't delay or give up on IVF because of the shots. It's ten to twelve days for most… anyone can survive that.

Another fear was the medications and the effects they might have on me. I'd heard all kinds of stories... people passing out, ending up in the hospital, allergic reactions. And of course there's always the stories of breast cancer and other terrible issues that arise later in life. I obviously can't speak to the increased cancer risk quite yet, but I can say that I had little to no side effects. It's crazy and I still can't really believe it, but it's true: I had more side effects from 100mg of Clomid than I did on all the IVF drugs. No lie. Some people report moodiness, uncontrollable rage, tears that just won't stop... I had none of that. I think part of it may be the lack of stress... I was in Florida, not working, hanging out with my mom or husband most of the time. But still, no tears were shed, no freak outs occurred. I never felt like I was out of control or that my body (or hormones) were betraying me. In addition, I had very few physical side effects either. I find that really strange. On Clomid, I had 3-4 follicles and felt like I had a sack of potatoes in my abdomen. On Follistim, I had 5 follicles worth note (around 7 total) and I felt like someone kicked me in the ovary every time I sat down. Both Dr. Slayden and I were worried about IVF and the pain. If an IUI on 75 units of Follistim for five days brought me to an 8 on the pain scale... IVF was sure to do me in. And I have absolutely no explanation, but I was never really in pain. There at the very end I started feeling some discomfort, but it felt more like ovulation pain than stabbing, miserable, excruciating pain. Dr. Duffy hypothesized that maybe the difference was drug related... regardless the side effects were not as bad as I expected.

In addition, I really thought that I'd be at the doctor all. the. time. For hours and hours while they stole pints and pints of my blood. In reality, I went in for the IVF start date, three monitoring appointments, the retrieval, and the transfer. That's it… well, actually I had to swing by once to meet with the nurse about the retrieval and pick up my Lupron since I had ordered hCG from the pharmacy. But essentially it was a total of six appointments… My first IUI was four appointments and my fourth IUI was five appointments, so really not all that much difference.

Let's look at some overall wins, shall we? First of all, if you, like me, have suffered through test after test to find an actual diagnosis rather than unexplained, IVF may just be your diagnosis dream come true... or not. It's certainly not a "win" to know that my eggs are less than stellar and only slightly better than abysmal, but IVF did answer some questions we otherwise would have been unable to answer. A second win: weight loss. I know what you're thinking... huh? But it's true, I lost about 10 pounds leading up to and during IVF. I'm sure a huge part of it was the diet choices I was making... cutting carbs eliminated about 75% of my daily caloric intake... it was hard to put calories back in the form of protein. But I'm pretty sure I'd have lost a little weight no matter what... post retrieval I just felt like crud and nothing sounded good. There were a few days when the bloat weight started to make me think I'd gain it all back, but I finally deflated and settled at about 10 pounds lighter. Now, admittedly I haven't weighed since the pregnancy test, so I have no idea if post IVF has led to weight gain... Starbucks, a dozen chocolate chip cookies, Ben and Jerry's, and Steak N' Shake milkshakes don't lead me to believe I'm still 10 pounds lighter, but ignorance is bliss.

And because I can't end on too perky a note, let's look at some losses. First of all, IVF is a gamble, there's absolutely no doubt. Doctors can make all the predications they want, but there's no real way to know how any one woman will respond to the different medications. It's all just an educated guess. We went in with predictions of success as high as 70% per transfer and left with about a 35% chance for our first transfer... definitely a gamble. I think it's probably wise to think of IVF like this: IVF#1 is a trial run... you may get lucky, lots of people do, but you may also need IVF#2 to learn from the first round. Womp, womp. In addition, the medication ordering system is difficult to pinpoint. I ended up buying medications three times because I kept running out, but then right after I ordered the last round, I got the call that my E2 was too high and I'd be stopping stims soon. I ended up with five vials of Menopur, one syringe of Cetrotide, and one multi-dose vial of Gonal-F left over... even with the discounts, that's over $500 in medications. It's so hard to know how much you'll need, but you don't want to be stuck without it. So I guess, the negative aspects of IVF all circle around the unknown... you just have to bite the bullet, take the plunge, etc.

Reading back through this, I'm not sure if I'm actually doing a very good job of convincing anyone to go for it. Admittedly, I am not the poster child for IVF the doctors thought I would be. But I guess if I'm coming out of IVF with mega disappointments and a failed transfer and yet still vouching for it, then there's really no higher recommendation needed. If you're on the fence, I'd say go for it. Do your research. Know your facts. But don't waste years because of fear... it's really not that bad.