Finding "The One"

How about we chat about something other than my uterus and the lack of habitation going on inside, shall we? It seems to me now that we're a week past Valentine's Day that we've arrived at a perfectly opportune time to talk about marriage. (You see it's opportune now, on a random Saturday in February to discuss because, well, because chatting about love and marriage should have zero to do with the date on the calendar... end rant.)

My church is finishing up my favorite series that Andy Stanley has ever done. If you haven't watched it, you should do yourself a favor and go watch all four sermons... they're that good. I first heard this series several years ago when Sam and I were engaged. I, like a lot of women (I like to think), was having a wee crisis of conscience. I knew that I loved this man I was betrothed to. I knew that he was absolutely, without a doubt my best friend. But I also knew that we both came from divorced families and that statistically the odds were even less in our favor than the average couple. And lets be honest, the odds of a happy ever after where you both grow old, and hold hands sippin' lemonade on the front porch are not that hot. It sucks, but they're just not. But our society and just about everyone who has been divorced will tell you that the reason for the divorce is that he/she was the "wrong one." So as my very own wedding approached I had this "how do I know if he's the one?" dilemma and I'm guessing I'm not the only one. In fact, thanks to this girl's very candid post about the moment she said I do, I know for a fact that I'm not the only one.

The Andy Stanley series, Staying in Love, allowed me to take a huge, deep sigh of relief. Strangely enough, it was the first time that I had heard a pastor discuss marriage and finding a spouse in terms of choosing someone and then deciding to make he/she "the one." All my life, I'd heard pastors, youth group leaders, Sunday school teachers, etc say that God would bring "the one," this perfect person that God created just for me into my life if I was just really, really patient. As we all know, patience is not my virtue. I naturally wondered how to know if I was actually ready or if I was hitching my wagon prematurely... was Mr. 100% perfect for me still out there?

Here's the thing: Sam is not perfect, and he's not perfect for me. I love him to pieces and I don't think he's the wrong one, but he's not perfect. And here's another thing: I'm not either. I'm not perfect and I'm not perfect for Sam. There are lots of areas in which we compliment each other: we like to laugh, we're both witty (one of us is a little more snarky, I'll let you guess who), we enjoy watching sports, binging on good TV, and we love to eat fabulous food. There are lots of reasons why I enjoy Sam and love him to death, but he's not a perfect man created just for me to compliment me exactly. I enjoy reading for hours... Sam doesn't read, ever, for anything. I can lie on the beach all day... Sam can last about 20 minutes before he gets antsy. I can easily save money for big things... Sam would rather spend his money on smaller, more frequent purchases. There are a lot of places that we bump heads... some are no big deal (you go swim in the ocean now, babe. I'll stay here.) and others are not so easy to tackle. I, like most girls, had my list of "criteria" that had to be met before I'd say I do… well guess what? Sam doesn't meet all of that. He got the tall and handsome part, but he's as white as they come… turns into a lobster at the beach. And there are things about Sam that I love, that I never knew to even put on the list. And I seriously doubt that if Sam had been the kind of guy to make a list, that I would have met all of his criteria (unless of course, it began and ended with: looks good in shorts). Regardless, my point is simply that we are not perfect for each other. But I'm still so thankful that I married him!

This notion of a perfect person, a soul mate, a partner specifically selected to match me exactly, kind of gets on my nerves.... and it gave me fits and anxiety attacks before I finally bit the bullet and said "you're the one." And sadly I think the church is just as guilty of perpetuating this myth as Hollywood. Movies and books and reality TV tell us that we'll know he/she is the one based on how we feel. But if those feelings go away... whoops! we chose poorly. Try, try again. We simply leave the "wrong one" in search of the "right one," or better yet, the "new 'the one'." Anyone who has been in a relationship long enough should be able to admit that this is bad logic... the feelings that come with the start of a relationship don't naturally continue. This is not Newton's First Law of Physics we're talking about... feelings of love, adoration, and butterflies in the stomach don't continue on without work. No, we're up against the Second Law of Thermodynamics, work is required to prevent the relationship from naturally moving towards chaos. I know, ultra bummer. How much nicer would it be if relationships required zero effort to continue and all the lovey-dovey feelings just multiplied exponentially? The truth is that when I said I do, I promised to make Sam my "one" and vice versa.

Unfortunately, this idea of waiting for Mr. Right is causing more and more women to wait later and later to get married (I don't think I need to explain the danger here, do I?). Now don't get me wrong, I get that some people simply don't want to get married, or don't find someone to marry until later in life. But statistics show a general trend of women (and men) waiting to marry later in life. And yes, I recognize that part of this is that additional schooling is now almost a requirement to survive in this society. But we have to admit that part of this change is simply a generational shift in how we view marriage. Now, if divorce rates were on a rapid decline, I might pause and question whether waiting later to marry might help, but unfortunately, Christian or non-Christian, young or old, divorce rates are awful. My point here is simply this: 22 or 28, 32 or 38, when you marry should have everything to do with feeling ready to commit to the partner for life. It shouldn't be delayed while you search for Mr. Right… he's not coming. Look at it this way: if you aren't married, and you're waiting for your person, your match made in heaven, would that someone look at you and call you perfect? If not, then I don't think it's fair to expect the man or woman you're looking for to be either. And if you are married, I'd challenge you to start thinking of your spouse as "the one," not because he/she is so perfect, not because she completes you, and not because he checks all the boxes, but rather because your wedding vows probably said something to the effect of "forsaking all others… till death do you part."

I don't for one minute feel like I've got this marriage thing all worked out. And I also don't believe I can judge why anyone would seek a divorce... believe me, I've had my reasons for endorsing divorce in the past, so if that's you, you'll find no judgment here. I know that marriage is not simply sunshine and roses, but I guess that's my point. Marriage isn't going to be perfect no matter who you marry. We are broken people with issues, baggage, learned behaviors, and all of that means conflict is inevitable. So my advice to anyone waiting to marry would be this: choose wisely for sure, but recognize that it's a choice, not manna from heaven. And no matter who you choose or when you choose, know that marriage takes work. For those of us who are married: my advice (to myself included) would be to be willingly to do the hard work required. Marriage can be beautiful and amazing... I'm so thankful for mine, not because it's perfect, but because I have a partner who is for me, and together we get to walk through life. There's really no greater gift. 

Warding off Divorce

I feel icky just typing that word. The "d-word"... we don't say it in the Greavu household. However, several things have occurred that have gotten me thinking about it.

For one, several bloggers that I follow are going through divorce. These girls break my heart on so many levels... Infertility sucks. Period. In any and every circumstance it sucks, but when it tears apart your marriage... Well that's another whole level of suckiness entirely.

Secondly, more and more friends from my past, either college or high school, are getting divorced. Most often I see this on Facebook. I see so and so's name and think to myself, "wasn't she married?" Or "didn't she have a different name?" Only to discover that yes, the marriage has ended, the maiden name is back.

And most recently, my friend Aubrey wrote a blog about the tough times in marriage. She received some great advice from her dad on her wedding day, but it wasn't until her battles with infertility began, that she realized just how true his words were. And her words got me thinking.

Divorce isn't a giant leap, it's a slippery slope. Prevention is essential. Now, hear me when I say that there is no condemnation from me. If you are or have been divorced, I'm not judging in the least. I think I'm probably one of the only kids who prayed that her parents would get a divorce. Believe me, I see its purpose. But I also believe that a lot of good marriages end because of a lack of intention.

When we were in premarital counseling, our minister's wife shared with us something that has helped her in her marriage. She shared how you have to be on guard against divorce. Just as a garden left alone will be overrun by weeds, a marriage that is left unattended will wither and die.

She shared the 7 steps to divorce. These steps were first published by Dr. Sheila Kessler, a psychologist from Atlanta. My friend took her steps and elaborated on them. Take a look.

We all start here: Bliss.

Stages of Divorce:

1. Disillusionment

It isn’t long after we are married that the fog of infatuation begins to clear in our relationship and we begin to realize that our spouse has some faults. We may notice a tendency toward control, anger, or self-centeredness with his or her family of origin. Among the worst of faults are deficits in integrity and fidelity. Too often these issues are not addressed until they become full blown in mid-life and by then intense damage has been done. If a couple does not immediately address these issues the marriage is often headed for divorce.

2. Erosion

If the issues in stage 1 are not dealt with one or both partners will begin to lose respect for the other and intimacy will suffer. Instead of continuing to share life together each spouse tends to chart his or her individual course in life.

3. Detachment

In an effort to avoid being hurt spouses often isolate from each other. Very little communication takes place and anger and resentment sets in. Thoughts of separation come to mind.

4. Physical Separation

When separation occurs spouses often experience conflicting emotions such as relief (that the arguing has stopped) and loneliness, fear, and feeling like a failure. People who are not committed to reconciliation may prematurely by pass the grief process and immediately become involved romantically with another person.

5. Mourning & Letting Go

When divorce does indeed occur a grief process must occur that often takes 1to 2 years to complete. It is critical that this process occur before becoming romantically involved again. It is a time to mourn the loss of a partner and of the one who we assumed would be the love of our life. It is a time to accept reality and resolve sadness, anger, guilt, fear and revenge. Often this process involves one step forward and two steps back, that is, you may have to work through the stages of grief several times before emotions are healed and you can sense recovery.



6. Second Adolescence / A New Life

Here, one is able to look to the future instead of ruminating about the past. Here the goal is to have learned from the past, especially as it relates to your contributions to the failed relationship. New insight enables you to make healthier choices in your new life. Negatively, if insight has not been gained, individuals may become obsessed with finding that new life in drinking, partying, and seducing, in a desperate attempt to squelch loneliness.

7. Hard Work / Healthy Adjustment

With God’s help, time and hard work there can be abundant life after divorce.

The goal is to be wiser and stronger and operating with increased insight into God’s purpose for your life. As God leads you are ready to move on, under His direction, to a better life.

As you can see, these steps weren't intended to be a prevention method. Dr. Kessler's purpose was simply to outline the stages, sort of like the stages of grief. However, by knowing the general trend, you can be better prepared to fight for your marriage. The first step on the slippery slope is so simple. In fact, I don't think anyone even intentionally takes that first step. It's just the natural course following the wedding. 

If infertility has taught me anything, it is that my marriage needs to be in fighting condition every day. Life is going to happen, expectations will be unmet, the plans will change, and we have to be ready when dreams meet reality. For most, infertility will not be the trial. It will be something completely different, yet equally trying. But the biggest take away for me is that you never know when it's going to happen. Most married couples say vows to love each other and stay together in spite of sickness, in spite of debt or financial troubles, and in spite of the just plain bad times; however, when we say them, for most of us, all of that seems infinitely far away. Sam and I never dreamed for one second that infertility was waiting for us. We had no idea that two of our first three years would be spent in doctor's offices. We never foresaw the pain and heartache in store for us when we said "I do". None of us can see tomorrow, and that's why a strong marriage is so important. And part of that strength comes from standing guard. If you're married, lets all take a few moments to do some assessing and then go to war against the weeds that might have taken root.