Infertile for the Holidays

My new doctor sent me home with a flyer the last time I was in on getting through the holidays if you're struggling with infertility. I thought it had some great advice, so I thought I'd share:

How to Survive the Holidays

For many individuals and couples who are experiencing infertility, December can be a cruel reminder of what they are missing. There is an enormous focus on children and babies, and many people mark each holiday season by the number of years they have not had children. Even the normal asylum of a church may not feel protective this time of year, with the focus on the miracle of conception and birth. 

Although some can get into the spirit of the season despite infertility, most cannot. Thus, if you find this time of year tough to cope with, it is crucial to practice the practical skill set of self-preservation. 

You can now officially consider yourself under doctor's order to care for yourself this holiday season. This means...

• Avoiding the mall and toy stores. If there are any children you need to buy for, either order things by catalog or on the internet, and have them wrapped and directly shipped. Do not put yourself in the position of buying and wrapping toys. If you absolutely feel you need to buy things yourself, go to the bookstore and buy books which were your favorite as a child.

• Avoid going to church at your normal times. Christmas Eve midnight mass tends to have very few small children, but other services can be overwhelming.

• If there are holiday parties where you know or suspect there will be children or babies and you don't want to go, be aware that those moms won't want you there since you have a stomach bug (or sore throat or a touch of the flu).

• If your siblings have children and family gatherings are uncomfortable for you, plan to arrive late and/or leave early. 

• Think of traditions that you and your partner can create together for the holidays.

• Consider doing something totally different - some couples decide to go away to couples-only resorts where you can focus on each other.

• Whatever you decide to do this holiday season, try not to focus on what people expect of you or what you think you should be doing. Try to have empathy for what you are going through and care for yourself the best way you know how.

Some of these are a little far fetched for me. At this point, thankfully, I am completely capable of wrapping a toy for my nephew. But Sam and I did manage to skip the toy aisles all together this year, so it was nice not to feel like we have to go "kid shopping". I also love the idea of making traditions for you and your spouse now. I don't know about you, but a huge part of my sadness comes from the idea that I'm missing something. Since the first Christmas we were married, I started making plans for things we would do as a family once we had children. Each Christmas marks another year that we can't do those things, and so I'm sad. It would be nice to make some memories that are "us" focused in the mean time. 

We don't really adhere to these too much. I would feel too "selfish" if I skipped Christmas or left early just because our nieces and nephews were there. And honestly, I want to see them. I love them. I don't want to miss out on their childhoods just because I'm dealing with sadness. But I think the general idea here is to take care of yourself. Do what you need to do to survive and leave this holiday season with as few scars as possible.

For instance, Sam saved me today. Our church had a Family Christmas Celebration today. I was totally prepared for children to be present in the service. What I wasn't prepared for was a child focused service. Sam is on the parking team and when he caught part of the service, he immediately realized that this is "not for us". When I got finished keeping the kids, I met up with him and he explained that the service doesn't just include children, it is predominantly for children. For families with children. I decided that this wasn't the best atmosphere to put myself in two days out from Christmas, so we headed home. 

To my infertile friends, take care of yourselves this Christmas. Behave with grace and tact, but don't be ashamed to hurt some feelings or frustrate your friends and family. Let's all get through this holiday with our hearts intact so we can move on with the next year... it's going to be good ladies! I have faith! Hang in there and Merry Christmas!